The Colts

THE CURRIED AGM : FRIDAY 6/1/12

2012-01-08T19:23:00.005Z

Beer, curry and the AGM were partaken on Friday, 6 January 2012 with a good turnout from the lads. Many thanks to all who came.

AGM:-

i) Captain's Report: Beat almost everyone. Retained league title. Losing semi-finalists in the Cup. Boo.
ii) Election of Officers: Capt. Prefab re-elected unopposed (again).
iii) Award: Captain's Player of the Year 2011: "The Hedge" (with deer-hunter raccoon hat).
v) Award: Player of the Year 2011: Simon "Weeping" Williams.

Other Awards:-

i) The Brian Cant Award for Most Bricks out of Pram: Capt. Prefab v. Vocalink (upon being told that Simon Williams was stuck on a train somewhere outside of Kentish Town 10 minutes before the start of play - League).
ii) The Javed Miandad Award for Petulance Upon Being Out: Capt. Prefab v. Final CC (Cup).
iii) Catch of the Year: Mike Howard v. Redbourn (League).
iv) The International Player Still Most Likely to Feature in a Colts Quiz: VVS Laxman.
v) The Chard/Bromhead Award for Person Most Likely to (and did) invade Iraq (the safe bit anyway) : Capt. Saddam Von Prefab late of the 4th Ulhaqistan Lancers.
vi) The Ron Jeremy Award for a 1970's "Mo-vember" to Remember: The Hedge (with 'tache).
vii) The "Shake 'n' Vac"/CSI Miami Award for the Player Most Likely to Leave Traces of Himself on the Carpet : JC3.
viii) The Val Doonican Award for Services to Knitwear: Mike "Starsky" Howard.
ix) The David Soul Award for Player Most Likely to Play Hutch: David Whiteley
x) The "Duncan Donut" Award for Player Most Likely to Drop his Trophy: The Hedge

It may also be informative that the skipper, on the night, took the following hurriedly scrawled notes in the Curry House. Any explanations as to content and reason are most welcome :-

i) Anthony Way. Eye surgeon for the Queen.
ii) Florence Nightingale - illness.
iii) Kitty. "F-ing Wrong". The Hedge.
iv) "Bums Open Invitation". Equal Opportunities.
v) Colts slang.

Have to admit that iv) worries me greatly.

Any Other Business/Action Points:-

i) "Choice Cricket" to re-vamp the Vets format for next year. Probably 2 leagues.
ii) Player Recruitment (as necessary) ?
iii) Tour. Again. Golf and day at the Test in Yerkshire ? Ask David Byrne.
iv) Playing tops - Romida ? The Skip to look in to.

Let's do it all again this year. Thanks to everyone.

Capt. Borat Prefab etc. etc.
8/1/12

THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER : LEAGUE : 6/12/11

2011-12-07T20:09:00.003Z

League Champions. Title retained.

"If..."

If you can keep your head when all on court
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust Bally when all men doubt him,
But allow for his call of "Right Hand !" too:
If you can call “Wait” and not be run out by Whiteley,
Or being Run Out, retire to the cage,
Or being hated by Redbourn, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t play too well, nor appeal in rage;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Howard and with Hedges
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by Rupes to make a trap for prats,
Or watch the innings you gave your life to, broken,
Leaving no option but to throw your bats;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one Callender full toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss (to bloody Final CC):
If you can force your Hubbard, Cobb and Cardy
To serve their turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with Willo and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Spence —and not lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor Pete Makower hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving hour
With fifty singles worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be an Indoor League Champion, my son!

MoM : It's Saddam Skip with 50* in 31 balls in the last game. Fitting.

Thanks to everyone who put on their plimsolls and got themselves out there one mo' time.

Curried AGM still on for 6/1/2012 with speeches asnd awards. You'd be mad to miss it.....

THE COLTS V. VOCALINK : LEAGUE : 22/11/11

2011-11-23T18:50:00.002Z

(In best dodgy accent)

Khello, my name Prefab Borat and this is my willage. You like ? I am pleased to speak up with you and for you to visit me in Ulhaqistan. Please not mispronounce Turkish Kurds wrong way as offends my mother - you right ?

We have new game, "Hit Ball Stick". Very popular. We use cow bits as ball and cow leg-bone as bat. You use willow tree, yes ? Very strange to us. What is Willow ? Is he man with dodgy goaty beard and appear to be some throw-back from a decadent age of "jazz hat" cricket where men wore frilly shirts with cuff-links made from Grandad's gold teeth whilst quaffing a quart of gin at the wicket ? We don't know this custom but we like this Willow. I may sleep with heem.

We have game now. Come see. With me is team. They are very nice. See this man ? He is Hedge. This is because he live in hedge outside willage. He have big strong 'tache but no hair. We say he should put yak dung on head to help hair. Hedge say "My eyes are bleeding" and "Fact" a lot and he virile with 'tache. Some say he look like gay icon from "Boogie Nights" but we not understand this cultural reference.

See him ? He is Mike. He speak in unintelligible manner and say "Aye" and "Wee" a lot. This can be funny. He bowl like wind and often in night he sound like wind. He think that "Darren Fletcher" is good soccer player. This can be funny. "Darren Fletcher" has first touch like pig I keep for pleasure in my front yard tied to stick. "Darren Fletcher" about as mobile too.

See him ? He known as "Twice Nightly Whiteley". He is small and blond for an Ulhaqistanian. He very popular with all men in willage. Nights are long in my country.

This "JC3". He new to us this year and we find out about him. He settle in well. He number three JC. We keep him as spare in case one and two break down like tractor.

Game start. We clear chicks and ducks and geese better scurry. Cow pat on good length. No touch. stinky. Where Willow ? He late. Facking "First Capital Connect" we hear. Trouble. They are cow-fart-horse-ass-flies-round-outdoor-toilet-hole-neighbour-wife-armpits-son-of-hairy-wrong-end-of skunk. Nearly three grand for a season ticket, muddy-funsters.

In lime green mankini I look good no ? See crease from behind ? Nice. Borat (34 in 17) knock it around and Whiteley (46 in 16) strong through off side. Big Mike (0 in 1) smack one back to Srini who dance to hold on to smoking ball. Big Mike sent to cage. No good. Bad Mike. Ulhaqistan kids throw rocks at heem later. Hedge (26* in 14) decide throw off shackles and go for it. No more "Barry Block" for heem. Mash it everywhere. Watch out back wall ! Hedge strong. Men like. With JC3 (16 in 12) we make 151-5 notches on big stick. I am interview by Ulhaqistan TV after innings. I have train for this. I say "To be honest, credit to the lads and we had to respect Vocalink and take each game as it comes after the disappointment of the cup loss to Final CC. If you'd have offered me this before the game, Charles Colville-basha, I'd have taken it".

Second dig. We like to dig in my willage. We dig a lot. Not much else to do in evenings otherwise if Whiteley and Hedge not available. Vocalink struggle. JC3 (3-0-10-1) start well and wickets fall like acorns from big oak. I catch a good one and fumble some not so good. JC3 catch and Hedge catch too. Good catch Hedge ! Big Mike (0.5-0-1-2) out of cage. Kids, leave Big Mike. No rocks. Ah, Big Mike, too much speed on ball and too much something called "zoomer". Harsha and Ken, they don't see it so good. Stumps over. 35 all out.

Now for big main tent and drink and songs ! Me feel good and like some man company. Where Whiteley and Hedge with 'tache ?

MoM : Blond Whiteley. He good. Stroker. 46 and 1-4.

THE COLTS V. FINAL CC : CUP SEMI-FINAL : 17/11/11

2011-11-18T19:10:00.000Z

Crap. Lost.

Colts : 90 ao.
Final 91-5 in 11.1 overs.

MoM : Sprowson family cat, "Bella". Impressive feline bouncebackability from having been thrown repeatedly down the stairs......(for Daily Mail readers - that's a joke).

2011 Availability

2011-11-18T18:50:00.000Z

THE COLTS V. LONG MARSTON : LEAGUE : 15/11/11

2011-11-16T19:13:00.002Z

“Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be....”. Let’s face it, after all the time spent ducking the issue, we have finally scooped to the bottom of the barrel. We will have to poke in places where we shouldn’t be poking and sniff around in places where we shouldn’t be sniffing.

With the season reaching a climax (so I’m told) the G-spot to be was the Choice Cricket Penthouse where two teams came together locked in an embrace at the top of the league table. There was barely a merkin between us. One side was cock-sure and wanted to dominate. We were hoping that Long Marston would be ready to receive. Bally, ever the playboy, even had a coloured handkerchief poking from his back pocket but we weren’t entirely sure what that was all about. With both sides having perfect records something had to give and the Colts were determined that it wouldn’t be us ending up in the gimp mask.

For the record, Capt. “Plonker” Prefab had a posse of stiff members lining up alongside him including Andrew “The Length” Hedges, David “Dick” Whiteley, Steve “Spurt” Ball, Mike “Dobber” Howard and Simon “Wee Willy” Williams. There was testosterone everywhere at the toss and after a quick clean up with a Kleenex it was the Colts who were to show off their posing pouch first by taking to the carpet with bat shafts in hand. History will record that this wasn’t the finest of Colts’ innings as in many ways we weren’t that well hung at 127 all out in just about the full 12 overs. It was nip and tuck as both sides knew what was at stake and we struggled, almost too much, to ensure a decent total on the board.

Capt. “Plonker” (26 in 21) took an absolute age before he retired in the 11th over (and how he wasn’t run out before retiring is the subject of a Ben Dover investigation) but there was some value to his knock as it was a night where runs had to be earned. “Dick” (10 in 11) and “Dobber” (21 in 9) were both out to extraordinary catches. “Dick’s” was a one-handed snatch by the bowler whilst “Dobber” smashed it (did you smash it ? I bet he smashed it) to midwicket where the fielder held on using his arms, hands, legs and gentleman’s area before throwing the ball up. “Wee Willy” (28 in 21) put his years of indoor experience to great use as the score kept climbing at 10 an over. At halfway we were 62-2 and Long Marston will reflect, with a post coital cigarette before they roll over and go to sleep, that by the end of their bowling stint they had given us 38 extras of which 32 were wides. In an x-rated final over from the slippery Rashid we managed to lose 4 wickets (that’s right, 4) without adding to the total. Not even a short stroke or one off the wrist for a single. Uncanny. From 127-2 we gave up a series of run outs from the sort of understandable to the downright brainless to close on 127 all out with a ball left to spare. Not great but they were runs on the board.

With his best “actress to the bishop” voice Capt. “Plonker” was heard to say “I’d have taken that if only you’d offered it to me before”.

As Claire Swire (remember her ?) would have said, our bowling attack is tasty. It’s known for being balls out, direct, dirty and even downright nasty, a bit like The Hedge when he’s been on the Tennent’s Super. “Dobber” (3-0-25-2) and “Length” (3-0-18-0) opened with some vajazzling deliveries but the Marston openers looked solid and after 3 overs they were 34-0. Time to slip them something. An easy run out brought in Rashid (25 in 14) and it was quickly apparent that he wasn’t going to die wondering. “Spurt” (3-0-24-0) and “Wee Willy” (3-0-12-0) then made like Michael Hutchence and choked the innings off with a spell of 6 overs for 45 runs that pegged Marston back to 84-4 off 10. Also in that period of play was a run out of such elegance from “Dobber” that it deserved a nice dress, a decent meal and a hotel room before the appearance of the beast with two backs. A drop and run to the off was anticipated by “Dobber” who didn’t try to pick the ball up but instead hockey-flicked the ball from the floor in to the leather and suede ‘keeping gloves (and iron fists inside on the evidence of this performance) of Capt. “Plonker”. “Dobber” finished up clean bowling the last pair with an unlikely 32 still needed to win at the start of the final over. Astonishingly, the analysis for the combined last overs of both sides was 2-1-1-6.

MoM : So who was the Casanova of the carpet ? Who was our top swordsman ? Who took one for the team without blubbing ? “Dobber” was close for sure but for an invaluable knock of 28 and a superb spell of leg-spin conceding only 4 an over for his spell it’s .....Simon “He’s a lover not a fighter” Williams.

THE COLTS V. TOTTERNHOE : LEAGUE : 10/11/11

2011-11-15T18:28:00.002Z

It was a jam session down at the “House of Blues” Choice Cricket Centre with the good ol’ Colts All Star Blues Brothers Boys Band tuning up for an assault on the Christmas number 1 single (if the sodding X Factor version of “There’s no one quite like Grandma/My Dad/My Dog/My dead Mum who died after a serious illness” doesn’t beat us to it). It’s tough in the music biz. We were on a mission from God but we didn’t know it and James Brown hadn’t yet pointed the way towards the light.

A & R man, John Belushi look-a-like and lead singer Capt. Prefab Sprout (sort of the perfect nickname) called incorrectly as tails it was and Totternhoe elected to play first and strap on their 6-string “Gibson Stratofender” (they bought it at the “Five ‘n’ Dime” and played it 'til their fingers bled if rumours are to be believed) complete with “wah wah” peddle and sustain gizmo. The Colts house band was made up from “Andrew “Blind Lemon” Hedges (who admitted after the match that he needs glasses), Rupert “Howlin’ Wolf” Garrett, JC “Fun Boy” 3, “Seasick” Steve Ball, and Pete “Muddy Waters” Makower.

The Colts looked and sounded great in the sound check and warm-up (with the amps turned up to 11) but as soon as the match started for real it was a bit of a different story. As any Blues fan standing at a crossroads will tell you, good places for the Blues are a) a lonely highway, b) a jail, c) a “cat house” d) an empty bed/cot or d) the bottom of a whisky bottle. To this can be added the first few overs from the Colts during this match. There were leg-side wides, off-side wides, long wides and short wides such that over the course of the innings we conceded 33 extras out of a total of 83-5. Capt. Prefab had a right to bemoan his luck and reach for his rusty revolver due to the lack of love from a good woman or indeed a well pitched delivery on a good length outside of the off stump. It wasn’t that we was bad, we were jus’ no good and sure enough yo pappy was goin’ to reach for the switch and tan our dang hides.

“Howlin’ Wolf” (3-0-21-2) put down his harmonica, tucked his mojo down the front of his pants and got us back on track as he bargained part of his soul with the devil and “Seasick” Steve (2-0-20-2) nabbed a couple including an LBW shout after a cunning signal from behind the stumps. There was also a snaffled run out from “Fun Boy” who was quick to pick up the ball one-handed like he’d found the butt of a king size Camel filter-tipped on the floor and with a sharp release he hit the two stumps that he had to aim at for a brilliant direct hit. Totternhoe were forced to confront the fact that it’s hard to gamble when you lose every bet and even harder to save money when your several wickets in debt. Their only recourse was to the bottle and a bunk in the rundown shack of Mean Momma Dumpling.

The Blues is not about choice. If yo stuck in a ditch then yo stuck in a ditch and there ain’t no use yo cryin’ ‘bout it. Ask Michael Jackson’s physician.

Anyway, Capt. Prefab (27* in 9) was on form with the bat as he made it sing like an angel’s harp with a number of ruthless punches through mid on. “Blind Lemon” (21 in 13) was more wary of a ball that was only partly in focus to him but at 38-0 off 3 overs we were flying. “Howlin’ Wolf” (27* in 15) re-adjusted his mojo which was now dressing to the left and took us closer to the promised land and “Fun Boy” (12* in 3) came in and slapped it like a mean ol’ sheriff from the wrong part of town.

The Colts closed at 88-1 in the 7th over and repaired to the bar to drink gasoline with a bourbon chaser for those who were not drivin’. Others had black coffee or a slug of cheap red wine from a bottle that the barkeep had “out back”.

MoM : If white men can’t jump and only black cats can sing the Blues then the award goes to “Howlin’ Mad Wolf” Garrett for 2-21 and another cheeky red-inker 27*.

THE COLTS V. CRAB DADS : LEAGUE : 1/11/11

2011-11-05T12:29:00.002Z

From Capt. Hedge:-

And so it came to pass, late one Tuesday in November, the Vets, fresh from the previous nights trick or treat avoidance, did once again roll up to the Crabtree Indoor Cricket Centre – aka the Theatre of Delusion – to once more exorcise the demons of past glories. They say that the older one gets the better one was, and never was that more appropriate for some on this eve.

Captain Hedge (Ed: do what ?) won the toss, opted to bat and discharged himself to the cage to watch his band of merry men plunder the (weak) oppo’s bowling to all parts/walls. Except, er, it didn’t quite work out like that. We raced to 27 off the first 3 overs, 17 of which were extras. Dave was smashing it to all manner of fielders, plundering his 13 runs off merely 11 balls whilst Willo was even more extreme, smashing his 7 runs off a paltry 11. Both got out in vaguely comical circumstances to be followed by Pete - run out first ball without facing - and Hedge, caught for 6 off 3 playing another lazy symptomatic-of-his-season shot.

The Colts were 40-4 off 4 overs. Capt Hedge was puzzled. Captain Hedge was worried. Capt Hedge - had he had any hair - would have been pulling it out at some rate of knots by now. Still, all was not lost. Tim had dropped anchor, keeping the ball on the deck and playing quite beautifully. Then along popped The Messiah: aka Rupes. After an early scare, where he could quite easily have been run out by approx 129 yards, he then cranked the tempo up and showed us all (frankly) how to do it. A mixture of brute force, belligerence and deft touches (yes, you read that right) earned him 49 glorious undefeated runs. Tim and him put on 112 runs to leave the Colts with a bonus point dans le poche and a 152 total. Rupes even gloriously turned up a chance to receive a standing ovation for his 50 by completely missing the last ball of the game. What a Gent, 50’s are so vulgar and all a bit 1980’s (darling). Tim also remained undefeated with an utterly classy knock of 46.

So an eminently defendable target against oppo that we presumed would bat far better than they bowled. Which, er, they didn’t. Pistol Pete opened up and was his usual unplayable self. Suffice to say Crabtree Dads were 10-3 after 3 overs and 17-3 after 5: game over. The remainder of the game was somewhat turgid, not least because the oppo adopted a long term strategy of overhauling the target; such a strategy clearly involved batting through to the following Tuesday to get there. Despite a myriad of bowling changes/ styles we couldn’t get the last bonus point (6 wickets) – not even Our Lord Rupes could prise them out, despite some heroic charging in and accompanied puffing. A few chances went begging but the game petered out in a somewhat soporific manner, the mood only occasionally lightened by Bally’s never-heard-of-before calls of “right hand” from the Scorers hut above. Fair play to the bloke that he was still awake to be fair.

And so the Dads ended up on 73-3 and we retired to the bar to digest. In effect the 3 of us – Rupes, Tim and Pete – were enough to beat their 6. Si, Dave and Hedge – after amassing a dizzying 23 runs off 21 balls – were left to ruminate on past glories, furiously trying to remember when they had all collectively batted so dismally. A further 2, maybe 3 minutes later and we were all on our way home.

MOM: Has to be Rupes or Tim. On balance, because the former’s knock made us all chuckle just a little bit more (sorry, Tim) I've handed it to Rupes (even though he dropped a sitter). Mucho thanks to these two for digging us (me) out of a v. big hole.

THE COLTS V. FINAL CC : LEAGUE : 27/10/2011

2011-10-29T07:12:00.001+01:00

In an office somewhere off Whitehall, Bond sat in a leather-bound armchair and watched Miss Moneypenny at her desk as she gently fingered his security code in to her slot. He was then called through the communicating door by “M”.

“Sit down 007. We have a crisis. Total world domination by The Colts as they leave destruction in their wake. They need to be stopped”.

“Yes of course, sir. Any clues ?”

“They’re playing tonight against Final CC in a secret location. Be careful Bond. They’re armed and at least one has a huge secret weapon”.

“So have I sir”.

Bond arrived under cover of darkness with his Aston Martin DB5 parked neatly next to Mike “Dr. Och Aye the Noo” Howard’s spanking new Audi (that also goes under water). The Colts were assembled as Bond checked them out with his spy-glasses; Prefab “Von Henry Blofeld”, Mike “Dr. The Noo” Howard, “Jaws” Callender, Simon “Drax” Williams, Peter “Oddjob” Makower and John “Nick Nack” Card. To have all of these super villains and henchmen in one place was amazing. To get to watch them carry out their evil plans in a secret, indoor location complete with submarine loading bay was almost worth making a film about.

“Blofeld” won the toss and the Colts fielded with “Oddjob” not having bowled in anger for a year and “Jaws” back from a holiday with Ursula Andress although it wasn’t clear which one of them had worn the bikini. Final CC are often reliant on Tariq as their best player but he was run out off only the second ball as a suicide mission for a single let the evil “Blofeld” collect the bouncing bomb and destroy the stumps with a maniacal laugh. How he did it holding on to a white cat was difficult to make out. “Dr. The Noo” then bowled another hapless victim leaving them shaken and stirred before “Nick” Card had the knack of picking up the next wicket thanks to a catch behind. Final were falling apart like the script from “Quantum of Solace” as another run out and a fumbled catch by “Jaws” Callender (grabbing at the ball as if it were a live grenade) left them something like 50-5. The reason for the confusion about the score is the undecipherable code that the score-sheet was written in. Bond glanced at it but gave up when it looked as though over 12 had been scored in over 7 and over 7 had in fact disappeared like a female Soviet defector in a tight uniform. The bowling figures were impossible to make out even with the help of “Q” and “Goldeneye”.

“Dr. Noo” nabbed the last bonus point with a stumping as the umpire in the cage gave the electronic gold-finger to signal the dismissal. A red flashing light at this stage suddenly seemed very appropriate.

Asked to predict the future, Solitaire could only look at the card of death and see trouble for Final as 75 all out was not likely to trouble the Colts batting unit. What wasn’t expected was a thunder-ball. “Von Blowers” (0 in 1) took strike but then had to acknowledge that he may as well have not taken his bat out with him. It was as much use as opening a poisoned umbrella in a nuclear reactor during a meltdown. Unsuspecting foreign dictators have been shot, blown up, strangled and covered in gold paint for less than delivering a perfect if gentle in-swinger that snaked between bat and pad to clip the top of the “Blowers” leg stump. Bond blinked. Did he expect “Blowers” to walk ? No Mr. Bond, but I expect you to die !! “Blowers” trudged to the cage that fortunately for him did not have a secret opening that allowed tiger sharks and piranha fish to slip in and strip his flesh from his bones in an agony of red food dye. He was stuck there for the rest of the innings not having a set of metal gnashers with which to bite his way to freedom either.

Drax (27* in 17) came in at No. 3 putting a lethal capsule of poison down his box briefs and he started slowly before unleashing a well timed 6 to the back wall. With a lazy swing Drax also moon-rakered a loose one for a maximum 8 but then came a defining moment. Another very good ball from the useful “Biles” found a thin edge but the chance went down like Pierce Brosnan on Dr. Christmas Jones. “Drax” Willo survived, in effect to live twice, and an unusual 6 leg-side wides and a cheeky “double run” ensured that the Colts were pretty much home and ready to slip in to a dry vodka martini. “Jaws” (22* in 15) managed not to meet a horrible end and “Dr. Noo” (5 in 5) was there at the end.

Bond packed his sniper scope and rifle back in to his wristwatch and had to admit that he’d been impressed by what he’d seen. For the Colts, the world truly doesn’t seem to be enough.

MoM: The team got together in the “Evil Henchmens’ Bar” after the match and wanted to give it to “Biles” for knocking over their beloved leader first cracker. “Blofeld” pressed a secret button on his chair and all of them were therefore tipped in to a vat of warm acid except for “Drax” Williams who takes it mainly for his 27*. All of the bowlers did well and have cause to be aggrieved that the score-sheet is so bad that it is impossible to work out any bowling figures.

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : LEAGUE : 20/10/11

2011-10-22T18:34:00.001+01:00

"It's got to be-e-e-e-e--e-e perfect. It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e worth it. So many people take second best but I won't take anything less. It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e-e perfect". So sang the big nosed, big chinned lead singer from Fairground Attraction. Captain Prefab may well have warbled something similar as he drove home in the car on Thursday night as the Colts had just been as near perfect as a bunch of middle-aged, out of shape, over the hill indoor cricketers can possibly be. If indoor cricket be the food of love then there were some wives and girlfriends waiting at home who didn't know what they were in for (or maybe they did....). In this Bo Derek of a performance just about everything went right. The Bams won the toss and again asked the Colts to bat despite a heavy defeat in the Cup the week before. In fact the Bams bowling looked stronger with the return of "Jeremy" to bowl some serious wheels but the Colts batting was stronger with the return of David "Bo Diddeley" Whiteley and Mike "Bo Selecta" Howard. Completing our line up were Steve "Bo Tox" Ball, Simon "Bo Peep" Williams and Rupert "Bo Weekly" Garrett.

The first overs were sedate with no sign of the chaos to come as Bo Prefab (31 in 19) and Bo Diddeley (45* in 26) ticked over to be 49-0 from 4 overs with a few iffy runs and some poor calling having not opened together this season. It was the introduction of "Jeremy" that started things moving as an astonishingly wide wide (think Harmison but wider) saw his over go for 15. After that, the next 6 overs went for 142. That's 23 point something an over. The runs from the overs in sequence went 20,21,23,31,24,23 and the Bams are far from the worst bowling attack in this league. It was awesome striking. Bo Selecta (28* in 6: 4,3,3,5,8,5) and Bo Tox (25* in 6: 4,5,3,4,6,3) had incredible strike-rates and Bo Peep (25* in 11) chipped in as well so that Bo Weekly (10* in 5) at No.6 came in with still fully 3 overs to go. There were 4 x 8's to the back wall and whilst the score-board said 207-1 in 12 overs, the score-sheet actually adds up to 217. The only blemish was a "Bo's Up" between Prefab and Rupes that led to an easy run out. On the Blog (saddo that he is) your scribe can only find reference to a score of 189-3 also against Bamville in 2005 but the writer at that time refers to it then as our second best score ever. Have the Colts ever done "double top" before and made 200 ? Where is Benedict on Sky when you need him ?

The bowling was good too with "Weeping" Willo (2.3-0-20-3) making a strong case for MoM status. His leg breaks were fiendish and prompted him to consider writing his biography a la Graeme Swann. Unfortunately using a similar title "The Breaks are Leg" makes little sense. Bo Selecta (1-0-1-1) clean bowled the oppo skipper in one brilliant over. A word also for Rupes (3-0-27-1) who was tidy from the start and put in a fine performance of his own. Apart from a couple of tough catches whilst in "Full Court Press" mode there was little wrong in the field either. The only cheating that we did was to try and sneak in a couple of 5-ball overs just to get in the bar early.

As the young actress said to the bishop: "I don't know what that was exactly but I liked it and we're doing it again".

Can this level of performance possibly be maintained ?

MoM : Simon "Weeping Bo Peep" Williams. No disgrace with the bat and a fabulous spell with the ball including a jaffa to Jeremy.

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : CUP : 13/10/11

2011-10-14T14:42:00.005+01:00

It was a grisly tale of stains on the carpet as The Colts strolled by Bamville in the Cup at the Downton Choice Abbey. No doubt the downstairs maid would have had her work cut out with a scrubbing brush and a pail of cold water from the outside privy tap as John "Playing" Card left puddles of blood from several lower bits of himself on the second floor drawing room carpet whilst Lord Prefab honked up gobbets of high intestine in to the corner by the bookcase with the walnut inlay as he strove to fight off the ravages of man 'flu and gout.

Bamville had left a polite calling note suggesting that they might drop by for crumpet and tea and Stephen "Billiard" Ball, Tim "Mrs. Bridges" Spencer, Andrew "The Backstairs Maid" Hedges and Simon "Mister Bates" Williams were ready with a warm welcome and the best silver. His Lordship (49* in 28) took a deep puff and walloped his first ball for 6 as if he'd found his valet stroking his fob-chain but The Bams (sans "Jeremy") bowled well early on with a new lemon and "Wedd" bowled some fine outswingers. "Mrs. Bridges" (15 in 9) started well but walked around a straight one and "The Hedge" (8 in 5) was eccentrically given out LBW by an umpire most had not met before.

At 42-4 in 4 overs it was time for "Playing" (6 in 6) to come in and knock it around the candelabra like we know he can but our resident "JC" fell for the oldest trick in the book by not lining up on the right line (white) and by the time the fire had taken in the old range cooker and the kettle was on the hob, JC found himself stranded and innocuously run out. "Billiard" was then done like a kipper with another avoidable run out and it was time to send out for "Mister Bates" to calm the whole situation down.

Having laid out his Lordship's starched collars, wing studs and black tails, Simon (32* in 17) batted like a dream landing two 8's with one of them barely missing the ornamental "10" on the mantelshelf in the Chinese room. With dignity of spirit, noble in posture and a determined profile, "Mister Bates" was a silk kerchief in the fraught proceedings...if only it hadn't been needed by his Lordship to mop an extremely sweaty brow as well as hawking up speckets of lung. As someone from the village remarked "If his Lordship gets any more red they'll have to bleed 'im wi' leeches".

From a working class 97-4 in 8 we rallied as only blue bloods can to an aristocratic par score of 149-4 with his Lordship unable to take one last nip out of his hip flask to fall just short of a sickly but valuable half century. He was grateful to just walk off unaided but did contemplate taking his old service revolver and a stiff glass of brandy in to the library and locking the door if things had got any worse.

After the long break for adverts including at least three for different firms of "Lawyers 4 U" it was a bit of the same old story from series 1. The opening Bam tried to smash Spence (2-0-15-1) and was caught and bowled off the wall at the third attempt whilst another was run out wandering from his crease. This left their skipper "Peck" (29 in 24) with a huge amount to do and he was not helped by the excitable "Ani" (9 in 9) who unbelievably did not make double figures but was not dismissed without pay (and with no option on a third series) until the 8th over.

"Billiard" (2-0-17-1) was miserly with the key to the drinks cabinet as we know he can be but he nabbed a wicket with another Spence fumbled catch. "JC" (2-0-17-2) was the ace in the hole, on the persian rug in front of the fire with the Turkish ambasssador inspecting his secret passage as he mutton-chopped his way to a 2-fer with a caught and bowled (held first time, Spence) and a clean bowled.

His Lordship now had the complexion of an early morning tureen of devilled kidneys and the hunting party not even assembled down by the lodge. All was done and several times dusted as the Bams took the charabanc back from whence they came being all out for 73 in the 9th over having not come to terms with the installation of the electric telephone or the Colts' excellent performance on the night.

In the drawing room the lady of the house stroked her pussy and drew the semi-finals. The cads from Redbourn and the Colts were kept apart like families at a wedding as our duel was possibly postponed until Finals Night. The Colts have a full Final CC in our Semi-Final.

Next is Bamville but in the League.

MoM : Easy to be accused of bias but in genuinely batting better than he looked even if he then dropped a sitter off Willo - His Lordship remains in charge and gives the nod to himself for 49* and a glove in 2 run outs. Good show, what.

COLTS "BALL-GATE" SHOCK HORROR.....

2011-10-07T18:58:00.002+01:00

Stephen Ball was mis-translated in an interview that contributed to him being suspended by The Colts, claims his adviser David Whiteley. The all-rounder was in danger of being banned for two weeks after allegedly refusing to accept the Captain’s view of an incident in the Redbourn derby encounter. After the match a club translator quoted Ball as saying: "I didn't feel right to play so I didn't" but insisted that "the interpretation was incorrect". Ball does speak English but his English his not good enough to host a full-blown interview. Ball met Colts' officials as part of an investigation into the incident.

Ball blamed "confusion in the bar" for the "misunderstanding" and felt there was no reason why he should apologise to his skipper. "I listened to the questions in English and the interpretations were then misinterpreted".

Whiteley said: "The assumption is that Stephen refused to buy a round. Let's hope it is clarified in the next few days - one way or the other - because it's damaging to the Colts, to their talented squad and to Stephen Ball”.

"A lot of things were said but there are not too many options for him if things are proved to be correct. It's a shame because we don't want top players to leave the club but if it's borne out that the things suggested are correct, it will be very hard to see any other outcome."

However, Whiteley believes Ball has always acted professionally and is keen to play more indoor cricket. "You can criticise Stephen for anything but one thing you can't criticise him for is his commitment when he's on the pitch and you can never criticise him for not wanting to play" Whiteley added. "There have been several times at Colts throughout his career where he is taking injections, playing with swollen ankles, where he has played in situations when maybe even doctors have told him not to play. You have to remember Stephen joined the Colts when he had an official offer from Crabtree Dads and Final CC on the table. He was one of the first players to join the Colts' new vision. It's a great vision and Stephen was brought in to help start that vision. So he feels very differently towards the club, he has a very intense feeling".

THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : LEAGUE : 5/10/11

2011-10-05T15:31:00.001+01:00

Like the character in “Cool Runnings” (Feel da Riddim), Mike “The Caber” Howard was heard to say on arrival at the Choice Cricket Arena : “I am feeling very Olympic today”. And Olympic he certainly was as he put in a multiple gold medal performance whilst flicking a two-fingered “Harvey Smith” at his skipper for the offence taken at not winning a Man of the Match award last week. “The Caber” was immense in the triple-jump of batting (40* in 22 balls), bowling (2-0-15-1) and an awesome fielding display (2 catches; one brilliant and a run out) that seriously impressed the Russian judge. On the podium a spirited Redbourn were left to take silver as the Colts took the laurels and the kisses from the hot flower girls defending a par total of 137-4 to dismiss the Red Machine for 80 all out.

The Hedge had already announced that the 9pm start virtually made this game in to a “Night/Dayer” but the return of Capt. “Hammer” Prefab along with David “Hemery” Whiteley, Steve “Ping Pong” Ball and Tim “Javelin” Spencer made it a strong Colts side. Bally had even threatened to wear his new lycra, all-in-one, body-hugging swimsuit in which not only could he smuggle a budgie but also a parrot, two bulls, a cock and as many hares as he likes. With a lost toss the Colts were asked to their marks and to bat first with the Red Machine clearly concerned about coming up against our bowling attack.

“Caber” and “Hemery” (35* in 25) started well but against tight bowling from “Wiley” (3-0-26-0) who seems to improve with age like stilton or Sir Steve Redgrave. Only 5 came from his first over and “Boz” was equally miserly as the batting struggled to cope with the qualifying times. Having got boxed in on the bend at 27 from 4 overs, the score started to creep up towards 10 an over as both openers got themselves retired but “Javelin” (3 in 3) dropped the baton halfway down the track to be well stumped and “Hammer” (12 in 7) started well but ended up like Paul Radcliffe, caught with his pants down, as he tried to pinch a tough single to the off-spinner “Nigel”. This left “Ping Pong” (28 in 11) to get 100 on the board before he was caught in the nets having pulled out of a triple-tuck dive with half-pike roll and the openers had to come back in to scrape together as many as they could. “Caber” hit the bull on the back wall with a straight 8 in the last over from “Wiley” and a couple of possibly harsh umpiring calls left us short of 140 at 137-4.

There was confusion at the change-over as the skip was heard to ask Tim Spencer if he could see his “snatch” but when the subject turned out to be weight-lifting all was forgiven. Redbourn sent their most effective pair in first with “Nigel” (29 in 14) the danger man if he was able to clear the opening height. At this point “Caber” came alive like Allan Wells in the 100m, Moscow 1980, when he beat Leonard of Cuba to take gold in a race where precisely nobody on the planet remembers any of the other runners. As if the catch off his own bowling wasn’t miraculous enough (diving, one-handed and taken off the wall) then he followed up with a back-flick, direct hit run out and another sharp take to dismiss the dangerous “Nigel” from a “Ping Pong” looper. Capt. “Hammer” made like a bob-sledder and slid down the leg-side to snaffle a stumping from his opposite number and this left “Wiley” like Eric “The Eel” Moussambani as the only swimmer in the pool. It took one delivery from “Javelin” who made like Zola Budd as he shoved one through the “Wiley” defences to take the leg peg. Clutch that.

A vital win against our strongest rivals. It was like Coe v. Ovett but without the willowy limbs, pigeon chests and “118-118” GB vests. We got 13 points including bonuses and The Reds ended up with Fanny Blankers-two.

MoM : Mike “Wyndham Halswelle” Howard for a “Nadia” (perfect 10).

(NB : Wyndham Halswelle. Scotland’s most controversial gold. Halswelle, a lieutenant in the Highland Light Infantry and veteran of the Boer War, ran in the 400m final at Shepherds Bush in 1908, but was repeatedly blocked by his three American opponents. Officials disqualified the ‘winner’ JC Carpenter, and ordered a re-run using, for the first time, strings to divide the lanes. All hell broke loose between US officials and their British counterparts, and it was half an hour before the track was cleared. The two remaining Americans, William Robbins and John Taylor, then refused to run, and Halswelle strode round on his own to take gold in a time of 50 seconds. He was so disgusted that he gave up athletics, but was killed fighting in France during the first World War. He remains the only British man to have a gold, silver and bronze in individual Olympic events).

COLTS PRODUCE SOMETHING SOLID WHEN IT MATTERS...

2011-10-01T19:27:00.002+01:00

Big up to the two stand-in captains David "Grasshopper" Whiteley and Steve "Object" Ball as they sat on the bowl of destiny and strained hard to produce the goods whilst Chief Oberleutnant Von Prefab took himself off to a conference in Dublin to listen to a lot of dull men talking about heavy machinery.

Frantic text messages were enough to confirm a whopping win against Flamstead (194 in 12 overs - really - ??!!) on the Tuesday but a tenser squeeze by Frogmore on Thursday. Captain Prefab had avoided "Doing an Arsene" by splashing the Colts' cash in pre-season but nobody could have predicted quite how well our new signings would turn out. Rupert "Pat" Garrett, John "The Business" Card, James "Ty" Cobb and Rob "L" Hubbard all did superbly well with bat, ball and even gloves (some of it theirs and some of it begged, borrowed or stolen).

With the regular skipper unable to make much sense of the scorecards (which read a little like the Dead Sea Scrolls) evidence has been established using methods seen on old black-and-white "Baz & Nige" episodes of Sherlock Holmes to see that the Colts 194 was far too much for Flamstead (101 all out and we'll take the bonus points - thanks) whilst the Frogs' 124-3 (or 4) was a teasing little total especially when we were 71-2 off 7 but Bally (26* in 6 balls - really - ??) and The Card (19* in 6 we think) saw us home. In the Flams match Mike Howard (61) played like only a homicidal maniac with a claymore and a kilt can whilst Bally tonked 47 and had 4 "w"'s up his bowling column although some of these might have been run outs.

MoM's : This is tricky as I wasn't even there and my judgement has been clouded by 3 nights on the Black Stuff. Bally was insistent that John Card ("JC3") be given the Frogmore match for getting us home despite a superb effort from "Ty" Cobb with the gauntlets. If Bally doesn't get the award for skippering on Thursday then I feel somewhat duty bound to give him the nod for Tuesday despite Mikey H's efforts (plus Mike jointly held player of the year last season so he now knows that the bar is set a little bit higher for him and 61 out of 194 with 70 coming off the last 4 overs isn't enough to impress us anymore).

Frogmore : Bally for 47 in 16 balls and a 3-0-18-4 (incl. run outs)
Flamstead : John Card for 19* in 6 balls on deyboo)

Now for Redbourn....

Please note and tick y/n for match details for our Cup Quarter Final v. Bamville on Thurs. 13 October 2011 at 9pm.

AUTUMN/WINTER 2011 : THE CALL TO ARMS

2011-09-11T19:38:00.002+01:00

It's that time of the year to dust off the neoprene, linseed oil the hinges of your knee brace(s) and get that yellow coloured bat from out of the back of the airing cupboard. Your bunch of old(ish) crocks needs you like never before. Unlike the England Test side, The Colts know only too well the pressure of being "Numero Uno" and everyone (especially Redbourn) will be out to knock us off our f-ing perch (apologies to Sir Alex Ferguson).

Could anyone not wishing to play this year please let me know by return but I'm hoping for lots of abusive e-mails to say that you will don lycra and shove a box down your skids (without help) one mo' time.

A few notes :-

1. I believe that the minimum playing age has been increased for the Vets from 35 to 37 unless anyone between those ages played for us last year. This rule is self-regulated and they aren't asking for copies of passports and a blood sample from your first born child. Still, we'll play it as we see it over the course of the season and try to abide as much/best as we possibly can.

2. I'm trying to find out if Choice Cricket can let us have an hour's slot one evening before it all kicks off for a pre-season fitness session/run-out/beer. The infamous "Bleep Test" will be optional. I'll let you know what we get offered.

3. Match fees will probably be roughly the same if I could be bothered to work it out. We usually end up in about the right position by the end thanks to Simon Williams'
indecipherable spread-sheet on the "Blog".

4. The "Blog" will be up and running again soon as soon as I can remember how to do it. I'll e-mail you once I have the new fixtures and dates so that you can all fill in availability. The link is as follows :- http://the-colts.blogspot.com/

5. It looks like our first matches are Tues. 27 Sept. 2011 at 7pm v. Flamstead then Thurs. 29 Sept. 2011 at 9pm v. Frogmore and then Tues. 4 Oct. 2011 at 9pm v. Redbourn. Looks like they've lined up a tough opening for us again to try and trip us up early. There's a new team out there as well called "Vocalink" - nope, me neither.....

6. Mike Howard and JC need to return their trophies to me please when convenient.

Hope you're all looking forward to the usual banter with a game of indoor cricket thrown in there as well.

Quotes :-

"A Test match is like a painting. An Indoor match is like a Rolf Harris painting" :- Ian Chappell

"I've heard it said that this game at Indoor level is 50% in the head and 50% in the heart and bugger technique and that's not far off the mark" :- Ray Illingworth

"Indoor cricket is certainly a very good and wholesome exercise, yet it may be abused if either great or little people make it their business" :- Gentleman's magazine

"Personally, I have always looked on Indoor cricket as organised loafing" :- William Temple, Archbish. of Cant.

"The Hedge" :- Steve Waugh on being asked for his favourite animal

"Dustin Hoffman and Steve Ball in the act of appealing" :- Daryl Cullinan on being asked for his favourite actors

"Do you want Sprowse a bit wider ?" "No, he'd burst" : Chris Cowdrey

"Aye, stuff that stiff upper lip crap. Let's see how stiff it is when it's split" :- Mike Howard with a new ball

Finally and most true of all (in that I haven't changed it);

"Basically, it's just a whole bunch of blokes standing around scratching themselves" :- Kathy Lette

CURRIED AGM : FRI. 7 JAN. 2011

2011-01-09T17:16:00.005Z

Beer, curry and the AGM were partaken on Friday 7 January 2011 with a good turnout from the coalition. Many thanks for all who came including "Mr. Lah-Di-Dah Gunner Alistair".

AGM:-

i)Captain's Report: Beat everyone. Won Double.
ii)Election of Officers: Capt. Prefab re-elected unopposed (that he knows of).
iii)Captain's Thanks: Simon Williams for smooth hand-over and IT support.
iv)Award: Captain's Player of the Year 2010: "Our Lord JC" : John Callendar (with merit).
v)Award: Player(s) of the Year 2010: David Whiteley & Mike Howard (shared/6 months).

Other Awards:-

i)The Brian Cant Award for Most Bricks out of Pram: Steve Ball v. Flamstead (League).
ii)The Javed Miandad Award for Petulance Upon Being Out: Capt. Prefab v. Everyone (League).
iii)Catch of the Year: Mike Howard v. Flamstead (Cup).
iv)The Jeremy Clarkson Award for No Sense of Direction in a Car: The Hedge v. Redbourn (Cup).
v)The International Player Most Likely to Feature in a Colts Quiz: VVS Laxman.
vi)The Chard/Bromhead Award for Person Most Likely to win VC: Mr. Lah-Di-Dah Gunner Alistair.
vii)The Mary Magdalene Award for Player Most Likely to Rise Again: John Callendar
viii)The "Just For Men" Award For Looking Under Age: Mike Howard (apparently)
ix)The "Up a Certain Creek" Award for Late Selection Notice: Peter Makower v. Redbourn (Cup)

Any Other Business/Action Points:-

i) Contact "Choice Cricket" about possible Vets format for next year.
ii) Player Recruitment (as necessary) ?
iii) Tour. Was this a serious commitment to really trying to get something off the ground ?

Capt. Prefab
9/2/11

DOUBLE WINNERS/CUP FINAL : THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : 9/12/10

2010-12-10T19:31:00.002Z

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to see The Colts win the "Doubl-ay". It was fantasy Lapland style stuff at the Choice Cricket Grotto on Thursday evening as the biting cold of winter and the biting wit of Bally were on show. Redbourn were our old foe from Christmas past, present and no doubt future and it was for the Colts to take on the role of Scrooge and ensure that everything under the tree was ours.

As with any Christmas arrangements there were the inevitable family arguments and problems. Mike “Hogmanay” Howard had gone down with a nasty touch of Jock 'flu, Steve “Mistletoe” Ball was over-excited like a small boy on Christmas morning whilst “The Sledge” was stuck on his sleigh somewhere around Harlow and couldn’t see his way through to even make it for a late glass of sherry before dossing down on the Z-bed in the spare room. These were grim omens that not even a repeat of “The Great Escape” and the winning of the toss could resolve. Capt. “Santa” Prefab chose to bat which looked like it suited Redbourn and a hastily re-jigged batting line up now included David “Brandy Butter” Whiteley, John “Advent” Callender and Peter “Band Aid” Makower. The Big Mak had actually been the saviour for the evening (with apologies to our Lord “JC”) in turning up at very short notice to replace “Sister Sledge” who had given up on the M11 and decided to head back to his igloo.

“Santa” and “Brandy Butter” opened up but this was to prove a difficult evening for the big fella from the frozen North. A red nose and the bristles of a white beard are all very well but it doesn’t make up for getting out in the first over. “The Mighty Wylie” (3-0-32-0) is like sprouts on your plate, not easy to dispose of, and an over-eager attempt at a single left “Santa” reaching back for his crease like your grandad trying to reach the TV remote to turn over for the “Queen’s Speech” but without getting out of his chair. Again, much like grandad, he ended up in an undignified heap on the carpet. It was important for “Hogmanay” (39* in 23) and “Butter” (23 in 16) to rebuild and this they did with a turkey leg-bye here and a mince wide there as the score got up to 70-2 in 7 overs. Redbourn were good with the satsuma and their fielding was keen like auntie Flora trying to get at the chocolate liqueurs before setting up “Twister” in the living room. If matches, like stomachs, have turning points then the next partnership between “Advent” (22 in 12) and “Mistletoe” (30* in 11) was crucial. “Advent” was the port to “Mistletoe’s” stilton and together they got the total to 127 in the 11th over with a stand of 48 in 4 overs that glistened like tinsel. “Hogmanay” added another 14 off the final “Wylie” over and the Colts were done at 141-4 and with a big tin of Quality Street waiting on the sideboard.

Redbourn knew they would have to bat well as “Hogmanay” (3-0-37-3) was about to show everyone what being the king of swing is all about. Two vicious in-duckers went crashing in to the insteps of the in-laws “Nigel” and “Test Match” (that’s what the score-card says) and they were both given very out by umpire Gary Stanford. “Band Aid” (3-0-39-0) was tidy if prone to no-balling for the first time since the last Morecambe & Wise BBC Christmas special. Only “Boz” (37 in 20) could keep the Colts mixed nuts at bay as “Wylie” was clean bowled. "Mistletoe” (2-0-12-1) found the perfect time to rediscover his mojo as a Terry’s chocolate orange jaffa was too good for “Emmo” (14 in 8) and “1-Shot” (15 in 8) was run out after one optimistic call for a quick single too many. This left “Boz” standing on his own like a crusty bottle of advocaat as the Colts swarmed around like carol singers on a rich man's doorstep. It took one last final delivery from “Butter” (1.1-0.1-12-1) for the big man in red to finally come down the chimney and get the party started. “Santa” Prefab swapped the dustbin lids he’d had taped to his hands all innings for a pair of wicket-keeping gauntlets, actually caught something and then managed to stumble through the stumps like a drunk in a dark alley as “Boz” took a hapless step down the track.

There were tears, there was perspiration in buckets from “Hogmanay” and there was a congratulatory ‘phone call from Sister Sledge’s Sat-Nav to ask if anyone knew the way home from Aldershot. Redbourn had been fine opponents but once again the key moments had slipped away from them like that last “After Eight” down the back of the sofa.

The Colts are worthy “Double Winners” again.

MoM : It could be Peter “Band Aid” Makower for answering the call with an hour’s notice but there’s no substitute for pure class and “Hogmanay” takes it for 39* and 3-37.

Captain’s yuletide log : Star date 101210 : As a first season in command, thank you to everyone for being mostly helpful, mainly willing, partly able, often available but we made an outstanding squad. The “Double” was fully merited and you can’t put a price on those little bits of gold-painted plastic (well, you can, they’re about 40p each in a job lot and Whiteley’s broken one of his already).

Captain’s yuletide log : Star date 101210 Additional : Curry AGM looks likely to be first week in January 2011. Possibly Friday 7th ? Team photos and Awards.

CHAMPIONS !! : THE COLTS V. CRABTREE DADS : 2/12/10

2010-12-03T19:15:00.002Z

On the score-sheet last night “Bally” was entered as “Pauly” and the good fella had a big evening as the Colts left a huge horse’s head in the bed of the Crabtree Dads. We took a terrible revenge on the unsuspecting Fathers for the disrespect that had been visited upon our family. The Colts crime syndicate was ready to run the numbers and roll the dice as we looked to take care of business with the league title on the line.

Capo “Don” Prefab stuck two olives in his cheeks (no, not those, think higher) and squeezed in to a dinner jacket to head up the organization whilst surrounding himself with trusty side-kicks who all carried suspicious looking bulges under their clothes but this may just have been extra layers because of the fricking cold. Andrew “Bullet” Hedges was in a mean mood and carried a violin case (who knew that The Hedge played the violin ?). David “Mumbles” Whiteley had a feather- duster instead of a knuckle-duster. Three-Fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower had a razor in his shoe whilst “Pauly” Bally wandered around muttering to everyone “I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you ? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you ? What do you mean funny, funny how ? How am I funny ?” which put everyone a little bit on edge. The final member of the crew was Johnny “Blue Eyes” Callender who was the baby-faced assassin for the evening.

Like all good heists this one started with the flipping of a coin and the moving of several ten gallon tanks of illicit moonshine across the Bedfordshire border under the very noses of the Feds. “Don” Prefab opted to bat first but after a meeting with the family lawyer and a ceremony involving a pistol, a knife and the image of a saint he sent out “Mumbles” and “Bullet” in a change to the usual opening pair. “Mumbles” (32* in 12) was off to the races right from the start whilst “Bullet” (28* in 16) took slightly longer for his roulette wheel to start spinning. We were 65-0 in 5 overs and the Pops were yelling for mercy, particularly after “Bullet” whipped a stiletto of a straight drive and took off the bowler’s fingers before whacking the cop on the back wall for good measure. This was scary stuff and even a code of silence wasn’t going to stop the men from Sicily. “Blue Eyes” (30* in 15) found a tommy gun and continued the St. Valentine’s day massacre and he was joined by “Leroy” Makower (20 in 8) who was the only casualty after he was betrayed by a poor call and then run out at a turnpike toll booth. Capo “Don” (22* in 9) then extorted further payments as he was joined by “Big Pauly” who had just completed a “ten-stretch” at the Big House after being found guilty of taking a pinch when the heat was on and the hooch was so hot it was steaming. Bear that in mind the next time you’re asked by “Big Pauly” to lend him a tenner and can he watch the first session of the Test match at your place. 166-1 was a match winning total and The Colts were looking to close out the league season in Las Vegas style. We were there all week – try the veal.

“Leroy” (2.1-0-7-2) took a wicket in the first over, caught by “Bullet” and “Big Pauly” (3-0-20-2) was bowling himself back in to some form. “Pauly” had a rough time of it last game out and he was heard before the Dads’ innings whispering to Capo “Don” “I swear on the lives of my children, give me one last chance to redeem myself and I will sin no more”. How can you argue with that ? The Dads went down swinging but only “Big Rob” (27 in 28) really found the back wall as the others were intent on trying to hit the ball up through the roof. The Colts took 3 catches off Rick O’Sheas (that well known Irish gangster) and the court was turning in to Hell’s Kitchen as the score fell to 55-4 in 7 overs. The Colts were untouchable and the Pops had brought a knife to a gun-fight as Capo “Don” snaffled a good one down the leg-side before the batter could even say “You dirty rat”. By now the Dads were on the road to perdition and it would take more than a hoodlum loan shark with a billy club to sort things out. “Pauly” was heard to say “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” – whatever that meant.

In the final scene, the police surrounded the building and Capo “Don” called on the Dads to surrender but the Dads decided to fight it out. The police fired tear gas in to the office but the Dads managed to escape. All the evil henchmen were then shot by the police when they tried to give themselves up. Capo “Don” climbed to the top of a gigantic, globe-shaped gas storage tank with the league title shield clasped in his hands and shouted "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (roll closing credits).

MoM : Despite “Mumbles” voting for himself the family decided that the most worthy villain of the piece was three-fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower with 20 & 2.1-0-7-2.

THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : PART 2 - LEAGUE : 23/11/10

2010-11-24T14:45:00.001Z

A long time ago, in a Dairy Milk far, far away…it is a period of uncivil war. Rebel Colts, striking from a hidden base, have won consecutive victories against evil foes in the Vets division of the Outer Rim Indoor Cricket league. The last bastion with an unbeaten record were Flamstead who we had beaten well in the Intergalactic Cup the week before. Captain “Flash – Aha – He’ll Save Every One of Us” Prefab had his team in hyper-drive and at warp speed as they took one further giant leap towards a cosmic “Double”. Along for the trek were David “R2D2” Whiteley, Andrew “Ming the Merciless” Hedges, Mike “Captain, I Cannae Hold Her - She’s Gonna Blow” Howard, Stephen “Uranus” Ball and Simon “Bones” Williams. All we needed were some dilithium crystals and remember that this was a group that had done the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsepts (whatever the Hell that means).

With phasers set to stun the crowd, Captain “Flash” showed stern, Kirk-ish leadership ability by telling his team that his intention was to sweep the local atmosphere for impurities (Redbourn spies) and then bowl. One by one each member of the crew showed mutinous tendencies by saying that we should bat. “Flash” bottled it like a Vulcan drinking vodka shots and agreed to bat despite a recent personal record that would make a Wookie blush (if you could tell). “Flash” (37* in 19) actually did OK after whopping out his light sabre but he was perilously close to being run out in the second over as Mr. Spock in the commentary booth called the decision at the non-striker’s end “illogical”. “R2D2” (13 in 13) was struggling to get going after a good run of form and he fell to a soft catch after driving a straight 6. “Scotty” Howard (44* in 20) was hot like a nova and he set pulses racing before retiring to leave “Bones” (15 in 7), “Ming” (13 in 4) and “Uranus” (8 in 2) to take aim at the back wall like shooting wamp-rats in the swamp back home. “Ming” jabba’d one asteroid over Saturn’s outer rings for an 8 using his new improved Bradbury-blaster before admitting afterwards that “I didn’t really get hold of it”. The Colts are peerless in this form of the game at accelerating and 61-1 after 6 overs was followed by taking 88 from the last 6 to post an imposing 149-4. Like the Death Star on a Saturday night this was enough to frighten anyone especially with the Imperial Guard loosening up to bowl.

Flamstead’s innings was the perfect example of the Colts’ potency in this form of the game. Putting away his sonic screw-driver, Captain “Flash” threw the ball to his opening daleks to “exterminate” the Flamstead top order. Before you could say “Saucy, young, ginger minx side-kick who Bally may fancy” it was 15-4 and the match was over. “Scotty” (3-0-11-2) warped one opener third ball and the next two followed with catches to the ‘keeper, one easy and one decent (like space vixen sisters) whilst the fourth was caught by “R2D2” at the wall. The batsmen’s totals at this stage were 0,0,5,2 which coincidentally is the dialling code for Pluto. “Ming” (33-0-18-1) also had a decent figure like Princess Leia in the gold bikini. The Colts’ total by this stage was “to Infinity and Beyond” for Flamstead and it was left to “Mark” (26* in 27) and skipper “Graham” (26* in 18) to fend off the remaining overs. Well, when I say fend off, that would be doing the “Uranus” second over a major injustice. By the wrath of Khan, skipper “Graham” decided that someone was going to pay for the blowing up of his entire planet and “Uranus” was the bowler of choice. It was as if the back wall had a tractor beam as the asteroid was fizzed back with interest. Of course this can happen to any spinner on any given day but you have to be careful if you then decide to whizz back a photon torpedo in the general direction of the batsman at the end of the over. It wasn’t as if “Graham” was even wearing a tactical re-con battle helmet and he watched “Uranus” behave very Un-Obi-Wan-Kenobi-like by throwing his space-bricks out of the starship. An inter-galactic incident was avoided with the usual diplomacy from “Flash”. Flamstead hit the end credits at 83-4 preventing a few bonus points but if they thought it was all yoda……it very nearly is now.

MoM: Captain “Flash” moonraked his way in to contention but “Scotty” Howard moonwalked the decision with 44* and 3-0-11-2.

Xmas AGM availability

2010-11-21T16:48:00.002Z

THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : PART 1 - CUP SEMI-FINAL : 18/11/10

2010-11-19T19:26:00.002Z

The Colts went to the pub with Flamstead last night for a good old fashioned “Knees up Mother Brown”. One team was going to drink the other under the table and with “The Yard of Hedge” on our side we were fairly confident that Flamstead would be the ones chucking up in a dumpster in a couple of hours’ time. Being a vets team we were looking for somewhere with a quiet ambience, log fire, no juke-box and no students drinking out of goldfish bowls with 43 straws. The sort of pub where Pete Makower can smoke his pipe and have his shotgun broken over his knee in the comfort of an antique armchair with Bally lying asleep at his feet in a basket. The Colts team was the usual mix of mild and bitter. Capt. “Aftershock” Prefab was looking to get back amongst the runs. Mike “Whisky” MacHoward had brought his own hip flask. John “Page 3” Callender had brought his own hips. David “Half of Bitter” Whiteley was in his cups whilst “The Yard of Hedge” and Simon “Champagne” Williams were hoping to pop the odd cork if things went well.

We had heard a lot about Flamstead this winter as they are up at the bar with us in the league and they were expected to be tough opponents as we took them on at billiards followed by a round of darts and a game of spoof. The early drinking was going to be with the Colts asked to bat after a coin toss at the quiz machine that took a confusing turn as it took both captains several moments at the introduction before they realised that they were both named Graham/Graeme. Not for nothing had these two been elected to senior office and neither had the excuse of having had a drink yet. So with cocktails shaken and the Colts openers stirred it was Capt. “Aftershock” (10 in 4) and “Half a Bitter” who strode out to sip the first slow comfortable screw up against the wall of the evening. “Half of Bitter” (41* in 24) is in a tremendous run of form at the moment and his dash of tonic was just what the doctor ordered as his drinking partner slid off his stool in the 2nd over being caught and bowled. The Colts batting has consistently out-pernod everyone this season but we were not getting the drinks in tonight as “MacHoward” (15 in 10) played on, “The Yard of Hedge” (3 in 5) was well caught and bowled and “Champagne Willy” was run out in a mix up. Before anyone could strike up a chord on the ol’ piano in the corner it was left to “Page 3” (21* in 14) to show a bit of graft and experience in getting his team to 131-4. Those before him may have held a bat like a slice of lemon but “Page 3” wielded it like a pub landlord taking charge of the TV remote and it proved to be a vital innings. It is also worth noting that whilst they were good the Flamstead Sambucas gave up 33 wides. On the balcony Capt. “Aftershock” (I’m hoping that name might catch on y’know) said to “Champagne Willy”: “Well, we’re in a game now. We’d better bowl well”.

As it happened we bowled very well.

The captain saw no reason to clean out the crisp rack so he stuck with the usual flavours of the cheese ‘n’ onion from “MacHoward” and the prawn cocktail of “The Yard of Hedge” whilst opening a bag of “Wotsits” on the table during the “Full Court Press” dictated by the Powerade regulations. We were spicy “Bloody Mary” with a dash of tabasco hot right from the start. “MacHoward” (3-0-14-2) bounced one out to be caught by “the Yard” in tribute to his fielding hero, Monty Panesar. He also castlemained the No. 3 with a peach schnapps of an in-ducker that was just too good. By the time “The Yard” skulled a stumping, Flamstead were flummoxed at 26-3 off 4 overs and were going to struggle to keep up with the rate if they made it to closing time. The Colts were sharp like a three month old bottle of German table wine and only “Matt” (28 in 23) was able to sip sweetly from the schooner of success as he retired to the snug. “Champagne” (0-28) was gin slinging down some genuine fizz and made a run out before “Half of Bitter” delivered the crème de menthe. The opposition skipper (called Graham if memory serves) swung and missed at one in a straight glass and was bowled but what was needed was a “Royal Lochnagar” of a moment to complete the triumph. “Half a Bitter” pocketed the little package he’d got from that machine in the men’s toilets, zipped himself up and sent down one final slippery nipple at the returning “Matt”. What followed was enough to make anyone feel as tipsy as a typist at the office Christmas party. “Matt” stella’d the ball towards the midwicket wall where “MacHoward” had crept up tighter than a PVC nurse’s uniform in Newcastle on a Saturday night. With the ball almost behind him Mike threw himself down like he’d seen a pound on the floor and picked up the ball one handed and inches from the carpet. Breathtaking stuff.

Flamstead were gracious in defeat and it was good to put in such a performance in front of the watching Redbourn and Final.

MoM : Yorkshire’s finest. A lot of bottle from “Half of Bitter” Whiteley (41* and 2-14) as the man who put the “lower” in to “Lowenbrau”. Follow the Bear !!!

THE COLTS V. TOTTERNHOE : 16/11/10

2010-11-17T19:22:00.001Z

It was the announcement that the entire country had been waiting for. The Prince of Colts had gone down on one knee, stuck a familiar ring on the proffered finger and then taken the good men of Totternhoe right up the aisle. By Royal assent the engagement was delivered to the good men of the associated press as the two sides declared their love for each other and discussed plans for a right royal knees up.

“King Prefab of the Netherlands” was accompanied by David “Warden of the Royal Privy” Whiteley, Prince “Randy Andy” Hedges, Peter “The Orb” Makower, Mike “The Duke of Glasgow” Howard and Steve “Princess Margaret” Ball in a line-up dripping with in-bred but noble blood. Grandmas in Swindon were beside themselves with questions like what dress designer did “Princess Margaret” Ball prefer and would he be wearing white ? Would “The Duke of Glasgow” insult all of the foreigners and did “King Prefab” know how to drive through a tunnel after the post match pint of lager without running in to a supporting concrete post ? Would “Randy Andy” arrive by helicopter at the tax-payers’ expense ? Did “The Orb” need a damn good polish ?

Totternhoe were demure and bashful as they offered to bowl first upon winning the toss but their opening overs were testing and well directed like the Queen Mother attempting to locate the drinks cabinet. The Totts kept wides to a decent number (they bettered The Colts by 16 to 34) and quickly beheaded “King Prefab” (11 in 6) as he took off for one of the most ill-advised ventures since The Crusades by running a quick one slowly as he hit the ball straight back to a fielder. This left “The Warden” (46* in 22) and “The Thin White Duke” (40 in 18) to put on a formidable partnership of 52 in brilliant time even though the Totts kept their discipline with the ball. Both knights were retired to allow “Randy Andy” (7 in 7) and “Princess Margaret” (28* in 11) to indulge in a close relationship that may have caused a huge scandal in another time and place but worked very well here until “Margaret” pulled the rug from “Randy Andy’s” head and left him high, bald, dry and run out. Like Prince Charles, “The Orb” (3 in 2) had waited a lifetime to be anointed but he did not get a chance to rule for long before he was cruelly caught short backing-up like a corgi with a stomach complaint. By now the Totts had kept the Colts to 25 in the last 3 overs but “The Duke” then unleashed the crown jewels of his full range of strokes. The penultimate over went for 26 and the last one for 17 as The Prince of Colts mounted Zara Phillips’ horse (careful) and drank deeply from the stirrup cup of glory posting a regal target of 155-4.

Totternhoe’s hopes of a “Peasants’ Revolt” were halted with a superlative bowling performance. Despite the high and wide count of 34 there was menace in almost every delivery and “The Duke” (0-12) and “Randy Andy” (1-21) in particular swung the ball round courtiers and made the ball jump disconcertingly like Edward Longshanks at the sight of a hairy Scot. “The Orb” (0-17) had already proved miserly in a state opening that included an excellent stumping down the leg-side by “King Prefab” off “Randy” and some sound ground fielding. “Tim the Terrible” (25* in 24) hung around well although the run-rate was climbing and The Colts were unable to take the extra wickets they hoped for. The Totts closed at 87-3 with The Colts putting in arguably their best performance of the season as they stay neck-and-neck with Flamstead….just as Henry VIII would like it.

The Colts now have back-to-back matches against Flamstead as the season climaxes like Prince William and Kate Middleton as they……….(nope, I’m not going to The Tower by finishing that one).

MoM: Could be almost anyone but “The Warden of the Royal Privy” takes this one for a gutsy personal performance.

THE COLTS V. FROGMORE : 9/11/10

2010-11-10T14:17:00.001Z

The Democrat Colts lined up against the Republican Frogs at the Redbournville Superdome for Monday Night Football played in fact on any given Tuesday evening (and usually at 9pm). There were tail-gate parties and a motorcade on Wall Street although President “Obama” Prefab did look a little nervously at the grassy knoll and the book depository building as he drove to the venue. Perhaps “Air Force 1” would have been a better bet but it’s not easy trying to slip in to Luton airport unannounced when you’re accompanied by four F-16’s and a stealth bomber plus Hilary Clinton. David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne had even brought a cheerleader with him although the very lovely Daphne looked to have left her pom poms at home as she took her place on the balcony. It has to be said that it was turning in to a worrying evening for President “Prefab” as after grassy knolls, the next thing on a President’s list of favourite things to avoid is balconies at evening entertainment events as people have a habit of popping in and assassinating you before the end of the first act (or innings) but mercifully John Wilkes Booth stayed in the bar watching the soccer on TV. Flanked by his bodyguards “The Prez” called badly and lost the vote on his Healthcare reforms as well as being asked to step up to bat at the top of the first inning.

The very offensive line for the Colts was made up in full from “The Prez”, David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne, Simon “Baked Alaska” Williams, David “Viva Las Vegas” Whiteley, Steve “Sweet Georgia” Ball and “Mississipete” Makower. Lining up on the other side of the pigskin were the Frogs who had arrived by helicopter gun-ship (to the theme tune to “Ride of the Valkyries”) and from the warm up looked to have a decent bowling attack. It was time to enter the playing area and put bat to ball as the Colts openers entered the strike zone for the initial power-play. The Frogs lined up in the slot formation with two tight-ends and a free safety in a “hurry-up” defence using the time-out at the 2 minute warning. “The Prez” (43* in 15 balls) and “Viva Las Vegas” (32* in 19) made an early declaration of independence and a super-size Hawaii 5-3 was on the board by the 4th over with “The Prez” retired to the Starsky & Hutch. In truth there was very little wrong with the Frogs pitching from the mound but runs were still coming freely like fries with a cheeseburger and “Sweet Georgia” Ball (26* in 14) delighted as his milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. “Baked Alaska” (10 in 5) was run out in a Boston Tea Party of a miscommunication with “Viva Las Vegas” and it will be some time before these two attend any sort of party together again. “Ol’ Man Mississipete” (12 in 5) then jumped on the paddle-steamer and burned through the everglades closely pursued by Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane in a patrol car but “The Duke of Hazard” (6 in 5) could only add a few more before he was deemed to be plumb FBI. “Mississipete” caused some consternation by handing his ol’ granpappy’s male protector to “The Prez” in the cage, leaving “The Prez” to comment, much like Robert Duval in “Apocalypse Now !” : “I love the smell of Pete Makower in the evening”. “The Prez” got back in to the West Wing for a few extra runs at the end and The Colts were delighted to have again achieved a score in excess of 160 despite another attempt by the opposition to use the “Full Court Press” fielding technique.

The Frogs were undoubtedly relying on “Lee Harvey” Craig (13 in 6) but he was run out by the CIA in an undercover “Black Op” involving a conspiracy theory, a magic bullet, Richard Nixon, Al Capone, Area 51 and a quick return throw to the bowler’s end as Craig tripped over his own feet. All the Colt quarterbacks had a good evening but particularly the leg-spinning Butch & Sundance of “The Duke” (3 overs, 0-6) and “Baked Alaska” (2 overs, 1-4) as Frogmore caught the Hill Street Blues with not many on the board for plenty of outs. It was left to General “Stonewall” Rob (3 in 21) to use his bat like the Hoover Dam in trying to keep The Colts at bay and avoid a Frogman Missile Crisis but rather than a cold war this turned in to a comfortably warm win. The Dow Jones index for The Colts’ prospects this season remains reassuringly buoyant.

MoM : “The Prez” for 43* in 15 balls. Surely destined for the Hall of Fame plus he’s the leader of the free world.

THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER : 2/11/10

2010-11-03T19:22:00.002Z

Match report courtesy of the lead guitarist from U2 – “The Hedge”. Achtung Baby !

Report :-

So the Colts rolled into town once more, this time for an early start, once again up against the new boys for 2010 – St John Fisher, a side we beat comfortably in the Cup a few weeks back. Big changes to the team for this game. Capt “Prefab” was unavailable – apparently “busy” in town looking up colleagues’ skirts and pulling on his, sorry, their boas. No Mike, no Dave W, no John C. No SKY cameras either! So, Captain Bally stepped up to the plate, promptly fell over it, won the toss and stuck the oppo in. Gasps were heard all over Hertfordshire as he opted to open up with not one but two spinners. “Mange tout Rodney, mange tout” – Bally was heard to say….

Fisher came racing out of the blocks, posting 12 off the first over from “Third Degree” Byrne. “Pistol” Pete Mak soon saw an end to such frivolities though, firing ball after ball into the oppo’s pads at an alarming, albeit non-turning, rate. Such was his success though that his 3 overs of frugality helped leave Fisher with just 43 on the board at the half way stage, albeit for the loss of only one wicket. For the remaining 6 overs Fisher did their best to make it ever more easy for the Colts, their decision making when it came to running between the wickets not being of the most obvious quality. The Hedge’s levels of profanity increased commensurably with each squeezed edge for 3 runs. Bally bowled tidily (though went for plenty again) but between them they managed to get the only two wickets not to come from run outs - of which there were 3. Fisher’s opener – having retired early – came back almost as soon as he had sat down and crafted his way to a very respectable 54 not out. Fisher closed on 110-5; eminently get-able.

The old firm (I’m reliably informed they’re referred to as) opened up for Colts. Tim & Simon raced to 47 off 3 overs, Fisher contributing 30 of those via extras – 16 of which came off the 3rd over alone. Simon departed early in the 5th over for a solid 7 with the score on 51, Tim stroked his way to retirement, Hedge steadfastly played straight for a change and Bally came in and dispatched the ball to all parts – though mainly the back wall and somewhat agriculturally, it could be said. His left elbow has pointed higher, shall we say. With the scores tied in the 10th over Fisher sent down yet another wide to complete the match. 40 runs of our 111 target were donated by the opposition; an easy victory against a team who are still clearly finding their feet in the indoor format.

A special mention for Simon who offered up his services behind the stumps in the absence of Capt. “Prefab”. During the warm up the ball was ricocheting to all parts off his pads, arms, gloves – it didn’t bode well. Yet during the game – one hilariously misjudged attempt at a catch aside – he performed magnificently. He conceded just 3 byes - a top effort.

Man of the match was a toss up between “Pistol” and Hedge. Pete bowled flatter than an Icelandic landscape and was impossible to get away. Hedge was mercifully straighter than the previous week, picked up a wicket and got a few runs too. Through a combination of this, showing a pleasingly acceptable level of swearing at the batsmen plus the fact that I’ve written this whereas Bally just couldn’t be arsed, I make my myself MOM.

“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” in other words. And YES, Bally, we do all know a song like that.

Congrats to Capt. Ball for helping to maintain the 100% record. It was sooooooo quiet on the pitch this week……..?

MoM : “The Hedge” just for being there, writing the match report and using (or making up) words like “commensurably”. He could yet be to The Colts what Stephen Fry is to the English language, culture, gentle humour, wry tweeting, celibacy and polite society.

THE COLTS V. LONG MARSTON : 28/10/10

2010-10-29T19:23:00.000+01:00

It was a dark and stormy night as the grisly spectre of The Undead Colts took on the Zombies of Long Marston in a battle from beyond the grave. At the abandoned manor house of the Choice Cricket Centre (complete with creaking door on rusty hinges) there was an eerie number of broomsticks in the car park (or broom park) as witches and wizards flocked to drop unspeakable bits of rat in to Peter “The Mad Axeman” Makower’s coffin.

“Axeman” was making his debut at this decapitated format of the game but in a side also containing “Baron Von Franken-Prefab”, Andrew “Uncle Feste” Hedges, David “Slash‘n” Byrne, David “Headless” Whiteley and John “The Vampire” Callendar. To complete the illusion of films from the horror genre, there was even a TV crew from the “Blighty” channel on Sky who had come down to film things for the shock value of watching a group of unsuspecting veterans set upon by a ravenous horde (well, most of us hadn’t eaten). It was going to be like the film “Cocoon” but in reverse – or so we hoped.

The red “Baron” took part in the toss of the severed body part and it correctly came down as a “head”. God knows what dismembered section of corpse would have come down if he’d called “tails”. Long Marston had looked pretty good in the warm-up so The Undead Colts elected to bowl as their opponents unpacked various scythes, swords, sickles and other sharp objects used to good effect if you are playing a cut shot. As the old grandfather clock in the corner struck 13, the pumpkin was thrown to “Headless” Whiteley for the first over. What followed was unfortunately a 6-ball, 18 run nightmare on Elm Street with more wides than there are chainsaws in Texas. “Slash” (2-6) took the next over and calm returned as a lovely over of leg spin brought just 1 run and a wicket for a catch by “The Vampire” off the side wall.

At this point Long Marston really topped themselves as if they knew that the villagers were already at the gates and the monster was never going to rise from the table no matter how much lightning was flashing across the night sky. “Slash” took a sharp caught and bowled and there were a couple of smooth run outs from “The Vampire” as he devoured the non-strikers on each occasion before they made it safe on to holy ground. Marston were deep in the mire and up to their necks in gore as 4 wickets fell before anyone even had a chance to say “I wonder what’s down here in this cellar where the lights don’t appear to work ?”. “The Mad Axeman” hadn’t even unsheathed his enormous weapon yet. Another run out and a “Headless” yorker meant that Marston were all out for just 67.

The Undead Colts were hoping that only the top order of the batting would be required. “Uncle Feste”, “The Axeman” and “Slash” were heard whispering “When shall we three meet again ?” over a cauldron as “Franken-Prefab” and “Headless” (13* in 11) strapped on their pads and marched out to bat holding an iron cross, a clove of garlic and a wooden stake. Martin “Van Helsing” of Long Marston took the first over and it was quickly apparent that the skull being used really did have all of the bounce of a dead cat. “Igor Von Franken-Prefab” was scoreless from 4 balls and was then hit worryingly plumb in front as he tried to play that awful, blood-curdling, nurdle-round-the-corner shot that he never hits. An appeal like a banshee rent the air as ravens scattered from trees and the Marstonites were convinced that they’d drawn blood. It can only be assumed that the umpire was also a zombie and that his index finger had been gnawed off by a rat as the digit of doom was not revealed and “Von Franken-Prefab” (25* in 20) finally made it to the cage by the 5th over. Of course the umpire may also have been put off by the batsman’s head rotating round 360 degrees whist spewing out vomit. Just a thought. The Marstonites knew the game was up by then as 29 extras followed and The Undead Colts romped home for just the cruel loss of “The Vampire” who expired in a shaft of sunlight attempting a quick single.

Afterwards, the Marston captain could be heard saying under his breath : “We would have won too if it hadn’t been for that LBW and you pesky kids”.

MoM : David “Slash’n” Byrne (3-0-6-2) for a bewitching spell of evil leg spin.

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : 19/10/10

2010-10-20T12:52:00.001+01:00

The Colts were back in the operating theatre of league action looking to surgically remove plenty of points from a frail “Nil by Mouth” looking Bamville team. Enforced changes saw Captain “Dr. Jekyll” Prefab select young locum Paul “Dr. Kildare” Goodwin to keep wicket with “Dr. John H. Watson” Callendar, Steve “Medicine” Ball, David “Serious Byrnes Unit“ and David “Grumbling Appendix” Whiteley to make up the side. Donning gowns, masks and gloves before making themselves sterile (in the medical sense, no that’s even worse: in the operating sense – that’s better) the Colts batting line up got ready to perform the Heinrich Heimlich manouevre by taking the first blow to the head.

“Dr. Jekyll” (35 in 13 balls) and “The Appendix” (35* in 19) are a solid opening partnership and have been consulting with each other and charging huge fees in the private sector for years. This procedure was no different as Bam’s best bowler “Jeremy” (0-37) was sedated with little trouble and apart from a minor hiccough in the middle there were plenty of the runs which Bamville were unable to stop even after swallowing a large number of “Arret” capsules and glugging some Pepto-Bismol. The score-sheet, as usual, was as easy to read as a young intern’s prescription pad after a 19 hour shift. Around 70 was on the board by the halfway stage with “Medicine” (27* in 11) and “Dr. John H.” (24 in 13) popping pills and dropping tabs as the score climbed like the temperature from a thermometer stuck in a cup of tea by Sid James. “Dr. Kildare” and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” did not get in until the 10th over and were both out trying to push the score along but this left the openers to take the stitches out and re-enter the incision with enough time to add a further 17. At the end of a 12 over labour the score was a healthy, bouncing 152-4.

The crowd on the balcony by this time had swelled with the arrival of Mr. & Mrs. Sthetic and their daughter Anna as well as her aunty Septic. Mike Rosurgery had popped in to watch as well as Morgan Transplant and Dai Agnosis who had both travelled up from Wales for reasons that we need not go in to. Reggie Strar was also there and from Scandinavia there was Lars Toplast. As if they weren’t enough, even a Knight of the Realm had turned up but Sir Osis Oftheliver had to leave due to feeling unwell.

So, it was time for the Colts to ask Bamville to drop their trousers, turn sideways and cough at the same time as taking their temperature the old fashioned way. Some refer to this as enjoying a visit from an old friend with a cold nose but be that as it may, it was time for the twitching fingers of “The Serious Byrnes Unit” (1-28) to make the orange tumour (ball) talk. The bowling was as tight as Barbra Windsor’s nurse’s uniform. Much like Captain “Jekyll’s” lower extremities there was line, a goodly length (if one does say so oneself) and a complete absence of leg-side extras. Whilst the machine that goes “Ping !!” recorded that Bamville gave away 30 extras (including 24 in wides), The Colts gave up just 7 and 4 of them were in the second over.

“The Appendix” (1-28) was having a good game as was the young locum “Dr. Kildare”. Having aged several years during the week in order to qualify for the match it was helpful to have Paul jumping around behind the sticks and taking a quite extraordinarily balletic one-handed catch off “Medicine”. Not only was this an important breakthrough but it also made Captain “Jekyll” think seriously about retirement. “Dr. John H.” (1-25) administered to the sick with an LBW that nobody else appealed for and it was only the peculiarly named “Allwyn” (40) that kept Bamville in it. With his unblemished visage and lustrous black ringlets of virility framing his eternal youthfulness it was a relief when “The Appendix” injected him with tincture of iodine without the spoonful of sugar and amputated his bails (painful). The Colts were able to finally breathe easily as opening bat “Oliver” had retired hurt earlier on and was strapped to an MRI machine leaving The Bams at 99-5.

The Colts and Flamstead remain unbeaten and were drawn together in the Cup Semi-Final in the most low level, low key and low expense cup draw ever made over the bar using 4 bits or torn up paper, a biro and a beer mat.

MOM : “Dr. Jek” had a decent night as skip and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” bordered at times on unplayable but “The Grumbling Appendix” gets the nod for 35* and 1-28.

THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER (CUP) : 12/10/10

2010-10-13T13:05:00.002+01:00

The Colts moseyed in to town for a high noon appointment at the Alamo Cricket Centre in Redbourn. Well, in fact we turned up at about 8.45pm for a cup match against St. John Fisher and none of us knows how to “mosey” but you get the idea of the widescreen picture (in Technicolor) that I’m going for. Cue the Sergio Leone music. The Magnificent Six was led by Captain “Rowdy” Prefab along with Steve “the ex-Outlaw Josie” Ball, David “Bannock” Byrne, Andrew “Yul” Hedges, Simon “The Rumpo Kid” Williams and John “Sundance” Callendar. It was a case of the good, the bad, the ugly and then the other three (in no particular order). These boys had robbed their way from Utah to Oklahoma but the law just could not seem to track them down. And they served their legend well because the folks they loved to tell about when The Colts came to town (apologies to Billy Joel).

The friendly Fisher captain offered a whisky and rye and a free gob in to the spittoon as well as allowing “Rowdy” the chance to draw (bat) first but the skipper was having none of it and asked for the coin to be tossed. You can’t trust a bandit in a bandana in open country. Fisher won and The Colts were batting. The cup this year has an experimental “Power-play” rule that is in the early testing stages so nobody knew quite what to expect. “Rowdy” (27* in 15) went in with “Yul” (25* in 15) and both started to pick off evil henchmen with ease as a good start made 60-0 from 5 overs. The power-play overs made little obvious difference to the scoring but Fisher’s bowling was better than expected although their fielding was perhaps more enthusiastic than effective. With the 3.10 to Yuma due at any time it was “The Rumpo Kid” (28* in 11) who played the best innings of the night but “Sundance” (26* in 15) also played well and The Colts kept their momentum to post 163-0. Not a wicket lost with not even a snifter of a run out was a fine professional innings from the 6 amigos.

Fisher’s batting, much like James Coburn’s ability with a flick knife, was an unknown quantity. Even more difficult to break in to than a safe in a bank or a Red Indian (sorry, Native American) wagon circle was the combination for deciphering the way that Fisher had filled in the scorecard. “The ex-Outlaw” (0-30) was not at his best but “Bannock” (1-27) had an excellent evening with the orange as did “Sundance” (1-27). The Fisher batsmen must have filled up with beans around the camp fire because it became clear that their Achilles’ heel was their running between the wickets. Run out followed run out and only “Hoss” Watson (42) really challenged the back wall. “Rowdy” earned his spurs with a decent stumping but later had to hand them back for dropping a simple edge. “Sundance” tried to run someone out using the hand that didn’t have the ball but all this was indicative of the fact that Fisher were going to fall well short of the total. “Yul” (0-10) closed things out as Fisher ended up not quite in a Boot Hill grave but not quite strolling off in to the sunset either at 123 all out. Not a bad performance from Fisher as new boys to the competition.

The Colts are in to the semi-finals (opponents to be confirmed) with a chance to drink 10 gallons in the bar.

MoM : John “Sundance” Callendar with 26* and 1-27 off 3.

THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : 5/10/10

2010-10-06T19:30:00.001+01:00

And thus it came to pass (sorry, that was last week’s report in a religious idiom).Tuesday night was fight night. The Rumble in the Jungle, the Clashes for the Ashes and the WWE “All In – Ultimate Fighter Cage Wrestling” bout rolled in to one. The Colts v. Redbourn. It doesn’t get any bigger than this in Herts. Vets. Indoor League cricket. This is the ultimate. The one that everyone wants to play in. We even had Dickie Davis in the World of Sport commentary box and he must have been dead for years.

The warm-up was low-key. “Cyanide Sid” Hedges and Tim “Six” Spence “None the Richer” polished their heads and knuckles, Bally slipped a horseshoe in to his glove, Mike “The Merciless” Howard had a dirk down his trousers (or so he told us but he may just have been pleased to be there), Dave “The Hit Boy” Whiteley performed a half nelson on himself and skipper “Big Daddy Haystacks” stuck in a mouth-guard and practised his belly-flop. The Colts won the toss and the man in the sharp suit and the microphone from the ceiling called out that the favourites would bowl first.

So far so good but then things went a bit off the rails. The Colts were undeniably on the ropes for 6 overs as Mr. Wellsbury from the Ministry (47*) played extremely well and with his opening partner, Bassill (18*), ensured that Redbourn got to 75-1 by the halfway stage of the innings. Steve “The Undertaker” Ball (3-30) then had Bassill put right in to the ratatouille (as Basil Fawlty would say) having him caught by “The Hit Boy” off the back of the bat and the Redbourn innings went in to submission. Having gone at 12.5 per over, the innings then went backwards as two run outs were followed by Bally laying out “Wily” who played no shot to a straight one. Redbourn must have been wanting 150 as a minimum but “Merciless” (0-28) then bowled as fine a penultimate over of indoor quick bowling as anyone can have witnessed. To bowl one fast yorker is good, to bowl two in a row is very good but to bowl an entire over for a maiden just at the time that the slog ought to be on is impressive stuff indeed. Bajpai (6 in 12 balls) ducked, swerved, moved and gave it the ol’ Ali shuffle but he couldn’t lay a glove on anything. Mike danced like a butterfly and with “Cyanide Sid” (0-37) ensured that The Colts would be chasing only a very par score of 132-5. Redbourn had been restricted to 57-4 for their last 6 overs.

So Captain “Haystacks” took to the ring with “The Hit Boy” for one of the more unlikely looking tag partnerships and things started slowly as “Wily” (1-27) was treated with respect. Bassill’s first over consisted of 10 wides and went for 17 and the innings never really looked back. “Haystacks” (17) took a haymaker below the belt as “Wily” sneaked one through for an LBW shout that was upheld by the umpire. “Haystacks” responded with a torrent of good natured banter as the merits of the knockout were discussed with the umpire on his way off court. TV replays, the third umpire, the corpse of Dickie Davis, the white quiff of the corpse of Dickie Davis and the opinion of the rest of the team were that the umpire had made a good decision. It hardly mattered. “Merciless” (26* in 9) spanked it everywhere and “The Hit Boy” (27* in 18) gave him good support. After 6 overs we were 86-1 and all but winners on the referee’s card. Redbourn’s “Full Court Press” tactic was starting to look as effective as Henry Cooper slapping on a good splash of Brut before going in to take on Mike Tyson. “Six” Spence (25* in 11) then rolled back the years to when men were men and to take a bite out of an opponent’s ear during a bout was thought to be dashed bad form. One of his cover drives will not be bettered all season. “Cyanide” Hedges (11* in 10) made sure of the rest and with 9 balls to spare the fight went out of Redbourn as they stared upwards at the lights from the canvas. Two wins in two and the Championship belt feels comfortable at the moment.

MoM : Tough on “Mauler” Ball as his 3-30 was a good effort but it must be Mike “the Merciless” Howard for his sensational maiden over and quickfire 26*.

COLTS V. FINAL CC : 28 SEPT. 2010

2010-09-29T13:18:00.003+01:00

And thus it came to pass that a man walked among us having been born under a wandering star, wrapped in swaddling clothes and then they laid him in a manger. “I am the Resurrection” said John “JC” Callendar as he arrived for the Colts’ first league game against Final CC. Most of us had just shaken hands and asked how we all were. Hedge had his old bat but a new pair of trainers, Bally had a twinkle in his eye and Captain “Pontius Pilate” Prefab had the skipper’s arm-band. “JC” brought his aura. A 7pm start left little time for much communion between the players as the new skipper lost the “half-a-denari-for-me-life-story” coin toss and the Colts were in the Garden of Gethsemane, fielding under the shadow of a huge wooden cross that JC had brought with him (instead of a bat).

It was a subdued start to play as both sides appeared as rusty as a tin bath which had been left out in the rain on the deck of a Victorian iron sailing ship. The creaking of limbs was audible as arms, legs, knees, backs and shoulders sounded like creaky hinges in a haunted house. Even a pre-match blessing from our Lord didn’t seem to have helped much. Captain Pontius was being advised from behind the stumps by St. Stephen of Ball who had also turned up with a copper bracelet inscribed with the initials “WWJCD” (“What Would John Callendar Do”). In fact “Hedge The Baptist” bowled pretty well in the beginning (was the word) and the fielding was as sharp as a line from St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (and they did love a letter). What was peculiar was Final’s decision not to send their best bat in straight away. This was somewhat like Noah deciding not to bother with an ark. The Baptist (0-12) was miserly but the rest of the bowling was mixed with a good over here followed by a not so good over there. St. Stephen (later to be stoned to death and thus martyred) took a wicket with a fine off-spinner and nabbed another from a stumping. Final struggled to post a total as star player Tariq came in too late and then could not get back on to court after retiring. The Colts were satisfied to take loaves and fishes at the interval facing a target score of 108-4.

Pontius gave a brief sermon on the mount (including 10 commandments – 1. We shalt win, 2. Thou shalt not run me out etc.) before opening the batting with Mike “The Kirk” Howard and there followed a small glimpse of the form The Colts had shown in winning “The Double” last season. The Kirk retired in the 3rd over (strangely on 24* according to the score-sheet – one for the money-lenders in the Temple to recalculate) with the score on 43-0 and from there it looked like it would be a walk in the park (or a wander in the wilderness). Pontius (25*) retired in the 5th over and washed his hands of the whole match. A glance at “JC” showed that everything would be alright although a plague of locusts outside suggested otherwise. St. Simon then entered the fray and with St. Andrew (due to be crucified upside down if memory serves) we started to creep towards the target. It would be fair to say that St. Simon (21*) needs some alone time in order to become reacquainted with his bat but St. Andrew (21) clubbed some lusty blows to the back wall and it looked as though the Lions would defeat the Christians as predicted. Tariq was wheeling away cleverly but still slipping the odd ball down the leg-side and Final could not cling on to the odd tough chance that came along the Appian Way. St. Hedge was finally clean bowled and ascended up to Heaven and that left the Holy One to walk across water and spank his first two balls in to the side wall for the winning runs. A decent win as JC acknowledged by turning water in to lager in the bar afterwards.

Here endeth the lesson.

MoM : St. Hedge for 0-12 off 3 overs and 21. The Captain stands charged with blasphemy for not selecting JC and will now face a stoning (even if he did say “Jehovah”).

The Final match report

2009-12-11T14:53:00.003Z

It was Cup Final day (or rather evening) and "Abide With Me" played over the Choice Cricket Stadium PA system as Eddie Waring and Stuart Hall warmed up the crowd with a few cheeky gags and a round of "jeux sans frontieres". Most of the Colts team who had arrived early were entertained by a cheeky girls' match between Potters Bar CC and Radlett CC that was a leg-warmer for the main event. Graeme "Stumpy" Sprowson was a little put out at his supposed team-mates amusement at some of the epithets being attached to the Radlett 'keeper but the bowling was tidy, there was a reliable leg-spinner on view and some of the batting was feisty and not
unattractive. The main recommendation might be a little less sugar intake for the Radlett fielders next time as the ground fielding was at best excitable and at worst like white mice who had been fed a diet of washing powder and strychnine as part of an experiment. Still, like all good chick flicks there were screams and plenty of tears at the end as Potters Bar ran out deserved winners

Back to the Cup Final theme such as it is. Billy the white horse cleared the arena as the hordes swept up Wembley Way to the Hertingfordbury Estate. A long team warm-up was followed by Simon "Bobby Moore" Williams introducing his team to the Duke of Kent and the late Princess Diana who had popped along for the evening. In sepia print photographs in the future schoolboys in short trousers with rattles and long Gryffindor scarves will wonder at the nobility of jaw, athleticism of leg and fullness of belly that were on display as "God Save the Queen" was played followed by the Colts' adopted anthem - Bachman Turner Overdrive's "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet". Let's rock !

Redbourn were enthusiastic at the coin toss as the umpire for the evening produced a velvet bag from his coat pocket which contained a rare £ 2 pound coin with Her Majesty depicted wearing a pearl necklace given to her by Prince Phillip on their honeymoon. The crowd was hushed (mainly because there were only 4 of them) as Redbourn's affectionately nicknamed "Scrote" called correctly and charged the Colts with batting first. "Bobby Moore" chose to attack the Kop End and we were away with "Stumpy" and David "Cow's Arse with a Banjo" Whiteley opening the innings.

"Wiley" took the first over and true to his reputation as a ball winning midfielder he was tight like a pair of one size fits all stockings (so I'm told). As a side-bar at this point, when talking about nicknames, surely the footballer "Fitz Hall" was given the best one ever being "One Size" ? Hall is followed closely only by South African bowler Monde "All Hands" Zondecki and Gloucestershire former batsman Paul "Human" Romaines. "Wiley" went for only 7 off his first over but then the Colts eased in to cruise control. "Nigel" was perhaps a strange choice to bowl the next over as his gentle offers went for 16 and the following overs added 14 and 15 whereas the 5th over went for anywhere between 20, 22 or 27 depending upon whose writing you try to read on the score-sheet. It's a sad state of affairs when a Hedge Fund Manager, an insurance Claims Adjuster and a Lloyd's Underwriter can't jot down six numbers in a square box to record a score in a game that they've all played for a combined total of probably over 60 years.

"Stumpy" by this time had retired and "Banjo" followed shortly afterwards with a first wicket partnership worth 70-odd and as the pitch continued to play straight and true and with the crease markings made clear by a new application of silver gaffer tape the Colts were looking good. "Moore" and Mike "Doogie" Howard took the score on before "Doogie" got the best ball of the innings to be bowled through the garden gate. The skipper then Alan Devonshire clotted creamed his way to 25 from only 15 balls to leave us on 119 with 3 overs to go. Steve "Wrecking" Ball and Andrew "Leylandii" Hedges were left with a difficult period with few balls to spare and plenty of back wall to go for but both were well caught and bowled by "Anthony" as they attempted to smash through balls to beat the off-side trap.

"Stumpy" was back in by now and narrowly avoided taking out the Redbourn 'keeper with a two-footed, studs showing challenge in the goal area but "Banjo" was run out for 34 in 16 balls as then was "Moore" with 28 off 15. "Stumpy" took the final over as last man standing and chipped his way to 51 with 19 coming off a strangely tense "Wiley" albeit that he then ran himself out right at the end. As the marching band of the Grenadier guards walked on to play excerpts from show tunes and the crowd tucked in to a Pukka Pie and a cup of hot Bovril, the Colts knew that they had a good total of 161 as they marched to the dressing room. "Bobby Moore" showed true leadership here by having warned "Bonus" Ball after his dismissal "If you don't buck your ideas up I'll pull you off at half time". Without missing a beat Bally replied "Thanks Simon but at the Outlaws all we got was a cup of tea and an orange".

Now it got interesting. "Doogie" took the new jaffa and looked the part in his duck egg blue, Boy George style, Aladdin pantaloon trackie bottoms. In matches past Mike has been known to slip the odd delivery down the leg-side but this evening he was inspired. Quick, on a good length, often swinging away and climbing as they passed the bat, these were deliveries from the James Anderson school of opening the bowling. "Doogie's" analysis came in at 3-0-19-0 which is good darts in anyone's book. He ended with no wickets largely because nobody could lay a bat on him. Redbourn got to 40 without losing a wicket but eventually a delivery from "Banjo" clipped the top of off stump and the Colts were on the board. However Redbourn then put on 31 for the next wicket due to some cunning shots in to space and the inability of Whiteley to be able to pick the ball up and throw it anywhere near the stumps. From a variety of opportunities "Banjo" under-armed, over-armed and generally wombled free but was unable to send the ball in to the same post-code as the stumps. Eventually a "Privet" Hedge direct hit took the next wicket and Redbourn must have felt that the game was nearly up as 73-2 quickly became 94-4. By this stage "Wrecking" Ball was in the game and his delight was obvious as he castled "Wiley" with a quicker one that did the batter all ends up. It's not often you see a wicket celebration that includes wind-milling Mick Channon arms, a double pump fist clench and then an Alan Shearer arm wave as if you've just banged one in to the top corner but Ball knew he'd delivered a killer blow and from then on it was really just a matter of time. By the end of the innings not one Redbourn batter had been able to get to 25 and retire.

"Stumpy" climbed all over a stumping chance off the pacey "Privet" to remove a bespectacled and somewhat bemused "Thompson" who was unaware that he'd been dismissed despite the evidence of bails lying all over the place whilst his feet may as well have been stuck in a bucket of mud for all the attempt that he made to get back in his crease. A somewhat gentle run out finished things off as Redbourn subsided to a Nelsonian 111 all out. The Colts thus became worthy "Double" winners with Redbourn vanquished but providing excellent opposition as they generously shared out the pink plink fizz in the bar afterwards.

Well done to everyone who tugged on a Colts jersey this year and played in position, out of position, over the weather, under the weather and in form or out of form. You know who you all are. Let's do it all again soon.

Final MoM : Despite accusations of a conflict of interest; "Stumpy McGrumpy" for 51 and a decent stumping despite then leaving the cup itself behind and his winner's medal in Hedge's car. You plonker Rodney.

Match report v Park St

2009-12-09T10:11:00.003Z

Sadly there was no match, they failed to turn up, we felt watching Freddy was a fitting alternative to a match report.

Match fees

2009-12-08T09:36:00.000Z

Match report v Bamville 1 Dec

2009-12-02T20:15:00.001Z

History is full of huge wins. England's victory over France on the away goals rule at Agincourt is one such. Joe Pasquale being crowned "King of the Jungle" in 2004 is another and Spurs knocking 9 second half goals against Wigan Unathletic is a third. The Spurs result led to the terrace joke "What time is it ? - It's nearly 10 past Chris Kirkland". Anyway, last night was a huge win for the Colts against Bamville. As giant steps towards something go this was right up there with Neil Armstong popping out of his space module without so much as a "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky ".

Bamville CC play on a pitch cunningly marked out in the middle of a fairway on Harpenden Common golf course. Therefore, it's fair to say that they are not overly concerned with the size of the Choice Cricket "Cowshed of Dreams" as the dimensions are roughly the same as those they play on every other Sunday. With the toss of the golden nugget falling the Bam's way they very quickly asked, nay demanded, that the Colts take first whack with both teams aware of the importance of the fixture. Nerves were highly strung and the tension was so thick that you could have cut a slice and spread it with butter and a generous portion of marmalade as Graeme "Brassica " Sprowson and Mike "Jockey" Howard strapped on their pads to take guard.

The Bam's "Jeremy" (we think that's not a nickname) was quick and straight but the batting was actually calm and collected as the openers picked up in excess of 10 an over without too many alarms. However, Geoff Boycott's old adage that you should always add 2 wickets to your score in Vets indoor cricket was never proved to be more true as "Brassica" sent back "The Laird of Glasgow" for a run out and Steve "Roller" Ball was yorked with his first nut so that 32-0 became 32-2 and a whole new match was unfolding. "Broccoli" Sprowson dropped an anchor that would have held the "Titanic" in place during a hurricane as skipper Simon "Cock" Williams looked to repair the innings with a cautious start. During the Middle Ages the word "cock" was used to describe a self-assured young man (taken after the image of a strutting self-assured rooster) and as a result this nickname was applied to a number of names, including Williams which is where the surname Wilcox comes from. (These match reports are educational too y'know).

The score was up to 79-2 when the Colts received a boost by the introduction of the Bam "mystery spinner". In this context "mystery" is usually used to denote that it is impossible for the batter to detect which way any given delivery will spin. In fact, in this instance it was more the fact that it was impossible to determine which side of the wicket or which bit of the carpet the ball might bounce on if it didn't ping down off the roof in the first place. A telling factor in this match was that Bamville gave away an astonishing 51 extras of which 38 were very wide. The score-sheet ended up looking like an algebra problem where if x = Bamville bowling then y = a shed-load of extras. "Willo the Wisp" retired on 26 even before Sprowson who had grown a beard in the time it took him to retire on 28 in the 9th over but by then the score was up to 109 with 3 overs left. John "Topless" Callender and David "Friction" Byrne then added a sprightly 47 from two delightful cameos with JC notching 16 in 14 balls and "Friction" a gorgeous 24 in just 11 including 2 punched back wall 6's just at the right time. A total of 156 was worth bonus points and the confidence that the Colts knew we had a good score to defend.

For the second dig the nerves returned and it was as fraught as a school prize giving evening out there as fielders pawed the ground and yelps of banal encouragement wafted out from behind the stumps, some of it helpful but most of it mired in cliché. "The Loon from Troon " managed to concede 12 wides in his first over in an effort to even up the extras count and over-throws allowed a rarely seen "9" to feature on the score-card being kept diligently by "The Garden Hedge" up in the crowd. The Bam's were up to 33-0 off 2 overs before the Colts settled down with an easy run out followed by another and then a stumping to reduce the oppo to 58-3 off 5 and some way from home. Another run out saw "Prophylactic" Ball and "Third Degree" Byrne take over with the jaffa and this led to further wickets with "Prophylactic" snaffling a genuine steer to gully like a bulldog stealing a biscuit whilst wearing an expression that suggested he'd just had something inserted into him. With the obdurate "Tony" (16 off 32 balls) building a stone wall around him that even the Emperor Hadrian might have been impressed with time was running out for the final wicket albeit with the game now in the bag. It's difficult to define in indoor cricket terms what a strike-rate of 0.500 is the equivalent to but it's like doing the full 8 minutes 11 seconds of "American Pie" at a karaoke night, or painting Trevor "Forth" Bridger with a toothbrush, or listening to a Billy Connolly monologue at half speed, or catching a First Capital Connect train in the vain f-ing hope that it might actually get you to your destination in the same month as when you left home. Suffice to say that Bamville didn't quite make it to 100 as they closed at 92 all out with Bally getting another bang in front LBW that was so obviously supported by the evidence that Tony Blair would have sent troops to Iraq on the basis of it (a little bit of politics for you there).

The Colts are now 2 matches away from immortality and a place amongst the pantheon of sporting Gods. Surely it can't be too late for Captain "Cock" Williams to get on the panel for the BBC's "Sports Personality of the Year" or for The Colts to be in the race for "Team of the Year" ?

MoM : It's close one, given extras totalled 51, but your scribe goes for David "Third Degree" Byrne for 24 not out and 2-0-13-1.

Match report v Crabtree 26 Nov

2009-11-29T19:33:00.001Z

Like a certain infamous German Dictator , the Colts only have one Ball but what a difference he made in the top-of-the-table clash against the Crabapple Dads at the Choice Cricket Allianz/Emirates Arena just off the M1. Steve "Ping Pong" Ball announced himself in the 6th over of the match by claiming a wicket with his first ball and went on to record the startling figures of 3-0-12-3 in an awesome display of old fashioned off-spin. From a decent start of 53 off 5 overs with a man retired in the hutch the Elmtree Fathers were looking poised and efficient but Ball's introduction was the turning point thanks to an inspired piece of captaincy. It takes a skipper of rare skill, intuition and intelligence to take a game by the scruff of the neck and shape it in his own image but unfortunately Simon Williams was not playing due to work commitments so the Colts made it up as they went along instead.

Ball's first was an LBW so bang to rights as it hit the batsman on the full in front of middle peg that the departing player was lucky not to get 3 years inside as well as the crooked finger of fate from umpire Gary Sanford . The last time that a decision so obvious was correctly made was when that annoying pair of in-bred Irish parakeets were sent packing from the X-Factor (so I'm told - my wife has it on in the background and I glance at it from time to time when I take a break from reading Dickens under my angle-poise reading lamp).

Ball followed this with his next trick in his next over - a three card trick in fact that even Paul Daniels would have approved of. With Hedge providing assistance as the lovely Debbie McGee on the back wall, Ball sent down one loopy off break and then another loopy off break before whipping the quicker one on with the arm and picking off the bails like the Artful Dodger taking a pocket kerchief from an unsuspecting toff in Marylebone High Street (apologies for the Dickens fixation). The lovely Hedge McGee was so impressed that afterwards he confessed to having called out "well bowled" just after the point that "Fezziwig" Ball had released the orange on it's way but before it had even pitched. Now that's magic.

There were others on court of course; Michael the Bruce was hostile with the ball but full of goodwill to all men having accepted a cash offer on castle Howard. There were twice the number of Whiteleys as usual with David "Baht 'at" Whiteley cheered on by his old man in the bleachers plus Graeme "Jumping Frog" Sprowson and Trevor "Golden Gate" Bridger completing a magnificent 6. "Baht 'at " snaffled a direct hit run out and "Cannon" Ball picked up his last wicket with a catch off a side wall to add to the damage as the Willowtree Parents struggled along at only 7 an over having made such a promising start. Two silly run outs when a last wicket stand might have made a difference left the Colts with a target of 90 to take giant leap towards the league title.

"The King of Rock and Roll" Sprowson and "Farmer" Whiteley opened the innings to avoid any tinkering with the usual order of things and runs flowed like cheap white wine down the throat of a saucy secretary at an office Christmas party. Despite efforts by Hedge to make the scorecard look like an Enron balance sheet there were just enough figures in the right columns to show that both openers made it to retirement and a gold watch with 25 not out. "Trevor" Howard and "Celia Johnson" Bridger then met under the clock at Waterloo station as their brief encounter provided the extra few runs to see the Colts home. Bridger in particular was in an excitable mood being dropped first ball and almost run out on numerous occasions during his knock of 3 not out. At one point he screamed "It's too late" to Howard as they stood next to each other in the batting crease considering the possibility of a single before they both then set off for the far end. The Dutch-Elm-Disease Paters were generous in defeat as they relinquished top spot in the division, possibly forever.

MoM : It can only be - Steve "Medicine" Ball. (It's noteworthy that the word "ball" may have some origins from the Latin word "Foll-is" which can be defined as "a thing blown up or inflated". It makes you think.)

Xmas dates availability

2009-11-20T13:37:00.004Z

Final CC v Wee Hamish McDiddy

2009-11-20T12:53:00.004Z

So last night was more like Final CC v Wee Hamish McDiddy rather than The Colts, such was the dominance of the not so wee scotsman. It was very reminiscent of the night two years ago, when Hamish led The Diddymen out of trouble too. We lost the toss and were asked to bowl with Diddy Dave and Wee Hamish opening up. The first over was tight from Diddy and Hamish removed one of their openers with his first ball.

The other opener then also departed run out from a bad call. This unfortunately let in Final’s star player, Tariq, who as usual looked assured stroking the ball around. Our fielding was also mostly on the mark. We hit the stumps 4 times at the keepers end but no decisions were given in our favour. One was a particularly bad decision, made worse as it would have run Tariq out. Three of their batsman reached 25 and with another run out this let Tariq back in at the end. However our bowling good throughout, I don’t think we had a single wide throughout the innings, there were a few no balls though, one being a might harsh for a lifting delivery. So whilst we only took three wickets, we kept them down to 129 for 3, a reasonable, but gettable total.

Hamish and Diddy opened the batting and were moving confidently through the opening overs, with Hamish in particularly fine form hitting the back wall twice with hammered straight drives. Sadly on 24, and hitting the sidewall which would have taken him to retirement, he sent Diddy back and left him stranded. I went in three and Hamish reached his 25 with his next shot. Harry “Hedge” Cott then joined me and couldn’t resist a tempting flighted delivery and was stumped by a mile. Dickie “Murphy” Mint was next in and we started to look comfortable having put on 30, when I tried to run a leg side wide that conveniently came straight off the back wall to the keeper to leave me easily run out. When Sid “Stuart” Short, our stand in keeper for the evening, was bowled almost immediately and then Dickie Mint walked across his stumps and was triggered LBW, it really looked like we had just thrown our chances of the double. We were 77 for 5, but it was only the 8^th over. This is where Wee Hamish turned the game single handed. Dickie Mint called well as the non-striking runner and as each over ticked by we just kept ahead of the required run rate. With less than 10 required and in the 11^th over, Final had one last chance to run out Hamish, but flunked it, when Dickie ran out of puff. However, we only needed 7 off the last over, which were comfortably taken. Hamish ended on 78 not out, an heroic innings.

Hamish was clearly the man of the match. In the end Final got what they deserved for more or less cheating there way to a defendable total.

Match report v Totternhoe Tues 10 Nov

2009-11-11T14:37:00.005Z

For those of you that don't know, Totternhoe is an ancient village to the south of the county of Bedfordshire. It is noted for Totternhoe Knolls which have been a defensive fort for both the Romans and the Normans. Behind the Knolls are a large chalk quarry producing the famous Totternhoe stone and some modern lime kilns. The 13th century local church is dedicated to St. Giles, being the patron saint of cripples (insert your own joke here) due to the large number of people crippled while working in the quarry [Note from skip: plagurism from Wikipedia, will get you nowhere and are you bored now?]

Adding to St. Giles's work in the community were the Colts last night as a very strong all-round line-up inflicted a big defeat thanks to "Serena" Williams [Note from skip: What, I demand a more appropriate pseudonym! Robbie? Robin? Even Venus is better than being compared to second row forward come tennis player], "Prefab" Sprowson, "Braveheart" Howard, "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne, David "Copper Dragon" Whiteley and Steve "The Secret Policeman" Ball. "Prefab" was still protecting an infinite average as the result of not yet having been out and he and Whiteley both made it to 25 before retiring with 51 on the board inside 4 overs. Some of the Totternhoe bowling was quick but erratic (including a huge first ball wide that might have embarrassed even Steve Harmison) whilst the spin options were steady but perhaps lacking in a bit of devil. To be fair to the Totts they were prepared to put their bodies on the line as "Hamish Macbeth" Howard proceeded to smash the ball everywhere. It's not entirely clear how much of the Totts fielding was based on a selfless desire to help the team and how much was the fact that they just couldn't get out of the damn way of the Howard exocets in time but the 100 was put on the board in about 8 overs and the Colts knew they were on to a good thing.

"The Secret Policeman" and "Serena" then allowed the Totts a couple of wickets. Bally struggled to score threes as he was determined to smash the ball through the side walls and was particularly unlucky to be caught off what appeared to be a combination of wall, net, ceiling, fielder and then a one-handed grab by the bowler. Serena scored 9 in 4 balls before also holing out, but this time off the roof net. Sometimes, a bit like a Manchester United fan wearing all the gear on a flight home from a European match and then being diverted to John Lennon airport in Liverpool, you just know that it's not your day. "Prefab" got back in to join "Chinese" on his high wire act and was looking to pick up some cheap runs but one sharp single too many saw him dismissed for 35 and it was to be "Scotch Broth" Howard and "Copper Dragon" who would see out the final 3 overs with 125 currently on the board. Sensible batting saw both players in to the 40's and it was a race to see who would get their 50 first. Howard was hitting hard and straight but ended just short whilst David picked off the side walls and made it to 51 on the last ball. The Colts had made 165 which was probably about 20 less than might have been if it weren't for Totternhoe fielders throwing themselves in front of big shots like paparazzi on the red carpet of a film premiere.

A score of 165 is a good number on any Blue Peter "Totalizer" no matter how many stamps you've peeled off using warm water nor how many milk bottle tops you've stolen from your neighbours and with the bowling at "Venus" Williams's disposal a win was surely on the cards ? "Frankie" Howard was quick and brutal and Whiteley was accurate from the start and the Totts struggled to maintain even 6 an over despite not losing an early wicket. Some terrible calling and poor judgement of a run then prompted a collapse with Whiteley bagging a brace of run outs like a poacher in the woods at midnight and Howard clean bowling the No. 3 before he'd even thought about deciding whether he should consider the feasibility of playing forward or back. It wasn't to be a Byrne's night as his accurate leggers were largely kept at bay but skipper Williams took the last wicket to leave Totternhoe bewitched, bothered and bewildered at 56 all out in the 7^th over with time to still make it back home for a film starting at 9pm and a takeaway from the local curry house.

The Colts will go clear top of the table after this round of matches, as previous leaders Crabtree Dads lost their second game last night, leaving us as the only team with one loss so far. We then have a mouth-watering semi-final of the cup versus Final CC to come next week. As Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards once said to Douglas Bader - "Keep your eyes on the skis".

Delayed MoM v. Flamstead : David "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne - a brilliant debut.

MoM v. Totternhoe : But for an umpiring indiscretion in "The Cage" it might have been Mike "Braveheart" Howard but the award this week goes to David "The Woolpack" Whiteley for his 51 plus 2 catches and a run out.

Report courtesy of the "Prefab".

Match report v Flamstead Tues 3 Nov

2009-11-04T13:47:00.003Z

The best plaid plans of pigs and men can be thrown into total chaos when one of your players contracts swine 'flu 24 hours before your next match. The Hedge was duly obliged to provide a doctor's note to certify that had indeed succumbed to the dreaded porcine lurghi and it was fortunate that Steve "Johnny" Ball wasn't pig-headed enough to refuse a last minute call up to add a further spin option for the match versus Hamstead (make that Flamstead - but in any event certainly not Totternhoe as was originally billed on "The X Factor"). With David "Chinese" Byrne and skipper Simon "Napoleon" Williams both ready to purvey some leg-spin and with Ball adding his off-breaks there was more curl and twirl to the Colts' bowling attack than your average pig's tail. John "Norman" Cowan, David "Twice Nightly" Whiteley and Graeme "Wilbur" Sprowson made up the rest of the team.

Flamstead batted first and made a good start with some experienced openers at the top of the menu including a very smart "double run" after a Cowan overthrow went past the slightly porky wicket-keeper and 10 an over was being just about maintained with no wickets down despite a solid opening spell from Whiteley and some cunning and accurate leg-breaks from Byrne. One Flamstead opener was finally stumped playing an offal shot (sorry) and wandering down the carpet whilst the other finally made it to 25 despite pork scratching around for his last few streaky runs and using up a few extra balls to ensure that his team did not lose a crucial wicket. At this point the innings started to turn in the Colts' favour as Cowan turned on some nifty fielding for a couple of run outs and Sprowson completed a second stumping off a ripping legger from Williams who was making the pigskin turn square. It was a piggish delivery to receive and Flamstead's resolve then rested on the two bats who had made it to 25. They had several overs at the end to make a difference with the total hovering around the 100 mark but Ball found his range to bowl one and Whiteley produced a jaffa to get rid of the other and the Colts were content to turn around (bright eyes - that's one for you Bally) chasing just 110.

Sprowson and Whiteley were the "Piglet & Roo" at the top of the order for the Colts reply and they accelerated away right from the start. Flamstead elected to begin with their fielders in a "Full Court Press" as it's known in the NBA but as "Napoleon" Williams shrewdly observed it's a tactic that loses a bit in effectiveness if you keep bowling slow-medium half volleys that do nothing off the carpet. With a pork chop here and a pork cut there and the odd blow to the back bacon wall the Colts were away to a pig's might flyer as both the openers reached 25 with neither getting to hog the strike. "Johnny" Ball and Williams then got their snouts in to the trough as if it were last orders at feeding time before a trip to the abattoir and there would be no coming piggy-back for Flamstead. "Chinese" Byrne and "Norman" Cowan both made it on to court as Ball contrived to lose his wicket and Williams retired but the match was over with plenty of time to spare. We were even able to rib Redbourn in the bar afterwards.

The Colts remain handily placed at 2nd in the table behind Crabtree Dads but with a pig iron fist hiding in their velvet batting gloves.

Match report Colts v Frogmore Thurs 29 Oct

2009-11-01T19:38:00.000Z

It was half term and the Colts squad was looking as depleted as an audition for "Britain's Got Talent" in Shrewsbury with key players flung across the globe as far as Mauritius and the Highlands of Scotland. Captain Simon William's dicky knee was a little less dicky this week as he declared himself fit although only marginally more mobile than Long John Silver after a night out down at the docks. The rest of the team comprised The Hedge, Sprowson G, Callender J, Smurph (wearing an Everton T-shirt dating back to the early 80's when they last won something) and a genuine colt in the spritely form of Paul Goodwin who was making his debut.

Paul's appearance had to be cunningly disguised in order to pass muster as a 30-something as his energy and athleticism slightly destroyed the plan to declare his age to the umpire as somewhere in the region of a well preserved 40. Even some last minute make-up applied in the car park including a grey wig, some deepening of the wrinkles on his face with an eye-brow pencil (don't ask how we had one to hand) and a Clive Dunn/Corporal Jones mask could not hide the fact that Paul runs half marathons for fun whereas the rest of the team eat half a Marathon (or a Snickers as they now are) as a sugar boost between innings. Still, Paul was a very handy signing as a quality replacement wicket-keeper to allow The Sprout to bowl and block the fire exit on the back wall thus contravening health and safety regulations.

Simon won the toss and elected to let his bowlers loose on a Frogmore batting line-up that resembled a Jamie Oliver cooking programme being big on enthusiasm but sadly lacking in very much quality. The Sprout was thrown the old ball and was somewhat confused by it's appearance looking as it did like half an old apple and half a
coconut macaroon that had seen better days. It was hard to know if it would seam, swing or simply disintegrate on impact. It seems an odd custom these days that we get to warm up with brand new oranges and then get given something that looks like an enlarged spleen for the match itself. The first over from "Brussels" was unmemorable but John Callender then took the first wicket in bizarre fashion before a full-blooded shot had been played in anger. The Froggy opener jabbed at one of JC's "Bruce Forsyth" balls (i.e. a largely inoffensive delivery) but missed it and the ball apologetically kissed the green base of the stumps like a cheerleader
on prom night. Several seconds later the leg bail dropped like a leaf in Autumn and the batsman was declared out while he was getting in to his stance to face the next ball. A run out or two followed shortly afterwards as the Kermits reached 55-4 off 6 overs with nobody able to deal with either Hedge's pace or Simon's demonic leggers. Several overs went by with only a handful of runs scored and the back wall resembled the Berlin Wall as nobody paid it any attention and it might as well have been knocked down for the evening. A final total of 67 all out was never going to be enough.

The Sprout then attempted to add to his chequered history of run out victims by opening up with Smurph but 50 runs were put on the board with ease before the end of the 5th over with Sprout retiring to the cage with 25 and Hedge building a patient innings at No. 3 like a shaven-headed Chris Tavare. A reasonable performance against weak opposition.

Man of the Match : "Dan" the umpire - Cheerful, happy to be there, fun-loving plus he gave Hedge an LBW.

Match report: v Redbourn 22 Oct

2009-10-29T20:05:00.000Z

Like Chamberlain's piece of paper from Berlin, Princess Diana's last letter to the Queen, the Russian linesman's match report from the 1996 World Cup Final and the score-sheet from The Colts v. Redbourn match - some documents are destined never to be found. On this basis, The Colts famous win against their old nemesis will live on in the memories of those that witnessed it whilst the facts and figures evaporate in to history. Tall tales will be told by old men with rheumy eyes in the corner of The Snug in "The Crossed Keys" on a wet Thursday evening - of Steve "Monsters" Ball's final over, of Don "200 Degrees" Fahrenheim's clean striking of an orange and of Trevor "Harbour" Bridger (brother of Sydney) with hands like fly-paper on the bark of an old apple tree.

The Colts had to make wholesale changes for this match with no Whiteley, Spencer, Howard, Hedges, Callender, Murphy or Williams (was there a party on somewhere that we weren't invited to ?) so there were first appearances of the season for Neil "Chuck" Berry, Tony "Hooperman" Hooper and the old hands Fahrenheim and Bridger whilst Ball and Sprowson made up the final six with Williams watching from the stands with a dicky knee. Redbourn won the toss and chose to field perhaps looking at a perceived weakness in The Colts' line-up as Sprowson and Ball opened up in their contrasting styles. This fixture has some history and is notoriously closely fought but The Colts have always been the crocodile to Redbourn's Captain Hook and there was almost a frisson of interest in the crowd as the first ball was bowled by Redbourn's "Wiley" (it's not known if this is his nickname or his proper name but either way he's a cagey opening bowler). Sprowson nudged and nurdled but Ball was becalmed like a Spanish galleon in calm seas and an attempt to hit a "pieces of eight" to the back wall saw him sink without trace without many on the board. Hoops then strode to the wickert but was a class apart from this crude form of the game and he was run out quickly as Sprowson shrewdly managed to protect his average by sending the sporting scientist back to his test tubes. It was Don Fahrenheim who put bat to ball after Sprowson retired on 25 and he connected freely with several hits to the back wall and aided by the "old skool" cunning of Bridger the score was nursed towards 120. With Sprowson back on court it was agreed that anything like 130 might be a good total and helped by the odd leg-side wide in the final over The Colts reached 134-4 - a par score with the new orange ball but defendable if the bowlers could hold their nerve and their line.

The second innings bowling performance was almost flawless. Ball and Hooper were straight, true and miserly. Whilst no wickets fell in these early overs Redbourn were unable to get up to anything like 10 an over and as the pressure grew it was clear that like Freddie Mercury in drag somebody was going to have to try to break free. Eventually a single to Mr. Bridger (aptly positioned near the cell on the side wall) was a desperate attempt to get things moving and the run out was completed at the non-striker's end. Berry and Sprowson then came on and bowled just as straight with hardly a hint of a leg-side wide. Bridger swooped for a sharp catch and another run out as only the Redbourn opener managed to make it to 25 despite having taken a few overs to get there. A very sweaty Sprowson then conceded an 8 to the back wall of the first ball of his final over but responded with two dots as the rest of the over yielded few extra runs and Redbourn were under intense pressure. The Redbourn opener came back in but "Hooperman" bowled a tremendous penultimate over including a fantastic final ball strategic bouncer that almost took off the batsman's nose. Surely 20 runs off the last over would prove to be too much ? Well, it just about was - but don't call me Shirley. It was a great end game of cat-and-mouse as Bally speared in darts to the one class Redbourn bat who was determined to get down the track and hit straight. By the final ball only a magic top "10" hit would result in a draw/tie. A hush went round the 9 people watching in the gallery. Ball let the orange go - was it a shade too slow, a shade too full or just a hazy shade of winter ? The final delivery was hit hard and well but roughly a bat length wide of the "10" target. The Colts had won by 2 runs despite being the underdogs. Church bells peeled across the night sky as men of Harpenden still a-bed held their manhoods cheap that they had not been with us to celebrate that evening.

Men of the Match : "Big" Don and "Big" Trev - a very welcome return.

Colts v Long Marston match report 6 0ct

2009-10-07T10:47:00.004+01:00

A welcome return to winning ways last night. Murph was left stranded at work pricing some german sausage, or that's what it sounded like, so our new recruit Hedge stepped in resplendent in a shirt fast approaching 20 years old.

I lost the toss and we were invited to bat. Dave and Graeme started solidly with Graeme luckily being dropped off a sitter. The use of a new ball and the reinforcement of the cage meant shots were pinging off the walls and returning to fielders rather too quickly to steal singles easily. Dave was the first victim of this, from a well timed cut that went straight back to the keeper, but the opening stand had made over 50. Bally then helped Graeme up to retiring, pushing up the run rate too before he fell to another run out from a well timed shot. John then joined Hedge who was starting to show his pedigree chum narrowly missing a 10. John fell and I joined Hedge and we kept up a reasonable rate until I also fell to another run out neatly bisecting the sidewall back to the bowler. Graeme and Hedge finished off the overs in fine style reaching 159 for 4.

Long Marston lost their first wicket in the first over to an outstanding catch by Graeme from an upish cut returning to the stumps off Dave. John could not quiet return to hero mode and Steve took over determined to stem the flow of runs from last week with a flatter trajectory. Long Marston lost wickets regularly three to run outs by John, Hedge and myself. At this point they were in deep in trouble but there was no recovery as I took the final two wickets, one a great catch by Hedge off his boots via the sidewall from a hard hit drive. They were 63 all out with two overs to spare.

Colts v FinalCC match report

2009-10-01T11:26:00.001+01:00

I am afraid this is another season where we have lost our first game. We lost the toss and they decided to bat and made 143 for 5.

Our fielding was clearly rusty, but whilst we didn’t bowl many wides, there were also far too many 6 balls. I think we most have conceded at least 6x6s, which made up for quite a few dot balls we achieved inbetween. I screwed up clearly on one occasion on the back wall and several others perhaps could have been stopped, but were so close to actually hitting the corner it was difficult to slide behind the ball. John Cal, bowled very well throughout his spell as did Mike and Dave in their last two overs who stopped their total creeping completely out of reach.

Mike and Dave opened and started confidently in the first two overs and we were up with the run rate. Then sadly Dave hit the cage which is normally a certain run, but unusually tha ball rebounded much more than expected and when Mike called “no”, Dave was stranded. Steve joined Mike and again continued to push the score along at the required rate, but sadly didn’t quite follow through with shot that could have gone for 10, but there was a fine running catch taken on the backwall off the fielder’s boots. I joined Mike, who then retired on a quickly made 25, but I didn’t last long, moving across my stumpts too far to expose my leg stump. Trevor also didn’t last long, leaving Mike and John as the last pair, with plenty of work to do. On the positive side, we had always remained up with the run rate, but then Mike was given out to a very rare LBW, which looked out, but was a bit unbalanced as we had had 4 good shouts when the new pink ball kept low. John however then played a blinder hitting an 8 off their best bowler and taking 19 off his last but one over. It went down to the last over, we needed 12 to win, they needed one wicket. The first two balls were dots, so John felt then need for big hit, but didn’t get it straight enough, hitting the sidewall hard but going straight back to the bowler. We were 132 all out, with John making 43, clearly our man of the match. However overall, we really just didn’t do well enough.

Fixtures & availability 09

2009-09-08T11:05:00.003+01:00

Please fill in your availability for fixtures know so far and please check your contact details are correct.

Cup final report

2008-12-11T22:30:00.003Z

After the defeat on Tuesday night, losing in the cup final would have represented our worst year ever and if I am honest, I was not confident. Somehow, we had just been off the pace a little all season.

Well that all changed last night. There was a real cutting edge to the fielding for the first time this season and having won the toss, we really showed what we were made of. The start, however, was anything but sure. One of their openers played a blinder and was back in the hutch on 25 after only 4 overs. This was the point the match started to turn though. They continue to score well and were well past 50 before we took our first wicket. With a weaker 2nd pair in, I took Dave and Steve off (who had bowled a really tight opening couple of overs), to replace them with Neil and I. We removed their second string pair with a short under arm throw from Dave, even though Graeme had wanted us to keep their number three hanging around for a while longer as he was scoring slowly. I then got rid of number 4 with a classic leg break just drawing the batsman forward and Steve snaffling a great catch at slip. This brought their opener back in again with some pressure on the final pair with only 90 on the board. With 4 overs left, Dave then pulled off the best piece of fielding of the night/season picking up off the side wall and throwing down the bowlers end to run out their returning opener with virtually no addition to his total. Their last man only lasted one more over before edging a short lifting leg break to Steve again at slip. So we had bowled out Redbourn for their lowest score of the season, 106.

Our innings started well, particularly Steve who attacked well and move the score along quickly. We were well ahead of the run rate when he was somewhat needlessly run out, but it was a good piece of fielding. Dave was next in and we continued to accumulate well with Graeme nearing 25, he was lucky not to be run out on hitting his retiring run. Russell, our gallant stand-in for the evening, sadly did not have time to show his talent, before being comprehensively run out too. Neil and Dave continued safely allowing Dave to retire having batted well, bring me in with less than 30 to win and plenty of overs. I felt there was no point in prolonging the match and tried to smash a few 8s and 6s to see us home quickly, this was a poor choice and I was smartly caught and bowled off the ceiling having run out Neil only a few balls before. This left Dave and Neil with plenty of time left to knock off the final 20, but we did this rather painfully and it wasn't until the final over that we hit the winning run.

Man of the match goes to Dave for two run outs, in particular the fine direct hit to get rid of their top scorer and an undefeated 30 to see us home.

Thanks to all those involved this season, to keep up the record of winning either the league or cup every season.

Match report v Frogmore

2008-11-27T13:55:00.002Z

The Redbourn winfest sadly seems to continue, so with only two games to go for them, they have to lose both for us to overtake them (assuming the won on Tuesday, and they had notched up over 150 by the time we left). With that in mind, these last few games for us seem somewhat secondary and combined with the general economic mood there is less than really serious competitive spirit.

With the opposition running late, the game was already reduced to 11 overs per side. We lost the toss and were asked to bowl and Mike opened the bowling with Dave. Mike bowled to good first overs beating two of their first three for pace in castling them and they lost a wicket to run out in opening over. We had them under serious pressure at the half way point of 40 odd for 4 after 5 overs. With Mike's tail up, he went for broke but lost some of the earlier control, testing Graeme's keeping, spraying it down the legside and getting the ball to lift to the extent that he conceded a chest high no ball. They lost their 5th wicket with a few overs to go, but there last batsman did well pushing the score up to 107 for 5 at the end of 11th over.

Batting was a bit of procession, there was no real incentive to push the run rate, which we kept just on the right side of with Mike and Graeme opening. I went in three and pushed a few quick singles, but became are only wicket loss to a somewhat dubious run out. Dave and Neil finished things off with more than over to spare.

We will need to bowl more accurately and bat with more purpose I feel if we are to topple Redbourn in the final this year.

Colts 146 for 5, Park St Dads 108 all out

2008-11-14T16:28:00.001Z

There is no point in trying to upstage Graeme’s last strictly come dancing match report, so this will be a more factual straight-bat style report.

Well my expectation were low for the evening as we were playing the bottom side who have lost every game so far this season. We were on a hiding to nothing as a victory was the least that could be expected and total ignominy if we some how even came close to losing. All did not auger well, when there skipper politely asked if we were any good, as this might affect what he would do if he won the toss, which he did. They also asked to borrow Trevor’s son as they only had 5 players. So were inserted, which is what I would have done if we had one the toss anyway. Andy and I opened the batting and my expectation dropped even lower as the first two balls made it nowhere near the matting, along with another two in the first over. A similar pattern emerged over the first few overs interspersed with a few legal deliveries that somehow seem quite hard to hit. As the overs went by, the bowling straightened but our ability to score worsened. Finally somewhat frustrated Andy clipped a nice drive towards the back wall, where Trevor’s son pounced and in Gary Pratt style rather too expertly threw down the bowler’s end stumps to run out Andy. Steven then joyed me but only for a short innings, when I limply drove straight back to the bowler for Steven to be run out backing up. Trevor and JohnCa quickly came and went for little addition to the score, leaving us at 90 odd for 4 off 9 overs. All this time I had scratched around and retired on 25 but quickly had to return to join Tim. The tide started to turn at this point when as usual Tim and I combined to run many quick singles and steal extra runs off their wides. All went well until the last ball of the penultimate over when Tim and I went for another quick single and Tim’s hamstring went. The last over was a real let down after the carnage in the previous two, with Tim succumbing bowled off an inside edge aiming for a 10. However we just got full bonus points finishing on 146 for 5. Compared to Redbourn last week though this was poor, they managed 208 again PSD.

Bowling was going to be a headache, I was counting on Tim to be one of our 4 bowlers, but he really couldn’t walk let alone run. So I turned to Trevor and Andy to work out who was the best to fill in, Trevor volunteered and took the 2nd over after a steady start from JohnCa. Trevor’s start could not have been scripted, being on a hat-trick after his first two deliveries. The first was a superb return catch taken high to his left hand side (from a ball that pitched off the carpet) and the second a fierce drive straight at me at silly mid-on to which I could only react by letting it hit my chest and arm, but I reacted better to the rebound that I snaffled. Trevor’s night just got better when he took another two wickets, a smart stumping from Andy and a possibly even better caught and bowled catching the ball just above the carpet to his left-hand-side. He was a bit generous though when his son came in last man and threw up a few dollies until his last ball when there was some attempt to take a record breaking 5th wicket. At 60 odd for 4 after 6 we thought it was all over, but Trevor’s son stuck around with their opener and they kept the score ticking over. I finally bowled Trevor’s son but their opener went on an all out attack but square rather than straight. He finally succumbed with an over to go to a suicidal single, leaving them 108 all out. An easy win in the end, but it didn’t feel like we played well.

Tottenhoe 131-2 Colts 132-3

2008-11-12T15:19:00.002Z

It was a somewhat depleted Colts VI that warmed up (well stood around) before the league match against Tottenhoe. No "Frank" Spencer, no "Frankie" Howard, no "Richard" Whiteley and no "Charlie" Williams. It was like a night at the Comedy Club but without the comedians. Anarchy was also in the air (there was a suspicion that Tim Murphy had eaten a curry) as different plans were hatched at bewildering speed: bat first, bowl first, Graeme to keep wicket, Andy to keep wicket. The list went on and on like an American election. Dance Captain Graeme called correctly and decided to bowl and the Colts took to the carpet with Andy in the gloves and Johnca & Johnco waiting to perform the foxtrot as the first couple on to the floor. Johnca was in a stunning red, satin off-the-shoulder dress and Johnco was looking forward to getting his newly acquired leg extension in to his delivery stride. Graeme stood at the back net like a kindly, benevolent but less agile Bruce Forsyth. In a certain light (i.e. pitch dark) Tim Murphy looked a bit like Tess Daly.

The Totts started slowly and in truth the first few overs lacked action and a bit of snap in their routines. Johnca was mixing good balls with a few odd wides chucked in here and there like a Rumba but without the rum. Johnco was rusty like an old accordion at the back of the garage but there's many a fine tune played on an old instrument (so they tell me) and the run rate was well below the desired 10 an over. The openers were making a heavy Craig Revel Horwood of it as Johnco finally trapped one dead in front for a plumb lbw and celebrated by chucking the next 4 balls down the American Smooth-side for plenty of wides. The introduction of Murphy and Ball changed the tempo of the innings. Murph is now thought more desirable by his superiors when he is away from his money markets computer console rather than when he is sitting at it clenching a stress ball between his teeth and unlike the markets recently he began straight and true. Bally was as reliable as ever until a sharp direct hit run out brought the genial "Woody" to the crease. "Woody" holds his bat like a frustrated frontier woodsman who hasn't seen a tree for a week and he had decided that Bally was the man to take on. A 6 and an 8 followed before Bally adjusted his range-finder and pinned "Woody" back for the rest of the over. The score was mounting and no more wickets fell as the Totts closed on 131-2 with the Colts leaving a few bonus points to go begging. Bruno Tonioli in the upper gallery thought the target was gettable if the run chase started well.

Graeme & Andy (who had already kept wicket very well) started as if they had been born to tango together since those early days at the Italia Conti Drama College. Runs came easily despite a fair Tottenhoe bowling attack and Andy got us well ahead of the run rate with a brace of 6's. At this point, the Len Goodman fell off. The calling had been good up until now but a mis-judgement left Andy doing a quick-step in mid-pitch whilst Graeme was break-dancing after tripping himself up. A shimmy followed a shake and either batsman could have been dismissed but in a fitting tribute to Armistice Day, Andy (who was on 19) sacrificed himself for the team and allowed Graeme to receive tug assistance and a crane barge in order to get to safety at the striker's end. Bally then came in and whacked it to all parts ending up retired with 28* but Johnca was run out without even getting to sniff the air at the striker's end. He had called for a suicidal quick one that most people thought wasn't even a dot let alone a single and he rather gave the game away that he was struggling when he yelped "Oh no !" as he was barely in to the first 4 bars of the overture let alone the final chorus. Johnca reported that his moment of madness was due to a dislike for being "in the cage" - an argument also trotted out over the years by discontented lions at London Zoo. Johnco was then bowled by a delivery that he reported swung both ways, pitched, yorked and left him all at the same time and it was left for Murph with 10* and Graeme with a cheeky 40* to waltz the Colts in to next week's cha-cha-cha with plenty of time to spare.

Thanks to Graeme for the write up.

Semi-final v Bamville

2008-11-11T09:43:00.002Z

Having squeaked through in the quarter finals off the last ball, we were now in the semi-final against a full strength Bamville, looking to take their first victory against us. I won the toss and decided to bowl.
After Mike’s last indiscretions with the balls, he was clearly determined to make amends as I threw him the ball to open the bowling. He had a very unfettered approach and was just going to go for it without any fear of wides. The method clearly worked and he tore in making the ball climb alarming at times. I took the second over and whilst taking no wickets, after first two overs the score was well below par. By the third over, Bamville were in real trouble, with Mike bowling their opener with great ball that cutback and just clipped the top of the stumps. Neil then completed a run out to take them two down. In the fourth over, I produced an unplayable leg break pitching just outside leg and bouncing to take the shoulder of the bat with Neil taking the catch at gully. With 3 down only 50 on the board after 6 overs Steve and Neil took over the bowling, twirling away and keeping the runs down. The wickets tumbled though in Neil’s last two overs, firstly with a sharp stumping from Graeme, then in the 11th over, a catch to short mid off and the last man fell a couple of balls later trapped lbw, leaving Bamville 97 all out. So Neil had had a hand in all but one wicket to fall, having taken 3 for not many, completed a run out and taken the catch of my bowling. What a performance!
To even things up, poor old Tim had not been given a bowl, so he opened with Graeme. They made an excellent staff, with Tim nurdling the ball to the side walls and Graeme striking it as cleanly as usual. For once Graeme failed nearing 25 when he hit a good but aerial cover driver that was cleanly taken off the wall. Mike had the same unencumbered attitude to his batting, striking his first ball so fiercely that still smacked into the back wall for 6 having hit the leg of the short mid-off fielder. Mike had a couple of other close calls, being dropped at leg slip, but all the time was pushing the score along at a good rate. Both Tim and then Mike retired, leaving Steve and I to knock off the few remaining runs in the 8th over to complete an emphatic victory.

Frumpy Flamstead flop

2008-10-31T17:12:00.003Z

Oh dear what a dull old game this was and very frustrating too.

We won the toss and asked them to bat and after a wide off the first ball, the second was hit hard straight back to John Cal and he had the easiest of jobs in running out the poor chap at the non strikers end who was sent back and had not faced a ball. The second over resulted in a second run out this time a spectacular throw from Graeme hitting the stumps at the bowlers end, fielding a gentle clip down the leg side. This got rid of their only really quality batsman for just 3. From this point on, they took virtually no risks, rarely running and leaving any challenging deliveries. Sadly we missed a catch and perhaps a run out, but they did not give too many chances. They ended up 88 for 4 in the end, with Dave taking a great catch off the side wall from me and then a late run out. Sadly their lack of ambition meant we dropped a bowling bonus point.

Andy and Graeme opened and struggled a little in the first 4 overs, but did not lose any wickets. They then pushed up the run-rate and each retired on 25 within a few balls of each other. Dave was the only wicket lost driving the ball back to the bowler, leaving John C and I to wrap things up in the 7th over.

Grumpy Graeme nearly totters Tottenhoe

2008-10-26T18:33:00.001Z

Well we were somewhat up against it last night, as the time allotted arrived, we were only 5 men and no sign of other team member after some frantic ringing around.

Tottenhoe were raring to go, but due to late start we were reduced to 10 overs each, a decision in the end which I think probably helps us rather than Tottenhoe. At least I won the toss and for once we bowled first and got off to a good start with Dave and I opening the bowling, both of us finding a length and line. In my first and second over there were two smart pieces of fielding leading to two run outs, one a back heal from Murph that dribbled on to the stumps but just hard enough to knock of the bails, who would have guessed he used to be a footballer. The remainder of the Tottenhoe batsman hung around rather like limpits, not showing too much attacking intent. Neil twirled away and got some considerable turn at times, but with only 5 men, the batsmen kept finding the wall that was unguarded. I full team from us would have kept the runs down considerably. Murph took that last two overs and sadly gave a an 8 in the last over leaving them on 112 (off 10 overs), a score I think we all felt was well within us.

Dave and Graeme opened facing a close in field with no one on the back wall, however their repeated attempts to hit the back wall were thwarted with some excellent fielding, often resulting in dot balls. So after 6 overs we were behind the run rate just, instead of comfortably ahead and a growing frustration from Mr Angry himself. The verbal abuse started as a dribble, but then started to extend not just to the opposition, but also to his own side (poor old Dave taking the first salvo). Fortunately, he finally reached 25 and retired and out came Neil with a need to move the score along, as we were still behind the required rate. Neil swung manfully but made little impression before getting out and in a I came with a sum total of 3 runs from two innings so far. I really looked to force the running between the wickets and put the Tottenhoe fielders under pressure, which started to work, but then nearing 25, Dave was brilliantly run out from a smart underarm throw with just one stump to aim at. This left Tim and I to face the last two overs. I then solidly middled two drives one for 4 and the other for 6, Tim also scampered a couple of quick singles, leaving us just 9 off the last over. I went for another quick single which normally would have been comfortable, but a tremendous throw to the bowlers end was a direct hit and I was a gonner. Graeme returned and Tim scampered a couple of 3s, Graeme another 3, but with last ball remaining the scores were tied, but as we had lost more wickets, we had to score at least 1, which with Tim an Graeme gratefully scrambled which finally brought a smile to his face, but the opposition were later to be heard chuntering about the gob-shite behind the stumps.

This was not a bad win considering we only had 5 players and the opposition bowling was some of the best we had faced.

Match report V Crabtree

2008-10-17T12:52:00.002+01:00

First into bat, we lost wickets early with Trevor getting a faint nick to the keeper and Neil firing a sharp return catch to the bowler who clung on to the ball via his elbows! Tim had remained as an interested spectator whilst accumulating uneventfully and was joined by Laurie. Together they moved the score quickly to, statistically, a rather uninspiring 40 odd for 2 although only off 3 overs or so. Tim batted with the back lift of Lara but the touch of a surgeon to find the gaps retiring on 25 and was replaced by Steve Ball who, greeted with a high full toss first ball, only managed to ping it back to a grateful bowler. Every thing was going right for a delighted although somewhat disbelieving Crabtree. Their captain was beginning to froth in the anticipation. For the Colts, a second, and potentially even more, embarrassing defeat was looming. Enter skipper Tim Murphy to stem the tide and after Laurie, having batted well, was unluckily run out (correct me if I’m wrong), Tim S was last to return with the score on a rather worrying 60-4 albeit with 7 overs remaining. A disciplined and prolonged session by Tim^2 engineered the score up to a more respectable 130. Tim M playing his accustomed nurdling strategy laced with a refreshing straight six, and Tim S refraining from the usual trying to leather it until he also received a full toss well above the eye-line and managed to miss it completely. Tim M craftily continued the run gathering and got us to 149 before debatably being run out. Not bad give the earlier proceedings.

Crabtree innings never got going to be fair. After 3 over they had only managed 17, and after a series of run outs their captain was left on his own at 60 for 5. All bowlers bowled tightly – new recruits Steve and Laurie stepping up nicely. Whilst Crabtree managed to stay at the crease until the final over they did suffer the humiliation of being bowled at with all Colts fielders in the slip cordon in a blasé tribute to Crabtree’s likelihood of getting nowhere near our score and a blessed win.

Colts 149 for 3, Redbourn 150 for 2

2008-10-10T15:43:00.002+01:00

What can I say other than we were rubbish, well the bowling was rubbish, I think we easily exceeded are maximum ever for extras. Redbourn knocked off (or should I say we gifted them) the win with 1.5 overs to go and unbelievably one of the earlier overs was a maiden. And with all the turmoil in the financial markets this was a truly depressing evening.

Colts 142 for 3, Long Marston approx 80 all out

2008-10-02T11:52:00.002+01:00

We had a good start to the season with an easy win. Having lost the toss, we were sent into bat and fresh from their success in winning the league for Harpenden 2s, Graeme and Dave set up the foundation of good if not excellent first innings total. The start was a little slow with Graeme becoming somewhat annoyed at the quality of the fielding at backward point which prevented several runs and almost brought and early run out. However, post this minor alarm the pair moved on with little fuss. They each cruised to 25 before retiring, Graeme the first having hogged most of the strike.

With availability this year dropping, we have had to fill our ranks with some new blood and the latest recruit Tony Hooper, joined Dave. He soon started to remember the differences between out and indoor cricket with the Long Marston first change bowling very slow leg breaks the first of which bounced to chest height. Tony soon adjusted though and connected cleanly with several deliveries only to be extremely well fielded. Unfortunately his innings did not last two long as he was well run out after Dave drove hard to extra cover. In came Don, quickly followed by Tim, as Dave retired. Another solid partnership developed, before Don retired having looked very comfortable. As last man in, I joined Tim for a very swift partnership, pushing a 3 of my first ball, then left a legside wide moved out of my crease and as the ball returned off the back wall, was pathetically run out. Graeme returned, Tim completed another 25 for Dave to return for the last over, and was caught off the last ball. Our final total of 142 for 3 seemed a reasonable start.

Dave opened our bowling and almost immediately they tried to push a single to Tony resulting in an easy run out, 0 for 1, not a good start. Tim took the 2nd over and was even more impressive and at the end of the 2nd over they were 7 for 1. Tony took the 4th over and bowled some accurate medium pace with a hit of extra bounce. I took the 5th over and hit the stumps for once, at real rarity, in fact I can remember the last time I bowled someone. They lost three more wickets I think all via run outs, Tony again being responsible for one, via a fine accurate throw from the back wall right over the stumps at the strikers end. From fairly early on it had been clear that they were going to get nowhere near our total and with one man, I felt safe enough to threw the ball to Graeme for the penultimate over. What a fine choice this was, as he finished off the match without the need for the final over.

They were all out for around 80 leaving us winners and maximum bonus points.

Fixtures & availability

2008-09-20T19:15:00.003+01:00

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Vets fixtures 2008

2008-09-19T18:34:00.001+01:00

Please see below this years fixtures, please post a comment, if you spot any obvious challenges with these dates. I will updating the usual availability sheet soon.

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League table 08

2008-09-19T18:00:00.000+01:00

EditGrid Spreadsheet by user/omnisdjw.

Diddy Dave’s desperate Doncaster dash doesn’t disappoint

2007-12-12T11:28:00.000Z

I apologise in advance to those of you too young to remember the rest of this surrealist 70’s nonsense inspired by the long lost cousin of the Diddymen from across the pennines.

We needed just two points from our final game of the season to become clear
winners of the league title. So when Spence pulled out claiming a near-death experience from man-flu and Graeme left a message saying Diddy Dave had deserted us in Doncaster (having missed his train and got the start time wrong), we were potentially 6 points down and needing a clear win to secure the title. So the Diddymen had to be reconstituted from Nottingham (rather than Knottyash) at 1615 from where Ken Dodd had to use his best tickling stick to round up replacements. Fortunately a former close proximity inhabitant of Knottyash (to be referred to every more as Dickie “Murphy” Mint) was available as was the leader of the Diddymen himself, Ken.

So the owner of the Treacle and Jam butty mines, Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece (Neil), kindly gave the evening off to his workers and joined the team: also made up of Sid Short (Andy), Mick The Marmalizer (Graeme), Dickie Murphy Mint (Tim), Wee Hamish McDiddy (Mike Howard) and Ken himself. Ken was not feeling tickled when he proceeded to lose the toss and was asked to bat.

Ken was even less tickled, when Sid fell well Short, misjudging a single, during only the 2nd over and was run out by a mile. When Mick then Marmalized himself, failing for possibly the first time in two seasons, missing a perfectly straight delivery, we were 10 for 2. Ken was relaxed though as we only really needed 70 runs to reach equal points with Redbourn and win the league by a technicality (but we didn’t want to do that)! When Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece was then out too, we were left at 23 for 3 and the title was slipping from our grasp. However the man from north of the border, Wee Hamish McDiddy, stood firm with Ken and put on a stand of over 50, with Wee Hamish retiring for the first time (on 27). Ken soon retired too, to allow Wee Hamish to build a stand with Dickie Murphy Mint. Dickie for once didn’t quite come off missing a turning delivery on 12, letting Ken return with the score on 90 odd for 4. Sadly Ken flailed his tickling stick once to often and was caught off the side wall, leaving Wee Hamish to face the last two overs. But what a couple overs they were to be, adding over 40, hitting the penultimate ball with such ferocity in nearly broke the back netting. Unfortunately, having been warned by Ken that only two runs were required from the last ball to secure our second batting point and become clear winners of the title, Wee Hamish had another pop at their spinner and was caught off the room netting for the 4th time this season, leaving us on 138 all out, not a bad recovery from 23 for 3. Wee Hamish nearly beat our team record with a fine total of 75 not out (I think Spence and Neil have had around or over 75 in the past).

Wee Hamish’s evening was not finished yet, as he opened the bowling and completed a fine first over going for just 3 runs. Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece twirled away and Mick almost Marmalized himself again when he dropped a legside catch and missed a legside stumping(;-). The Bamville openers were feeling the pressure though, as finally they had a mix up and Wee Hamish completed an easy run out at the bowlers end. Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece then took a fine caught and bowled. During this time, their left handed opener still presented a considerable threat, (he is possibly the best batsman we have faced) fortunately he retired on 25 and from that point on Bamville fell further behind the required rate. Following another run out, Mick produced a Marmalizing stumping off Dickie Murphy Mint to remove their next batsman, allowing their danger man to return. However it was all a bit too late and Ken kept the danger man off strike with some useful leg breaks. Wee Hamish then returned for the penultimate over and their left hander really had to cut loose to recover the situation, but Hamish removed his leg bail with a fine delivery. A couple of balls later it was all over, when their final batsman was run out. Bamville were all out 93, leaving the Diddymen victorious, regaining the league title for the 5th time in 7 years. Ken was heard to say "How tickled I am!" and when leaving the stadium could be heard humming a tune:

There was no doubt about last night’s man of the match, it goes to Wee Hamish McDiddy for a fine 75, a run out some fine bowling.

Tues 4 Dec v Crabtree Dads: Match report

2007-12-05T09:18:00.001Z

So to the penultimate game, we needed another win to keep up the chase with Redbourn. From their table position, this looked like a rejuvenated and improved Crabtree Dads. However, we could not have been more wrong, this was a depressingly short demolition job, some of which could only be described as self destruction from Crabtree. So given how poor this was, here is how the game should be played (we would have no problem knocking this lot over too)!

They won the toss and decided to bat which sadly left us with no option even for a bit of batting practice. Dave opened and produced a tidy first over. They produced 13 runs before the last ball that was pushed to Murph at short mid off, who demonstrated he had lost none of his old football skills by side-footing it back to Graeme who completed a close call run out. Crabtree’s positioned worsened immediately with the first ball of the second over, when Mike of the Glen produced a fine delivery bowling their other opener. Mike was on fire last night and produced a fine spell of hostile bowling and only a few rather hurried strokes inducing inside edges avoided further wickets falling. So, against this background of a fine opening spell, Redbourn did not need to compound the problem with some ill-judged running. Dave picked up a fine run out with a good underarm throw, to add to a wicket in his second over when he bowled their number three. This left them on 17 for 4 after 4 overs. The square root of JC squared then bowled a tidy 5th over, when their 5th wicket fell. This was another silly run out, where both batsman ended up at the keepers end. This left JC with the simple task of removing a single bail from the bowler’s stumps. This to our astonishment, from a distance of only a few inches, he managed to miss. I repeat for those that remain incredulous, that John, with the ball safely in his hand, managed to miss a single bail for a distance of 3 inches, clearly he needs reading glasses! Thankfully further embarrassment was saved as there was time for him to repeat his attempt which he managed successfully. The final wicket fell in the 7th over when John had their last batsman LBW. This left Crabtree all out for an embarrassing 33.

Given that Tim or I had not had a bowl, we opened the batting. I nearly went first ball when I got an inside edge on to those ancient Gavaskar pads which ballooned up into the air fortunately just out of reach of their two leg-side fielders. Two balls later and we were underway when I produced my only rear wall strike of the season. Tim played his usual nurdling role, when I gave him any strike, and in the third over it was all over.

I don’t think I can award a man of the match award for such an easy win, it almost felt like we were robbed of our match fee. This now leaves us with one game to play and requiring 1 point to claim the league title.

Tues 27 Nov v Totternhoe: Match report

2007-11-29T10:11:00.000Z

It was a slightly new look side against Totternhoe on Tuesday. It looked a decent side on paper but what would it be like on threadbare carpet the punters wondered ? With regular skipper Simon W. released to parenting duties and Tim Spencer at a mysterious meeting with a man about a dog, a crash on the M1 meant that virtually everyone was late and we wondered if this was to be an omen for the night ahead. Fortunately none of the opposition was named Damien. For the Colts there was no usual captain to toss up, no Timmy Squared plus traffic backed up like a storm drain at a Burger Bar in Billericay. Things didn't improve for one shy, retiring opener who shall remain nameless to protect his identity. Having scored 6 off a first ball long hop, he blocked the second, guided the third past point (if there'd been a point and what was the point anyway ?) before he was cruelly run out off the side wall, backing up and after the ball had flicked off the distal phalanx of the left hand little finger of the bowler on the way through. The empty hall went silent (well, it had been pretty silent from the start) as our man trooped off. It was fair to say that the bat reached the door yards before he did. Name that player........

Anyway, from a poor beginning things looked up faster than a dwarf with a stiff neck doing a reverse-bungee. Dave. W, Neil B. and Andy all notched 25's and only Mike Howard of the Glen will know how he failed to notch his first retired 25 also. By only just over halfway we had 100 on the board with considerable help from the opposition. One doesn't wish to be unkind but there were enough wides to fill the next 3 series of "Celebrity Fat Camp". There were off-side wides, leg-side wides, wide trousers, wide angle lenses and probably several wide receivers if we'd looked hard enough. In fact, we only ended up on 175-2 on the basis that so many deliveries were restricted to wides that nobody could do anything with. Some of them made Harmison's first ball of the 2006 Ashes Down Under look like an unplayable Jaffa (which in a way it was as Justin Langer got nowhere near it). If the Dambusters' radar had functioned in WWII the same way as that of the Tott's bowlers then it might be fair to say that there would be a few more original dams left intact on German rivers these days and the "Tirpitz" would still be upright in a Norwegian fjord.
Confidence was high as we ran back on after the break and Mike of the Glen and Dave from the Dales soon set the standard. With a new-ish ball that felt less like a 6 week old apple left in the bottom of an Ocado delivery bin than usual, it was possible to make the ball kick up off the deck and there was plenty of playing and missing as Totternhoe started nervously. Dave got a wicket courtesy of a good grab by Neil as the ball was whacked straight at him and Dave then bowled the Tott's best player as he cunningly held one back a bit prompting a bottom edge on to the stumps. By this time the score was almost going backwards and there were even calls for Andy to be given a bowl. Murph resisted all this, shrewd captain that he is and the main threat then came from Neil's tweakers. Neil took 2 catches off his own bowling (shame Simon wasn't there to see how it's done) and with 2 simple run outs the job was done with the Tott's all out for 36 and well beaten.

Man of the Match is tricky. Murph shunned the award as unworthy of him or his captaincy. Dave, Mike, Neil and Andy all had good evenings but the MoM goes to the scorer on the balcony for keeping track of the extras in our innings. He may not be Bill Frindall but his counting was solid enough on the day to suggest that he would be a good appointment as Harry Redknapp's tax man (allegedly).

Tues 20 Nov 1900 v Final CC

2007-11-23T08:38:00.000Z

So this was to be a major clash of title contenders, Final CC were second to Redbourn and also disputing their bonus points which would actually have put them top. Both Redbourn and Final had both played two more games than us though. Whatever the points situation, we had to win. We had a strong side out after a little last minute potential dropout that wasn’t.

Anyway on the match report; I won the toss again and invited the opposition to bat. Spence and Haggis Mike opened the bowling and both bowled superbly. What a change a match can make for Mike, who’s bowling was much more like we all know he can bowl. According to Graeme, they should have been 0 for 1 after the first ball, when his impassioned appeal for a stumping was ignored by their caged umpire, who no doubt wasn’t actually watching. Well the first wicket proper did not take long to fall, when one of their openers clipped nicely to square leg only for the ball to come back neatly to Graeme who completed the run out. Graeme then surpassed himself again with a superb caught behind. In addition to losing wickets, they were not scoring runs, so after the opening spell from Tim & Mike of 6 overs, they only 40 odd and this had already included nearly 20 from their best batsman. I then finally removed their remaining opener who had struggled to a grand total of 7, when he clipped a full toss straight back to me. The last three wickets fell to run outs in a bit of a blur, a mix of pressure from good bowling and fielding but also some appalling running. This left them 70 all out, with nearly 3 overs to bowl. Poor Murph didn’t even get a bowl after his heroics last week.

Given Murph’s lack of a bowl, he opened with Graeme and we made good progress towards our low target, Graeme in particular batting well, retiring after only the 4th over. Mike H then joined Murph and got us to within 5 of our target when he went for flat bat tennis shot eyeing up the 10 zone, sadly it just caught the top net and fell gently back to the bowler. Next ball and they were on a hat-trick when Murph wandered across his stumps, as he is wont, but missed and lost his leg stump. This left me to call on Neil to quickly pull on his pads to see us home to victory in the 8th over. The match was all over in 45 minutes, quiet a thrashing given we were expecting a tough game.

Man of the match goes to Graeme for 25 runs, a catch behind, a stumping that nearly was and three assists on the run outs, although both Spence and Mike H bowled very well too.

Tues 13 Nov v Flamstead: Match report

2007-11-14T18:31:00.000Z

I had a feeling that things might not go well last night. It all started with a phone call from Tim M. He claimed his car was in service, but he had also had a few pints at lunch and then more after work. So I was the taxi service (;(

The match started well enough with my winning the toss and I invited Flamstead to bat. Dave opened the bowling and this was a fine first over apart from one wide, which Graeme missed too, adding 7 to the total. John Callender followed and I sure he would admit, he did not have a great night, his radar was definitely turned off. Dave followed up with two fine more overs. However, after 5 overs and a considerable number of extras, Flamstead were off to a roaring start climbing to 60 when their first batsman retired. This was contrasted heavily with their other opener who only scored his first run in the 5th over! After this over, the scoring rate started to drop. Tim M started the 6th over and bowled very well without luck. I then took our first wicket in the 7th over with a poor short delivery that John Callender safely pocketed. The 8th over from Tim M was a revelation and the Flamstead innings fell apart. He bowled their opener who had still only scored 2 after all this time, then immediately bowled their number 4. Sadly he could not conjure up a hat-trick as this ball was a rank long hop. However, two balls later, he yorked their number 5. Three wickets in an over, a record I think for us. To further insult Tim, on the advice of Dave, I removed him from the attack to let him bowl the last over. Next over, I got rid of their number 3 via a fantastic catch from Graeme standing up off a thick inside edge. John Cowan completed the innings by bowling their last man in the penultimate over. This left Tim high and dry and not required for the last over. Flamstead were 96 all out, quite a collapse from 71 for no wicket and no run outs, which must also be a record.

Batting was bit of a procession, particularly as Dave and Graeme started well putting on 50, with Dave retiring just ahead of Graeme. We then had a mini collapse with John Callender pushing tamely to short mid off and I ran out the London Olympics sprint hopeful, John Cowan. I then attempted a pick up off my legs but changed my mind and offered a very gentle catch to the leg side off the side wall. This left us at 60 odd for 3, but Dave and Tim M saw us home safely with three overs to spare.

Another excellent win and full bonus points again. This closes the gap on Redbourn, but they are now played 6 won 5 and still representing a threat. We need to win against Final CC who are currently third next week.

Graeme suggested we should introduce a man of the match award for each game. There were a number of good performances last night: Dave unbeaten on 30 odd and three good overs at low cost, Graeme another unbeaten 25 and a fantastic catch. However, Tim M gets the award for his three wickets in an over and being not out at the finish. He should go out drinking more often!

Tues 30 Oct v Long Marston: Match report

2007-10-31T21:24:00.000Z

The words of that hideous song “Things can only get better” used by New Labour during their first election victory sprung to mind after last week’s loss (and the gut wrenching image of “two jags” Prescott trying to ‘dance’ and the embarrassed face of marmite masher Mandelson who no doubt would have preferred a shirt-lifter like Schubert to Chumba Wumba).

Well what a difference a weekend makes. Clearly after some soul searching, of a depth only equalled by our failed English rugby team following their thrashing by SA, we returned in a much stronger frame of mind. This time I lost the toss and batting- wise we started almost as badly as we did in the Q-final. Graeme and Dave opened and had an excellent first over of 17, including a lovely straight drive for 5 by Dave. However, Dave quickly departed run out to a close call in the second over. Tim S joined Graeme and as usual looked all grace and timing, dancing down the wicket to several of his first few deliveries. Sadly he missed what would have been a leg side wide during one of these sorties, but the keeper didn’t and completed a smart stumping. Enter new boy Mike who started well, but sadly as Graeme approached 25 he hit an uppish drive and was smartly caught off the side wall. I then joined Mike and we had moved the score on only a little before Mike hit what probably would have been six outdoors, but sadly it hit the roof before returning conveniently to the bowler. This left us at 80 odd for 4 with just Tim M and myself and 5 overs remaining. As ever, Tim delivered as only he can, frustrating the bowlers by consistently dabbing the ball into inaccessible places. The number of mid wicket conferences increased as we increased the number of singles, Tim gradually going a deeper shade of red. We approached the 2nd bonus point when I ran Tim out with 4 balls to go and 9 still required for the final bonus point, but this we managed off the last ball. So 140 for 5, a good result from 80 odd for 4, with Tim on 26 and me on 38.

We were still on the upward curve, well most of us, as we came out to bowl. Dave opened and with his first ball caught their opener plumb in front as he walked across his stumps, what a start! Well, new boy Mike soon brought us back to earth mixing unplayable deliveries with mix of wides and no balls (some a tad unfair IMHO), so from 7 for 1 after the first over, they went to 25 for 1. Dave continued to bowl well as did Tim S. They lost their second wicket to a run out but had kept their run rate up at around the asking rate. After a great spell from Dave, I started with immediate results courtesy of a great stumping from Graeme. I then bowled their captain having dropped him shortly before. Graeme then produced a lightening legside stumping, but I can’t remember who off. At this point they were really struggling behind the run rate and 5 wickets down. Tim M finished the game off bowling their final batsman, all out for just 74. I fine victory against last year’s league champions.

Ooo, and dropping that catch looks like it has broken my thumb.

Thurs 25 Oct Q-final: match report

2007-10-28T17:21:00.000Z

Well the trophy that my wife has kindly let me display in our downstair’s loo will have to be returned. This was an abject performance, unworthy of a long report. Winning the toss was to be the only upside of the evening. We bowled well to start and kept the scoring down, but failed to take early wickets. We finally broke through getting rid of one of their openers just shy of 25. We kept them down to under 10 an over until the last three overs when things fell apart, summed up by the last ball of the innings which went for 9 due to overthrows and three actually run singles.

Our running between the wickets ultimately led to our downfall, but Andy fell LBW early on, which was unfortunate as we felt he got his leg outside the line, then new boy Mike Howard strolled in and smashed his first ball for 6 via the top net, but sadly did not last long falling to the first of our run outs. Mike Hughes batted well and retired on 25, leaving Trevor and I to lead a recovery. In three balls we were both gone, me run out, when Trevor hammered a drive back to the bowler. Trevor was then out a caught. This left Mike and John to try and score 60 for the last pair, which was too much. Mike Hughes stuck around until there were 2 overs to go making 50, but we were all out 111.

Tues 16 Oct v Outlaws: match report

2007-10-17T09:39:00.000+01:00

We had another relatively easy win last night against potentially strong opponents in the Outlaws. I won the toss again and asked them to bat. They started very slowly with a great opening over from Dave that went for only 2. John Callender opened with Dave and between the two of them kept the scoring down under 10 an over initially. The opening pair lasted until the 5th over when we finally got rid of Jeremy who was starting to look dangerous, John ran him out with ease in the end after a well timed pull ended up straight back at the bowler. Mike, Trevor and Andy both played their first games, with Mike hobbling around after completing his first half marathon at the weekend (in 1:57, well done). So Mike was not looking forward to running of any form, but when asked to bowl, he did well. We completed another couple of run outs, another easy chance straight back to the bowler (Mike) and a good under arm through from Dave at short mid wicket for the other. All these wickets fell at steady intervals slowing the run rate to well under 10. Dave took a wicket with a good straight delivery achieving another rare LBW in this form of cricket (must be something to do with delivering the ball from such a low height (;-) John cleaned up another with a slower ball and I finished off the innings in the last over with a caught and bowled off the roof of the netting. This left Outlaws on a well below par 113 all out.

Andy and Dave opened and did very well, 19 off the first over was a great start which they continued both retiring on 25, Dave first with the score nearing 50. Mike went in three and kept the score ticking over, before losing his off stump. I scratched around and was joined by Trevor who blocked out a maiden then, somewhat out of frustration I imagine, nicely timed a lofted drive and was brilliantly caught at short mid wicket. This left John and I to try and finish things off, sadly I ran out John with around 20 required. Dave returned and continued his excellent form taking his score up to 36 and we finished the innings off rather cautiously with around 2 overs to go. Another win and full bonus points clearly demonstrated that batting second is better when trying to achieve a maximum.

Thurs 4 Oct v Frogmore: match report

2007-10-05T09:52:00.000+01:00

An easy win last night, against the whipping boys, Frogmore, who finished bottom of the league with just one win last year. On the basis of last night, their batting might mean they stay there again but their bowling shows some hope for them.

I won the toss and inserted. We had an interesting debate on who should keep, with Dave and Tim S initially being too polite as to who minded least taking the gloves. This was resolved in the end by Tim M being decisive and donning the glove and pads for the first time indoors. Dave opened the bowling and started swinging the ball immediately mixing some excellent deliveries that would have had the slips licking their fingers with others causing the umpire to stretch his arms. Tim S took the second over bowling straight and getting some bounce then completed the over with a lovely slower ball which hit their opener plumb in front. There were then several run outs, mostly down to poor calling from the opposition, at least two at the bowlers end that didn’t even require throws to complete the dismissal. John Cowan came and produced two excellent overs aside from one short delivery that as often happens was hit beautifully towards cover but quickly ended up back in the bowler hands to complete an easy run out. Neil and I completed the bowling and as I might have expected, it was a complete reversal of form for me from Tuesday, bowling to a left hander I simply couldn’t get the line right and conceded a horrendous number of wides. However, Neil fortunately finished off their innings with a lovely caught and bowled off the side wall in the 9th over, leaving them 76 all out.

The two Tims opened the innings. Tim M started well working the ball around but Tim S fell early dancing down the track and turning an inswinging good length delivery into a yorker and lost his off stump. Dave went in next and played well again, but their bowling was not as bad as their batting. More than one of their bowlers made good use of the swinging conditions, which accounted for Dave with another rare LBW decision to a ball that just shaped away. Neil went in next and Tim M retired having reaching 25, leaving me hopefully to play out the final 10 runs for victory. However I lasted only two balls missing a straight one going for a duck to complete a wretched evening (;-(. John Cowan then came out and hit some lusty blows square of the wicket, almost hitting one straight back to the keeper, not quite and these were enough to complete the win reaching 77 for 3 after only 7 overs. This gave us full bonus points, which seems odd, given that I think we played much better on Tuesday night and yet only failed to get the last bonus point.

Tues 2 Oct v Redbourn, match report

2007-10-03T09:25:00.000+01:00

So the first game of the new season was a repeat of our last game from last season against Redbourn. I think they had their full strength squad out intending to reap revenge.

They started well by winning the toss and inserting us but that is about as good as it got. Tim S opened with Graeme and got off to a flying start, Tim retiring sometime during the third over with the score already over 50. Dave then joined Graeme and started as though he hadn't learned anything from last year. Well this was Graeme’s view anyway, who only gave him 3 balls before making this judgement and perhaps was feeling a little sore as he was run out for 22 when Dave finally went for his first run. As though to prove a point though, Dave then started angling his bat and finding the side wall and along with John Callender started to build a small partnership. John then fell foul to the first of two rather dubious run outs. I then joined Dave and we put on another 30 before I fell victim to the second dodgy run out decision. Tim M then came in did what he does best, consistently nurdlingly the ball around. Dave retired and Tim S returned and started to time the ball beautifully, sadly one shot was hit so hard Tim M could not get out of the way and the ball cruelly ricocheted off the side wall back to the bowler’s stumps and Tim was run out. Dave rejoined Tim M but fell to yet another run out in the final over. Tim M finished things off with a final individual total of 20 odd. An excellent final score of 170 for 5 (all run out) and full batting points. I also think this is the first game I can remember where we have scored so many and not hit the back wall (I think that is accurate), solid evidence that running singles and hitting the side walls is the most consistent way to build good totals.

Redbourn's openers started solidly, against good bowling from Tim S and John but they fell continuously behind the required run rate and were only 50 after 5 overs before we took our first wicket to yet another run out. With a climbing required rate, we kept chipping away at the wickets with another few run outs and a good stumping from Graeme (in only his second game of any form of cricket since the final last year). They needed 100 off the last 5 overs and more or less gave up, they didn't seem interested in trying to reach 140 that would have go them to another bonus point. They were keener to ensure they did not give their last wicket away to give us full bonus points. The new points system certainly changed behaviours as we had all our fielders around the bat for the last two overs trying in vain to claim the final wicket. They finished on 114 for 5. Final points: 13 to us, 2 to Redbourn, a really good consistent performance from everyone.

Why going outside for a quick cigar is not a good idea!

2007-09-26T08:54:00.000+01:00

Poor old Andy, he certainly looked better last night at our drinks but is still sporting a particularly impressive scar.

The story he told us is that he can’t actually remember what his head hit. He just remembers having a few drinks then feeling like a cigar, so he went outside to his car. That was the last he can recalls until seeing himself in the mirror back in the house covered in blood. A taxi journey to Hemel (as no one was sober to drive) led to 15? or stitches inserted at 3 in the morning!

New bonus point scheme

2007-09-17T12:10:00.000+01:00

1. 10 points for a win, 5 points for a tie (runs scored the same for both sides, with wickets lost the same as well). *If scores are tied, the team losing the least number of wickets will win.

Bonus points are available as follows:

2. 2 bowling point can be gained

a. 1 for 3 wickets
b. 2 two for 6 wickets

3. 2 batting points can be gained

a. 1 for scoring 75 runs
b. 2 for scoring 140 runs

4. If bowling first & opposition scores less than 75 then

a. 2 extra bonus points as they will not be able to gain these when batting.

5. If side bowling first dismisses & opposition less than 140 then

a. 1 extra bonus point as they will not be able to gain these when batting.

6. Bonus points are added to the 10 points a team gains for a win

7. Bonus points only are awarded to the losing team

8. In the event of a “no show” the opposing team will be awarded 14 points, and the team that fails to raise a side will be deducted 14 points.

Thanks for your payment

2007-09-01T13:49:00.000+01:00

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Cup final: Redbourn 137 for 4, Colts 138 for 5

2006-12-15T14:59:00.000Z

So, to the final game of the season and our only chance of silverware to keep up our enviable record of winning a trophy every year. I am pleased to say we managed to keep this up, but as you can see from the scores above, it was only just. Indeed, Graeme felt we had snatched victory from the wide-open jaws of defeat.

We started well by winning the toss and securing the safer option of bowling first. Redbourn’s openers started solidly if not spectacularly against an accurate opening attack of Dave and I. In the fourth over, we managed our first break through, when my team mates managed to confuse the non striker by yelling for me to throw at the bowlers end, I failed to listen and launched the ball to Graeme, who speedily removed the bails at the batsman sauntered into his ground. He was less than pleased! The total slowly built but never at much more than 10 an over, sometimes helped by somewhat over enthusiastic fielding as dashed in helped the ball into the sidewall for an extra over throw. We had numerous close run out appeals that were not given, but given the quantity some had to stick. Mike ran out there number 3 and I followed with another, this time an underarm throw. Mike picked up the last wicket with his flight off-breaks via a successful LBW shout. Tim bowled impressively at the close making sure they did not convert their spare wickets into extra runs. In fact we did not concede a single rear wall strike all innings. So they finished on 137, a total they seemed more than happy with, but we felt was clearly gettable.

I had some challenges trying to decide the batting order, given the talent available. But finally we went with Graeme and Mike opening. The got off to an excellent start taking 17 off the first over, but over the next couple of overs, scoring slowed up a little. Mike was first to go playing a delicate leg glance from somewhere outside off, sadly this only deflected the ball into his stumps. Don went in next and but we starting to slip behind their score. Graeme as usual batted really well and when on 22, smacked a thunderous mid-wicket drive that would have scorched across the turf out side for 4, however, indoor it just went rapidly back to the bowler who completed an easy run-out. Graeme at this point couldn’t quite except that he had played such a good shot and go out and he disappeared off in a strop! Don was then joined by Tim but this partnership did not last long with Tim being cruelly run out, from a very dubious decision. When Don was then well caught, we were 70 for 4 off 7 overs with only Dave and I left. So we were clearly staring down the barrel of defeat. The first ball of the 8th over was to prove a turning point, a juicy slow full toss, that Dave smashed to the back wall for 10, the next 5 balls were all worked into the sidewalls for singles: 25 off the over, but still 40 short of our target. Things then took another dip as Dave clipped airily off his legs and was well caught off the side wall. This left me, last man standing, with over 40 to get. However, we need less than 10 an over and I managed to work the next couple of overs well to take us ever closer to our target. With two overs remaining, we need only 15 and with the final over remaining we need only 4. With a three off the first ball, I happily concluded things with an easy push into the side wall. So, not for the first time, the number 6 had turned good for The Colts, with 47 not out, (not quite as many as Tim M got the last time).

Colts: 129 for 5, Crabtree Dads 115 all out

2006-12-14T11:50:00.000Z

Sadly this game was an irrelevance, as the league had been wrapped up the week before when Long Marston won their final game. Even if we won this last game and finished on level points, the title went to Long Marston as we lost to them in our game. Also Crabtree only had 5 players and picked a useful ringer to give us a game.

However, we were successful in our last game, but made hard work of it. We won the toss and for practice reasons, I decided to bat. Dave and I opened and got off to a slowish start with Dave again struggling to locate the side wall. I faced fours ball scoring 9 and then when Dave did hit the side wall with a firm push to midwicket, somehow it flicked a fielder’s finger off the side and then hit the bowlers stumps, leaving me stranded. Neil then joined Dave and the run rate again was rather slow, before Dave holed out off the side wall. Trevor then joined Neil and the run rate briefly climbed when Neil started to located the back wall. Neil retired and Trevor was joined by John Cowan, but only briefly, when a calling mix up left John stranded at the strikers end with Trevor still in his crease. John Callendar was next in and received a few good overs so the run rate started to slow. Trevor then fell caught leaving Neil to return for the final two overs. These were quite productive, but Neil fell on the last ball going for a second run (somewhat encouraged by me), which would have meant 6 runs, however the rules mean that indoors completed runs don’t count, which I didn’t realise this(;-(. This left the final total on 129 for 5.

Dave opened the bowling and was immediately successful, a straight ball which the opener played all around. I returned to my leg spin and immediately found a good length, hitting Trevor nastily in the teeth with a climbing top spinner, but this bye was the only run conceded in the cover. Dave produced a second good over and they lost another wicket to a suicidal run. My next two overs were good too and they lost another two wickets, to a good stumping from Trevor and a fine catch by Neil at silly mid on. However given our low total, they were still 50 odd after the first 6 overs and still in without a shout. As the overs went by, they kept just in touch and when their 5th wicket fell, this let in their opener who had retired and had looked good. We were down to the final over with 20 required to win: difficult but only two or three shots from victory. However, with three balls to go, we took the final wicket, a fine catch by Dave off the side wall to leave them 115 all out.

Played: Simon, Dave, Neil, John Ca, John Co, Trevor

Colts: 165 for 1, Frogmore: 109 all out

2006-12-06T18:30:00.000Z

The good news is we are back to our winning ways. The bad news is Redbourn have now lost two more games, leaving just ourselves and Long Marston with only two defeats. As we lost to them, they only have to win their last game against Bamville to win the title. Therefore our only chance for silverware this year is in the cup.

We batted very well last night. Graeme opened and again retired on 25 after only 4 overs. Andy struggled for the first time this year and was finally was out for only 7 in the 6th over. After one poor over, Neil and I finally started to motor. I enjoyed a little luck with a couple of run out decisions not being given and we both retired with Neil hitting an 8 and me a 6 with our final strokes. Hugh and Tim then kept the tempo going to allow us to reach a good total of 165 for the loss of just one wicket.

Hugh and I opened the bowling and whilst the first couple of overs were not poor their openers worked the ball around well. I then had a nightmare fourth over at the end of which were 70; well ahead of the run rate. In the 5th over though they did lose two quick wickets, one to a rare family combination of Stumped and Bowled Sprowson (not the first we were told though). By the time Tim and Neil took over the bowling the run rate had dropped a little but they were just up with the required rate. Their opener had now retired, but the replacement quickly departed to a catch and then there was another good run out by Neil. This unfortunately let in the opener again but he did not last long either after another runout. The game was finally wrapped up soon after with, you guessed it, yet another run out. This left Frogmore 109 all out with still three overs to go.

Team: Graeme, Tim M, Neil, Andy, Hugh and Simon

Lost! Colts 114 for 4, Long Marsden 115 for 3

2006-11-28T08:12:00.000Z

Well it was a wet dull Sunday with a performance to match and a few of us had clearly been suffering from a rather too enjoyable Saturday night. So I put our first defeat down to a hangover!

I lost the toss and we were asked to bat. Graeme and Dave got off to a reasonable but not electric start, with Graeme retiring after the 5th over. I came in but we them lost both Dave and Trevor relatively cheaply with catches off the roof. John joined me, but sadly the scoring rate never got going against some slow accurate bowling. John also failed to make a mark as did Tim, but that left just a few balls with Graeme and I returning to take us to a woeful 114. I was never going to be enough.

We had to bowl really tightly and take wickets early to have any chance. Whilst the bowling wasn’t terrible, we only took one wicket early on and they reached 60 odd after only 5 overs. Tim and I took the last 6 overs and when there opener retired, the runs started to dry up, but they only need the odd single and wide to keep them on track. They reached our total in the 11th over.

Colts 180-4 v Totternhoe 119-5

2006-11-24T09:44:00.000Z

The Colts were celebrities and Totternhoe got out of there in a hurry last night in a match that featured some excellent batting from The Colts. Regular captain Simon Williams had been voted off for the evening in a Bushtucker Trial and so the new camp leader for the night was Graeme S. ably supported by Mike H., Hugh S., Dave W., Murph & Spence. The toss was lost and The Colts were sent in to bat first in the cricket equivalent of trying to hit the various private parts of a kangaroo to the back wall whilst trying not to be run out by a witchetty grub.

Graeme (63*) and Mike (18) got their teeth in to matters quickly with 16 taken off the 2nd over and 21 taken off the 4th. 43 off 3 overs was a great start from the opening Ant & Dec. However, by the end of the 5th over the score had settled to 58-2 with Dave W. out caught trying to smack the ball straight as if it was a rogue fruitbat and Mike H. finally missing a good one to have his camp fire knocked over. From this point though the innings got away from Totternhoe as the 6th over went for 20, the 10th for 21 and the final one for a monster 30. Spence (31) batted like a man who had only had beans and rice for a week and was suddenly confronted with a cold buffet whilst Hugh (49*) started quietly but then opened his shoulders to smack several 5's, a 6 and an 8. To have failed to secure the public vote with 180-4 on the board would have been very surprising.

Spence and Murph took the early chores with the ball and the first ball produced a wicket - Spence fizzed down an in-swinger and Graeme moved down the leg-side like a young Jan Leeming to fumble the ball on to the stumps. What made the dismissal even more amusing was that the batsman was unable to work out in exactly what method he had been dismissed. He went in to the cage quietly shaking his head and muttering about 'phoning his agent. The bowling was tight without being exceptional and Mike H. won the immunity vote and the gold star by taking 2 calm wickets and completing a run out at the bowler's end. Hugh bowled some testing twirlers that spun like an outraged funnel-web spider and only Dave struggled a bit with his line and length. Even a last ball 10 by the laconic "Woody" failed to make much of a dent in The Colts' total as Totternhoe closed on 119-5. The Colts retired to the bar for a "Tooheys" or two with Don. F. who had arrived to lead the cheerleading whilst having thankfully left his cheerleader's outfit at home.

Vets league table

2006-11-16T11:33:00.000Z

EditGrid Spreadsheet by user/omnisdjw.

Result: Final CC 122 for 5, Colts 123 for 2: Thurs 9 Nov 2100

2006-11-10T10:20:00.000Z

It was another relatively comfortable win last night, as we passed their score with nearly 3 overs to go. It could have been so much shorter if I hadn’t had a nightmare bowling spell, at least I did one thing right last night in winning the toss for the 5th time out of 6.

We were a little short on bowling last night to the extent that Graeme opened the bowling, but he did well and bowled their opener in the first over. John Cowan opened from the same end and bowled very accurately conceding just 1 run from his first over. Graeme took a 2nd wicket caught and bowled and John completed a smart run out at the bowlers end. So, by the end of the 6th over, they were only 50 for 3 but with their best batsman retired. Mike and I then took over the bowling and my first over was not too bad (only 1 wide), then my 2nd and 3rd overs cost us 20 in extras. However again, another team conspired to lose a wicket on a free hit with a ridiculous run out. On the basis of the 4 no balls so far this season (and two run outs), these seems like a reasonable wicket taking tactic. Mike’s last over was also taken to task with one delivery going for a 10, with their opener just short of 50. This left them rather better positioned than they should have been on 122 for 5.

Graeme and Andy opened and both did well, particularly Andy. For once, the running between the wickets went well. Andy retired on 25 after only 4 overs and Graeme an over later as we reached 80 odd for no wicket after the first 6 overs. This left Don and I to continue, but my nightmare evening continued when I was out with a straight forward catch off the roof for 9, then Mike also fell to a good catch. However we were only 15 short of the target which Don and Andy completed rather easily.

Team: John Cowan, Don Farenheim, Mike Hughes, Graeme Sprowson, Andy Lynes, Simon Williams.

Semi-final result: Totternhoe 85 all out, Colts 86 for 1

2006-11-08T10:17:00.000Z

An rather easy win last night against an underperforming Totternhoe, particularly their batting. I won the toss again, 4 out of 5, and inserted. John Callender opened the bowling and started well taking two wickets, one bowled and one stumped and conceding only 7 off his first two overs. My first over was a bit of disaster with 17 coming off it. They then had a longish, but unproductive partnership, reaching only 40 odd off the first 6 overs. The start of their final collapse started in the 8th over, when Dave took 2 wickets in 2 balls, the first with a low long hop, the 2nd with a good straight low delivery resulting in a plumb LBW. However, this was not a spell that Dave will remember fondly when in his next over when he delivered three low beamers resulting in free hits, but one of which ended up with the batsman doing the only thing he could do to get himself out, namely run out, so oddly the deliveries did not cost us too much. Mike complete the demolition with fine turning delivery bowling their final batsman, with two overs to go: 85 all out.

Our innings was a bit of procession, we didn’t try to run too many singles and they also gave us a fair number of extras, including a sequence of three balls that gave us 14 runs, going no ball, wide (off the first attempt of the free hit), then a 6 off the final fair free hit. Our progress was slow but safe reaching 50 odd after 6 overs, losing no wickets. Finally Graeme reached 25 and retired and shortly after Don was out to steeply bouncing delivery. That left Dave and I to complete the innings with 3 overs to go.

So we are in the final again, well played all.

Played: John Callendar, Don Farenheim, Mike Hughes, Graeme Sprowson, Dave Whitely, Simon Williams.

Result: Colts 116 all out, Outlaws 56 all out

2006-10-20T16:07:00.000+01:00

The score line might suggest an easy win, but having lost the toss for the first time, 116 was a well below par score, due to some excellent bowling from the Outlaws. Our total was also only as high as it was thanks to an excellent 49 from Mike, who was heading for his 50 off the final ball of the innings with an 8 when it was cruelly caught right next to the back wall.

Our innings did not start well, with Don falling early again, this time to a somewhat dubious LBW, putting Dave in. Dave and Andy made steady progress before Dave fell to a good catch somewhat frustratedly thrashing a slow ball straight to their short mid off. Andy was making his usual good progress and retired on 25 after only the 4th over, leaving Neil and I to build a decent partnership. However, neither of us could really get after the bowling, both trying too hard to hit straight, given their undefended back wall. Neil finally succumbed as did I; both caught trying to hit their slower bowling to the back wall. Our inability to hit the back wall, had led to a poor run rate at this point, but this did leave Andy to return with Mike. Given our attempts to hit straight, we had failed to take the sensible approach of hitting the side wall, which finally Mike and Andy tried. Sadly this did not last long before Andy was run out after a mix up. This left Mike with 3 overs to bat on this own but he did this sensibly mixing some fine attacking shots coming down the track with some deft deflections. So we moved from 80 odd for 5 to 116 all out off the last ball of the innings.

Having not done well with bat, we all felt the pressure of defending a low score, which clearly pushed up our level of competitiveness. Dave opened the bowling with a very aggressive and accurate spell (must be something in the genes of small people ;-), dismissing their opener off the 2nd ball of the match and conceding just 1 off the first over. I bowled the 2nd over and again kept the runs down. Their 2nd wicket fell in the 4th over, from a steeply bouncing top spinner with Mike taking a fine catch off the side wall. Dave completed his fine spell with an LBW decision which he richly deserved after several earlier close calls. After the first 6 overs they were really struggling on 33 for 3, leaving a steep target of 83 off the last 6 overs. This quickly went to 33 for 5 in the 7th over when first Don completed an easy run out off a leg glance that neatly returned to him and then Mike bowled their incoming batsman first ball. The over then took a turn for worse with 22 coming off the next three balls. However, this aggression did not last long, when in the next over a firm straight drive to me on the back wall and a fast flat return to Don ran out their final batsman.

A first class performance in the field last night in thrashing the team Gary felt would be our closest rivals, well done all.

Played: Neil Berry, Don Farenheim, Mike Hughes, Andy Lynes, Dave Whitely, Simon Williams

Q-final result: Outlaws 74 all out, Colts 75 for 0

2006-10-20T16:02:00.000+01:00

A very easy win last night, which was a somewhat of a surprise given that the Outlaws had put out a strong squad. The win, this time, was really the product of some excellent fielding particularly from Mr Callendar, whom the opposition accused of drug-taking as this was clearly the only explanation for his remarkable performance.

We won the toss and put the Outlaws in and in the 2nd over they quickly lost a couple of wickets, the first when their opener played on, the second a run out when their number three hit a hard square cut neatly back to Graeme who had little difficulty in removing the bails. They then built a small partnership for the third wicket, but their scoring was very slow, mainly due to a contribution from wides, their scoring shots seemed almost exclusively to be driven hard at John who made several miraculous stops. Graeme also contributed rather well behind the stumps with a lightening fast stumping from a leg side take and then an equally impressive catch down the leg side when the ball bounced back off the side wall. Having bowled far too many wides, I finally contributed by collecting a hard hit drive and running out the facing batsman with swift throw back to Graeme. The final wicket fell with nearly two overs remaining leaving them at 74 all out, a well below par total.

Given the low total, we had the potential to embarrass ourselves but this time we had exactly the sort of steady start we required from Don and Graeme. Graeme reached 25 and with score already on 50, then Dave joined Don to complete the job, leaving Don on 24 and Dave 20. The final dénouement was when we went past their total with a wide.
Let’s hope we can produce the same performance against the Outlaws again next week, well done all.

Team: John Callendar, Don Farenheim, Graeme Sprowson, Tim Murphy, Dave Whitley, Simon Williams.

Result: Redbourn 132 All out, Colts 133 for 4

2006-10-13T09:40:00.000+01:00

We ran out winners again last night, but not before we stared down the barrel of defeat. I won the toss and inserted as normal and threw the ball to debutant Dave Whitely. Whilst not quite as expensive a first over as from JC on Tuesday, it still went for 20. Their openers continued to bat steadily with their skipper nurdling the ball into the cage door or gently into the side wall on a regular basis and somehow we just didn’t manage to pick up the ball cleanly. Some of our attempted earlier run outs were comical, fumbling pick ups, poor throws and Trevor flapping around like a sealion. During this period we really didn’t put any pressure on them, so at 70 odd for no wicket, things were not looking good. Mike finally made a break through with an LBW, which was to be the only bowlers’ wicket in our haul. Gradually their running became more erratic, their scoring rate declined leaving the last man in with score only just past 110, all the others being run out. As on Tuesday we then missed another easy opportunity to close the innings out with another run out, before finally we achieved this was an excellent throw from Mike from the back wall to the strikers stumps. This left Redbourn 132 all out, a much lower figure than looked possible half-way through their overs.

Mike and Don opened and not for the first time, Mr Hughes was in the cage without facing after the first ball of the match, 0 for 1, two balls later Don managed to run himself out, leaving us at 0 for 2. The final ball of the first over led to another very tight run out decision, but Mike (as umpire in the cage) wisely gave us the benefit of the doubt to save us the ignominy of 0 for 3. At this point things did not look good. Slowly we started to rebuild the innings with Neil leading the way taking apart Redbourn’s opener with three 6’s in one over. By the half way point, Neil and Dave had brought us back to just behind the required rate, before Neil retired on a well earned 25. Dave was playing very well, but fell shortly after Trevor’s arrival after a good pull bisected the sidewall and neatly returned the ball to the bowler who ran out Dave as he backed up. So again we had two new batsman, 3 wickets down and some work to do. Sadly for Redbourn their later bowlers could not quite keep up the pressure, Trevor smashed a short ball for 6 and I added two drives one for 6 and another for 8, missing the 10 zone by a whisker. This suddenly had put us well ahead of the required rate. Trevor then retired on 25 but he had only a couple of balls rest before he returned when I then lost my head and charged their off spinner and was stumped. This left Trevor and Neil with 20 odd to win with 3 overs remaining which they easily completed with an over to spare. So a good batting performance by the lower order in the end.

Team: Neil Berry, Trevor Bridger, Don Farenheim, Mike Hughes, Dave Whitely, Simon Williams.

Result: Bamville 141 all out Colts 141 for 3

2006-10-09T08:49:00.000+01:00

A good win but a game that was closer than the score line suggests. We won the toss and as usual chose to bowl. Bamvile have strengthened their squad this year via an Antipodean import who knocked over 20 of John Callendar’s first over and was retired before the end of the 2nd. Thankfully the remainder of the batting was not so strong. We kept this pair quiet for the next few overs which included a maiden, but not no runs as there were a few byes conceded via Mr Lynes’ teflon gloves (even if he got his hands to them! (;-).

There was then a steady fall of wickets, leaving them on 80 odd for 4 meaning the dreaded Aussie returned with plenty of overs remaining. The final pair then started to bat well before Neil produced a fine delivery to have our convict friend caught off the leading edge, leaving them on just over a 100 for 5. We hoped to wrap things up quickly and we missed a good stumping chance when they were only 109. However, Andy missed this (perhaps his luck would change when we batted) and we finally wrapped up the innings at 141 all out in the last over.

Our new boy Hugh opened the innings (the just younger brother of Graham) with Andy and got us off to a solid start somewhat helped by the Aussie who seemed to think he was at the Gabba and tried to bounce us every ball, resulting in 4 no balls and 4 free hits, which sadly Andy only converted to 1 run. Hugh was first to go well run out. Andy then reached what the scoreboard said was 25 and he started to walk for the door, this was then corrected to 24 and he returned only to be run out 2 balls later by a remarkable volley off the side wall, still on 24. It really wasn't his night! I then joined Neil and we put on nearly 50 before, during which time we should have been run out 4 times, before Neil finally failing to make his ground whilst also on 24. Soon after I reached 25, which left Tim and John with 20 odd to score which they duly did with 5 balls to go.

Team: Neil Berry, John Callender, Andy Lynes, Tim Murphy, Hugh Sprowson, Simon Williams.

Win v Crabree Dads

2005-12-16T14:29:00.000Z

Team: Andy, Don, Graeme, Neil, Simon and John Ca

Tuesday night’s final game had a distinct end of term feel about it. As we were already champions, Crabtree were more interested in giving everyone a game than trying to win. Instead of tossing, we agreed to let them bowl. Andy and Don opened and when the first over only had 5 scored off it, any chance of a record score looked slim. However the next few overs saw them pepper the back wall and they soon both retired posting over 25, in the 4th over, against some fairly terrible bowling. The heavy scoring continued with Neil and Graeme going well and then Neil also retired on 25. We finally lost our first wicket with the total already north of 100 with Graeme doing his usual of hitting a fine shot straight back to the bowler off the side wall. I then followed almost immediately for another duck. John Ca and Andy then continued to push the score along well finishing on a useful 182, but we really did have a chance of scoring over 200.

Crabtree were never ever in with a shout, even if their first pair did last the first 4 overs. This was remarkable given the amount of playing and missing and edges just falling out of reach. John Ca picked up the first wicket and a runout followed but somehow Paul Arnerich continued to hang around and he nearly made a quite underserved 25. Their final three wickets all fell courtesy of Neil’s bowling and Graeme’s catching. Given our lacking of bowling, Don had taken the keeper’s gloves and we saw what a brilliant out-fielder Graeme could be. Both his catches deserved catch of the season. They were taken single handed, above his head with both feet off the ground, fielding at the short mid off position. The second was possibly the best given that the ferocity of the drive. Crabtree were all out for 90 odd, leaving us undefeated in the league this season.

Win over Frogmore sees Colts crowned champions again

2005-12-07T08:20:00.000Z

We completed our penultimate game with a win by over 70 runs; our biggest margin of victory this season. This saw us crowned champions again for the third year running, as the nearest team to us in the league has already lost two games.

I lost the toss again and we were inserted. Graeme and I opened and made a solid and fast scoring start, reaching 60 in the 4th over. Graeme in particular pushed the pace at the start hitting two lovely consecutive 6s, before succumbing for 19 to a “not quite Shoaib” slower ball. It is interesting that this was the first time this season that we had played with anything like a new ball, so we were surprised by the steep bounce achieved by a couple of their quicker bowlers, but equally the ball sped faster from the bat.
Neil came in and continued the good work and I retired on 25 quickly followed by Neil. John Co and Trevor then tried to keep up with the rate, but Trevor was then bowled by a rather useful inswinger. John Co demonstrated his “electric “running ability which makes him look like he is running on one of those moving pavements, but sadly with the motion in reverse. So, there was no chance of him making his ground as he hit a useful extra cover drive straight back to the bowler via the wall. This left me to return with nearly three overs to go. John Ca and I were rather cautious initially then we got our running going and finally destroyed their ‘best bowler’ who returned in the final over. This did not start well with an over pitched delivery being smashed back down the pitch for 6. This led to two of their players being put on the back wall, but still the runs came easily and the final over went for 24, leaving us with an excellent total of 161 and me just reaching 50.

In reply Frogmore started reasonably but never looked like keeping up with the run rate. They survived the first three overs but then a direct hit runout saw the wickets start to fall. John Ca bowled the other opener and Graeme added another with a lightening leg side stumping off John Co. After 6 overs, they were struggling at 60 odd for 3. This got worse when I took a wicket with my first ball, a marvellous diving catch at slip by Trevor taking the ball off the netting. Then Graeme quickly atoned for a drop off Neil by taking another a few balls later, leaving Frogmore out of it on 70 odd for 5. The last man then played and missed for two overs and so I, in an attempt to finish the game, for the first time ever, I threw the ball to Trevor. He produced a couple of useful leg spun donkey drops, but we finally completed our win in that over with another run out. Frogmore were all out for 80 odd leaving us Champions again.

Win v Flamstead on Thurs 1 Dec 2100

2005-12-02T14:24:00.000Z

Another comfortable win last night by 2 wickets with nearly 2 overs to spare, chasing a total of only 99, as I again managed to win the spin the phone decision! It was a good bowling performance to restrict Flamstead to only 99.

I open the bowling and following on from the last game got my length and line right. As ever the ball bounced disconcertingly at times, and twice this did for the Flamstead batsman, making three with an excellent stumping by Graeme. Along with a run out, after 8 overs they were in real trouble at 44 for 4. The final pair stuck around with Neil taking the final wicket in the final over, with another good stumping by Graeme.

Our opening pair Graeme and Andy gave us a very solid start, taking us to nearly 50 before Graeme retired posting an excellent 26. Andy was then joined by Neil who rather quickly ran out Andy in sight of his 25. Only a couple of overs later I departed to another runout and then almost immediately, Neil was bowled. It was almost déjà vu from last match. However were with 30 of their total and Tim and John Ca, steadily knocked of the runs without any further alarms.

Win v Tottenhoe Thurs 24 November 2000

2005-11-11T08:52:00.000Z

Team: Graeme, John Ca, Andy, Kevin, Tim S and Simon

We all but crushed the only other unbeaten team with a team of 5 and a half players, given that Kevin could hardly breath due to a cold. That was aside from from three deliveries in our innings when we all too nearly came off the rails.

For the first time in 4 games I won the toss and decided to bowl. Also for the first time this season, we produced a quality bowling performance. John Ca and I opened the bowling and in the first over they were 4 for 1 and by the end of the 6th they were only 40 odd for 3. On a cold night the were heaters on and this aided John’s rather useful inswingers and also for the first time this season, I managed to bowl consistently. Kevin and Tim then kept things tight, with Tim taking the 4th wicket courtesy of a fantastic stumping from Graeme. We took the 5th wicket with two overs still to go via a runout, but we could not quite finish them off, leaving them at a rather poor 92 for 5.

Tottenhoe were not level top for nothing and bowling is their main strength. However, Tim and Andy got us off to a fantastic start with 50 off the first four overs. Then Andy was fantastically runout at the bowlers end backing up just too far. Graeme came in and carried on the good work. However, the start of the 6th over very nearly saw us fall apart. Tim had just retired having reached 25, when first Graeme fell runout. He hit a fine drive to extra cover that would have been four ourdoors but indoors he ended up neatly hitting it straight back to the bowlers stumps via the side wall. I then faced my first delivery and according to my team mates received a rather useful inswinging yorker that I missed! Enter Kevin who also managed to miss his first ball and was bowled. So that left us tottering at 64 for 4, having lost 3 in 3 for no runs. However, John Ca batted very calmly given all the balls remaining along with Tim to see us home without any further problems.

Thurs 17 November 2100 v Final CC

2005-11-11T08:50:00.000Z

Team: John Co, Don, Trevor, Tim M, Mike and Simon

Win v Long Marsden Thurs 10 November 2100

2005-11-10T20:30:00.000Z

Team: Neil, Trevor, Simon, Mike, Tim S, Don

Excellent win last night to avenge our defeat to Long Marsden in the Cup, although they pushed us all the way. I lost the toss again and we were inserted. Mike and Tim S opened up and had good start getting to 25 off the first two overs, but then Mike tried an inelegant stroke a rather wide delivery and was stumped. Enter Don who with Tim really pushed the score along with some tremendous drives and pulls to the far wall. This took us to 60 odd after 4 overs, when Tim retired. Enter Neil who was in fine form again and we pushed the score on further still getting to 80 after first 6 overs, so we were looking for a big total. Unfortunately we then had one of typical collapses, with Don out on 19 having looked good, then I followed an over later caught off the roof, then Trevor, in his first game of the season, went first ball going for a single to which Neil never quite reacted. So we now 90 for 4 and Tim returned to join Neil. We then saw a great stand pushing the score to 140 when Neil perished, leaving Tim to see out the final over, however, another run out saw the innings draw to a close with 4 balls to spare on 147. Not bad, but we should have made 160+.

Mike and I opened up and for the first time this season our bowling started to look reasonable. With a target of over 12 an over, then score after the first two overs was less than 12 and Tim held a great catch off the roof to remove one of the openers to put them under pressure from the start. By the end of the first 6 overs, they had one other openers retired on 25, but they were only 50 odd, with the required run rate up to 15. We was some excellent cricket from both sides as they kept close to the run rate with some fine batting but against some accurate bowling and some fine stops from straight drives down the pitch. However the tough run rate just became too much and the wickets fell through run outs and catches. As they ran to the final over, their opener had returned and they needed an almost impossible 33 off the last over, which Tim drew quickly to a close by working their opener, leaving them finally on 114 all out.

Win v Outlaws Thurs 3 November 2100

2005-11-01T13:06:00.000Z

Team: Kevin, John Co, John Ca, Graeme, Simon, Tim S

We had another good win last night against the Outlaws, even with an under 35 in their team. We lost the toss and were inserted. Tim S and I opened and quickly the red mist descended. Tim charged their off-spinner (one of his HCC first team mates) 2nd ball and departed stumped. I then ran out Graeme all within the first over. However, Kevin and I then started to right the ship, with both us reaching 25. The two Johns then pushed on gradually until an outstanding catch off a smashed drive, low and to the right of silly mid off, removed Mr Cowan. John Ca and I then took the score up to over 100 when John reached 25 too. We had a bit of collapse over the last three overs and were finally all out in with one ball to go at 136.

Outlaws had a reasonable start as again our bowling failed to inspire. Tim bowled a tight first over before succumbing to a couple of wides, then I followed with a much less accurate over. With things not looking good, the one constant aspect of our performance this season, namely our fielding, saved us again. I removed their first opener with a direct hit under-arm throw, which was quickly followed by another from John Ca. Another run out kept the pressure on them and started to push down their scoring rate, particularly after their 2nd opener retired on 25. John Co got our first bowling wicket late on, but they were still in the hunt with two wickets remaining. They only required 40 off the last three overs, but then Graeme performed a smart stumping to get rid of their slowest scoring batsman to bring back their opener (not what the doctor ordered). Kevin was now feeling the pressure and duly delivered with a couple of wides, but again our fielding came good with two smart run outs to finish the game off with an over to spare with Outlaws 20 odd short.

Win v Redbourn Thurs 20 October 2000

2005-10-21T21:15:00.000+01:00

Team: John Call, Don, Andy, Mike, Graeme and Simon

We had a comfortable win against the old rivals last night that was far easier than I was expecting, given my original availability problems. We won the toss and thinking we were a little short of bowling I decided to let them set us a total. We had new boy Graeme in the team last night (HCC first team keeper), so I initially threw him the gloves and between Andy and Don let them volunteer for the other three overs. However, having seen Don's first few practice deliveries, I quickly asked Graeme to show me what he could do: one delivery was enough to offer the gloves to Don.

However, whilst we had an excellent steady start with John and Graeme opening the bowling, it was our fielding that cut Redbourn off at the knees. We ran out there first 4 batsman, 3 of these with direct hits (Andy, Graeme and Simon), leaving them at 39 for 4 after 4 overs. From this point the final pair dared only run 3 singles in the last 6 overs, duing which time Mike and I gifted them more runs in wides than they scored off the bat. Mike finally cleared up the tail with two wickets bowling them out for 98 of the penultimate delivery.

Graeme and Andy opened the innings and started rather slowly and, like Redbourn, seemed somewhat afraid of running between the wickets. Graeme, who was clearly trying to dredge his memory for what he could remember of the indoor game, struck the ball rather too well scoring of nearly all deliveries but the ball reached the fielders too quickly. So after the third over when Andy perished trying to run only our 2nd single, we had only 11 on the board. However, from the 5th over Don rather hogged the strike and within three overs was back in the pen retired on 27. Graeme and I then pushed on with Graeme unfurling two great shots for 8 and 6 to retire on 26. I was out trying to force a 6 to win the game and left Mike and John to complete the game at the beginning of the 11th over.

Win - Tues 18 October 2100 v Bamville

2005-10-19T09:00:00.000+01:00

Team: John Cwn, Neil, Tim S, Kevin, Andy & myself

We finally got our season back on the right track last night with an easy win over Bamville. It was a first class batting performance (for the majority) but our bowling again had room for improvement.

We lost the toss and were asked to bat. Andy and Tim opened and set off at a tremendous pace with 21 coming off the first over and 19 off the second. By the fourth over Tim had already retired, followed quickly by Andy. We then had a minor wobble in mid order as first I was run our first ball, neatly dissecting the on-side wall and presenting the ball straight back to the bowlers stumps. Neil then played on for 9. There was then another quick tempo partnership between Kevin and John Cwn both of whom made 25. Tim and Andy return and carried on where they left off and I think for the first time we had a situation where Andy had to retire for the second time having made another 25, totalling a chanceless 50. Kevin returned for the last over and was in inches of scoring an 8, when he was pouched one handed against the back wall by a fantastic diving catch. Our final total of 189 for 3 was I believe our second highest to date.

Bamville, whilst batting well, were never really in the hunt and we were perhaps a little too relaxed. However wickets fell regularly for them, with several good run outs and one good catch at gully from Kevin off Neil (having dropped one earlier in the same position). We finally bowled them out in the last over of their innings for around 140 to complete the win.

Lost!: Tues 11 October 2000 v Long M: Libera me, Domine, de morte aeterna

2005-10-12T07:48:00.000+01:00

Deliver me, O Lord, from eternal death......................

Team: Tim S, John Cwn John Cal, And, Kevin and Simon

Well, I thought a requiem mass (Faure's if you are interested) would be an appropriate response to our game last night. We lost in the first round of the cup to Long Marsden, a newcomer to the league.

They score 136 for 3 to which we must have contributed 50 in extras with some very 'first-game-of-the-season' bowling. We then started poorly losing Andy early on but Tim S started striking the ball well partnered by me and we took the score up to 80 odd and were back on target. Tim then retired on 25. Then we lost three quick wickets all going for big hits down the ground. That left Tim and I again to try and complete the job which we were still on target to do. However we pushed too hard and I was run out, leaving Tim on his own. We got to 120 with 2 overs still to go and it still looked on. Then Tim sadly played on, to put an end to our sorry performance.