Diddy Dave’s desperate Doncaster dash doesn’t disappoint

I apologise in advance to those of you too young to remember the rest of this surrealist 70’s nonsense inspired by the long lost cousin of the Diddymen from across the pennines.

We needed just two points from our final game of the season to become clear
winners of the league title. So when Spence pulled out claiming a near-death experience from man-flu and Graeme left a message saying Diddy Dave had deserted us in Doncaster (having missed his train and got the start time wrong), we were potentially 6 points down and needing a clear win to secure the title. So the Diddymen had to be reconstituted from Nottingham (rather than Knottyash) at 1615 from where Ken Dodd had to use his best tickling stick to round up replacements. Fortunately a former close proximity inhabitant of Knottyash (to be referred to every more as Dickie “Murphy” Mint) was available as was the leader of the Diddymen himself, Ken.

So the owner of the Treacle and Jam butty mines, Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece (Neil), kindly gave the evening off to his workers and joined the team: also made up of Sid Short (Andy), Mick The Marmalizer (Graeme), Dickie Murphy Mint (Tim), Wee Hamish McDiddy (Mike Howard) and Ken himself. Ken was not feeling tickled when he proceeded to lose the toss and was asked to bat.

Ken was even less tickled, when Sid fell well Short, misjudging a single, during only the 2nd over and was run out by a mile. When Mick then Marmalized himself, failing for possibly the first time in two seasons, missing a perfectly straight delivery, we were 10 for 2. Ken was relaxed though as we only really needed 70 runs to reach equal points with Redbourn and win the league by a technicality (but we didn’t want to do that)! When Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece was then out too, we were left at 23 for 3 and the title was slipping from our grasp. However the man from north of the border, Wee Hamish McDiddy, stood firm with Ken and put on a stand of over 50, with Wee Hamish retiring for the first time (on 27). Ken soon retired too, to allow Wee Hamish to build a stand with Dickie Murphy Mint. Dickie for once didn’t quite come off missing a turning delivery on 12, letting Ken return with the score on 90 odd for 4. Sadly Ken flailed his tickling stick once to often and was caught off the side wall, leaving Wee Hamish to face the last two overs. But what a couple overs they were to be, adding over 40, hitting the penultimate ball with such ferocity in nearly broke the back netting. Unfortunately, having been warned by Ken that only two runs were required from the last ball to secure our second batting point and become clear winners of the title, Wee Hamish had another pop at their spinner and was caught off the room netting for the 4th time this season, leaving us on 138 all out, not a bad recovery from 23 for 3. Wee Hamish nearly beat our team record with a fine total of 75 not out (I think Spence and Neil have had around or over 75 in the past).

Wee Hamish’s evening was not finished yet, as he opened the bowling and completed a fine first over going for just 3 runs. Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece twirled away and Mick almost Marmalized himself again when he dropped a legside catch and missed a legside stumping(;-). The Bamville openers were feeling the pressure though, as finally they had a mix up and Wee Hamish completed an easy run out at the bowlers end. Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece then took a fine caught and bowled. During this time, their left handed opener still presented a considerable threat, (he is possibly the best batsman we have faced) fortunately he retired on 25 and from that point on Bamville fell further behind the required rate. Following another run out, Mick produced a Marmalizing stumping off Dickie Murphy Mint to remove their next batsman, allowing their danger man to return. However it was all a bit too late and Ken kept the danger man off strike with some useful leg breaks. Wee Hamish then returned for the penultimate over and their left hander really had to cut loose to recover the situation, but Hamish removed his leg bail with a fine delivery. A couple of balls later it was all over, when their final batsman was run out. Bamville were all out 93, leaving the Diddymen victorious, regaining the league title for the 5th time in 7 years. Ken was heard to say "How tickled I am!" and when leaving the stadium could be heard humming a tune:

There was no doubt about last night’s man of the match, it goes to Wee Hamish McDiddy for a fine 75, a run out some fine bowling.

Tues 4 Dec v Crabtree Dads: Match report

So to the penultimate game, we needed another win to keep up the chase with Redbourn. From their table position, this looked like a rejuvenated and improved Crabtree Dads. However, we could not have been more wrong, this was a depressingly short demolition job, some of which could only be described as self destruction from Crabtree. So given how poor this was, here is how the game should be played (we would have no problem knocking this lot over too)!



They won the toss and decided to bat which sadly left us with no option even for a bit of batting practice. Dave opened and produced a tidy first over. They produced 13 runs before the last ball that was pushed to Murph at short mid off, who demonstrated he had lost none of his old football skills by side-footing it back to Graeme who completed a close call run out. Crabtree’s positioned worsened immediately with the first ball of the second over, when Mike of the Glen produced a fine delivery bowling their other opener. Mike was on fire last night and produced a fine spell of hostile bowling and only a few rather hurried strokes inducing inside edges avoided further wickets falling. So, against this background of a fine opening spell, Redbourn did not need to compound the problem with some ill-judged running. Dave picked up a fine run out with a good underarm throw, to add to a wicket in his second over when he bowled their number three. This left them on 17 for 4 after 4 overs. The square root of JC squared then bowled a tidy 5th over, when their 5th wicket fell. This was another silly run out, where both batsman ended up at the keepers end. This left JC with the simple task of removing a single bail from the bowler’s stumps. This to our astonishment, from a distance of only a few inches, he managed to miss. I repeat for those that remain incredulous, that John, with the ball safely in his hand, managed to miss a single bail for a distance of 3 inches, clearly he needs reading glasses! Thankfully further embarrassment was saved as there was time for him to repeat his attempt which he managed successfully. The final wicket fell in the 7th over when John had their last batsman LBW. This left Crabtree all out for an embarrassing 33.

Given that Tim or I had not had a bowl, we opened the batting. I nearly went first ball when I got an inside edge on to those ancient Gavaskar pads which ballooned up into the air fortunately just out of reach of their two leg-side fielders. Two balls later and we were underway when I produced my only rear wall strike of the season. Tim played his usual nurdling role, when I gave him any strike, and in the third over it was all over.

I don’t think I can award a man of the match award for such an easy win, it almost felt like we were robbed of our match fee. This now leaves us with one game to play and requiring 1 point to claim the league title.

Tues 27 Nov v Totternhoe: Match report

It was a slightly new look side against Totternhoe on Tuesday. It looked a decent side on paper but what would it be like on threadbare carpet the punters wondered ? With regular skipper Simon W. released to parenting duties and Tim Spencer at a mysterious meeting with a man about a dog, a crash on the M1 meant that virtually everyone was late and we wondered if this was to be an omen for the night ahead. Fortunately none of the opposition was named Damien. For the Colts there was no usual captain to toss up, no Timmy Squared plus traffic backed up like a storm drain at a Burger Bar in Billericay. Things didn't improve for one shy, retiring opener who shall remain nameless to protect his identity. Having scored 6 off a first ball long hop, he blocked the second, guided the third past point (if there'd been a point and what was the point anyway ?) before he was cruelly run out off the side wall, backing up and after the ball had flicked off the distal phalanx of the left hand little finger of the bowler on the way through. The empty hall went silent (well, it had been pretty silent from the start) as our man trooped off. It was fair to say that the bat reached the door yards before he did. Name that player........

Anyway, from a poor beginning things looked up faster than a dwarf with a stiff neck doing a reverse-bungee. Dave. W, Neil B. and Andy all notched 25's and only Mike Howard of the Glen will know how he failed to notch his first retired 25 also. By only just over halfway we had 100 on the board with considerable help from the opposition. One doesn't wish to be unkind but there were enough wides to fill the next 3 series of "Celebrity Fat Camp". There were off-side wides, leg-side wides, wide trousers, wide angle lenses and probably several wide receivers if we'd looked hard enough. In fact, we only ended up on 175-2 on the basis that so many deliveries were restricted to wides that nobody could do anything with. Some of them made Harmison's first ball of the 2006 Ashes Down Under look like an unplayable Jaffa (which in a way it was as Justin Langer got nowhere near it). If the Dambusters' radar had functioned in WWII the same way as that of the Tott's bowlers then it might be fair to say that there would be a few more original dams left intact on German rivers these days and the "Tirpitz" would still be upright in a Norwegian fjord.
Confidence was high as we ran back on after the break and Mike of the Glen and Dave from the Dales soon set the standard. With a new-ish ball that felt less like a 6 week old apple left in the bottom of an Ocado delivery bin than usual, it was possible to make the ball kick up off the deck and there was plenty of playing and missing as Totternhoe started nervously. Dave got a wicket courtesy of a good grab by Neil as the ball was whacked straight at him and Dave then bowled the Tott's best player as he cunningly held one back a bit prompting a bottom edge on to the stumps. By this time the score was almost going backwards and there were even calls for Andy to be given a bowl. Murph resisted all this, shrewd captain that he is and the main threat then came from Neil's tweakers. Neil took 2 catches off his own bowling (shame Simon wasn't there to see how it's done) and with 2 simple run outs the job was done with the Tott's all out for 36 and well beaten.

Man of the Match is tricky. Murph shunned the award as unworthy of him or his captaincy. Dave, Mike, Neil and Andy all had good evenings but the MoM goes to the scorer on the balcony for keeping track of the extras in our innings. He may not be Bill Frindall but his counting was solid enough on the day to suggest that he would be a good appointment as Harry Redknapp's tax man (allegedly).

Tues 20 Nov 1900 v Final CC

So this was to be a major clash of title contenders, Final CC were second to Redbourn and also disputing their bonus points which would actually have put them top. Both Redbourn and Final had both played two more games than us though. Whatever the points situation, we had to win. We had a strong side out after a little last minute potential dropout that wasn’t.

Anyway on the match report; I won the toss again and invited the opposition to bat. Spence and Haggis Mike opened the bowling and both bowled superbly. What a change a match can make for Mike, who’s bowling was much more like we all know he can bowl. According to Graeme, they should have been 0 for 1 after the first ball, when his impassioned appeal for a stumping was ignored by their caged umpire, who no doubt wasn’t actually watching. Well the first wicket proper did not take long to fall, when one of their openers clipped nicely to square leg only for the ball to come back neatly to Graeme who completed the run out. Graeme then surpassed himself again with a superb caught behind. In addition to losing wickets, they were not scoring runs, so after the opening spell from Tim & Mike of 6 overs, they only 40 odd and this had already included nearly 20 from their best batsman. I then finally removed their remaining opener who had struggled to a grand total of 7, when he clipped a full toss straight back to me. The last three wickets fell to run outs in a bit of a blur, a mix of pressure from good bowling and fielding but also some appalling running. This left them 70 all out, with nearly 3 overs to bowl. Poor Murph didn’t even get a bowl after his heroics last week.

Given Murph’s lack of a bowl, he opened with Graeme and we made good progress towards our low target, Graeme in particular batting well, retiring after only the 4th over. Mike H then joined Murph and got us to within 5 of our target when he went for flat bat tennis shot eyeing up the 10 zone, sadly it just caught the top net and fell gently back to the bowler. Next ball and they were on a hat-trick when Murph wandered across his stumps, as he is wont, but missed and lost his leg stump. This left me to call on Neil to quickly pull on his pads to see us home to victory in the 8th over. The match was all over in 45 minutes, quiet a thrashing given we were expecting a tough game.

Man of the match goes to Graeme for 25 runs, a catch behind, a stumping that nearly was and three assists on the run outs, although both Spence and Mike H bowled very well too.

Tues 13 Nov v Flamstead: Match report

I had a feeling that things might not go well last night. It all started with a phone call from Tim M. He claimed his car was in service, but he had also had a few pints at lunch and then more after work. So I was the taxi service (;(

The match started well enough with my winning the toss and I invited Flamstead to bat. Dave opened the bowling and this was a fine first over apart from one wide, which Graeme missed too, adding 7 to the total. John Callender followed and I sure he would admit, he did not have a great night, his radar was definitely turned off. Dave followed up with two fine more overs. However, after 5 overs and a considerable number of extras, Flamstead were off to a roaring start climbing to 60 when their first batsman retired. This was contrasted heavily with their other opener who only scored his first run in the 5th over! After this over, the scoring rate started to drop. Tim M started the 6th over and bowled very well without luck. I then took our first wicket in the 7th over with a poor short delivery that John Callender safely pocketed. The 8th over from Tim M was a revelation and the Flamstead innings fell apart. He bowled their opener who had still only scored 2 after all this time, then immediately bowled their number 4. Sadly he could not conjure up a hat-trick as this ball was a rank long hop. However, two balls later, he yorked their number 5. Three wickets in an over, a record I think for us. To further insult Tim, on the advice of Dave, I removed him from the attack to let him bowl the last over. Next over, I got rid of their number 3 via a fantastic catch from Graeme standing up off a thick inside edge. John Cowan completed the innings by bowling their last man in the penultimate over. This left Tim high and dry and not required for the last over. Flamstead were 96 all out, quite a collapse from 71 for no wicket and no run outs, which must also be a record.

Batting was bit of a procession, particularly as Dave and Graeme started well putting on 50, with Dave retiring just ahead of Graeme. We then had a mini collapse with John Callender pushing tamely to short mid off and I ran out the London Olympics sprint hopeful, John Cowan. I then attempted a pick up off my legs but changed my mind and offered a very gentle catch to the leg side off the side wall. This left us at 60 odd for 3, but Dave and Tim M saw us home safely with three overs to spare.

Another excellent win and full bonus points again. This closes the gap on Redbourn, but they are now played 6 won 5 and still representing a threat. We need to win against Final CC who are currently third next week.

Graeme suggested we should introduce a man of the match award for each game. There were a number of good performances last night: Dave unbeaten on 30 odd and three good overs at low cost, Graeme another unbeaten 25 and a fantastic catch. However, Tim M gets the award for his three wickets in an over and being not out at the finish. He should go out drinking more often!

Tues 30 Oct v Long Marston: Match report

The words of that hideous song “Things can only get better” used by New Labour during their first election victory sprung to mind after last week’s loss (and the gut wrenching image of “two jags” Prescott trying to ‘dance’ and the embarrassed face of marmite masher Mandelson who no doubt would have preferred a shirt-lifter like Schubert to Chumba Wumba).

Well what a difference a weekend makes. Clearly after some soul searching, of a depth only equalled by our failed English rugby team following their thrashing by SA, we returned in a much stronger frame of mind. This time I lost the toss and batting- wise we started almost as badly as we did in the Q-final. Graeme and Dave opened and had an excellent first over of 17, including a lovely straight drive for 5 by Dave. However, Dave quickly departed run out to a close call in the second over. Tim S joined Graeme and as usual looked all grace and timing, dancing down the wicket to several of his first few deliveries. Sadly he missed what would have been a leg side wide during one of these sorties, but the keeper didn’t and completed a smart stumping. Enter new boy Mike who started well, but sadly as Graeme approached 25 he hit an uppish drive and was smartly caught off the side wall. I then joined Mike and we had moved the score on only a little before Mike hit what probably would have been six outdoors, but sadly it hit the roof before returning conveniently to the bowler. This left us at 80 odd for 4 with just Tim M and myself and 5 overs remaining. As ever, Tim delivered as only he can, frustrating the bowlers by consistently dabbing the ball into inaccessible places. The number of mid wicket conferences increased as we increased the number of singles, Tim gradually going a deeper shade of red. We approached the 2nd bonus point when I ran Tim out with 4 balls to go and 9 still required for the final bonus point, but this we managed off the last ball. So 140 for 5, a good result from 80 odd for 4, with Tim on 26 and me on 38.

We were still on the upward curve, well most of us, as we came out to bowl. Dave opened and with his first ball caught their opener plumb in front as he walked across his stumps, what a start! Well, new boy Mike soon brought us back to earth mixing unplayable deliveries with mix of wides and no balls (some a tad unfair IMHO), so from 7 for 1 after the first over, they went to 25 for 1. Dave continued to bowl well as did Tim S. They lost their second wicket to a run out but had kept their run rate up at around the asking rate. After a great spell from Dave, I started with immediate results courtesy of a great stumping from Graeme. I then bowled their captain having dropped him shortly before. Graeme then produced a lightening legside stumping, but I can’t remember who off. At this point they were really struggling behind the run rate and 5 wickets down. Tim M finished the game off bowling their final batsman, all out for just 74. I fine victory against last year’s league champions.


Ooo, and dropping that catch looks like it has broken my thumb.

Thurs 25 Oct Q-final: match report

Well the trophy that my wife has kindly let me display in our downstair’s loo will have to be returned. This was an abject performance, unworthy of a long report. Winning the toss was to be the only upside of the evening. We bowled well to start and kept the scoring down, but failed to take early wickets. We finally broke through getting rid of one of their openers just shy of 25. We kept them down to under 10 an over until the last three overs when things fell apart, summed up by the last ball of the innings which went for 9 due to overthrows and three actually run singles.

Our running between the wickets ultimately led to our downfall, but Andy fell LBW early on, which was unfortunate as we felt he got his leg outside the line, then new boy Mike Howard strolled in and smashed his first ball for 6 via the top net, but sadly did not last long falling to the first of our run outs. Mike Hughes batted well and retired on 25, leaving Trevor and I to lead a recovery. In three balls we were both gone, me run out, when Trevor hammered a drive back to the bowler. Trevor was then out a caught. This left Mike and John to try and score 60 for the last pair, which was too much. Mike Hughes stuck around until there were 2 overs to go making 50, but we were all out 111.

Tues 16 Oct v Outlaws: match report

We had another relatively easy win last night against potentially strong opponents in the Outlaws. I won the toss again and asked them to bat. They started very slowly with a great opening over from Dave that went for only 2. John Callender opened with Dave and between the two of them kept the scoring down under 10 an over initially. The opening pair lasted until the 5th over when we finally got rid of Jeremy who was starting to look dangerous, John ran him out with ease in the end after a well timed pull ended up straight back at the bowler. Mike, Trevor and Andy both played their first games, with Mike hobbling around after completing his first half marathon at the weekend (in 1:57, well done). So Mike was not looking forward to running of any form, but when asked to bowl, he did well. We completed another couple of run outs, another easy chance straight back to the bowler (Mike) and a good under arm through from Dave at short mid wicket for the other. All these wickets fell at steady intervals slowing the run rate to well under 10. Dave took a wicket with a good straight delivery achieving another rare LBW in this form of cricket (must be something to do with delivering the ball from such a low height (;-) John cleaned up another with a slower ball and I finished off the innings in the last over with a caught and bowled off the roof of the netting. This left Outlaws on a well below par 113 all out.

Andy and Dave opened and did very well, 19 off the first over was a great start which they continued both retiring on 25, Dave first with the score nearing 50. Mike went in three and kept the score ticking over, before losing his off stump. I scratched around and was joined by Trevor who blocked out a maiden then, somewhat out of frustration I imagine, nicely timed a lofted drive and was brilliantly caught at short mid wicket. This left John and I to try and finish things off, sadly I ran out John with around 20 required. Dave returned and continued his excellent form taking his score up to 36 and we finished the innings off rather cautiously with around 2 overs to go. Another win and full bonus points clearly demonstrated that batting second is better when trying to achieve a maximum.

Thurs 4 Oct v Frogmore: match report

An easy win last night, against the whipping boys, Frogmore, who finished bottom of the league with just one win last year. On the basis of last night, their batting might mean they stay there again but their bowling shows some hope for them.

I won the toss and inserted. We had an interesting debate on who should keep, with Dave and Tim S initially being too polite as to who minded least taking the gloves. This was resolved in the end by Tim M being decisive and donning the glove and pads for the first time indoors. Dave opened the bowling and started swinging the ball immediately mixing some excellent deliveries that would have had the slips licking their fingers with others causing the umpire to stretch his arms. Tim S took the second over bowling straight and getting some bounce then completed the over with a lovely slower ball which hit their opener plumb in front. There were then several run outs, mostly down to poor calling from the opposition, at least two at the bowlers end that didn’t even require throws to complete the dismissal. John Cowan came and produced two excellent overs aside from one short delivery that as often happens was hit beautifully towards cover but quickly ended up back in the bowler hands to complete an easy run out. Neil and I completed the bowling and as I might have expected, it was a complete reversal of form for me from Tuesday, bowling to a left hander I simply couldn’t get the line right and conceded a horrendous number of wides. However, Neil fortunately finished off their innings with a lovely caught and bowled off the side wall in the 9th over, leaving them 76 all out.

The two Tims opened the innings. Tim M started well working the ball around but Tim S fell early dancing down the track and turning an inswinging good length delivery into a yorker and lost his off stump. Dave went in next and played well again, but their bowling was not as bad as their batting. More than one of their bowlers made good use of the swinging conditions, which accounted for Dave with another rare LBW decision to a ball that just shaped away. Neil went in next and Tim M retired having reaching 25, leaving me hopefully to play out the final 10 runs for victory. However I lasted only two balls missing a straight one going for a duck to complete a wretched evening (;-(. John Cowan then came out and hit some lusty blows square of the wicket, almost hitting one straight back to the keeper, not quite and these were enough to complete the win reaching 77 for 3 after only 7 overs. This gave us full bonus points, which seems odd, given that I think we played much better on Tuesday night and yet only failed to get the last bonus point.

Tues 2 Oct v Redbourn, match report

So the first game of the new season was a repeat of our last game from last season against Redbourn. I think they had their full strength squad out intending to reap revenge.

They started well by winning the toss and inserting us but that is about as good as it got. Tim S opened with Graeme and got off to a flying start, Tim retiring sometime during the third over with the score already over 50. Dave then joined Graeme and started as though he hadn't learned anything from last year. Well this was Graeme’s view anyway, who only gave him 3 balls before making this judgement and perhaps was feeling a little sore as he was run out for 22 when Dave finally went for his first run. As though to prove a point though, Dave then started angling his bat and finding the side wall and along with John Callender started to build a small partnership. John then fell foul to the first of two rather dubious run outs. I then joined Dave and we put on another 30 before I fell victim to the second dodgy run out decision. Tim M then came in did what he does best, consistently nurdlingly the ball around. Dave retired and Tim S returned and started to time the ball beautifully, sadly one shot was hit so hard Tim M could not get out of the way and the ball cruelly ricocheted off the side wall back to the bowler’s stumps and Tim was run out. Dave rejoined Tim M but fell to yet another run out in the final over. Tim M finished things off with a final individual total of 20 odd. An excellent final score of 170 for 5 (all run out) and full batting points. I also think this is the first game I can remember where we have scored so many and not hit the back wall (I think that is accurate), solid evidence that running singles and hitting the side walls is the most consistent way to build good totals.

Redbourn's openers started solidly, against good bowling from Tim S and John but they fell continuously behind the required run rate and were only 50 after 5 overs before we took our first wicket to yet another run out. With a climbing required rate, we kept chipping away at the wickets with another few run outs and a good stumping from Graeme (in only his second game of any form of cricket since the final last year). They needed 100 off the last 5 overs and more or less gave up, they didn't seem interested in trying to reach 140 that would have go them to another bonus point. They were keener to ensure they did not give their last wicket away to give us full bonus points. The new points system certainly changed behaviours as we had all our fielders around the bat for the last two overs trying in vain to claim the final wicket. They finished on 114 for 5. Final points: 13 to us, 2 to Redbourn, a really good consistent performance from everyone.

Why going outside for a quick cigar is not a good idea!

Poor old Andy, he certainly looked better last night at our drinks but is still sporting a particularly impressive scar.

The story he told us is that he can’t actually remember what his head hit. He just remembers having a few drinks then feeling like a cigar, so he went outside to his car. That was the last he can recalls until seeing himself in the mirror back in the house covered in blood. A taxi journey to Hemel (as no one was sober to drive) led to 15? or stitches inserted at 3 in the morning!

New bonus point scheme

1. 10 points for a win, 5 points for a tie (runs scored the same for both sides, with wickets lost the same as well). *If scores are tied, the team losing the least number of wickets will win.

Bonus points are available as follows:

2. 2 bowling point can be gained

• a. 1 for 3 wickets
• b. 2 two for 6 wickets

3. 2 batting points can be gained

• a. 1 for scoring 75 runs
• b. 2 for scoring 140 runs

4. If bowling first & opposition scores less than 75 then

• a. 2 extra bonus points as they will not be able to gain these when batting.

5. If side bowling first dismisses & opposition less than 140 then

• a. 1 extra bonus point as they will not be able to gain these when batting.

6. Bonus points are added to the 10 points a team gains for a win

7. Bonus points only are awarded to the losing team

8. In the event of a “no show” the opposing team will be awarded 14 points, and the team that fails to raise a side will be deducted 14 points.

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