THE COLTS V.ST.JOHN FISHER : LEAGUE : 28/11/12

Here starteth the lesson. “Bishop” (male) Prefab had his flock round him at the Church of the Holy Choice as he led his team in prayer. There was “Archdeacon” Hedge with a small chorister nestling under his cassock, Peter “Communion” Makower, Steve “Organ” Ball, David “Boy Soprano” Whiteley, and JC was, well JC was JC. He always is isn’t he ? And he moves in mysterious ways.

The opponents were St. John of the Fishermen and there was no need for talk of loaves and feeding the five thousand before the game although it was a bit concerning that it took four Colts to work out which way round the “Archdeacon’s” pads went on. As a biblical flood continued to rage outside and a plague of locusts filled the air, “Bishop” won the toss and batted after looking at his wristband that says “WWJD” (stands for “What Would Jedward Do ?”). The genesis of a good innings began with 44-0 off 4 and “Bish” (32* in 15) retired despite being dropped off a caught and bowled when his dismissal may have led to a very interesting match indeed. Still, there was no sign of an apple, serpent or fig-leaf at this stage until the usual Colts collapse when we made a right wedding in Cana of the middle overs. “Boy Soprano” (23 in 20) was LBW to the fickle finger of fudge (it was doing just enough) whilst “Communion” (6 in 6) whined about his run out and the “Archdeacon” (1 in 2) lobbed a full toss up in to the netting and got crucified as he came off. 71-3 off 8 required divine intervention and when the world is against you and you need a man to walk on water, it is helpful to be able to call on your own resident JC (17 in 18) to bless this house. “Organ” (15 in 11) tickled a few and blocked a few and when the “Bish” came back in we had managed 25 from the last two overs to set a fair target of 111. Nothing special mind you. The Colts were still just about singing from the same song sheet but the collection plate looked a bit on the empty side. Had we made a hassock of the holy thing ?               

As for most of the season, when we needed something with the orb, we got it. “Archdeacon” (2-0-8-1) bowled with reverence including an absolute jaffa to clip the top of middle peg. “Organ” (3-0-11-3) is probably due to be beatified for a number of absolute beauties in his spell with all three batsmen clean bowled as the ball whistled through like the Holy Ghost up a nun’s nightdress (your scribe is going straight to Hell for this match report). At 30-4 in 6 the match was done as The Fish succumbed to Satan and all his little wizards. They

made the mistake of simply “trying not to get out” rather than trying to score the runs. Anil (17 in 17) probably should have opened and was convincingly the best Fisher on show as he added a few in a last disciple stand. “Communion” (3-0-21-2) took the other wickets as we also let through a disappointing 27 extras including 22 in wides.

The Colts weren’t evil. We weren’t even atheist or agnostic. We didn’t vote against female bishops nor did we trespass in the house of laity nor against those that trespass against us (regularly). We were just a bit hollow rather than hallowed. Maybe the big games coming up against Final were on our minds.

MoM : His kingdom come and his will be done. He’s also not averse to a bit of daily bread. The power and the Bally for his 3-fer.         

COLTS V. FROGMORE : CUP SEMI FINAL : 15/11/12

The Led Zepp theme tune to “Top of the Pops” blasted out across the PA system as the Captain (and Tenille) “Kid Diddy” Prefab tossed up dressed in a white cricket shirt with huge pointed collars, a tank-top, flared trousers, a Dr. Who scarf and strange T-Rex mascara. He called “Talking Heads”. It was “Tails”. The winner takes it all. It was a motley crew of beastie boys who made up the team :  “Kid Diddy”, Dave “Lee” Whiteley, Andrew “The Hairless Cornflake” Hedges, Mike “Fluff” Howard, John “Nicey” Card and Peter “Our Tune” Makower (ever popular with the ladies).

Before the game there had been a remarkable team meeting where every possible scenario of toss, batting line up and God knows what else was discussed. As a guitar gently weeped in the corner, “Kid Diddy” was told to naff off and get the match started by opening the batting with “Lee”. It was a masterpiece. After 5 overs we were ride on time and there must have been an angel somewhere as we were 60-0 with “Kid Diddy” (25 in 14) and “Lee” (31 in 20) both climbing the charts like a boy band with new haircuts. “Fluff” (28 in 11) took it on but the revelation was “Our Tune” (28 in 10). It was remarkable not least because with his killer looks and general irresistibleness, Pete was fighting off Pan’s People, Legs & Co. and the Goombay Dance Band for most of it. Over 9 was a great illustration as “Mick” went for a big 20 (dot,5,3,3,3,6) and “Cornflake” (12 in 7) and “Fluff” both Tatu’d (did you see what I did there ?) the back wall by some terrific clouting with their rhythm sticks. In fact, we only made a blancmange of the final over where we managed to lose 3 nutty boy run outs in a moment of madness but 159-5 (all run out) was Whitney Houston perfect (i.e. an exceptional performance until it went completely deranged at the end). The drugs can work. The only embarrassment was “Our Tune” pumping out his own version of “We don’t have to take our pads off (to have a good time)” in the last seconds.

The Frog Chorus crossed the white line (something like a phenomenon) and after an early run out they took it to 60-1 off 5 and were well on course. This narked “Lee” who decided to body rock their opener with a cheeky little shoulder charge. This caused a falling out like that of Simon and Garfunkel’s when they disagreed over the title of “Tunnel Under Contented Water”. Punches were nearly thrown. Lights nearly went out and walls almost came tumbling down. Further confusion reigned when the umpire intervened to suggest that fielding the ball in the restricted zone was girls not allowed. Oh Vienna. “Our Tune” (3-0-23-2) was having a thriller as the Frogs tumbled to 78-5 and the match was won. “Kid Diddy” mind you was having a Jocky Wilson said of an evening where it would have been nice if he’d taken at least one behind the stumps just for the novelty value. “Everything I do, I do it for you” he wailed in a vain attempt to protect his position as captain of their hearts. It was safe to say there was no chance of him walking off to “The Reflex” at the end.

So, it’s all to play for. St. John Fisher and then double Final including the final against Final. You’d be Jimmy Savile to miss it.

MoM: It’s not even close. Like the old, tall, bald, thin Duke that he is, Pete “Our Tune” Makower (28 & 2-23) rocked it.                               

THE COLTS V. VOCALINK : LEAGUE : 13/11/12

(A Colt-ian Rhapsody)

Is this the real life ?
Is this just fantasy (cricket) ?
Caught down the leg-side (Bally – how ?)

No escape from reality.

Open your eyes
And stop bowling pies you see.
I'm just the poor skip, I get no sympathy
Because I'm "Easy run, easy go"
Simon’s out, Simon’s low
Any way the Colts win, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Mikey, just ran you out
Made a call but made it wrong
Umpire’s triggered, now he's gone.

Mikey, my knock  had just begun
But have we gone and thrown it all away ?
Mikey, Ooohh-ooooh

Didn't mean to run you out
If I’m not back again to play v. Final (CC)
Carry on, carry on, as nothing really matters.

Too late, our time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Knees are aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mikey, Ooohh-ooooh –

I don't wanna die
I sometimes wish I'd never been picked at all. 

I see a little silhouett-o of a man
Is it Dave ? Must be Dave. Will he do the Fandango ?
Rupert bowls like lightning , very very frightening me ?

Bally-leo, Bally-leo

Bally-leo, Figaro - Magnifico!

I'm just the poor skip, nobody loves me
(He's just the poor skip from a poor family
Spare him his life, he’s a monstrosity).
Easy run, easy go – always calling “No !” (eventually)
Bismillah! Wait I I’m always calling No – calling No !
Bismillah! Wait ! I’m always calling No – calling No !

No, no, no, no, no, no, no !

Oh Mikey Howard, Mikey Howard, Mikey Howard ! Let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me ! For me ! For me!

So you think you can stop us with a few games to go ?

So you think you can field but you just overthrow

Oh baby - can't do this to us, baby
Just gotta run out -- just gotta run right outta here

The Double really matters
Anyone can see
The Double really matters
The Double really matters to me.

Any way the wind blows...

(cymbal crash)

(MOM sleeve notes : They only had 5 men and made 82 all out and we chased it down on 83-3. Rupes (3-0-13-1) was on fire but it’s going to David Whiteley (3-0-19-1 and 27* in 14).

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : LEAGUE : 6/11/12

(In best dodgy accent)

Kkhello, my name still “Prefab” Borat and this still my willage. You like ? Ulhaqistan much like it was the last time you here. Global recession. I try to set up Ulhaqistan Hit-Ball-Stick Board Of Control. Not a success. We not have two cow-pats to rub together. Can’t even get Mark Ramprakash on a Bosman.

We still strong in “Hit Ball Stick”. Good side but this year less “Hit” and more “Miss”. “Willow” very grumpy. He say mania with trying to hit willage back wall. Would like to see more “tip and run”. At least his dodgy goatee gone. What about “Hedge with ‘tache" ? Now clean chin. Less virile more shriek like lady-girl when ball tapped to him and hit thumb. Just stop ball “Hedge without ‘tache". This no game for Jessie J’s. I still twice nightly with “Whiteley”. Very nice, yes.

Team made up by “Mike” from North of Border up the Khyber Pass. Also “Bally”. He has touch of the Delhi Belly. These days we are all a bit more Belly and a bit less Delhi.

We play the “Bamga Dins”. We should win. Last year we gave them pummelling like camel mounting kitten. If we win again there is every prospect that we dance “Gangnam Style”. We are dung-hot on the night. “Willow” (26* in 19) and “Mike” (44* in 14) take “Ani” to f@cking cleaners and we soon 79-1 off 6. “Whiteley” (12 in 8) fall trying to cut one off his fringe. “Whiteley” scream in private moment “Wun oop thar, wun doon thar, nae ball, not nae ball – what’s goin’ on oot thar ?”. We send for wise woman to translate for heem.

Borat (25* in 12) not bad and “Mike” take “Jeremy” to the bridge with an 8. “Hedge” (no ‘tache and before lady-girl shriek – 20* in 11) also notching. 190-2 in 12. Sorted. We back on song. Willage come down to watch. Also filming. We may be on “Hit Ball Stick AM” with Sarah Jane Mee. Tasty. Some bloke called “Barney Francis” kybosh deal with Hit-Ball-Stick Board Of Control. Wad.

Also, point of reference. “Bamga Dins” give us 59 extras in wides and no balls. This a bit like bringing ewe’s milk and goat cheese to Ulhaq “Stag Do” and bringing the ewe and the goat as well for afters. Tidy. "Bamga Dins" Youth Project has off night.  

With ball we do fine. “Bally” (2.4-0-15-3) on song with LBW, clean bowled and a catch. Clean bowled not so fun. I get ricochet right in the scrote-pukka after ball hit stump. I am alarmed by claret. Not wish to follow “Hedge” example so man up despite huge cut require many stitch. Men die in battle less hurt. I am   inwincible !! Also get catch behind off “Willow”. We give up 30 in wides which is a pretty rotten return for a bunch of so-called experienced cricketers who ought to know which way round a batsman stands (“Right Hand !”) but no big harm done to result.     

“Ani” give it big grumble on LBW and Manish (29 in 38) get them to 81 all out.

Now for big main tent and drink and songs ! Me feel good and me feel like some man company. Where “Whiteley” and lady-girl “Hedge” (no ‘tache) ?  

MoM : Can’t give to self but deserve it for bravery. Love “Bally” but no runs. Ah “Mikey” (44* and 1-11).

THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : LEAGUE : 1/11/12

And now for something completely pretty much the same... 

At the Choice Ministry for Silly Cricket, The Colts again proved themselves the Knights of Nii with the ball having been upper class twits of the year with the bat for yet another game. Captain “Monty” Prefab’s flying circus freaks dug themselves out of another hermit hole (no juniper berries) having posted a wholly inadequate total of 106 in the first innings. The batting order had been a bit of a thorny issue and “Monty” discussed dropping further down the order with Mike “Spiny Norman” Howard. “Nae,” said “Spiny “you’re a natural opener and I should know as I’ve followed a few”.

“Monty” and “Spiny” were joined by the “Piranha Bothers” of JC and JC3 as well as Rupert “Mr. Creosote” Garrett (last seen stuck in a traffic jam at Heathrow) and Simon “Brian” Williams. The meaning of life this probably wasn’t but the meaning of staying at the top of the table was beating a decent looking Flamstead bunch who did not appear particularly weakened by half term hols, having their haircut but only after taking their coat and moving it down to the lower peg as well as finishing their prep homework and then taking Molesworth junior to afternoon tea. 

In fact “Spiny” and “Brian” opened but the first over was a bit of a disaster. As “Brian” (1 in 3) clumped off after yet another unfortunate run out he was heard to proclaim of “Spiny” (7 in 7) : “He’s not an opening batsman he’s a very naughty boy”. The Colts only averaged 9 an over and early run outs (“Spiny” contributed to his own downfall with a run out involving a giant wooden bunny) didn’t help leaving “Monty” (37* in 25) to cry out at 30-2 off 4 “Alright, let’s call it a draw”. Flam’s bowling was straight and true and a lot of dots came from straight drives that couldn’t pierce the back wall defences. As “Brian” might have put it “Apart from bowling straight, fielding well, protecting the back wall, cutting off singles and taking run outs – what did Flamstead ever do for us ?”. “Mr. Creosote” (16 in 17) played a terrific little knock but the “Piranha Brothers” nailed their own heads to the floor with a LBW and a poke to gully and it was clear that a target of 140 had to be adjusted to 120 and then 110. “Monty” managed to cobble a few as we scraped to 106-4 helped by 28 wides. As an innings though it had passed on. It was no more. It had ceased to be. It had expired and gone to meet it’s maker ! It was a stiff. Bereft of life. It rested in peace. Pushing up the daisies. Our metabolic processes were now history. We had kicked the bucket. Shuffled off our mortal coil. Run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible...

Things were not looking good.

But with the ball, and after a restorative mouthful of otter’s spleens, a packet of wolf nipple chips (get ‘em while they’re hot) and the holy grail stuffed down the skipper’s pants, The Colts are a different proposition. We were terrific. Right from the word “Jehovah” we were terrific. “Spiny” (3-0-26-4) was brilliant for 2 overs and downright dangerous for the last one (beamer). “Mr. Creosote” (3-0-25-1) was just as good with diving stops and a ball a la Glen McGrath to clean bowl their number 4. “Brian” (3-0-24-0) kept it tidy apart from fielding the one that he let go clean under his own scrotum off “Spiny” (run out pay-back) and the “Piranha Brothers” were patrolling everywhere else. At 43-3 off 6 we thought that we had them but “MB” (25 in 26) kept them in the picture and we needed something (not the comfy chair) from the Spanish Inquisition. Fortunately the salmon mousse took care of the rest but the Flams finished on a very creditable and hardly idle 97-5 in another result too close for comfort. We really must sort out the batting chaps . By the way, the meaning of life : It's nothing very special, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. It’s that simple. Also, dab the ball in to the side wall and call and then run like you mean it.   
                
MoM : “Monty” would like to award it to himself (as always) for his 37* and Rupes had a top game as well but truthfully we were up a shrubbery (but a nice one) if it weren’t for the Big Yin “Spiny Norman” (4-26). Happy 41st birthday Mike.