DOUBLE WINNERS/CUP FINAL : THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : 9/12/10

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to see The Colts win the "Doubl-ay". It was fantasy Lapland style stuff at the Choice Cricket Grotto on Thursday evening as the biting cold of winter and the biting wit of Bally were on show. Redbourn were our old foe from Christmas past, present and no doubt future and it was for the Colts to take on the role of Scrooge and ensure that everything under the tree was ours.

As with any Christmas arrangements there were the inevitable family arguments and problems. Mike “Hogmanay” Howard had gone down with a nasty touch of Jock 'flu, Steve “Mistletoe” Ball was over-excited like a small boy on Christmas morning whilst “The Sledge” was stuck on his sleigh somewhere around Harlow and couldn’t see his way through to even make it for a late glass of sherry before dossing down on the Z-bed in the spare room. These were grim omens that not even a repeat of “The Great Escape” and the winning of the toss could resolve. Capt. “Santa” Prefab chose to bat which looked like it suited Redbourn and a hastily re-jigged batting line up now included David “Brandy Butter” Whiteley, John “Advent” Callender and Peter “Band Aid” Makower. The Big Mak had actually been the saviour for the evening (with apologies to our Lord “JC”) in turning up at very short notice to replace “Sister Sledge” who had given up on the M11 and decided to head back to his igloo.

“Santa” and “Brandy Butter” opened up but this was to prove a difficult evening for the big fella from the frozen North. A red nose and the bristles of a white beard are all very well but it doesn’t make up for getting out in the first over. “The Mighty Wylie” (3-0-32-0) is like sprouts on your plate, not easy to dispose of, and an over-eager attempt at a single left “Santa” reaching back for his crease like your grandad trying to reach the TV remote to turn over for the “Queen’s Speech” but without getting out of his chair. Again, much like grandad, he ended up in an undignified heap on the carpet. It was important for “Hogmanay” (39* in 23) and “Butter” (23 in 16) to rebuild and this they did with a turkey leg-bye here and a mince wide there as the score got up to 70-2 in 7 overs. Redbourn were good with the satsuma and their fielding was keen like auntie Flora trying to get at the chocolate liqueurs before setting up “Twister” in the living room. If matches, like stomachs, have turning points then the next partnership between “Advent” (22 in 12) and “Mistletoe” (30* in 11) was crucial. “Advent” was the port to “Mistletoe’s” stilton and together they got the total to 127 in the 11th over with a stand of 48 in 4 overs that glistened like tinsel. “Hogmanay” added another 14 off the final “Wylie” over and the Colts were done at 141-4 and with a big tin of Quality Street waiting on the sideboard.

Redbourn knew they would have to bat well as “Hogmanay” (3-0-37-3) was about to show everyone what being the king of swing is all about. Two vicious in-duckers went crashing in to the insteps of the in-laws “Nigel” and “Test Match” (that’s what the score-card says) and they were both given very out by umpire Gary Stanford. “Band Aid” (3-0-39-0) was tidy if prone to no-balling for the first time since the last Morecambe & Wise BBC Christmas special. Only “Boz” (37 in 20) could keep the Colts mixed nuts at bay as “Wylie” was clean bowled. "Mistletoe” (2-0-12-1) found the perfect time to rediscover his mojo as a Terry’s chocolate orange jaffa was too good for “Emmo” (14 in 8) and “1-Shot” (15 in 8) was run out after one optimistic call for a quick single too many. This left “Boz” standing on his own like a crusty bottle of advocaat as the Colts swarmed around like carol singers on a rich man's doorstep. It took one last final delivery from “Butter” (1.1-0.1-12-1) for the big man in red to finally come down the chimney and get the party started. “Santa” Prefab swapped the dustbin lids he’d had taped to his hands all innings for a pair of wicket-keeping gauntlets, actually caught something and then managed to stumble through the stumps like a drunk in a dark alley as “Boz” took a hapless step down the track.

There were tears, there was perspiration in buckets from “Hogmanay” and there was a congratulatory ‘phone call from Sister Sledge’s Sat-Nav to ask if anyone knew the way home from Aldershot. Redbourn had been fine opponents but once again the key moments had slipped away from them like that last “After Eight” down the back of the sofa.

The Colts are worthy “Double Winners” again.

MoM : It could be Peter “Band Aid” Makower for answering the call with an hour’s notice but there’s no substitute for pure class and “Hogmanay” takes it for 39* and 3-37.

Captain’s yuletide log : Star date 101210 : As a first season in command, thank you to everyone for being mostly helpful, mainly willing, partly able, often available but we made an outstanding squad. The “Double” was fully merited and you can’t put a price on those little bits of gold-painted plastic (well, you can, they’re about 40p each in a job lot and Whiteley’s broken one of his already).

Captain’s yuletide log : Star date 101210 Additional : Curry AGM looks likely to be first week in January 2011. Possibly Friday 7th ? Team photos and Awards.

CHAMPIONS !! : THE COLTS V. CRABTREE DADS : 2/12/10

On the score-sheet last night “Bally” was entered as “Pauly” and the good fella had a big evening as the Colts left a huge horse’s head in the bed of the Crabtree Dads. We took a terrible revenge on the unsuspecting Fathers for the disrespect that had been visited upon our family. The Colts crime syndicate was ready to run the numbers and roll the dice as we looked to take care of business with the league title on the line.

Capo “Don” Prefab stuck two olives in his cheeks (no, not those, think higher) and squeezed in to a dinner jacket to head up the organization whilst surrounding himself with trusty side-kicks who all carried suspicious looking bulges under their clothes but this may just have been extra layers because of the fricking cold. Andrew “Bullet” Hedges was in a mean mood and carried a violin case (who knew that The Hedge played the violin ?). David “Mumbles” Whiteley had a feather- duster instead of a knuckle-duster. Three-Fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower had a razor in his shoe whilst “Pauly” Bally wandered around muttering to everyone “I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you ? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you ? What do you mean funny, funny how ? How am I funny ?” which put everyone a little bit on edge. The final member of the crew was Johnny “Blue Eyes” Callender who was the baby-faced assassin for the evening.

Like all good heists this one started with the flipping of a coin and the moving of several ten gallon tanks of illicit moonshine across the Bedfordshire border under the very noses of the Feds. “Don” Prefab opted to bat first but after a meeting with the family lawyer and a ceremony involving a pistol, a knife and the image of a saint he sent out “Mumbles” and “Bullet” in a change to the usual opening pair. “Mumbles” (32* in 12) was off to the races right from the start whilst “Bullet” (28* in 16) took slightly longer for his roulette wheel to start spinning. We were 65-0 in 5 overs and the Pops were yelling for mercy, particularly after “Bullet” whipped a stiletto of a straight drive and took off the bowler’s fingers before whacking the cop on the back wall for good measure. This was scary stuff and even a code of silence wasn’t going to stop the men from Sicily. “Blue Eyes” (30* in 15) found a tommy gun and continued the St. Valentine’s day massacre and he was joined by “Leroy” Makower (20 in 8) who was the only casualty after he was betrayed by a poor call and then run out at a turnpike toll booth. Capo “Don” (22* in 9) then extorted further payments as he was joined by “Big Pauly” who had just completed a “ten-stretch” at the Big House after being found guilty of taking a pinch when the heat was on and the hooch was so hot it was steaming. Bear that in mind the next time you’re asked by “Big Pauly” to lend him a tenner and can he watch the first session of the Test match at your place. 166-1 was a match winning total and The Colts were looking to close out the league season in Las Vegas style. We were there all week – try the veal.

“Leroy” (2.1-0-7-2) took a wicket in the first over, caught by “Bullet” and “Big Pauly” (3-0-20-2) was bowling himself back in to some form. “Pauly” had a rough time of it last game out and he was heard before the Dads’ innings whispering to Capo “Don” “I swear on the lives of my children, give me one last chance to redeem myself and I will sin no more”. How can you argue with that ? The Dads went down swinging but only “Big Rob” (27 in 28) really found the back wall as the others were intent on trying to hit the ball up through the roof. The Colts took 3 catches off Rick O’Sheas (that well known Irish gangster) and the court was turning in to Hell’s Kitchen as the score fell to 55-4 in 7 overs. The Colts were untouchable and the Pops had brought a knife to a gun-fight as Capo “Don” snaffled a good one down the leg-side before the batter could even say “You dirty rat”. By now the Dads were on the road to perdition and it would take more than a hoodlum loan shark with a billy club to sort things out. “Pauly” was heard to say “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” – whatever that meant.

In the final scene, the police surrounded the building and Capo “Don” called on the Dads to surrender but the Dads decided to fight it out. The police fired tear gas in to the office but the Dads managed to escape. All the evil henchmen were then shot by the police when they tried to give themselves up. Capo “Don” climbed to the top of a gigantic, globe-shaped gas storage tank with the league title shield clasped in his hands and shouted "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (roll closing credits).

MoM : Despite “Mumbles” voting for himself the family decided that the most worthy villain of the piece was three-fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower with 20 & 2.1-0-7-2.