Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to see The Colts win the "Doubl-ay". It was fantasy Lapland style stuff at the Choice Cricket Grotto on Thursday evening as the biting cold of winter and the biting wit of Bally were on show. Redbourn were our old foe from Christmas past, present and no doubt future and it was for the Colts to take on the role of Scrooge and ensure that everything under the tree was ours.
As with any Christmas arrangements there were the inevitable family arguments and problems. Mike “Hogmanay” Howard had gone down with a nasty touch of Jock 'flu, Steve “Mistletoe” Ball was over-excited like a small boy on Christmas morning whilst “The Sledge” was stuck on his sleigh somewhere around Harlow and couldn’t see his way through to even make it for a late glass of sherry before dossing down on the Z-bed in the spare room. These were grim omens that not even a repeat of “The Great Escape” and the winning of the toss could resolve. Capt. “Santa” Prefab chose to bat which looked like it suited Redbourn and a hastily re-jigged batting line up now included David “Brandy Butter” Whiteley, John “Advent” Callender and Peter “Band Aid” Makower. The Big Mak had actually been the saviour for the evening (with apologies to our Lord “JC”) in turning up at very short notice to replace “Sister Sledge” who had given up on the M11 and decided to head back to his igloo.
“Santa” and “Brandy Butter” opened up but this was to prove a difficult evening for the big fella from the frozen North. A red nose and the bristles of a white beard are all very well but it doesn’t make up for getting out in the first over. “The Mighty Wylie” (3-0-32-0) is like sprouts on your plate, not easy to dispose of, and an over-eager attempt at a single left “Santa” reaching back for his crease like your grandad trying to reach the TV remote to turn over for the “Queen’s Speech” but without getting out of his chair. Again, much like grandad, he ended up in an undignified heap on the carpet. It was important for “Hogmanay” (39* in 23) and “Butter” (23 in 16) to rebuild and this they did with a turkey leg-bye here and a mince wide there as the score got up to 70-2 in 7 overs. Redbourn were good with the satsuma and their fielding was keen like auntie Flora trying to get at the chocolate liqueurs before setting up “Twister” in the living room. If matches, like stomachs, have turning points then the next partnership between “Advent” (22 in 12) and “Mistletoe” (30* in 11) was crucial. “Advent” was the port to “Mistletoe’s” stilton and together they got the total to 127 in the 11th over with a stand of 48 in 4 overs that glistened like tinsel. “Hogmanay” added another 14 off the final “Wylie” over and the Colts were done at 141-4 and with a big tin of Quality Street waiting on the sideboard.
Redbourn knew they would have to bat well as “Hogmanay” (3-0-37-3) was about to show everyone what being the king of swing is all about. Two vicious in-duckers went crashing in to the insteps of the in-laws “Nigel” and “Test Match” (that’s what the score-card says) and they were both given very out by umpire Gary Stanford. “Band Aid” (3-0-39-0) was tidy if prone to no-balling for the first time since the last Morecambe & Wise BBC Christmas special. Only “Boz” (37 in 20) could keep the Colts mixed nuts at bay as “Wylie” was clean bowled. "Mistletoe” (2-0-12-1) found the perfect time to rediscover his mojo as a Terry’s chocolate orange jaffa was too good for “Emmo” (14 in 8) and “1-Shot” (15 in 8) was run out after one optimistic call for a quick single too many. This left “Boz” standing on his own like a crusty bottle of advocaat as the Colts swarmed around like carol singers on a rich man's doorstep. It took one last final delivery from “Butter” (1.1-0.1-12-1) for the big man in red to finally come down the chimney and get the party started. “Santa” Prefab swapped the dustbin lids he’d had taped to his hands all innings for a pair of wicket-keeping gauntlets, actually caught something and then managed to stumble through the stumps like a drunk in a dark alley as “Boz” took a hapless step down the track.
There were tears, there was perspiration in buckets from “Hogmanay” and there was a congratulatory ‘phone call from Sister Sledge’s Sat-Nav to ask if anyone knew the way home from Aldershot. Redbourn had been fine opponents but once again the key moments had slipped away from them like that last “After Eight” down the back of the sofa.
The Colts are worthy “Double Winners” again.
MoM : It could be Peter “Band Aid” Makower for answering the call with an hour’s notice but there’s no substitute for pure class and “Hogmanay” takes it for 39* and 3-37.
Captain’s yuletide log : Star date 101210 : As a first season in command, thank you to everyone for being mostly helpful, mainly willing, partly able, often available but we made an outstanding squad. The “Double” was fully merited and you can’t put a price on those little bits of gold-painted plastic (well, you can, they’re about 40p each in a job lot and Whiteley’s broken one of his already).
Captain’s yuletide log : Star date 101210 Additional : Curry AGM looks likely to be first week in January 2011. Possibly Friday 7th ? Team photos and Awards.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
CHAMPIONS !! : THE COLTS V. CRABTREE DADS : 2/12/10
On the score-sheet last night “Bally” was entered as “Pauly” and the good fella had a big evening as the Colts left a huge horse’s head in the bed of the Crabtree Dads. We took a terrible revenge on the unsuspecting Fathers for the disrespect that had been visited upon our family. The Colts crime syndicate was ready to run the numbers and roll the dice as we looked to take care of business with the league title on the line.
Capo “Don” Prefab stuck two olives in his cheeks (no, not those, think higher) and squeezed in to a dinner jacket to head up the organization whilst surrounding himself with trusty side-kicks who all carried suspicious looking bulges under their clothes but this may just have been extra layers because of the fricking cold. Andrew “Bullet” Hedges was in a mean mood and carried a violin case (who knew that The Hedge played the violin ?). David “Mumbles” Whiteley had a feather- duster instead of a knuckle-duster. Three-Fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower had a razor in his shoe whilst “Pauly” Bally wandered around muttering to everyone “I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you ? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you ? What do you mean funny, funny how ? How am I funny ?” which put everyone a little bit on edge. The final member of the crew was Johnny “Blue Eyes” Callender who was the baby-faced assassin for the evening.
Like all good heists this one started with the flipping of a coin and the moving of several ten gallon tanks of illicit moonshine across the Bedfordshire border under the very noses of the Feds. “Don” Prefab opted to bat first but after a meeting with the family lawyer and a ceremony involving a pistol, a knife and the image of a saint he sent out “Mumbles” and “Bullet” in a change to the usual opening pair. “Mumbles” (32* in 12) was off to the races right from the start whilst “Bullet” (28* in 16) took slightly longer for his roulette wheel to start spinning. We were 65-0 in 5 overs and the Pops were yelling for mercy, particularly after “Bullet” whipped a stiletto of a straight drive and took off the bowler’s fingers before whacking the cop on the back wall for good measure. This was scary stuff and even a code of silence wasn’t going to stop the men from Sicily. “Blue Eyes” (30* in 15) found a tommy gun and continued the St. Valentine’s day massacre and he was joined by “Leroy” Makower (20 in 8) who was the only casualty after he was betrayed by a poor call and then run out at a turnpike toll booth. Capo “Don” (22* in 9) then extorted further payments as he was joined by “Big Pauly” who had just completed a “ten-stretch” at the Big House after being found guilty of taking a pinch when the heat was on and the hooch was so hot it was steaming. Bear that in mind the next time you’re asked by “Big Pauly” to lend him a tenner and can he watch the first session of the Test match at your place. 166-1 was a match winning total and The Colts were looking to close out the league season in Las Vegas style. We were there all week – try the veal.
“Leroy” (2.1-0-7-2) took a wicket in the first over, caught by “Bullet” and “Big Pauly” (3-0-20-2) was bowling himself back in to some form. “Pauly” had a rough time of it last game out and he was heard before the Dads’ innings whispering to Capo “Don” “I swear on the lives of my children, give me one last chance to redeem myself and I will sin no more”. How can you argue with that ? The Dads went down swinging but only “Big Rob” (27 in 28) really found the back wall as the others were intent on trying to hit the ball up through the roof. The Colts took 3 catches off Rick O’Sheas (that well known Irish gangster) and the court was turning in to Hell’s Kitchen as the score fell to 55-4 in 7 overs. The Colts were untouchable and the Pops had brought a knife to a gun-fight as Capo “Don” snaffled a good one down the leg-side before the batter could even say “You dirty rat”. By now the Dads were on the road to perdition and it would take more than a hoodlum loan shark with a billy club to sort things out. “Pauly” was heard to say “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” – whatever that meant.
In the final scene, the police surrounded the building and Capo “Don” called on the Dads to surrender but the Dads decided to fight it out. The police fired tear gas in to the office but the Dads managed to escape. All the evil henchmen were then shot by the police when they tried to give themselves up. Capo “Don” climbed to the top of a gigantic, globe-shaped gas storage tank with the league title shield clasped in his hands and shouted "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (roll closing credits).
MoM : Despite “Mumbles” voting for himself the family decided that the most worthy villain of the piece was three-fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower with 20 & 2.1-0-7-2.
Capo “Don” Prefab stuck two olives in his cheeks (no, not those, think higher) and squeezed in to a dinner jacket to head up the organization whilst surrounding himself with trusty side-kicks who all carried suspicious looking bulges under their clothes but this may just have been extra layers because of the fricking cold. Andrew “Bullet” Hedges was in a mean mood and carried a violin case (who knew that The Hedge played the violin ?). David “Mumbles” Whiteley had a feather- duster instead of a knuckle-duster. Three-Fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower had a razor in his shoe whilst “Pauly” Bally wandered around muttering to everyone “I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you ? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you ? What do you mean funny, funny how ? How am I funny ?” which put everyone a little bit on edge. The final member of the crew was Johnny “Blue Eyes” Callender who was the baby-faced assassin for the evening.
Like all good heists this one started with the flipping of a coin and the moving of several ten gallon tanks of illicit moonshine across the Bedfordshire border under the very noses of the Feds. “Don” Prefab opted to bat first but after a meeting with the family lawyer and a ceremony involving a pistol, a knife and the image of a saint he sent out “Mumbles” and “Bullet” in a change to the usual opening pair. “Mumbles” (32* in 12) was off to the races right from the start whilst “Bullet” (28* in 16) took slightly longer for his roulette wheel to start spinning. We were 65-0 in 5 overs and the Pops were yelling for mercy, particularly after “Bullet” whipped a stiletto of a straight drive and took off the bowler’s fingers before whacking the cop on the back wall for good measure. This was scary stuff and even a code of silence wasn’t going to stop the men from Sicily. “Blue Eyes” (30* in 15) found a tommy gun and continued the St. Valentine’s day massacre and he was joined by “Leroy” Makower (20 in 8) who was the only casualty after he was betrayed by a poor call and then run out at a turnpike toll booth. Capo “Don” (22* in 9) then extorted further payments as he was joined by “Big Pauly” who had just completed a “ten-stretch” at the Big House after being found guilty of taking a pinch when the heat was on and the hooch was so hot it was steaming. Bear that in mind the next time you’re asked by “Big Pauly” to lend him a tenner and can he watch the first session of the Test match at your place. 166-1 was a match winning total and The Colts were looking to close out the league season in Las Vegas style. We were there all week – try the veal.
“Leroy” (2.1-0-7-2) took a wicket in the first over, caught by “Bullet” and “Big Pauly” (3-0-20-2) was bowling himself back in to some form. “Pauly” had a rough time of it last game out and he was heard before the Dads’ innings whispering to Capo “Don” “I swear on the lives of my children, give me one last chance to redeem myself and I will sin no more”. How can you argue with that ? The Dads went down swinging but only “Big Rob” (27 in 28) really found the back wall as the others were intent on trying to hit the ball up through the roof. The Colts took 3 catches off Rick O’Sheas (that well known Irish gangster) and the court was turning in to Hell’s Kitchen as the score fell to 55-4 in 7 overs. The Colts were untouchable and the Pops had brought a knife to a gun-fight as Capo “Don” snaffled a good one down the leg-side before the batter could even say “You dirty rat”. By now the Dads were on the road to perdition and it would take more than a hoodlum loan shark with a billy club to sort things out. “Pauly” was heard to say “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” – whatever that meant.
In the final scene, the police surrounded the building and Capo “Don” called on the Dads to surrender but the Dads decided to fight it out. The police fired tear gas in to the office but the Dads managed to escape. All the evil henchmen were then shot by the police when they tried to give themselves up. Capo “Don” climbed to the top of a gigantic, globe-shaped gas storage tank with the league title shield clasped in his hands and shouted "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (roll closing credits).
MoM : Despite “Mumbles” voting for himself the family decided that the most worthy villain of the piece was three-fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower with 20 & 2.1-0-7-2.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : PART 2 - LEAGUE : 23/11/10
A long time ago, in a Dairy Milk far, far away…it is a period of uncivil war. Rebel Colts, striking from a hidden base, have won consecutive victories against evil foes in the Vets division of the Outer Rim Indoor Cricket league. The last bastion with an unbeaten record were Flamstead who we had beaten well in the Intergalactic Cup the week before. Captain “Flash – Aha – He’ll Save Every One of Us” Prefab had his team in hyper-drive and at warp speed as they took one further giant leap towards a cosmic “Double”. Along for the trek were David “R2D2” Whiteley, Andrew “Ming the Merciless” Hedges, Mike “Captain, I Cannae Hold Her - She’s Gonna Blow” Howard, Stephen “Uranus” Ball and Simon “Bones” Williams. All we needed were some dilithium crystals and remember that this was a group that had done the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsepts (whatever the Hell that means).
With phasers set to stun the crowd, Captain “Flash” showed stern, Kirk-ish leadership ability by telling his team that his intention was to sweep the local atmosphere for impurities (Redbourn spies) and then bowl. One by one each member of the crew showed mutinous tendencies by saying that we should bat. “Flash” bottled it like a Vulcan drinking vodka shots and agreed to bat despite a recent personal record that would make a Wookie blush (if you could tell). “Flash” (37* in 19) actually did OK after whopping out his light sabre but he was perilously close to being run out in the second over as Mr. Spock in the commentary booth called the decision at the non-striker’s end “illogical”. “R2D2” (13 in 13) was struggling to get going after a good run of form and he fell to a soft catch after driving a straight 6. “Scotty” Howard (44* in 20) was hot like a nova and he set pulses racing before retiring to leave “Bones” (15 in 7), “Ming” (13 in 4) and “Uranus” (8 in 2) to take aim at the back wall like shooting wamp-rats in the swamp back home. “Ming” jabba’d one asteroid over Saturn’s outer rings for an 8 using his new improved Bradbury-blaster before admitting afterwards that “I didn’t really get hold of it”. The Colts are peerless in this form of the game at accelerating and 61-1 after 6 overs was followed by taking 88 from the last 6 to post an imposing 149-4. Like the Death Star on a Saturday night this was enough to frighten anyone especially with the Imperial Guard loosening up to bowl.
Flamstead’s innings was the perfect example of the Colts’ potency in this form of the game. Putting away his sonic screw-driver, Captain “Flash” threw the ball to his opening daleks to “exterminate” the Flamstead top order. Before you could say “Saucy, young, ginger minx side-kick who Bally may fancy” it was 15-4 and the match was over. “Scotty” (3-0-11-2) warped one opener third ball and the next two followed with catches to the ‘keeper, one easy and one decent (like space vixen sisters) whilst the fourth was caught by “R2D2” at the wall. The batsmen’s totals at this stage were 0,0,5,2 which coincidentally is the dialling code for Pluto. “Ming” (33-0-18-1) also had a decent figure like Princess Leia in the gold bikini. The Colts’ total by this stage was “to Infinity and Beyond” for Flamstead and it was left to “Mark” (26* in 27) and skipper “Graham” (26* in 18) to fend off the remaining overs. Well, when I say fend off, that would be doing the “Uranus” second over a major injustice. By the wrath of Khan, skipper “Graham” decided that someone was going to pay for the blowing up of his entire planet and “Uranus” was the bowler of choice. It was as if the back wall had a tractor beam as the asteroid was fizzed back with interest. Of course this can happen to any spinner on any given day but you have to be careful if you then decide to whizz back a photon torpedo in the general direction of the batsman at the end of the over. It wasn’t as if “Graham” was even wearing a tactical re-con battle helmet and he watched “Uranus” behave very Un-Obi-Wan-Kenobi-like by throwing his space-bricks out of the starship. An inter-galactic incident was avoided with the usual diplomacy from “Flash”. Flamstead hit the end credits at 83-4 preventing a few bonus points but if they thought it was all yoda……it very nearly is now.
MoM: Captain “Flash” moonraked his way in to contention but “Scotty” Howard moonwalked the decision with 44* and 3-0-11-2.
With phasers set to stun the crowd, Captain “Flash” showed stern, Kirk-ish leadership ability by telling his team that his intention was to sweep the local atmosphere for impurities (Redbourn spies) and then bowl. One by one each member of the crew showed mutinous tendencies by saying that we should bat. “Flash” bottled it like a Vulcan drinking vodka shots and agreed to bat despite a recent personal record that would make a Wookie blush (if you could tell). “Flash” (37* in 19) actually did OK after whopping out his light sabre but he was perilously close to being run out in the second over as Mr. Spock in the commentary booth called the decision at the non-striker’s end “illogical”. “R2D2” (13 in 13) was struggling to get going after a good run of form and he fell to a soft catch after driving a straight 6. “Scotty” Howard (44* in 20) was hot like a nova and he set pulses racing before retiring to leave “Bones” (15 in 7), “Ming” (13 in 4) and “Uranus” (8 in 2) to take aim at the back wall like shooting wamp-rats in the swamp back home. “Ming” jabba’d one asteroid over Saturn’s outer rings for an 8 using his new improved Bradbury-blaster before admitting afterwards that “I didn’t really get hold of it”. The Colts are peerless in this form of the game at accelerating and 61-1 after 6 overs was followed by taking 88 from the last 6 to post an imposing 149-4. Like the Death Star on a Saturday night this was enough to frighten anyone especially with the Imperial Guard loosening up to bowl.
Flamstead’s innings was the perfect example of the Colts’ potency in this form of the game. Putting away his sonic screw-driver, Captain “Flash” threw the ball to his opening daleks to “exterminate” the Flamstead top order. Before you could say “Saucy, young, ginger minx side-kick who Bally may fancy” it was 15-4 and the match was over. “Scotty” (3-0-11-2) warped one opener third ball and the next two followed with catches to the ‘keeper, one easy and one decent (like space vixen sisters) whilst the fourth was caught by “R2D2” at the wall. The batsmen’s totals at this stage were 0,0,5,2 which coincidentally is the dialling code for Pluto. “Ming” (33-0-18-1) also had a decent figure like Princess Leia in the gold bikini. The Colts’ total by this stage was “to Infinity and Beyond” for Flamstead and it was left to “Mark” (26* in 27) and skipper “Graham” (26* in 18) to fend off the remaining overs. Well, when I say fend off, that would be doing the “Uranus” second over a major injustice. By the wrath of Khan, skipper “Graham” decided that someone was going to pay for the blowing up of his entire planet and “Uranus” was the bowler of choice. It was as if the back wall had a tractor beam as the asteroid was fizzed back with interest. Of course this can happen to any spinner on any given day but you have to be careful if you then decide to whizz back a photon torpedo in the general direction of the batsman at the end of the over. It wasn’t as if “Graham” was even wearing a tactical re-con battle helmet and he watched “Uranus” behave very Un-Obi-Wan-Kenobi-like by throwing his space-bricks out of the starship. An inter-galactic incident was avoided with the usual diplomacy from “Flash”. Flamstead hit the end credits at 83-4 preventing a few bonus points but if they thought it was all yoda……it very nearly is now.
MoM: Captain “Flash” moonraked his way in to contention but “Scotty” Howard moonwalked the decision with 44* and 3-0-11-2.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : PART 1 - CUP SEMI-FINAL : 18/11/10
The Colts went to the pub with Flamstead last night for a good old fashioned “Knees up Mother Brown”. One team was going to drink the other under the table and with “The Yard of Hedge” on our side we were fairly confident that Flamstead would be the ones chucking up in a dumpster in a couple of hours’ time. Being a vets team we were looking for somewhere with a quiet ambience, log fire, no juke-box and no students drinking out of goldfish bowls with 43 straws. The sort of pub where Pete Makower can smoke his pipe and have his shotgun broken over his knee in the comfort of an antique armchair with Bally lying asleep at his feet in a basket. The Colts team was the usual mix of mild and bitter. Capt. “Aftershock” Prefab was looking to get back amongst the runs. Mike “Whisky” MacHoward had brought his own hip flask. John “Page 3” Callender had brought his own hips. David “Half of Bitter” Whiteley was in his cups whilst “The Yard of Hedge” and Simon “Champagne” Williams were hoping to pop the odd cork if things went well.
We had heard a lot about Flamstead this winter as they are up at the bar with us in the league and they were expected to be tough opponents as we took them on at billiards followed by a round of darts and a game of spoof. The early drinking was going to be with the Colts asked to bat after a coin toss at the quiz machine that took a confusing turn as it took both captains several moments at the introduction before they realised that they were both named Graham/Graeme. Not for nothing had these two been elected to senior office and neither had the excuse of having had a drink yet. So with cocktails shaken and the Colts openers stirred it was Capt. “Aftershock” (10 in 4) and “Half a Bitter” who strode out to sip the first slow comfortable screw up against the wall of the evening. “Half of Bitter” (41* in 24) is in a tremendous run of form at the moment and his dash of tonic was just what the doctor ordered as his drinking partner slid off his stool in the 2nd over being caught and bowled. The Colts batting has consistently out-pernod everyone this season but we were not getting the drinks in tonight as “MacHoward” (15 in 10) played on, “The Yard of Hedge” (3 in 5) was well caught and bowled and “Champagne Willy” was run out in a mix up. Before anyone could strike up a chord on the ol’ piano in the corner it was left to “Page 3” (21* in 14) to show a bit of graft and experience in getting his team to 131-4. Those before him may have held a bat like a slice of lemon but “Page 3” wielded it like a pub landlord taking charge of the TV remote and it proved to be a vital innings. It is also worth noting that whilst they were good the Flamstead Sambucas gave up 33 wides. On the balcony Capt. “Aftershock” (I’m hoping that name might catch on y’know) said to “Champagne Willy”: “Well, we’re in a game now. We’d better bowl well”.
As it happened we bowled very well.
The captain saw no reason to clean out the crisp rack so he stuck with the usual flavours of the cheese ‘n’ onion from “MacHoward” and the prawn cocktail of “The Yard of Hedge” whilst opening a bag of “Wotsits” on the table during the “Full Court Press” dictated by the Powerade regulations. We were spicy “Bloody Mary” with a dash of tabasco hot right from the start. “MacHoward” (3-0-14-2) bounced one out to be caught by “the Yard” in tribute to his fielding hero, Monty Panesar. He also castlemained the No. 3 with a peach schnapps of an in-ducker that was just too good. By the time “The Yard” skulled a stumping, Flamstead were flummoxed at 26-3 off 4 overs and were going to struggle to keep up with the rate if they made it to closing time. The Colts were sharp like a three month old bottle of German table wine and only “Matt” (28 in 23) was able to sip sweetly from the schooner of success as he retired to the snug. “Champagne” (0-28) was gin slinging down some genuine fizz and made a run out before “Half of Bitter” delivered the crème de menthe. The opposition skipper (called Graham if memory serves) swung and missed at one in a straight glass and was bowled but what was needed was a “Royal Lochnagar” of a moment to complete the triumph. “Half a Bitter” pocketed the little package he’d got from that machine in the men’s toilets, zipped himself up and sent down one final slippery nipple at the returning “Matt”. What followed was enough to make anyone feel as tipsy as a typist at the office Christmas party. “Matt” stella’d the ball towards the midwicket wall where “MacHoward” had crept up tighter than a PVC nurse’s uniform in Newcastle on a Saturday night. With the ball almost behind him Mike threw himself down like he’d seen a pound on the floor and picked up the ball one handed and inches from the carpet. Breathtaking stuff.
Flamstead were gracious in defeat and it was good to put in such a performance in front of the watching Redbourn and Final.
MoM : Yorkshire’s finest. A lot of bottle from “Half of Bitter” Whiteley (41* and 2-14) as the man who put the “lower” in to “Lowenbrau”. Follow the Bear !!!
We had heard a lot about Flamstead this winter as they are up at the bar with us in the league and they were expected to be tough opponents as we took them on at billiards followed by a round of darts and a game of spoof. The early drinking was going to be with the Colts asked to bat after a coin toss at the quiz machine that took a confusing turn as it took both captains several moments at the introduction before they realised that they were both named Graham/Graeme. Not for nothing had these two been elected to senior office and neither had the excuse of having had a drink yet. So with cocktails shaken and the Colts openers stirred it was Capt. “Aftershock” (10 in 4) and “Half a Bitter” who strode out to sip the first slow comfortable screw up against the wall of the evening. “Half of Bitter” (41* in 24) is in a tremendous run of form at the moment and his dash of tonic was just what the doctor ordered as his drinking partner slid off his stool in the 2nd over being caught and bowled. The Colts batting has consistently out-pernod everyone this season but we were not getting the drinks in tonight as “MacHoward” (15 in 10) played on, “The Yard of Hedge” (3 in 5) was well caught and bowled and “Champagne Willy” was run out in a mix up. Before anyone could strike up a chord on the ol’ piano in the corner it was left to “Page 3” (21* in 14) to show a bit of graft and experience in getting his team to 131-4. Those before him may have held a bat like a slice of lemon but “Page 3” wielded it like a pub landlord taking charge of the TV remote and it proved to be a vital innings. It is also worth noting that whilst they were good the Flamstead Sambucas gave up 33 wides. On the balcony Capt. “Aftershock” (I’m hoping that name might catch on y’know) said to “Champagne Willy”: “Well, we’re in a game now. We’d better bowl well”.
As it happened we bowled very well.
The captain saw no reason to clean out the crisp rack so he stuck with the usual flavours of the cheese ‘n’ onion from “MacHoward” and the prawn cocktail of “The Yard of Hedge” whilst opening a bag of “Wotsits” on the table during the “Full Court Press” dictated by the Powerade regulations. We were spicy “Bloody Mary” with a dash of tabasco hot right from the start. “MacHoward” (3-0-14-2) bounced one out to be caught by “the Yard” in tribute to his fielding hero, Monty Panesar. He also castlemained the No. 3 with a peach schnapps of an in-ducker that was just too good. By the time “The Yard” skulled a stumping, Flamstead were flummoxed at 26-3 off 4 overs and were going to struggle to keep up with the rate if they made it to closing time. The Colts were sharp like a three month old bottle of German table wine and only “Matt” (28 in 23) was able to sip sweetly from the schooner of success as he retired to the snug. “Champagne” (0-28) was gin slinging down some genuine fizz and made a run out before “Half of Bitter” delivered the crème de menthe. The opposition skipper (called Graham if memory serves) swung and missed at one in a straight glass and was bowled but what was needed was a “Royal Lochnagar” of a moment to complete the triumph. “Half a Bitter” pocketed the little package he’d got from that machine in the men’s toilets, zipped himself up and sent down one final slippery nipple at the returning “Matt”. What followed was enough to make anyone feel as tipsy as a typist at the office Christmas party. “Matt” stella’d the ball towards the midwicket wall where “MacHoward” had crept up tighter than a PVC nurse’s uniform in Newcastle on a Saturday night. With the ball almost behind him Mike threw himself down like he’d seen a pound on the floor and picked up the ball one handed and inches from the carpet. Breathtaking stuff.
Flamstead were gracious in defeat and it was good to put in such a performance in front of the watching Redbourn and Final.
MoM : Yorkshire’s finest. A lot of bottle from “Half of Bitter” Whiteley (41* and 2-14) as the man who put the “lower” in to “Lowenbrau”. Follow the Bear !!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
THE COLTS V. TOTTERNHOE : 16/11/10
It was the announcement that the entire country had been waiting for. The Prince of Colts had gone down on one knee, stuck a familiar ring on the proffered finger and then taken the good men of Totternhoe right up the aisle. By Royal assent the engagement was delivered to the good men of the associated press as the two sides declared their love for each other and discussed plans for a right royal knees up.
“King Prefab of the Netherlands” was accompanied by David “Warden of the Royal Privy” Whiteley, Prince “Randy Andy” Hedges, Peter “The Orb” Makower, Mike “The Duke of Glasgow” Howard and Steve “Princess Margaret” Ball in a line-up dripping with in-bred but noble blood. Grandmas in Swindon were beside themselves with questions like what dress designer did “Princess Margaret” Ball prefer and would he be wearing white ? Would “The Duke of Glasgow” insult all of the foreigners and did “King Prefab” know how to drive through a tunnel after the post match pint of lager without running in to a supporting concrete post ? Would “Randy Andy” arrive by helicopter at the tax-payers’ expense ? Did “The Orb” need a damn good polish ?
Totternhoe were demure and bashful as they offered to bowl first upon winning the toss but their opening overs were testing and well directed like the Queen Mother attempting to locate the drinks cabinet. The Totts kept wides to a decent number (they bettered The Colts by 16 to 34) and quickly beheaded “King Prefab” (11 in 6) as he took off for one of the most ill-advised ventures since The Crusades by running a quick one slowly as he hit the ball straight back to a fielder. This left “The Warden” (46* in 22) and “The Thin White Duke” (40 in 18) to put on a formidable partnership of 52 in brilliant time even though the Totts kept their discipline with the ball. Both knights were retired to allow “Randy Andy” (7 in 7) and “Princess Margaret” (28* in 11) to indulge in a close relationship that may have caused a huge scandal in another time and place but worked very well here until “Margaret” pulled the rug from “Randy Andy’s” head and left him high, bald, dry and run out. Like Prince Charles, “The Orb” (3 in 2) had waited a lifetime to be anointed but he did not get a chance to rule for long before he was cruelly caught short backing-up like a corgi with a stomach complaint. By now the Totts had kept the Colts to 25 in the last 3 overs but “The Duke” then unleashed the crown jewels of his full range of strokes. The penultimate over went for 26 and the last one for 17 as The Prince of Colts mounted Zara Phillips’ horse (careful) and drank deeply from the stirrup cup of glory posting a regal target of 155-4.
Totternhoe’s hopes of a “Peasants’ Revolt” were halted with a superlative bowling performance. Despite the high and wide count of 34 there was menace in almost every delivery and “The Duke” (0-12) and “Randy Andy” (1-21) in particular swung the ball round courtiers and made the ball jump disconcertingly like Edward Longshanks at the sight of a hairy Scot. “The Orb” (0-17) had already proved miserly in a state opening that included an excellent stumping down the leg-side by “King Prefab” off “Randy” and some sound ground fielding. “Tim the Terrible” (25* in 24) hung around well although the run-rate was climbing and The Colts were unable to take the extra wickets they hoped for. The Totts closed at 87-3 with The Colts putting in arguably their best performance of the season as they stay neck-and-neck with Flamstead….just as Henry VIII would like it.
The Colts now have back-to-back matches against Flamstead as the season climaxes like Prince William and Kate Middleton as they……….(nope, I’m not going to The Tower by finishing that one).
MoM: Could be almost anyone but “The Warden of the Royal Privy” takes this one for a gutsy personal performance.
“King Prefab of the Netherlands” was accompanied by David “Warden of the Royal Privy” Whiteley, Prince “Randy Andy” Hedges, Peter “The Orb” Makower, Mike “The Duke of Glasgow” Howard and Steve “Princess Margaret” Ball in a line-up dripping with in-bred but noble blood. Grandmas in Swindon were beside themselves with questions like what dress designer did “Princess Margaret” Ball prefer and would he be wearing white ? Would “The Duke of Glasgow” insult all of the foreigners and did “King Prefab” know how to drive through a tunnel after the post match pint of lager without running in to a supporting concrete post ? Would “Randy Andy” arrive by helicopter at the tax-payers’ expense ? Did “The Orb” need a damn good polish ?
Totternhoe were demure and bashful as they offered to bowl first upon winning the toss but their opening overs were testing and well directed like the Queen Mother attempting to locate the drinks cabinet. The Totts kept wides to a decent number (they bettered The Colts by 16 to 34) and quickly beheaded “King Prefab” (11 in 6) as he took off for one of the most ill-advised ventures since The Crusades by running a quick one slowly as he hit the ball straight back to a fielder. This left “The Warden” (46* in 22) and “The Thin White Duke” (40 in 18) to put on a formidable partnership of 52 in brilliant time even though the Totts kept their discipline with the ball. Both knights were retired to allow “Randy Andy” (7 in 7) and “Princess Margaret” (28* in 11) to indulge in a close relationship that may have caused a huge scandal in another time and place but worked very well here until “Margaret” pulled the rug from “Randy Andy’s” head and left him high, bald, dry and run out. Like Prince Charles, “The Orb” (3 in 2) had waited a lifetime to be anointed but he did not get a chance to rule for long before he was cruelly caught short backing-up like a corgi with a stomach complaint. By now the Totts had kept the Colts to 25 in the last 3 overs but “The Duke” then unleashed the crown jewels of his full range of strokes. The penultimate over went for 26 and the last one for 17 as The Prince of Colts mounted Zara Phillips’ horse (careful) and drank deeply from the stirrup cup of glory posting a regal target of 155-4.
Totternhoe’s hopes of a “Peasants’ Revolt” were halted with a superlative bowling performance. Despite the high and wide count of 34 there was menace in almost every delivery and “The Duke” (0-12) and “Randy Andy” (1-21) in particular swung the ball round courtiers and made the ball jump disconcertingly like Edward Longshanks at the sight of a hairy Scot. “The Orb” (0-17) had already proved miserly in a state opening that included an excellent stumping down the leg-side by “King Prefab” off “Randy” and some sound ground fielding. “Tim the Terrible” (25* in 24) hung around well although the run-rate was climbing and The Colts were unable to take the extra wickets they hoped for. The Totts closed at 87-3 with The Colts putting in arguably their best performance of the season as they stay neck-and-neck with Flamstead….just as Henry VIII would like it.
The Colts now have back-to-back matches against Flamstead as the season climaxes like Prince William and Kate Middleton as they……….(nope, I’m not going to The Tower by finishing that one).
MoM: Could be almost anyone but “The Warden of the Royal Privy” takes this one for a gutsy personal performance.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
THE COLTS V. FROGMORE : 9/11/10
The Democrat Colts lined up against the Republican Frogs at the Redbournville Superdome for Monday Night Football played in fact on any given Tuesday evening (and usually at 9pm). There were tail-gate parties and a motorcade on Wall Street although President “Obama” Prefab did look a little nervously at the grassy knoll and the book depository building as he drove to the venue. Perhaps “Air Force 1” would have been a better bet but it’s not easy trying to slip in to Luton airport unannounced when you’re accompanied by four F-16’s and a stealth bomber plus Hilary Clinton. David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne had even brought a cheerleader with him although the very lovely Daphne looked to have left her pom poms at home as she took her place on the balcony. It has to be said that it was turning in to a worrying evening for President “Prefab” as after grassy knolls, the next thing on a President’s list of favourite things to avoid is balconies at evening entertainment events as people have a habit of popping in and assassinating you before the end of the first act (or innings) but mercifully John Wilkes Booth stayed in the bar watching the soccer on TV. Flanked by his bodyguards “The Prez” called badly and lost the vote on his Healthcare reforms as well as being asked to step up to bat at the top of the first inning.
The very offensive line for the Colts was made up in full from “The Prez”, David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne, Simon “Baked Alaska” Williams, David “Viva Las Vegas” Whiteley, Steve “Sweet Georgia” Ball and “Mississipete” Makower. Lining up on the other side of the pigskin were the Frogs who had arrived by helicopter gun-ship (to the theme tune to “Ride of the Valkyries”) and from the warm up looked to have a decent bowling attack. It was time to enter the playing area and put bat to ball as the Colts openers entered the strike zone for the initial power-play. The Frogs lined up in the slot formation with two tight-ends and a free safety in a “hurry-up” defence using the time-out at the 2 minute warning. “The Prez” (43* in 15 balls) and “Viva Las Vegas” (32* in 19) made an early declaration of independence and a super-size Hawaii 5-3 was on the board by the 4th over with “The Prez” retired to the Starsky & Hutch. In truth there was very little wrong with the Frogs pitching from the mound but runs were still coming freely like fries with a cheeseburger and “Sweet Georgia” Ball (26* in 14) delighted as his milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. “Baked Alaska” (10 in 5) was run out in a Boston Tea Party of a miscommunication with “Viva Las Vegas” and it will be some time before these two attend any sort of party together again. “Ol’ Man Mississipete” (12 in 5) then jumped on the paddle-steamer and burned through the everglades closely pursued by Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane in a patrol car but “The Duke of Hazard” (6 in 5) could only add a few more before he was deemed to be plumb FBI. “Mississipete” caused some consternation by handing his ol’ granpappy’s male protector to “The Prez” in the cage, leaving “The Prez” to comment, much like Robert Duval in “Apocalypse Now !” : “I love the smell of Pete Makower in the evening”. “The Prez” got back in to the West Wing for a few extra runs at the end and The Colts were delighted to have again achieved a score in excess of 160 despite another attempt by the opposition to use the “Full Court Press” fielding technique.
The Frogs were undoubtedly relying on “Lee Harvey” Craig (13 in 6) but he was run out by the CIA in an undercover “Black Op” involving a conspiracy theory, a magic bullet, Richard Nixon, Al Capone, Area 51 and a quick return throw to the bowler’s end as Craig tripped over his own feet. All the Colt quarterbacks had a good evening but particularly the leg-spinning Butch & Sundance of “The Duke” (3 overs, 0-6) and “Baked Alaska” (2 overs, 1-4) as Frogmore caught the Hill Street Blues with not many on the board for plenty of outs. It was left to General “Stonewall” Rob (3 in 21) to use his bat like the Hoover Dam in trying to keep The Colts at bay and avoid a Frogman Missile Crisis but rather than a cold war this turned in to a comfortably warm win. The Dow Jones index for The Colts’ prospects this season remains reassuringly buoyant.
MoM : “The Prez” for 43* in 15 balls. Surely destined for the Hall of Fame plus he’s the leader of the free world.
The very offensive line for the Colts was made up in full from “The Prez”, David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne, Simon “Baked Alaska” Williams, David “Viva Las Vegas” Whiteley, Steve “Sweet Georgia” Ball and “Mississipete” Makower. Lining up on the other side of the pigskin were the Frogs who had arrived by helicopter gun-ship (to the theme tune to “Ride of the Valkyries”) and from the warm up looked to have a decent bowling attack. It was time to enter the playing area and put bat to ball as the Colts openers entered the strike zone for the initial power-play. The Frogs lined up in the slot formation with two tight-ends and a free safety in a “hurry-up” defence using the time-out at the 2 minute warning. “The Prez” (43* in 15 balls) and “Viva Las Vegas” (32* in 19) made an early declaration of independence and a super-size Hawaii 5-3 was on the board by the 4th over with “The Prez” retired to the Starsky & Hutch. In truth there was very little wrong with the Frogs pitching from the mound but runs were still coming freely like fries with a cheeseburger and “Sweet Georgia” Ball (26* in 14) delighted as his milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. “Baked Alaska” (10 in 5) was run out in a Boston Tea Party of a miscommunication with “Viva Las Vegas” and it will be some time before these two attend any sort of party together again. “Ol’ Man Mississipete” (12 in 5) then jumped on the paddle-steamer and burned through the everglades closely pursued by Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane in a patrol car but “The Duke of Hazard” (6 in 5) could only add a few more before he was deemed to be plumb FBI. “Mississipete” caused some consternation by handing his ol’ granpappy’s male protector to “The Prez” in the cage, leaving “The Prez” to comment, much like Robert Duval in “Apocalypse Now !” : “I love the smell of Pete Makower in the evening”. “The Prez” got back in to the West Wing for a few extra runs at the end and The Colts were delighted to have again achieved a score in excess of 160 despite another attempt by the opposition to use the “Full Court Press” fielding technique.
The Frogs were undoubtedly relying on “Lee Harvey” Craig (13 in 6) but he was run out by the CIA in an undercover “Black Op” involving a conspiracy theory, a magic bullet, Richard Nixon, Al Capone, Area 51 and a quick return throw to the bowler’s end as Craig tripped over his own feet. All the Colt quarterbacks had a good evening but particularly the leg-spinning Butch & Sundance of “The Duke” (3 overs, 0-6) and “Baked Alaska” (2 overs, 1-4) as Frogmore caught the Hill Street Blues with not many on the board for plenty of outs. It was left to General “Stonewall” Rob (3 in 21) to use his bat like the Hoover Dam in trying to keep The Colts at bay and avoid a Frogman Missile Crisis but rather than a cold war this turned in to a comfortably warm win. The Dow Jones index for The Colts’ prospects this season remains reassuringly buoyant.
MoM : “The Prez” for 43* in 15 balls. Surely destined for the Hall of Fame plus he’s the leader of the free world.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER : 2/11/10
Match report courtesy of the lead guitarist from U2 – “The Hedge”. Achtung Baby !
Report :-
So the Colts rolled into town once more, this time for an early start, once again up against the new boys for 2010 – St John Fisher, a side we beat comfortably in the Cup a few weeks back. Big changes to the team for this game. Capt “Prefab” was unavailable – apparently “busy” in town looking up colleagues’ skirts and pulling on his, sorry, their boas. No Mike, no Dave W, no John C. No SKY cameras either! So, Captain Bally stepped up to the plate, promptly fell over it, won the toss and stuck the oppo in. Gasps were heard all over Hertfordshire as he opted to open up with not one but two spinners. “Mange tout Rodney, mange tout” – Bally was heard to say….
Fisher came racing out of the blocks, posting 12 off the first over from “Third Degree” Byrne. “Pistol” Pete Mak soon saw an end to such frivolities though, firing ball after ball into the oppo’s pads at an alarming, albeit non-turning, rate. Such was his success though that his 3 overs of frugality helped leave Fisher with just 43 on the board at the half way stage, albeit for the loss of only one wicket. For the remaining 6 overs Fisher did their best to make it ever more easy for the Colts, their decision making when it came to running between the wickets not being of the most obvious quality. The Hedge’s levels of profanity increased commensurably with each squeezed edge for 3 runs. Bally bowled tidily (though went for plenty again) but between them they managed to get the only two wickets not to come from run outs - of which there were 3. Fisher’s opener – having retired early – came back almost as soon as he had sat down and crafted his way to a very respectable 54 not out. Fisher closed on 110-5; eminently get-able.
The old firm (I’m reliably informed they’re referred to as) opened up for Colts. Tim & Simon raced to 47 off 3 overs, Fisher contributing 30 of those via extras – 16 of which came off the 3rd over alone. Simon departed early in the 5th over for a solid 7 with the score on 51, Tim stroked his way to retirement, Hedge steadfastly played straight for a change and Bally came in and dispatched the ball to all parts – though mainly the back wall and somewhat agriculturally, it could be said. His left elbow has pointed higher, shall we say. With the scores tied in the 10th over Fisher sent down yet another wide to complete the match. 40 runs of our 111 target were donated by the opposition; an easy victory against a team who are still clearly finding their feet in the indoor format.
A special mention for Simon who offered up his services behind the stumps in the absence of Capt. “Prefab”. During the warm up the ball was ricocheting to all parts off his pads, arms, gloves – it didn’t bode well. Yet during the game – one hilariously misjudged attempt at a catch aside – he performed magnificently. He conceded just 3 byes - a top effort.
Man of the match was a toss up between “Pistol” and Hedge. Pete bowled flatter than an Icelandic landscape and was impossible to get away. Hedge was mercifully straighter than the previous week, picked up a wicket and got a few runs too. Through a combination of this, showing a pleasingly acceptable level of swearing at the batsmen plus the fact that I’ve written this whereas Bally just couldn’t be arsed, I make my myself MOM.
“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” in other words. And YES, Bally, we do all know a song like that.
Congrats to Capt. Ball for helping to maintain the 100% record. It was sooooooo quiet on the pitch this week……..?
MoM : “The Hedge” just for being there, writing the match report and using (or making up) words like “commensurably”. He could yet be to The Colts what Stephen Fry is to the English language, culture, gentle humour, wry tweeting, celibacy and polite society.
Report :-
So the Colts rolled into town once more, this time for an early start, once again up against the new boys for 2010 – St John Fisher, a side we beat comfortably in the Cup a few weeks back. Big changes to the team for this game. Capt “Prefab” was unavailable – apparently “busy” in town looking up colleagues’ skirts and pulling on his, sorry, their boas. No Mike, no Dave W, no John C. No SKY cameras either! So, Captain Bally stepped up to the plate, promptly fell over it, won the toss and stuck the oppo in. Gasps were heard all over Hertfordshire as he opted to open up with not one but two spinners. “Mange tout Rodney, mange tout” – Bally was heard to say….
Fisher came racing out of the blocks, posting 12 off the first over from “Third Degree” Byrne. “Pistol” Pete Mak soon saw an end to such frivolities though, firing ball after ball into the oppo’s pads at an alarming, albeit non-turning, rate. Such was his success though that his 3 overs of frugality helped leave Fisher with just 43 on the board at the half way stage, albeit for the loss of only one wicket. For the remaining 6 overs Fisher did their best to make it ever more easy for the Colts, their decision making when it came to running between the wickets not being of the most obvious quality. The Hedge’s levels of profanity increased commensurably with each squeezed edge for 3 runs. Bally bowled tidily (though went for plenty again) but between them they managed to get the only two wickets not to come from run outs - of which there were 3. Fisher’s opener – having retired early – came back almost as soon as he had sat down and crafted his way to a very respectable 54 not out. Fisher closed on 110-5; eminently get-able.
The old firm (I’m reliably informed they’re referred to as) opened up for Colts. Tim & Simon raced to 47 off 3 overs, Fisher contributing 30 of those via extras – 16 of which came off the 3rd over alone. Simon departed early in the 5th over for a solid 7 with the score on 51, Tim stroked his way to retirement, Hedge steadfastly played straight for a change and Bally came in and dispatched the ball to all parts – though mainly the back wall and somewhat agriculturally, it could be said. His left elbow has pointed higher, shall we say. With the scores tied in the 10th over Fisher sent down yet another wide to complete the match. 40 runs of our 111 target were donated by the opposition; an easy victory against a team who are still clearly finding their feet in the indoor format.
A special mention for Simon who offered up his services behind the stumps in the absence of Capt. “Prefab”. During the warm up the ball was ricocheting to all parts off his pads, arms, gloves – it didn’t bode well. Yet during the game – one hilariously misjudged attempt at a catch aside – he performed magnificently. He conceded just 3 byes - a top effort.
Man of the match was a toss up between “Pistol” and Hedge. Pete bowled flatter than an Icelandic landscape and was impossible to get away. Hedge was mercifully straighter than the previous week, picked up a wicket and got a few runs too. Through a combination of this, showing a pleasingly acceptable level of swearing at the batsmen plus the fact that I’ve written this whereas Bally just couldn’t be arsed, I make my myself MOM.
“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” in other words. And YES, Bally, we do all know a song like that.
Congrats to Capt. Ball for helping to maintain the 100% record. It was sooooooo quiet on the pitch this week……..?
MoM : “The Hedge” just for being there, writing the match report and using (or making up) words like “commensurably”. He could yet be to The Colts what Stephen Fry is to the English language, culture, gentle humour, wry tweeting, celibacy and polite society.
Friday, October 29, 2010
THE COLTS V. LONG MARSTON : 28/10/10
It was a dark and stormy night as the grisly spectre of The Undead Colts took on the Zombies of Long Marston in a battle from beyond the grave. At the abandoned manor house of the Choice Cricket Centre (complete with creaking door on rusty hinges) there was an eerie number of broomsticks in the car park (or broom park) as witches and wizards flocked to drop unspeakable bits of rat in to Peter “The Mad Axeman” Makower’s coffin.
“Axeman” was making his debut at this decapitated format of the game but in a side also containing “Baron Von Franken-Prefab”, Andrew “Uncle Feste” Hedges, David “Slash‘n” Byrne, David “Headless” Whiteley and John “The Vampire” Callendar. To complete the illusion of films from the horror genre, there was even a TV crew from the “Blighty” channel on Sky who had come down to film things for the shock value of watching a group of unsuspecting veterans set upon by a ravenous horde (well, most of us hadn’t eaten). It was going to be like the film “Cocoon” but in reverse – or so we hoped.
The red “Baron” took part in the toss of the severed body part and it correctly came down as a “head”. God knows what dismembered section of corpse would have come down if he’d called “tails”. Long Marston had looked pretty good in the warm-up so The Undead Colts elected to bowl as their opponents unpacked various scythes, swords, sickles and other sharp objects used to good effect if you are playing a cut shot. As the old grandfather clock in the corner struck 13, the pumpkin was thrown to “Headless” Whiteley for the first over. What followed was unfortunately a 6-ball, 18 run nightmare on Elm Street with more wides than there are chainsaws in Texas. “Slash” (2-6) took the next over and calm returned as a lovely over of leg spin brought just 1 run and a wicket for a catch by “The Vampire” off the side wall.
At this point Long Marston really topped themselves as if they knew that the villagers were already at the gates and the monster was never going to rise from the table no matter how much lightning was flashing across the night sky. “Slash” took a sharp caught and bowled and there were a couple of smooth run outs from “The Vampire” as he devoured the non-strikers on each occasion before they made it safe on to holy ground. Marston were deep in the mire and up to their necks in gore as 4 wickets fell before anyone even had a chance to say “I wonder what’s down here in this cellar where the lights don’t appear to work ?”. “The Mad Axeman” hadn’t even unsheathed his enormous weapon yet. Another run out and a “Headless” yorker meant that Marston were all out for just 67.
The Undead Colts were hoping that only the top order of the batting would be required. “Uncle Feste”, “The Axeman” and “Slash” were heard whispering “When shall we three meet again ?” over a cauldron as “Franken-Prefab” and “Headless” (13* in 11) strapped on their pads and marched out to bat holding an iron cross, a clove of garlic and a wooden stake. Martin “Van Helsing” of Long Marston took the first over and it was quickly apparent that the skull being used really did have all of the bounce of a dead cat. “Igor Von Franken-Prefab” was scoreless from 4 balls and was then hit worryingly plumb in front as he tried to play that awful, blood-curdling, nurdle-round-the-corner shot that he never hits. An appeal like a banshee rent the air as ravens scattered from trees and the Marstonites were convinced that they’d drawn blood. It can only be assumed that the umpire was also a zombie and that his index finger had been gnawed off by a rat as the digit of doom was not revealed and “Von Franken-Prefab” (25* in 20) finally made it to the cage by the 5th over. Of course the umpire may also have been put off by the batsman’s head rotating round 360 degrees whist spewing out vomit. Just a thought. The Marstonites knew the game was up by then as 29 extras followed and The Undead Colts romped home for just the cruel loss of “The Vampire” who expired in a shaft of sunlight attempting a quick single.
Afterwards, the Marston captain could be heard saying under his breath : “We would have won too if it hadn’t been for that LBW and you pesky kids”.
MoM : David “Slash’n” Byrne (3-0-6-2) for a bewitching spell of evil leg spin.
“Axeman” was making his debut at this decapitated format of the game but in a side also containing “Baron Von Franken-Prefab”, Andrew “Uncle Feste” Hedges, David “Slash‘n” Byrne, David “Headless” Whiteley and John “The Vampire” Callendar. To complete the illusion of films from the horror genre, there was even a TV crew from the “Blighty” channel on Sky who had come down to film things for the shock value of watching a group of unsuspecting veterans set upon by a ravenous horde (well, most of us hadn’t eaten). It was going to be like the film “Cocoon” but in reverse – or so we hoped.
The red “Baron” took part in the toss of the severed body part and it correctly came down as a “head”. God knows what dismembered section of corpse would have come down if he’d called “tails”. Long Marston had looked pretty good in the warm-up so The Undead Colts elected to bowl as their opponents unpacked various scythes, swords, sickles and other sharp objects used to good effect if you are playing a cut shot. As the old grandfather clock in the corner struck 13, the pumpkin was thrown to “Headless” Whiteley for the first over. What followed was unfortunately a 6-ball, 18 run nightmare on Elm Street with more wides than there are chainsaws in Texas. “Slash” (2-6) took the next over and calm returned as a lovely over of leg spin brought just 1 run and a wicket for a catch by “The Vampire” off the side wall.
At this point Long Marston really topped themselves as if they knew that the villagers were already at the gates and the monster was never going to rise from the table no matter how much lightning was flashing across the night sky. “Slash” took a sharp caught and bowled and there were a couple of smooth run outs from “The Vampire” as he devoured the non-strikers on each occasion before they made it safe on to holy ground. Marston were deep in the mire and up to their necks in gore as 4 wickets fell before anyone even had a chance to say “I wonder what’s down here in this cellar where the lights don’t appear to work ?”. “The Mad Axeman” hadn’t even unsheathed his enormous weapon yet. Another run out and a “Headless” yorker meant that Marston were all out for just 67.
The Undead Colts were hoping that only the top order of the batting would be required. “Uncle Feste”, “The Axeman” and “Slash” were heard whispering “When shall we three meet again ?” over a cauldron as “Franken-Prefab” and “Headless” (13* in 11) strapped on their pads and marched out to bat holding an iron cross, a clove of garlic and a wooden stake. Martin “Van Helsing” of Long Marston took the first over and it was quickly apparent that the skull being used really did have all of the bounce of a dead cat. “Igor Von Franken-Prefab” was scoreless from 4 balls and was then hit worryingly plumb in front as he tried to play that awful, blood-curdling, nurdle-round-the-corner shot that he never hits. An appeal like a banshee rent the air as ravens scattered from trees and the Marstonites were convinced that they’d drawn blood. It can only be assumed that the umpire was also a zombie and that his index finger had been gnawed off by a rat as the digit of doom was not revealed and “Von Franken-Prefab” (25* in 20) finally made it to the cage by the 5th over. Of course the umpire may also have been put off by the batsman’s head rotating round 360 degrees whist spewing out vomit. Just a thought. The Marstonites knew the game was up by then as 29 extras followed and The Undead Colts romped home for just the cruel loss of “The Vampire” who expired in a shaft of sunlight attempting a quick single.
Afterwards, the Marston captain could be heard saying under his breath : “We would have won too if it hadn’t been for that LBW and you pesky kids”.
MoM : David “Slash’n” Byrne (3-0-6-2) for a bewitching spell of evil leg spin.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : 19/10/10
The Colts were back in the operating theatre of league action looking to surgically remove plenty of points from a frail “Nil by Mouth” looking Bamville team. Enforced changes saw Captain “Dr. Jekyll” Prefab select young locum Paul “Dr. Kildare” Goodwin to keep wicket with “Dr. John H. Watson” Callendar, Steve “Medicine” Ball, David “Serious Byrnes Unit“ and David “Grumbling Appendix” Whiteley to make up the side. Donning gowns, masks and gloves before making themselves sterile (in the medical sense, no that’s even worse: in the operating sense – that’s better) the Colts batting line up got ready to perform the Heinrich Heimlich manouevre by taking the first blow to the head.
“Dr. Jekyll” (35 in 13 balls) and “The Appendix” (35* in 19) are a solid opening partnership and have been consulting with each other and charging huge fees in the private sector for years. This procedure was no different as Bam’s best bowler “Jeremy” (0-37) was sedated with little trouble and apart from a minor hiccough in the middle there were plenty of the runs which Bamville were unable to stop even after swallowing a large number of “Arret” capsules and glugging some Pepto-Bismol. The score-sheet, as usual, was as easy to read as a young intern’s prescription pad after a 19 hour shift. Around 70 was on the board by the halfway stage with “Medicine” (27* in 11) and “Dr. John H.” (24 in 13) popping pills and dropping tabs as the score climbed like the temperature from a thermometer stuck in a cup of tea by Sid James. “Dr. Kildare” and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” did not get in until the 10th over and were both out trying to push the score along but this left the openers to take the stitches out and re-enter the incision with enough time to add a further 17. At the end of a 12 over labour the score was a healthy, bouncing 152-4.
The crowd on the balcony by this time had swelled with the arrival of Mr. & Mrs. Sthetic and their daughter Anna as well as her aunty Septic. Mike Rosurgery had popped in to watch as well as Morgan Transplant and Dai Agnosis who had both travelled up from Wales for reasons that we need not go in to. Reggie Strar was also there and from Scandinavia there was Lars Toplast. As if they weren’t enough, even a Knight of the Realm had turned up but Sir Osis Oftheliver had to leave due to feeling unwell.
So, it was time for the Colts to ask Bamville to drop their trousers, turn sideways and cough at the same time as taking their temperature the old fashioned way. Some refer to this as enjoying a visit from an old friend with a cold nose but be that as it may, it was time for the twitching fingers of “The Serious Byrnes Unit” (1-28) to make the orange tumour (ball) talk. The bowling was as tight as Barbra Windsor’s nurse’s uniform. Much like Captain “Jekyll’s” lower extremities there was line, a goodly length (if one does say so oneself) and a complete absence of leg-side extras. Whilst the machine that goes “Ping !!” recorded that Bamville gave away 30 extras (including 24 in wides), The Colts gave up just 7 and 4 of them were in the second over.
“The Appendix” (1-28) was having a good game as was the young locum “Dr. Kildare”. Having aged several years during the week in order to qualify for the match it was helpful to have Paul jumping around behind the sticks and taking a quite extraordinarily balletic one-handed catch off “Medicine”. Not only was this an important breakthrough but it also made Captain “Jekyll” think seriously about retirement. “Dr. John H.” (1-25) administered to the sick with an LBW that nobody else appealed for and it was only the peculiarly named “Allwyn” (40) that kept Bamville in it. With his unblemished visage and lustrous black ringlets of virility framing his eternal youthfulness it was a relief when “The Appendix” injected him with tincture of iodine without the spoonful of sugar and amputated his bails (painful). The Colts were able to finally breathe easily as opening bat “Oliver” had retired hurt earlier on and was strapped to an MRI machine leaving The Bams at 99-5.
The Colts and Flamstead remain unbeaten and were drawn together in the Cup Semi-Final in the most low level, low key and low expense cup draw ever made over the bar using 4 bits or torn up paper, a biro and a beer mat.
MOM : “Dr. Jek” had a decent night as skip and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” bordered at times on unplayable but “The Grumbling Appendix” gets the nod for 35* and 1-28.
“Dr. Jekyll” (35 in 13 balls) and “The Appendix” (35* in 19) are a solid opening partnership and have been consulting with each other and charging huge fees in the private sector for years. This procedure was no different as Bam’s best bowler “Jeremy” (0-37) was sedated with little trouble and apart from a minor hiccough in the middle there were plenty of the runs which Bamville were unable to stop even after swallowing a large number of “Arret” capsules and glugging some Pepto-Bismol. The score-sheet, as usual, was as easy to read as a young intern’s prescription pad after a 19 hour shift. Around 70 was on the board by the halfway stage with “Medicine” (27* in 11) and “Dr. John H.” (24 in 13) popping pills and dropping tabs as the score climbed like the temperature from a thermometer stuck in a cup of tea by Sid James. “Dr. Kildare” and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” did not get in until the 10th over and were both out trying to push the score along but this left the openers to take the stitches out and re-enter the incision with enough time to add a further 17. At the end of a 12 over labour the score was a healthy, bouncing 152-4.
The crowd on the balcony by this time had swelled with the arrival of Mr. & Mrs. Sthetic and their daughter Anna as well as her aunty Septic. Mike Rosurgery had popped in to watch as well as Morgan Transplant and Dai Agnosis who had both travelled up from Wales for reasons that we need not go in to. Reggie Strar was also there and from Scandinavia there was Lars Toplast. As if they weren’t enough, even a Knight of the Realm had turned up but Sir Osis Oftheliver had to leave due to feeling unwell.
So, it was time for the Colts to ask Bamville to drop their trousers, turn sideways and cough at the same time as taking their temperature the old fashioned way. Some refer to this as enjoying a visit from an old friend with a cold nose but be that as it may, it was time for the twitching fingers of “The Serious Byrnes Unit” (1-28) to make the orange tumour (ball) talk. The bowling was as tight as Barbra Windsor’s nurse’s uniform. Much like Captain “Jekyll’s” lower extremities there was line, a goodly length (if one does say so oneself) and a complete absence of leg-side extras. Whilst the machine that goes “Ping !!” recorded that Bamville gave away 30 extras (including 24 in wides), The Colts gave up just 7 and 4 of them were in the second over.
“The Appendix” (1-28) was having a good game as was the young locum “Dr. Kildare”. Having aged several years during the week in order to qualify for the match it was helpful to have Paul jumping around behind the sticks and taking a quite extraordinarily balletic one-handed catch off “Medicine”. Not only was this an important breakthrough but it also made Captain “Jekyll” think seriously about retirement. “Dr. John H.” (1-25) administered to the sick with an LBW that nobody else appealed for and it was only the peculiarly named “Allwyn” (40) that kept Bamville in it. With his unblemished visage and lustrous black ringlets of virility framing his eternal youthfulness it was a relief when “The Appendix” injected him with tincture of iodine without the spoonful of sugar and amputated his bails (painful). The Colts were able to finally breathe easily as opening bat “Oliver” had retired hurt earlier on and was strapped to an MRI machine leaving The Bams at 99-5.
The Colts and Flamstead remain unbeaten and were drawn together in the Cup Semi-Final in the most low level, low key and low expense cup draw ever made over the bar using 4 bits or torn up paper, a biro and a beer mat.
MOM : “Dr. Jek” had a decent night as skip and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” bordered at times on unplayable but “The Grumbling Appendix” gets the nod for 35* and 1-28.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER (CUP) : 12/10/10
The Colts moseyed in to town for a high noon appointment at the Alamo Cricket Centre in Redbourn. Well, in fact we turned up at about 8.45pm for a cup match against St. John Fisher and none of us knows how to “mosey” but you get the idea of the widescreen picture (in Technicolor) that I’m going for. Cue the Sergio Leone music. The Magnificent Six was led by Captain “Rowdy” Prefab along with Steve “the ex-Outlaw Josie” Ball, David “Bannock” Byrne, Andrew “Yul” Hedges, Simon “The Rumpo Kid” Williams and John “Sundance” Callendar. It was a case of the good, the bad, the ugly and then the other three (in no particular order). These boys had robbed their way from Utah to Oklahoma but the law just could not seem to track them down. And they served their legend well because the folks they loved to tell about when The Colts came to town (apologies to Billy Joel).
The friendly Fisher captain offered a whisky and rye and a free gob in to the spittoon as well as allowing “Rowdy” the chance to draw (bat) first but the skipper was having none of it and asked for the coin to be tossed. You can’t trust a bandit in a bandana in open country. Fisher won and The Colts were batting. The cup this year has an experimental “Power-play” rule that is in the early testing stages so nobody knew quite what to expect. “Rowdy” (27* in 15) went in with “Yul” (25* in 15) and both started to pick off evil henchmen with ease as a good start made 60-0 from 5 overs. The power-play overs made little obvious difference to the scoring but Fisher’s bowling was better than expected although their fielding was perhaps more enthusiastic than effective. With the 3.10 to Yuma due at any time it was “The Rumpo Kid” (28* in 11) who played the best innings of the night but “Sundance” (26* in 15) also played well and The Colts kept their momentum to post 163-0. Not a wicket lost with not even a snifter of a run out was a fine professional innings from the 6 amigos.
Fisher’s batting, much like James Coburn’s ability with a flick knife, was an unknown quantity. Even more difficult to break in to than a safe in a bank or a Red Indian (sorry, Native American) wagon circle was the combination for deciphering the way that Fisher had filled in the scorecard. “The ex-Outlaw” (0-30) was not at his best but “Bannock” (1-27) had an excellent evening with the orange as did “Sundance” (1-27). The Fisher batsmen must have filled up with beans around the camp fire because it became clear that their Achilles’ heel was their running between the wickets. Run out followed run out and only “Hoss” Watson (42) really challenged the back wall. “Rowdy” earned his spurs with a decent stumping but later had to hand them back for dropping a simple edge. “Sundance” tried to run someone out using the hand that didn’t have the ball but all this was indicative of the fact that Fisher were going to fall well short of the total. “Yul” (0-10) closed things out as Fisher ended up not quite in a Boot Hill grave but not quite strolling off in to the sunset either at 123 all out. Not a bad performance from Fisher as new boys to the competition.
The Colts are in to the semi-finals (opponents to be confirmed) with a chance to drink 10 gallons in the bar.
MoM : John “Sundance” Callendar with 26* and 1-27 off 3.
The friendly Fisher captain offered a whisky and rye and a free gob in to the spittoon as well as allowing “Rowdy” the chance to draw (bat) first but the skipper was having none of it and asked for the coin to be tossed. You can’t trust a bandit in a bandana in open country. Fisher won and The Colts were batting. The cup this year has an experimental “Power-play” rule that is in the early testing stages so nobody knew quite what to expect. “Rowdy” (27* in 15) went in with “Yul” (25* in 15) and both started to pick off evil henchmen with ease as a good start made 60-0 from 5 overs. The power-play overs made little obvious difference to the scoring but Fisher’s bowling was better than expected although their fielding was perhaps more enthusiastic than effective. With the 3.10 to Yuma due at any time it was “The Rumpo Kid” (28* in 11) who played the best innings of the night but “Sundance” (26* in 15) also played well and The Colts kept their momentum to post 163-0. Not a wicket lost with not even a snifter of a run out was a fine professional innings from the 6 amigos.
Fisher’s batting, much like James Coburn’s ability with a flick knife, was an unknown quantity. Even more difficult to break in to than a safe in a bank or a Red Indian (sorry, Native American) wagon circle was the combination for deciphering the way that Fisher had filled in the scorecard. “The ex-Outlaw” (0-30) was not at his best but “Bannock” (1-27) had an excellent evening with the orange as did “Sundance” (1-27). The Fisher batsmen must have filled up with beans around the camp fire because it became clear that their Achilles’ heel was their running between the wickets. Run out followed run out and only “Hoss” Watson (42) really challenged the back wall. “Rowdy” earned his spurs with a decent stumping but later had to hand them back for dropping a simple edge. “Sundance” tried to run someone out using the hand that didn’t have the ball but all this was indicative of the fact that Fisher were going to fall well short of the total. “Yul” (0-10) closed things out as Fisher ended up not quite in a Boot Hill grave but not quite strolling off in to the sunset either at 123 all out. Not a bad performance from Fisher as new boys to the competition.
The Colts are in to the semi-finals (opponents to be confirmed) with a chance to drink 10 gallons in the bar.
MoM : John “Sundance” Callendar with 26* and 1-27 off 3.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : 5/10/10
And thus it came to pass (sorry, that was last week’s report in a religious idiom).Tuesday night was fight night. The Rumble in the Jungle, the Clashes for the Ashes and the WWE “All In – Ultimate Fighter Cage Wrestling” bout rolled in to one. The Colts v. Redbourn. It doesn’t get any bigger than this in Herts. Vets. Indoor League cricket. This is the ultimate. The one that everyone wants to play in. We even had Dickie Davis in the World of Sport commentary box and he must have been dead for years.
The warm-up was low-key. “Cyanide Sid” Hedges and Tim “Six” Spence “None the Richer” polished their heads and knuckles, Bally slipped a horseshoe in to his glove, Mike “The Merciless” Howard had a dirk down his trousers (or so he told us but he may just have been pleased to be there), Dave “The Hit Boy” Whiteley performed a half nelson on himself and skipper “Big Daddy Haystacks” stuck in a mouth-guard and practised his belly-flop. The Colts won the toss and the man in the sharp suit and the microphone from the ceiling called out that the favourites would bowl first.
So far so good but then things went a bit off the rails. The Colts were undeniably on the ropes for 6 overs as Mr. Wellsbury from the Ministry (47*) played extremely well and with his opening partner, Bassill (18*), ensured that Redbourn got to 75-1 by the halfway stage of the innings. Steve “The Undertaker” Ball (3-30) then had Bassill put right in to the ratatouille (as Basil Fawlty would say) having him caught by “The Hit Boy” off the back of the bat and the Redbourn innings went in to submission. Having gone at 12.5 per over, the innings then went backwards as two run outs were followed by Bally laying out “Wily” who played no shot to a straight one. Redbourn must have been wanting 150 as a minimum but “Merciless” (0-28) then bowled as fine a penultimate over of indoor quick bowling as anyone can have witnessed. To bowl one fast yorker is good, to bowl two in a row is very good but to bowl an entire over for a maiden just at the time that the slog ought to be on is impressive stuff indeed. Bajpai (6 in 12 balls) ducked, swerved, moved and gave it the ol’ Ali shuffle but he couldn’t lay a glove on anything. Mike danced like a butterfly and with “Cyanide Sid” (0-37) ensured that The Colts would be chasing only a very par score of 132-5. Redbourn had been restricted to 57-4 for their last 6 overs.
So Captain “Haystacks” took to the ring with “The Hit Boy” for one of the more unlikely looking tag partnerships and things started slowly as “Wily” (1-27) was treated with respect. Bassill’s first over consisted of 10 wides and went for 17 and the innings never really looked back. “Haystacks” (17) took a haymaker below the belt as “Wily” sneaked one through for an LBW shout that was upheld by the umpire. “Haystacks” responded with a torrent of good natured banter as the merits of the knockout were discussed with the umpire on his way off court. TV replays, the third umpire, the corpse of Dickie Davis, the white quiff of the corpse of Dickie Davis and the opinion of the rest of the team were that the umpire had made a good decision. It hardly mattered. “Merciless” (26* in 9) spanked it everywhere and “The Hit Boy” (27* in 18) gave him good support. After 6 overs we were 86-1 and all but winners on the referee’s card. Redbourn’s “Full Court Press” tactic was starting to look as effective as Henry Cooper slapping on a good splash of Brut before going in to take on Mike Tyson. “Six” Spence (25* in 11) then rolled back the years to when men were men and to take a bite out of an opponent’s ear during a bout was thought to be dashed bad form. One of his cover drives will not be bettered all season. “Cyanide” Hedges (11* in 10) made sure of the rest and with 9 balls to spare the fight went out of Redbourn as they stared upwards at the lights from the canvas. Two wins in two and the Championship belt feels comfortable at the moment.
MoM : Tough on “Mauler” Ball as his 3-30 was a good effort but it must be Mike “the Merciless” Howard for his sensational maiden over and quickfire 26*.
The warm-up was low-key. “Cyanide Sid” Hedges and Tim “Six” Spence “None the Richer” polished their heads and knuckles, Bally slipped a horseshoe in to his glove, Mike “The Merciless” Howard had a dirk down his trousers (or so he told us but he may just have been pleased to be there), Dave “The Hit Boy” Whiteley performed a half nelson on himself and skipper “Big Daddy Haystacks” stuck in a mouth-guard and practised his belly-flop. The Colts won the toss and the man in the sharp suit and the microphone from the ceiling called out that the favourites would bowl first.
So far so good but then things went a bit off the rails. The Colts were undeniably on the ropes for 6 overs as Mr. Wellsbury from the Ministry (47*) played extremely well and with his opening partner, Bassill (18*), ensured that Redbourn got to 75-1 by the halfway stage of the innings. Steve “The Undertaker” Ball (3-30) then had Bassill put right in to the ratatouille (as Basil Fawlty would say) having him caught by “The Hit Boy” off the back of the bat and the Redbourn innings went in to submission. Having gone at 12.5 per over, the innings then went backwards as two run outs were followed by Bally laying out “Wily” who played no shot to a straight one. Redbourn must have been wanting 150 as a minimum but “Merciless” (0-28) then bowled as fine a penultimate over of indoor quick bowling as anyone can have witnessed. To bowl one fast yorker is good, to bowl two in a row is very good but to bowl an entire over for a maiden just at the time that the slog ought to be on is impressive stuff indeed. Bajpai (6 in 12 balls) ducked, swerved, moved and gave it the ol’ Ali shuffle but he couldn’t lay a glove on anything. Mike danced like a butterfly and with “Cyanide Sid” (0-37) ensured that The Colts would be chasing only a very par score of 132-5. Redbourn had been restricted to 57-4 for their last 6 overs.
So Captain “Haystacks” took to the ring with “The Hit Boy” for one of the more unlikely looking tag partnerships and things started slowly as “Wily” (1-27) was treated with respect. Bassill’s first over consisted of 10 wides and went for 17 and the innings never really looked back. “Haystacks” (17) took a haymaker below the belt as “Wily” sneaked one through for an LBW shout that was upheld by the umpire. “Haystacks” responded with a torrent of good natured banter as the merits of the knockout were discussed with the umpire on his way off court. TV replays, the third umpire, the corpse of Dickie Davis, the white quiff of the corpse of Dickie Davis and the opinion of the rest of the team were that the umpire had made a good decision. It hardly mattered. “Merciless” (26* in 9) spanked it everywhere and “The Hit Boy” (27* in 18) gave him good support. After 6 overs we were 86-1 and all but winners on the referee’s card. Redbourn’s “Full Court Press” tactic was starting to look as effective as Henry Cooper slapping on a good splash of Brut before going in to take on Mike Tyson. “Six” Spence (25* in 11) then rolled back the years to when men were men and to take a bite out of an opponent’s ear during a bout was thought to be dashed bad form. One of his cover drives will not be bettered all season. “Cyanide” Hedges (11* in 10) made sure of the rest and with 9 balls to spare the fight went out of Redbourn as they stared upwards at the lights from the canvas. Two wins in two and the Championship belt feels comfortable at the moment.
MoM : Tough on “Mauler” Ball as his 3-30 was a good effort but it must be Mike “the Merciless” Howard for his sensational maiden over and quickfire 26*.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
COLTS V. FINAL CC : 28 SEPT. 2010
And thus it came to pass that a man walked among us having been born under a wandering star, wrapped in swaddling clothes and then they laid him in a manger. “I am the Resurrection” said John “JC” Callendar as he arrived for the Colts’ first league game against Final CC. Most of us had just shaken hands and asked how we all were. Hedge had his old bat but a new pair of trainers, Bally had a twinkle in his eye and Captain “Pontius Pilate” Prefab had the skipper’s arm-band. “JC” brought his aura. A 7pm start left little time for much communion between the players as the new skipper lost the “half-a-denari-for-me-life-story” coin toss and the Colts were in the Garden of Gethsemane, fielding under the shadow of a huge wooden cross that JC had brought with him (instead of a bat).
It was a subdued start to play as both sides appeared as rusty as a tin bath which had been left out in the rain on the deck of a Victorian iron sailing ship. The creaking of limbs was audible as arms, legs, knees, backs and shoulders sounded like creaky hinges in a haunted house. Even a pre-match blessing from our Lord didn’t seem to have helped much. Captain Pontius was being advised from behind the stumps by St. Stephen of Ball who had also turned up with a copper bracelet inscribed with the initials “WWJCD” (“What Would John Callendar Do”). In fact “Hedge The Baptist” bowled pretty well in the beginning (was the word) and the fielding was as sharp as a line from St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (and they did love a letter). What was peculiar was Final’s decision not to send their best bat in straight away. This was somewhat like Noah deciding not to bother with an ark. The Baptist (0-12) was miserly but the rest of the bowling was mixed with a good over here followed by a not so good over there. St. Stephen (later to be stoned to death and thus martyred) took a wicket with a fine off-spinner and nabbed another from a stumping. Final struggled to post a total as star player Tariq came in too late and then could not get back on to court after retiring. The Colts were satisfied to take loaves and fishes at the interval facing a target score of 108-4.
Pontius gave a brief sermon on the mount (including 10 commandments – 1. We shalt win, 2. Thou shalt not run me out etc.) before opening the batting with Mike “The Kirk” Howard and there followed a small glimpse of the form The Colts had shown in winning “The Double” last season. The Kirk retired in the 3rd over (strangely on 24* according to the score-sheet – one for the money-lenders in the Temple to recalculate) with the score on 43-0 and from there it looked like it would be a walk in the park (or a wander in the wilderness). Pontius (25*) retired in the 5th over and washed his hands of the whole match. A glance at “JC” showed that everything would be alright although a plague of locusts outside suggested otherwise. St. Simon then entered the fray and with St. Andrew (due to be crucified upside down if memory serves) we started to creep towards the target. It would be fair to say that St. Simon (21*) needs some alone time in order to become reacquainted with his bat but St. Andrew (21) clubbed some lusty blows to the back wall and it looked as though the Lions would defeat the Christians as predicted. Tariq was wheeling away cleverly but still slipping the odd ball down the leg-side and Final could not cling on to the odd tough chance that came along the Appian Way. St. Hedge was finally clean bowled and ascended up to Heaven and that left the Holy One to walk across water and spank his first two balls in to the side wall for the winning runs. A decent win as JC acknowledged by turning water in to lager in the bar afterwards.
Here endeth the lesson.
MoM : St. Hedge for 0-12 off 3 overs and 21. The Captain stands charged with blasphemy for not selecting JC and will now face a stoning (even if he did say “Jehovah”).
It was a subdued start to play as both sides appeared as rusty as a tin bath which had been left out in the rain on the deck of a Victorian iron sailing ship. The creaking of limbs was audible as arms, legs, knees, backs and shoulders sounded like creaky hinges in a haunted house. Even a pre-match blessing from our Lord didn’t seem to have helped much. Captain Pontius was being advised from behind the stumps by St. Stephen of Ball who had also turned up with a copper bracelet inscribed with the initials “WWJCD” (“What Would John Callendar Do”). In fact “Hedge The Baptist” bowled pretty well in the beginning (was the word) and the fielding was as sharp as a line from St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (and they did love a letter). What was peculiar was Final’s decision not to send their best bat in straight away. This was somewhat like Noah deciding not to bother with an ark. The Baptist (0-12) was miserly but the rest of the bowling was mixed with a good over here followed by a not so good over there. St. Stephen (later to be stoned to death and thus martyred) took a wicket with a fine off-spinner and nabbed another from a stumping. Final struggled to post a total as star player Tariq came in too late and then could not get back on to court after retiring. The Colts were satisfied to take loaves and fishes at the interval facing a target score of 108-4.
Pontius gave a brief sermon on the mount (including 10 commandments – 1. We shalt win, 2. Thou shalt not run me out etc.) before opening the batting with Mike “The Kirk” Howard and there followed a small glimpse of the form The Colts had shown in winning “The Double” last season. The Kirk retired in the 3rd over (strangely on 24* according to the score-sheet – one for the money-lenders in the Temple to recalculate) with the score on 43-0 and from there it looked like it would be a walk in the park (or a wander in the wilderness). Pontius (25*) retired in the 5th over and washed his hands of the whole match. A glance at “JC” showed that everything would be alright although a plague of locusts outside suggested otherwise. St. Simon then entered the fray and with St. Andrew (due to be crucified upside down if memory serves) we started to creep towards the target. It would be fair to say that St. Simon (21*) needs some alone time in order to become reacquainted with his bat but St. Andrew (21) clubbed some lusty blows to the back wall and it looked as though the Lions would defeat the Christians as predicted. Tariq was wheeling away cleverly but still slipping the odd ball down the leg-side and Final could not cling on to the odd tough chance that came along the Appian Way. St. Hedge was finally clean bowled and ascended up to Heaven and that left the Holy One to walk across water and spank his first two balls in to the side wall for the winning runs. A decent win as JC acknowledged by turning water in to lager in the bar afterwards.
Here endeth the lesson.
MoM : St. Hedge for 0-12 off 3 overs and 21. The Captain stands charged with blasphemy for not selecting JC and will now face a stoning (even if he did say “Jehovah”).
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