On the score-sheet last night “Bally” was entered as “Pauly” and the good fella had a big evening as the Colts left a huge horse’s head in the bed of the Crabtree Dads. We took a terrible revenge on the unsuspecting Fathers for the disrespect that had been visited upon our family. The Colts crime syndicate was ready to run the numbers and roll the dice as we looked to take care of business with the league title on the line.
Capo “Don” Prefab stuck two olives in his cheeks (no, not those, think higher) and squeezed in to a dinner jacket to head up the organization whilst surrounding himself with trusty side-kicks who all carried suspicious looking bulges under their clothes but this may just have been extra layers because of the fricking cold. Andrew “Bullet” Hedges was in a mean mood and carried a violin case (who knew that The Hedge played the violin ?). David “Mumbles” Whiteley had a feather- duster instead of a knuckle-duster. Three-Fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower had a razor in his shoe whilst “Pauly” Bally wandered around muttering to everyone “I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you ? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you ? What do you mean funny, funny how ? How am I funny ?” which put everyone a little bit on edge. The final member of the crew was Johnny “Blue Eyes” Callender who was the baby-faced assassin for the evening.
Like all good heists this one started with the flipping of a coin and the moving of several ten gallon tanks of illicit moonshine across the Bedfordshire border under the very noses of the Feds. “Don” Prefab opted to bat first but after a meeting with the family lawyer and a ceremony involving a pistol, a knife and the image of a saint he sent out “Mumbles” and “Bullet” in a change to the usual opening pair. “Mumbles” (32* in 12) was off to the races right from the start whilst “Bullet” (28* in 16) took slightly longer for his roulette wheel to start spinning. We were 65-0 in 5 overs and the Pops were yelling for mercy, particularly after “Bullet” whipped a stiletto of a straight drive and took off the bowler’s fingers before whacking the cop on the back wall for good measure. This was scary stuff and even a code of silence wasn’t going to stop the men from Sicily. “Blue Eyes” (30* in 15) found a tommy gun and continued the St. Valentine’s day massacre and he was joined by “Leroy” Makower (20 in 8) who was the only casualty after he was betrayed by a poor call and then run out at a turnpike toll booth. Capo “Don” (22* in 9) then extorted further payments as he was joined by “Big Pauly” who had just completed a “ten-stretch” at the Big House after being found guilty of taking a pinch when the heat was on and the hooch was so hot it was steaming. Bear that in mind the next time you’re asked by “Big Pauly” to lend him a tenner and can he watch the first session of the Test match at your place. 166-1 was a match winning total and The Colts were looking to close out the league season in Las Vegas style. We were there all week – try the veal.
“Leroy” (2.1-0-7-2) took a wicket in the first over, caught by “Bullet” and “Big Pauly” (3-0-20-2) was bowling himself back in to some form. “Pauly” had a rough time of it last game out and he was heard before the Dads’ innings whispering to Capo “Don” “I swear on the lives of my children, give me one last chance to redeem myself and I will sin no more”. How can you argue with that ? The Dads went down swinging but only “Big Rob” (27 in 28) really found the back wall as the others were intent on trying to hit the ball up through the roof. The Colts took 3 catches off Rick O’Sheas (that well known Irish gangster) and the court was turning in to Hell’s Kitchen as the score fell to 55-4 in 7 overs. The Colts were untouchable and the Pops had brought a knife to a gun-fight as Capo “Don” snaffled a good one down the leg-side before the batter could even say “You dirty rat”. By now the Dads were on the road to perdition and it would take more than a hoodlum loan shark with a billy club to sort things out. “Pauly” was heard to say “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” – whatever that meant.
In the final scene, the police surrounded the building and Capo “Don” called on the Dads to surrender but the Dads decided to fight it out. The police fired tear gas in to the office but the Dads managed to escape. All the evil henchmen were then shot by the police when they tried to give themselves up. Capo “Don” climbed to the top of a gigantic, globe-shaped gas storage tank with the league title shield clasped in his hands and shouted "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (roll closing credits).
MoM : Despite “Mumbles” voting for himself the family decided that the most worthy villain of the piece was three-fingered Pete “Bad Bad Leroy” Makower with 20 & 2.1-0-7-2.
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