THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER : LEAGUE : 6/12/11

League Champions. Title retained.

"If..."

If you can keep your head when all on court
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust Bally when all men doubt him,
But allow for his call of "Right Hand !" too:
If you can call “Wait” and not be run out by Whiteley,
Or being Run Out, retire to the cage,
Or being hated by Redbourn, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t play too well, nor appeal in rage;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Howard and with Hedges
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by Rupes to make a trap for prats,
Or watch the innings you gave your life to, broken,
Leaving no option but to throw your bats;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one Callender full toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss (to bloody Final CC):
If you can force your Hubbard, Cobb and Cardy
To serve their turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with Willo and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Spence —and not lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor Pete Makower hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving hour
With fifty singles worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be an Indoor League Champion, my son!

MoM : It's Saddam Skip with 50* in 31 balls in the last game. Fitting.

Thanks to everyone who put on their plimsolls and got themselves out there one mo' time.

Curried AGM still on for 6/1/2012 with speeches asnd awards. You'd be mad to miss it.....

THE COLTS V. VOCALINK : LEAGUE : 22/11/11

(In best dodgy accent)

Khello, my name Prefab Borat and this is my willage. You like ? I am pleased to speak up with you and for you to visit me in Ulhaqistan. Please not mispronounce Turkish Kurds wrong way as offends my mother - you right ?

We have new game, "Hit Ball Stick". Very popular. We use cow bits as ball and cow leg-bone as bat. You use willow tree, yes ? Very strange to us. What is Willow ? Is he man with dodgy goaty beard and appear to be some throw-back from a decadent age of "jazz hat" cricket where men wore frilly shirts with cuff-links made from Grandad's gold teeth whilst quaffing a quart of gin at the wicket ? We don't know this custom but we like this Willow. I may sleep with heem.

We have game now. Come see. With me is team. They are very nice. See this man ? He is Hedge. This is because he live in hedge outside willage. He have big strong 'tache but no hair. We say he should put yak dung on head to help hair. Hedge say "My eyes are bleeding" and "Fact" a lot and he virile with 'tache. Some say he look like gay icon from "Boogie Nights" but we not understand this cultural reference.

See him ? He is Mike. He speak in unintelligible manner and say "Aye" and "Wee" a lot. This can be funny. He bowl like wind and often in night he sound like wind. He think that "Darren Fletcher" is good soccer player. This can be funny. "Darren Fletcher" has first touch like pig I keep for pleasure in my front yard tied to stick. "Darren Fletcher" about as mobile too.

See him ? He known as "Twice Nightly Whiteley". He is small and blond for an Ulhaqistanian. He very popular with all men in willage. Nights are long in my country.

This "JC3". He new to us this year and we find out about him. He settle in well. He number three JC. We keep him as spare in case one and two break down like tractor.

Game start. We clear chicks and ducks and geese better scurry. Cow pat on good length. No touch. stinky. Where Willow ? He late. Facking "First Capital Connect" we hear. Trouble. They are cow-fart-horse-ass-flies-round-outdoor-toilet-hole-neighbour-wife-armpits-son-of-hairy-wrong-end-of skunk. Nearly three grand for a season ticket, muddy-funsters.

In lime green mankini I look good no ? See crease from behind ? Nice. Borat (34 in 17) knock it around and Whiteley (46 in 16) strong through off side. Big Mike (0 in 1) smack one back to Srini who dance to hold on to smoking ball. Big Mike sent to cage. No good. Bad Mike. Ulhaqistan kids throw rocks at heem later. Hedge (26* in 14) decide throw off shackles and go for it. No more "Barry Block" for heem. Mash it everywhere. Watch out back wall ! Hedge strong. Men like. With JC3 (16 in 12) we make 151-5 notches on big stick. I am interview by Ulhaqistan TV after innings. I have train for this. I say "To be honest, credit to the lads and we had to respect Vocalink and take each game as it comes after the disappointment of the cup loss to Final CC. If you'd have offered me this before the game, Charles Colville-basha, I'd have taken it".

Second dig. We like to dig in my willage. We dig a lot. Not much else to do in evenings otherwise if Whiteley and Hedge not available. Vocalink struggle. JC3 (3-0-10-1) start well and wickets fall like acorns from big oak. I catch a good one and fumble some not so good. JC3 catch and Hedge catch too. Good catch Hedge ! Big Mike (0.5-0-1-2) out of cage. Kids, leave Big Mike. No rocks. Ah, Big Mike, too much speed on ball and too much something called "zoomer". Harsha and Ken, they don't see it so good. Stumps over. 35 all out.

Now for big main tent and drink and songs ! Me feel good and like some man company. Where Whiteley and Hedge with 'tache ?

MoM : Blond Whiteley. He good. Stroker. 46 and 1-4.

THE COLTS V. FINAL CC : CUP SEMI-FINAL : 17/11/11

Crap. Lost.

Colts : 90 ao.
Final 91-5 in 11.1 overs.

MoM : Sprowson family cat, "Bella". Impressive feline bouncebackability from having been thrown repeatedly down the stairs......(for Daily Mail readers - that's a joke).

THE COLTS V. LONG MARSTON : LEAGUE : 15/11/11

“Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be....”. Let’s face it, after all the time spent ducking the issue, we have finally scooped to the bottom of the barrel. We will have to poke in places where we shouldn’t be poking and sniff around in places where we shouldn’t be sniffing.

With the season reaching a climax (so I’m told) the G-spot to be was the Choice Cricket Penthouse where two teams came together locked in an embrace at the top of the league table. There was barely a merkin between us. One side was cock-sure and wanted to dominate. We were hoping that Long Marston would be ready to receive. Bally, ever the playboy, even had a coloured handkerchief poking from his back pocket but we weren’t entirely sure what that was all about. With both sides having perfect records something had to give and the Colts were determined that it wouldn’t be us ending up in the gimp mask.

For the record, Capt. “Plonker” Prefab had a posse of stiff members lining up alongside him including Andrew “The Length” Hedges, David “Dick” Whiteley, Steve “Spurt” Ball, Mike “Dobber” Howard and Simon “Wee Willy” Williams. There was testosterone everywhere at the toss and after a quick clean up with a Kleenex it was the Colts who were to show off their posing pouch first by taking to the carpet with bat shafts in hand. History will record that this wasn’t the finest of Colts’ innings as in many ways we weren’t that well hung at 127 all out in just about the full 12 overs. It was nip and tuck as both sides knew what was at stake and we struggled, almost too much, to ensure a decent total on the board.

Capt. “Plonker” (26 in 21) took an absolute age before he retired in the 11th over (and how he wasn’t run out before retiring is the subject of a Ben Dover investigation) but there was some value to his knock as it was a night where runs had to be earned. “Dick” (10 in 11) and “Dobber” (21 in 9) were both out to extraordinary catches. “Dick’s” was a one-handed snatch by the bowler whilst “Dobber” smashed it (did you smash it ? I bet he smashed it) to midwicket where the fielder held on using his arms, hands, legs and gentleman’s area before throwing the ball up. “Wee Willy” (28 in 21) put his years of indoor experience to great use as the score kept climbing at 10 an over. At halfway we were 62-2 and Long Marston will reflect, with a post coital cigarette before they roll over and go to sleep, that by the end of their bowling stint they had given us 38 extras of which 32 were wides. In an x-rated final over from the slippery Rashid we managed to lose 4 wickets (that’s right, 4) without adding to the total. Not even a short stroke or one off the wrist for a single. Uncanny. From 127-2 we gave up a series of run outs from the sort of understandable to the downright brainless to close on 127 all out with a ball left to spare. Not great but they were runs on the board.

With his best “actress to the bishop” voice Capt. “Plonker” was heard to say “I’d have taken that if only you’d offered it to me before”.

As Claire Swire (remember her ?) would have said, our bowling attack is tasty. It’s known for being balls out, direct, dirty and even downright nasty, a bit like The Hedge when he’s been on the Tennent’s Super. “Dobber” (3-0-25-2) and “Length” (3-0-18-0) opened with some vajazzling deliveries but the Marston openers looked solid and after 3 overs they were 34-0. Time to slip them something. An easy run out brought in Rashid (25 in 14) and it was quickly apparent that he wasn’t going to die wondering. “Spurt” (3-0-24-0) and “Wee Willy” (3-0-12-0) then made like Michael Hutchence and choked the innings off with a spell of 6 overs for 45 runs that pegged Marston back to 84-4 off 10. Also in that period of play was a run out of such elegance from “Dobber” that it deserved a nice dress, a decent meal and a hotel room before the appearance of the beast with two backs. A drop and run to the off was anticipated by “Dobber” who didn’t try to pick the ball up but instead hockey-flicked the ball from the floor in to the leather and suede ‘keeping gloves (and iron fists inside on the evidence of this performance) of Capt. “Plonker”. “Dobber” finished up clean bowling the last pair with an unlikely 32 still needed to win at the start of the final over. Astonishingly, the analysis for the combined last overs of both sides was 2-1-1-6.

MoM : So who was the Casanova of the carpet ? Who was our top swordsman ? Who took one for the team without blubbing ? “Dobber” was close for sure but for an invaluable knock of 28 and a superb spell of leg-spin conceding only 4 an over for his spell it’s .....Simon “He’s a lover not a fighter” Williams.

THE COLTS V. TOTTERNHOE : LEAGUE : 10/11/11

It was a jam session down at the “House of Blues” Choice Cricket Centre with the good ol’ Colts All Star Blues Brothers Boys Band tuning up for an assault on the Christmas number 1 single (if the sodding X Factor version of “There’s no one quite like Grandma/My Dad/My Dog/My dead Mum who died after a serious illness” doesn’t beat us to it). It’s tough in the music biz. We were on a mission from God but we didn’t know it and James Brown hadn’t yet pointed the way towards the light.

A & R man, John Belushi look-a-like and lead singer Capt. Prefab Sprout (sort of the perfect nickname) called incorrectly as tails it was and Totternhoe elected to play first and strap on their 6-string “Gibson Stratofender” (they bought it at the “Five ‘n’ Dime” and played it 'til their fingers bled if rumours are to be believed) complete with “wah wah” peddle and sustain gizmo. The Colts house band was made up from “Andrew “Blind Lemon” Hedges (who admitted after the match that he needs glasses), Rupert “Howlin’ Wolf” Garrett, JC “Fun Boy” 3, “Seasick” Steve Ball, and Pete “Muddy Waters” Makower.

The Colts looked and sounded great in the sound check and warm-up (with the amps turned up to 11) but as soon as the match started for real it was a bit of a different story. As any Blues fan standing at a crossroads will tell you, good places for the Blues are a) a lonely highway, b) a jail, c) a “cat house” d) an empty bed/cot or d) the bottom of a whisky bottle. To this can be added the first few overs from the Colts during this match. There were leg-side wides, off-side wides, long wides and short wides such that over the course of the innings we conceded 33 extras out of a total of 83-5. Capt. Prefab had a right to bemoan his luck and reach for his rusty revolver due to the lack of love from a good woman or indeed a well pitched delivery on a good length outside of the off stump. It wasn’t that we was bad, we were jus’ no good and sure enough yo pappy was goin’ to reach for the switch and tan our dang hides.

“Howlin’ Wolf” (3-0-21-2) put down his harmonica, tucked his mojo down the front of his pants and got us back on track as he bargained part of his soul with the devil and “Seasick” Steve (2-0-20-2) nabbed a couple including an LBW shout after a cunning signal from behind the stumps. There was also a snaffled run out from “Fun Boy” who was quick to pick up the ball one-handed like he’d found the butt of a king size Camel filter-tipped on the floor and with a sharp release he hit the two stumps that he had to aim at for a brilliant direct hit. Totternhoe were forced to confront the fact that it’s hard to gamble when you lose every bet and even harder to save money when your several wickets in debt. Their only recourse was to the bottle and a bunk in the rundown shack of Mean Momma Dumpling.

The Blues is not about choice. If yo stuck in a ditch then yo stuck in a ditch and there ain’t no use yo cryin’ ‘bout it. Ask Michael Jackson’s physician.

Anyway, Capt. Prefab (27* in 9) was on form with the bat as he made it sing like an angel’s harp with a number of ruthless punches through mid on. “Blind Lemon” (21 in 13) was more wary of a ball that was only partly in focus to him but at 38-0 off 3 overs we were flying. “Howlin’ Wolf” (27* in 15) re-adjusted his mojo which was now dressing to the left and took us closer to the promised land and “Fun Boy” (12* in 3) came in and slapped it like a mean ol’ sheriff from the wrong part of town.

The Colts closed at 88-1 in the 7th over and repaired to the bar to drink gasoline with a bourbon chaser for those who were not drivin’. Others had black coffee or a slug of cheap red wine from a bottle that the barkeep had “out back”.

MoM : If white men can’t jump and only black cats can sing the Blues then the award goes to “Howlin’ Mad Wolf” Garrett for 2-21 and another cheeky red-inker 27*.

THE COLTS V. CRAB DADS : LEAGUE : 1/11/11

From Capt. Hedge:-

And so it came to pass, late one Tuesday in November, the Vets, fresh from the previous nights trick or treat avoidance, did once again roll up to the Crabtree Indoor Cricket Centre – aka the Theatre of Delusion – to once more exorcise the demons of past glories. They say that the older one gets the better one was, and never was that more appropriate for some on this eve.

Captain Hedge (Ed: do what ?) won the toss, opted to bat and discharged himself to the cage to watch his band of merry men plunder the (weak) oppo’s bowling to all parts/walls. Except, er, it didn’t quite work out like that. We raced to 27 off the first 3 overs, 17 of which were extras. Dave was smashing it to all manner of fielders, plundering his 13 runs off merely 11 balls whilst Willo was even more extreme, smashing his 7 runs off a paltry 11. Both got out in vaguely comical circumstances to be followed by Pete - run out first ball without facing - and Hedge, caught for 6 off 3 playing another lazy symptomatic-of-his-season shot.

The Colts were 40-4 off 4 overs. Capt Hedge was puzzled. Captain Hedge was worried. Capt Hedge - had he had any hair - would have been pulling it out at some rate of knots by now. Still, all was not lost. Tim had dropped anchor, keeping the ball on the deck and playing quite beautifully. Then along popped The Messiah: aka Rupes. After an early scare, where he could quite easily have been run out by approx 129 yards, he then cranked the tempo up and showed us all (frankly) how to do it. A mixture of brute force, belligerence and deft touches (yes, you read that right) earned him 49 glorious undefeated runs. Tim and him put on 112 runs to leave the Colts with a bonus point dans le poche and a 152 total. Rupes even gloriously turned up a chance to receive a standing ovation for his 50 by completely missing the last ball of the game. What a Gent, 50’s are so vulgar and all a bit 1980’s (darling). Tim also remained undefeated with an utterly classy knock of 46.

So an eminently defendable target against oppo that we presumed would bat far better than they bowled. Which, er, they didn’t. Pistol Pete opened up and was his usual unplayable self. Suffice to say Crabtree Dads were 10-3 after 3 overs and 17-3 after 5: game over. The remainder of the game was somewhat turgid, not least because the oppo adopted a long term strategy of overhauling the target; such a strategy clearly involved batting through to the following Tuesday to get there. Despite a myriad of bowling changes/ styles we couldn’t get the last bonus point (6 wickets) – not even Our Lord Rupes could prise them out, despite some heroic charging in and accompanied puffing. A few chances went begging but the game petered out in a somewhat soporific manner, the mood only occasionally lightened by Bally’s never-heard-of-before calls of “right hand” from the Scorers hut above. Fair play to the bloke that he was still awake to be fair.

And so the Dads ended up on 73-3 and we retired to the bar to digest. In effect the 3 of us – Rupes, Tim and Pete – were enough to beat their 6. Si, Dave and Hedge – after amassing a dizzying 23 runs off 21 balls – were left to ruminate on past glories, furiously trying to remember when they had all collectively batted so dismally. A further 2, maybe 3 minutes later and we were all on our way home.

MOM: Has to be Rupes or Tim. On balance, because the former’s knock made us all chuckle just a little bit more (sorry, Tim) I've handed it to Rupes (even though he dropped a sitter). Mucho thanks to these two for digging us (me) out of a v. big hole.

THE COLTS V. FINAL CC : LEAGUE : 27/10/2011

In an office somewhere off Whitehall, Bond sat in a leather-bound armchair and watched Miss Moneypenny at her desk as she gently fingered his security code in to her slot. He was then called through the communicating door by “M”.

“Sit down 007. We have a crisis. Total world domination by The Colts as they leave destruction in their wake. They need to be stopped”.

“Yes of course, sir. Any clues ?”

“They’re playing tonight against Final CC in a secret location. Be careful Bond. They’re armed and at least one has a huge secret weapon”.

“So have I sir”.

Bond arrived under cover of darkness with his Aston Martin DB5 parked neatly next to Mike “Dr. Och Aye the Noo” Howard’s spanking new Audi (that also goes under water). The Colts were assembled as Bond checked them out with his spy-glasses; Prefab “Von Henry Blofeld”, Mike “Dr. The Noo” Howard, “Jaws” Callender, Simon “Drax” Williams, Peter “Oddjob” Makower and John “Nick Nack” Card. To have all of these super villains and henchmen in one place was amazing. To get to watch them carry out their evil plans in a secret, indoor location complete with submarine loading bay was almost worth making a film about.

“Blofeld” won the toss and the Colts fielded with “Oddjob” not having bowled in anger for a year and “Jaws” back from a holiday with Ursula Andress although it wasn’t clear which one of them had worn the bikini. Final CC are often reliant on Tariq as their best player but he was run out off only the second ball as a suicide mission for a single let the evil “Blofeld” collect the bouncing bomb and destroy the stumps with a maniacal laugh. How he did it holding on to a white cat was difficult to make out. “Dr. The Noo” then bowled another hapless victim leaving them shaken and stirred before “Nick” Card had the knack of picking up the next wicket thanks to a catch behind. Final were falling apart like the script from “Quantum of Solace” as another run out and a fumbled catch by “Jaws” Callender (grabbing at the ball as if it were a live grenade) left them something like 50-5. The reason for the confusion about the score is the undecipherable code that the score-sheet was written in. Bond glanced at it but gave up when it looked as though over 12 had been scored in over 7 and over 7 had in fact disappeared like a female Soviet defector in a tight uniform. The bowling figures were impossible to make out even with the help of “Q” and “Goldeneye”.

“Dr. Noo” nabbed the last bonus point with a stumping as the umpire in the cage gave the electronic gold-finger to signal the dismissal. A red flashing light at this stage suddenly seemed very appropriate.

Asked to predict the future, Solitaire could only look at the card of death and see trouble for Final as 75 all out was not likely to trouble the Colts batting unit. What wasn’t expected was a thunder-ball. “Von Blowers” (0 in 1) took strike but then had to acknowledge that he may as well have not taken his bat out with him. It was as much use as opening a poisoned umbrella in a nuclear reactor during a meltdown. Unsuspecting foreign dictators have been shot, blown up, strangled and covered in gold paint for less than delivering a perfect if gentle in-swinger that snaked between bat and pad to clip the top of the “Blowers” leg stump. Bond blinked. Did he expect “Blowers” to walk ? No Mr. Bond, but I expect you to die !! “Blowers” trudged to the cage that fortunately for him did not have a secret opening that allowed tiger sharks and piranha fish to slip in and strip his flesh from his bones in an agony of red food dye. He was stuck there for the rest of the innings not having a set of metal gnashers with which to bite his way to freedom either.

Drax (27* in 17) came in at No. 3 putting a lethal capsule of poison down his box briefs and he started slowly before unleashing a well timed 6 to the back wall. With a lazy swing Drax also moon-rakered a loose one for a maximum 8 but then came a defining moment. Another very good ball from the useful “Biles” found a thin edge but the chance went down like Pierce Brosnan on Dr. Christmas Jones. “Drax” Willo survived, in effect to live twice, and an unusual 6 leg-side wides and a cheeky “double run” ensured that the Colts were pretty much home and ready to slip in to a dry vodka martini. “Jaws” (22* in 15) managed not to meet a horrible end and “Dr. Noo” (5 in 5) was there at the end.

Bond packed his sniper scope and rifle back in to his wristwatch and had to admit that he’d been impressed by what he’d seen. For the Colts, the world truly doesn’t seem to be enough.

MoM: The team got together in the “Evil Henchmens’ Bar” after the match and wanted to give it to “Biles” for knocking over their beloved leader first cracker. “Blofeld” pressed a secret button on his chair and all of them were therefore tipped in to a vat of warm acid except for “Drax” Williams who takes it mainly for his 27*. All of the bowlers did well and have cause to be aggrieved that the score-sheet is so bad that it is impossible to work out any bowling figures.

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : LEAGUE : 20/10/11

"It's got to be-e-e-e-e--e-e perfect. It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e worth it. So many people take second best but I won't take anything less. It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e-e perfect". So sang the big nosed, big chinned lead singer from Fairground Attraction. Captain Prefab may well have warbled something similar as he drove home in the car on Thursday night as the Colts had just been as near perfect as a bunch of middle-aged, out of shape, over the hill indoor cricketers can possibly be. If indoor cricket be the food of love then there were some wives and girlfriends waiting at home who didn't know what they were in for (or maybe they did....). In this Bo Derek of a performance just about everything went right. The Bams won the toss and again asked the Colts to bat despite a heavy defeat in the Cup the week before. In fact the Bams bowling looked stronger with the return of "Jeremy" to bowl some serious wheels but the Colts batting was stronger with the return of David "Bo Diddeley" Whiteley and Mike "Bo Selecta" Howard. Completing our line up were Steve "Bo Tox" Ball, Simon "Bo Peep" Williams and Rupert "Bo Weekly" Garrett.

The first overs were sedate with no sign of the chaos to come as Bo Prefab (31 in 19) and Bo Diddeley (45* in 26) ticked over to be 49-0 from 4 overs with a few iffy runs and some poor calling having not opened together this season. It was the introduction of "Jeremy" that started things moving as an astonishingly wide wide (think Harmison but wider) saw his over go for 15. After that, the next 6 overs went for 142. That's 23 point something an over. The runs from the overs in sequence went 20,21,23,31,24,23 and the Bams are far from the worst bowling attack in this league. It was awesome striking. Bo Selecta (28* in 6: 4,3,3,5,8,5) and Bo Tox (25* in 6: 4,5,3,4,6,3) had incredible strike-rates and Bo Peep (25* in 11) chipped in as well so that Bo Weekly (10* in 5) at No.6 came in with still fully 3 overs to go. There were 4 x 8's to the back wall and whilst the score-board said 207-1 in 12 overs, the score-sheet actually adds up to 217. The only blemish was a "Bo's Up" between Prefab and Rupes that led to an easy run out. On the Blog (saddo that he is) your scribe can only find reference to a score of 189-3 also against Bamville in 2005 but the writer at that time refers to it then as our second best score ever. Have the Colts ever done "double top" before and made 200 ? Where is Benedict on Sky when you need him ?

The bowling was good too with "Weeping" Willo (2.3-0-20-3) making a strong case for MoM status. His leg breaks were fiendish and prompted him to consider writing his biography a la Graeme Swann. Unfortunately using a similar title "The Breaks are Leg" makes little sense. Bo Selecta (1-0-1-1) clean bowled the oppo skipper in one brilliant over. A word also for Rupes (3-0-27-1) who was tidy from the start and put in a fine performance of his own. Apart from a couple of tough catches whilst in "Full Court Press" mode there was little wrong in the field either. The only cheating that we did was to try and sneak in a couple of 5-ball overs just to get in the bar early.

As the young actress said to the bishop: "I don't know what that was exactly but I liked it and we're doing it again".

Can this level of performance possibly be maintained ?

MoM : Simon "Weeping Bo Peep" Williams. No disgrace with the bat and a fabulous spell with the ball including a jaffa to Jeremy.

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : CUP : 13/10/11

It was a grisly tale of stains on the carpet as The Colts strolled by Bamville in the Cup at the Downton Choice Abbey. No doubt the downstairs maid would have had her work cut out with a scrubbing brush and a pail of cold water from the outside privy tap as John "Playing" Card left puddles of blood from several lower bits of himself on the second floor drawing room carpet whilst Lord Prefab honked up gobbets of high intestine in to the corner by the bookcase with the walnut inlay as he strove to fight off the ravages of man 'flu and gout.

Bamville had left a polite calling note suggesting that they might drop by for crumpet and tea and Stephen "Billiard" Ball, Tim "Mrs. Bridges" Spencer, Andrew "The Backstairs Maid" Hedges and Simon "Mister Bates" Williams were ready with a warm welcome and the best silver. His Lordship (49* in 28) took a deep puff and walloped his first ball for 6 as if he'd found his valet stroking his fob-chain but The Bams (sans "Jeremy") bowled well early on with a new lemon and "Wedd" bowled some fine outswingers. "Mrs. Bridges" (15 in 9) started well but walked around a straight one and "The Hedge" (8 in 5) was eccentrically given out LBW by an umpire most had not met before.

At 42-4 in 4 overs it was time for "Playing" (6 in 6) to come in and knock it around the candelabra like we know he can but our resident "JC" fell for the oldest trick in the book by not lining up on the right line (white) and by the time the fire had taken in the old range cooker and the kettle was on the hob, JC found himself stranded and innocuously run out. "Billiard" was then done like a kipper with another avoidable run out and it was time to send out for "Mister Bates" to calm the whole situation down.

Having laid out his Lordship's starched collars, wing studs and black tails, Simon (32* in 17) batted like a dream landing two 8's with one of them barely missing the ornamental "10" on the mantelshelf in the Chinese room. With dignity of spirit, noble in posture and a determined profile, "Mister Bates" was a silk kerchief in the fraught proceedings...if only it hadn't been needed by his Lordship to mop an extremely sweaty brow as well as hawking up speckets of lung. As someone from the village remarked "If his Lordship gets any more red they'll have to bleed 'im wi' leeches".

From a working class 97-4 in 8 we rallied as only blue bloods can to an aristocratic par score of 149-4 with his Lordship unable to take one last nip out of his hip flask to fall just short of a sickly but valuable half century. He was grateful to just walk off unaided but did contemplate taking his old service revolver and a stiff glass of brandy in to the library and locking the door if things had got any worse.

After the long break for adverts including at least three for different firms of "Lawyers 4 U" it was a bit of the same old story from series 1. The opening Bam tried to smash Spence (2-0-15-1) and was caught and bowled off the wall at the third attempt whilst another was run out wandering from his crease. This left their skipper "Peck" (29 in 24) with a huge amount to do and he was not helped by the excitable "Ani" (9 in 9) who unbelievably did not make double figures but was not dismissed without pay (and with no option on a third series) until the 8th over.

"Billiard" (2-0-17-1) was miserly with the key to the drinks cabinet as we know he can be but he nabbed a wicket with another Spence fumbled catch. "JC" (2-0-17-2) was the ace in the hole, on the persian rug in front of the fire with the Turkish ambasssador inspecting his secret passage as he mutton-chopped his way to a 2-fer with a caught and bowled (held first time, Spence) and a clean bowled.

His Lordship now had the complexion of an early morning tureen of devilled kidneys and the hunting party not even assembled down by the lodge. All was done and several times dusted as the Bams took the charabanc back from whence they came being all out for 73 in the 9th over having not come to terms with the installation of the electric telephone or the Colts' excellent performance on the night.

In the drawing room the lady of the house stroked her pussy and drew the semi-finals. The cads from Redbourn and the Colts were kept apart like families at a wedding as our duel was possibly postponed until Finals Night. The Colts have a full Final CC in our Semi-Final.

Next is Bamville but in the League.

MoM : Easy to be accused of bias but in genuinely batting better than he looked even if he then dropped a sitter off Willo - His Lordship remains in charge and gives the nod to himself for 49* and a glove in 2 run outs. Good show, what.

COLTS "BALL-GATE" SHOCK HORROR.....

Stephen Ball was mis-translated in an interview that contributed to him being suspended by The Colts, claims his adviser David Whiteley. The all-rounder was in danger of being banned for two weeks after allegedly refusing to accept the Captain’s view of an incident in the Redbourn derby encounter. After the match a club translator quoted Ball as saying: "I didn't feel right to play so I didn't" but insisted that "the interpretation was incorrect". Ball does speak English but his English his not good enough to host a full-blown interview. Ball met Colts' officials as part of an investigation into the incident.

Ball blamed "confusion in the bar" for the "misunderstanding" and felt there was no reason why he should apologise to his skipper. "I listened to the questions in English and the interpretations were then misinterpreted".

Whiteley said: "The assumption is that Stephen refused to buy a round. Let's hope it is clarified in the next few days - one way or the other - because it's damaging to the Colts, to their talented squad and to Stephen Ball”.

"A lot of things were said but there are not too many options for him if things are proved to be correct. It's a shame because we don't want top players to leave the club but if it's borne out that the things suggested are correct, it will be very hard to see any other outcome."

However, Whiteley believes Ball has always acted professionally and is keen to play more indoor cricket. "You can criticise Stephen for anything but one thing you can't criticise him for is his commitment when he's on the pitch and you can never criticise him for not wanting to play" Whiteley added. "There have been several times at Colts throughout his career where he is taking injections, playing with swollen ankles, where he has played in situations when maybe even doctors have told him not to play. You have to remember Stephen joined the Colts when he had an official offer from Crabtree Dads and Final CC on the table. He was one of the first players to join the Colts' new vision. It's a great vision and Stephen was brought in to help start that vision. So he feels very differently towards the club, he has a very intense feeling".

THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : LEAGUE : 5/10/11

Like the character in “Cool Runnings” (Feel da Riddim), Mike “The Caber” Howard was heard to say on arrival at the Choice Cricket Arena : “I am feeling very Olympic today”. And Olympic he certainly was as he put in a multiple gold medal performance whilst flicking a two-fingered “Harvey Smith” at his skipper for the offence taken at not winning a Man of the Match award last week. “The Caber” was immense in the triple-jump of batting (40* in 22 balls), bowling (2-0-15-1) and an awesome fielding display (2 catches; one brilliant and a run out) that seriously impressed the Russian judge. On the podium a spirited Redbourn were left to take silver as the Colts took the laurels and the kisses from the hot flower girls defending a par total of 137-4 to dismiss the Red Machine for 80 all out.

The Hedge had already announced that the 9pm start virtually made this game in to a “Night/Dayer” but the return of Capt. “Hammer” Prefab along with David “Hemery” Whiteley, Steve “Ping Pong” Ball and Tim “Javelin” Spencer made it a strong Colts side. Bally had even threatened to wear his new lycra, all-in-one, body-hugging swimsuit in which not only could he smuggle a budgie but also a parrot, two bulls, a cock and as many hares as he likes. With a lost toss the Colts were asked to their marks and to bat first with the Red Machine clearly concerned about coming up against our bowling attack.

“Caber” and “Hemery” (35* in 25) started well but against tight bowling from “Wiley” (3-0-26-0) who seems to improve with age like stilton or Sir Steve Redgrave. Only 5 came from his first over and “Boz” was equally miserly as the batting struggled to cope with the qualifying times. Having got boxed in on the bend at 27 from 4 overs, the score started to creep up towards 10 an over as both openers got themselves retired but “Javelin” (3 in 3) dropped the baton halfway down the track to be well stumped and “Hammer” (12 in 7) started well but ended up like Paul Radcliffe, caught with his pants down, as he tried to pinch a tough single to the off-spinner “Nigel”. This left “Ping Pong” (28 in 11) to get 100 on the board before he was caught in the nets having pulled out of a triple-tuck dive with half-pike roll and the openers had to come back in to scrape together as many as they could. “Caber” hit the bull on the back wall with a straight 8 in the last over from “Wiley” and a couple of possibly harsh umpiring calls left us short of 140 at 137-4.

There was confusion at the change-over as the skip was heard to ask Tim Spencer if he could see his “snatch” but when the subject turned out to be weight-lifting all was forgiven. Redbourn sent their most effective pair in first with “Nigel” (29 in 14) the danger man if he was able to clear the opening height. At this point “Caber” came alive like Allan Wells in the 100m, Moscow 1980, when he beat Leonard of Cuba to take gold in a race where precisely nobody on the planet remembers any of the other runners. As if the catch off his own bowling wasn’t miraculous enough (diving, one-handed and taken off the wall) then he followed up with a back-flick, direct hit run out and another sharp take to dismiss the dangerous “Nigel” from a “Ping Pong” looper. Capt. “Hammer” made like a bob-sledder and slid down the leg-side to snaffle a stumping from his opposite number and this left “Wiley” like Eric “The Eel” Moussambani as the only swimmer in the pool. It took one delivery from “Javelin” who made like Zola Budd as he shoved one through the “Wiley” defences to take the leg peg. Clutch that.

A vital win against our strongest rivals. It was like Coe v. Ovett but without the willowy limbs, pigeon chests and “118-118” GB vests. We got 13 points including bonuses and The Reds ended up with Fanny Blankers-two.

MoM : Mike “Wyndham Halswelle” Howard for a “Nadia” (perfect 10).

(NB : Wyndham Halswelle. Scotland’s most controversial gold. Halswelle, a lieutenant in the Highland Light Infantry and veteran of the Boer War, ran in the 400m final at Shepherds Bush in 1908, but was repeatedly blocked by his three American opponents. Officials disqualified the ‘winner’ JC Carpenter, and ordered a re-run using, for the first time, strings to divide the lanes. All hell broke loose between US officials and their British counterparts, and it was half an hour before the track was cleared. The two remaining Americans, William Robbins and John Taylor, then refused to run, and Halswelle strode round on his own to take gold in a time of 50 seconds. He was so disgusted that he gave up athletics, but was killed fighting in France during the first World War. He remains the only British man to have a gold, silver and bronze in individual Olympic events).

COLTS PRODUCE SOMETHING SOLID WHEN IT MATTERS...

Big up to the two stand-in captains David "Grasshopper" Whiteley and Steve "Object" Ball as they sat on the bowl of destiny and strained hard to produce the goods whilst Chief Oberleutnant Von Prefab took himself off to a conference in Dublin to listen to a lot of dull men talking about heavy machinery.

Frantic text messages were enough to confirm a whopping win against Flamstead (194 in 12 overs - really - ??!!) on the Tuesday but a tenser squeeze by Frogmore on Thursday. Captain Prefab had avoided "Doing an Arsene" by splashing the Colts' cash in pre-season but nobody could have predicted quite how well our new signings would turn out. Rupert "Pat" Garrett, John "The Business" Card, James "Ty" Cobb and Rob "L" Hubbard all did superbly well with bat, ball and even gloves (some of it theirs and some of it begged, borrowed or stolen).

With the regular skipper unable to make much sense of the scorecards (which read a little like the Dead Sea Scrolls) evidence has been established using methods seen on old black-and-white "Baz & Nige" episodes of Sherlock Holmes to see that the Colts 194 was far too much for Flamstead (101 all out and we'll take the bonus points - thanks) whilst the Frogs' 124-3 (or 4) was a teasing little total especially when we were 71-2 off 7 but Bally (26* in 6 balls - really - ??) and The Card (19* in 6 we think) saw us home. In the Flams match Mike Howard (61) played like only a homicidal maniac with a claymore and a kilt can whilst Bally tonked 47 and had 4 "w"'s up his bowling column although some of these might have been run outs.

MoM's : This is tricky as I wasn't even there and my judgement has been clouded by 3 nights on the Black Stuff. Bally was insistent that John Card ("JC3") be given the Frogmore match for getting us home despite a superb effort from "Ty" Cobb with the gauntlets. If Bally doesn't get the award for skippering on Thursday then I feel somewhat duty bound to give him the nod for Tuesday despite Mikey H's efforts (plus Mike jointly held player of the year last season so he now knows that the bar is set a little bit higher for him and 61 out of 194 with 70 coming off the last 4 overs isn't enough to impress us anymore).

Frogmore : Bally for 47 in 16 balls and a 3-0-18-4 (incl. run outs)
Flamstead : John Card for 19* in 6 balls on deyboo)

Now for Redbourn....

Please note and tick y/n for match details for our Cup Quarter Final v. Bamville on Thurs. 13 October 2011 at 9pm.

AUTUMN/WINTER 2011 : THE CALL TO ARMS

It's that time of the year to dust off the neoprene, linseed oil the hinges of your knee brace(s) and get that yellow coloured bat from out of the back of the airing cupboard. Your bunch of old(ish) crocks needs you like never before. Unlike the England Test side, The Colts know only too well the pressure of being "Numero Uno" and everyone (especially Redbourn) will be out to knock us off our f-ing perch (apologies to Sir Alex Ferguson).

Could anyone not wishing to play this year please let me know by return but I'm hoping for lots of abusive e-mails to say that you will don lycra and shove a box down your skids (without help) one mo' time.

A few notes :-

1. I believe that the minimum playing age has been increased for the Vets from 35 to 37 unless anyone between those ages played for us last year. This rule is self-regulated and they aren't asking for copies of passports and a blood sample from your first born child. Still, we'll play it as we see it over the course of the season and try to abide as much/best as we possibly can.

2. I'm trying to find out if Choice Cricket can let us have an hour's slot one evening before it all kicks off for a pre-season fitness session/run-out/beer. The infamous "Bleep Test" will be optional. I'll let you know what we get offered.

3. Match fees will probably be roughly the same if I could be bothered to work it out. We usually end up in about the right position by the end thanks to Simon Williams'
indecipherable spread-sheet on the "Blog".

4. The "Blog" will be up and running again soon as soon as I can remember how to do it. I'll e-mail you once I have the new fixtures and dates so that you can all fill in availability. The link is as follows :- http://the-colts.blogspot.com/

5. It looks like our first matches are Tues. 27 Sept. 2011 at 7pm v. Flamstead then Thurs. 29 Sept. 2011 at 9pm v. Frogmore and then Tues. 4 Oct. 2011 at 9pm v. Redbourn. Looks like they've lined up a tough opening for us again to try and trip us up early. There's a new team out there as well called "Vocalink" - nope, me neither.....

6. Mike Howard and JC need to return their trophies to me please when convenient.

Hope you're all looking forward to the usual banter with a game of indoor cricket thrown in there as well.

Quotes :-

"A Test match is like a painting. An Indoor match is like a Rolf Harris painting" :- Ian Chappell

"I've heard it said that this game at Indoor level is 50% in the head and 50% in the heart and bugger technique and that's not far off the mark" :- Ray Illingworth

"Indoor cricket is certainly a very good and wholesome exercise, yet it may be abused if either great or little people make it their business" :- Gentleman's magazine

"Personally, I have always looked on Indoor cricket as organised loafing" :- William Temple, Archbish. of Cant.

"The Hedge" :- Steve Waugh on being asked for his favourite animal

"Dustin Hoffman and Steve Ball in the act of appealing" :- Daryl Cullinan on being asked for his favourite actors

"Do you want Sprowse a bit wider ?" "No, he'd burst" : Chris Cowdrey

"Aye, stuff that stiff upper lip crap. Let's see how stiff it is when it's split" :- Mike Howard with a new ball

Finally and most true of all (in that I haven't changed it);

"Basically, it's just a whole bunch of blokes standing around scratching themselves" :- Kathy Lette

CURRIED AGM : FRI. 7 JAN. 2011

Beer, curry and the AGM were partaken on Friday 7 January 2011 with a good turnout from the coalition. Many thanks for all who came including "Mr. Lah-Di-Dah Gunner Alistair".

AGM:-

i)Captain's Report: Beat everyone. Won Double.
ii)Election of Officers: Capt. Prefab re-elected unopposed (that he knows of).
iii)Captain's Thanks: Simon Williams for smooth hand-over and IT support.
iv)Award: Captain's Player of the Year 2010: "Our Lord JC" : John Callendar (with merit).
v)Award: Player(s) of the Year 2010: David Whiteley & Mike Howard (shared/6 months).

Other Awards:-

i)The Brian Cant Award for Most Bricks out of Pram: Steve Ball v. Flamstead (League).
ii)The Javed Miandad Award for Petulance Upon Being Out: Capt. Prefab v. Everyone (League).
iii)Catch of the Year: Mike Howard v. Flamstead (Cup).
iv)The Jeremy Clarkson Award for No Sense of Direction in a Car: The Hedge v. Redbourn (Cup).
v)The International Player Most Likely to Feature in a Colts Quiz: VVS Laxman.
vi)The Chard/Bromhead Award for Person Most Likely to win VC: Mr. Lah-Di-Dah Gunner Alistair.
vii)The Mary Magdalene Award for Player Most Likely to Rise Again: John Callendar
viii)The "Just For Men" Award For Looking Under Age: Mike Howard (apparently)
ix)The "Up a Certain Creek" Award for Late Selection Notice: Peter Makower v. Redbourn (Cup)

Any Other Business/Action Points:-

i) Contact "Choice Cricket" about possible Vets format for next year.
ii) Player Recruitment (as necessary) ?
iii) Tour. Was this a serious commitment to really trying to get something off the ground ?

Capt. Prefab
9/2/11