In an office somewhere off Whitehall, Bond sat in a leather-bound armchair and watched Miss Moneypenny at her desk as she gently fingered his security code in to her slot. He was then called through the communicating door by “M”.
“Sit down 007. We have a crisis. Total world domination by The Colts as they leave destruction in their wake. They need to be stopped”.
“Yes of course, sir. Any clues ?”
“They’re playing tonight against Final CC in a secret location. Be careful Bond. They’re armed and at least one has a huge secret weapon”.
“So have I sir”.
Bond arrived under cover of darkness with his Aston Martin DB5 parked neatly next to Mike “Dr. Och Aye the Noo” Howard’s spanking new Audi (that also goes under water). The Colts were assembled as Bond checked them out with his spy-glasses; Prefab “Von Henry Blofeld”, Mike “Dr. The Noo” Howard, “Jaws” Callender, Simon “Drax” Williams, Peter “Oddjob” Makower and John “Nick Nack” Card. To have all of these super villains and henchmen in one place was amazing. To get to watch them carry out their evil plans in a secret, indoor location complete with submarine loading bay was almost worth making a film about.
“Blofeld” won the toss and the Colts fielded with “Oddjob” not having bowled in anger for a year and “Jaws” back from a holiday with Ursula Andress although it wasn’t clear which one of them had worn the bikini. Final CC are often reliant on Tariq as their best player but he was run out off only the second ball as a suicide mission for a single let the evil “Blofeld” collect the bouncing bomb and destroy the stumps with a maniacal laugh. How he did it holding on to a white cat was difficult to make out. “Dr. The Noo” then bowled another hapless victim leaving them shaken and stirred before “Nick” Card had the knack of picking up the next wicket thanks to a catch behind. Final were falling apart like the script from “Quantum of Solace” as another run out and a fumbled catch by “Jaws” Callender (grabbing at the ball as if it were a live grenade) left them something like 50-5. The reason for the confusion about the score is the undecipherable code that the score-sheet was written in. Bond glanced at it but gave up when it looked as though over 12 had been scored in over 7 and over 7 had in fact disappeared like a female Soviet defector in a tight uniform. The bowling figures were impossible to make out even with the help of “Q” and “Goldeneye”.
“Dr. Noo” nabbed the last bonus point with a stumping as the umpire in the cage gave the electronic gold-finger to signal the dismissal. A red flashing light at this stage suddenly seemed very appropriate.
Asked to predict the future, Solitaire could only look at the card of death and see trouble for Final as 75 all out was not likely to trouble the Colts batting unit. What wasn’t expected was a thunder-ball. “Von Blowers” (0 in 1) took strike but then had to acknowledge that he may as well have not taken his bat out with him. It was as much use as opening a poisoned umbrella in a nuclear reactor during a meltdown. Unsuspecting foreign dictators have been shot, blown up, strangled and covered in gold paint for less than delivering a perfect if gentle in-swinger that snaked between bat and pad to clip the top of the “Blowers” leg stump. Bond blinked. Did he expect “Blowers” to walk ? No Mr. Bond, but I expect you to die !! “Blowers” trudged to the cage that fortunately for him did not have a secret opening that allowed tiger sharks and piranha fish to slip in and strip his flesh from his bones in an agony of red food dye. He was stuck there for the rest of the innings not having a set of metal gnashers with which to bite his way to freedom either.
Drax (27* in 17) came in at No. 3 putting a lethal capsule of poison down his box briefs and he started slowly before unleashing a well timed 6 to the back wall. With a lazy swing Drax also moon-rakered a loose one for a maximum 8 but then came a defining moment. Another very good ball from the useful “Biles” found a thin edge but the chance went down like Pierce Brosnan on Dr. Christmas Jones. “Drax” Willo survived, in effect to live twice, and an unusual 6 leg-side wides and a cheeky “double run” ensured that the Colts were pretty much home and ready to slip in to a dry vodka martini. “Jaws” (22* in 15) managed not to meet a horrible end and “Dr. Noo” (5 in 5) was there at the end.
Bond packed his sniper scope and rifle back in to his wristwatch and had to admit that he’d been impressed by what he’d seen. For the Colts, the world truly doesn’t seem to be enough.
MoM: The team got together in the “Evil Henchmens’ Bar” after the match and wanted to give it to “Biles” for knocking over their beloved leader first cracker. “Blofeld” pressed a secret button on his chair and all of them were therefore tipped in to a vat of warm acid except for “Drax” Williams who takes it mainly for his 27*. All of the bowlers did well and have cause to be aggrieved that the score-sheet is so bad that it is impossible to work out any bowling figures.
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