Like the character in “Cool Runnings” (Feel da Riddim), Mike “The Caber” Howard was heard to say on arrival at the Choice Cricket Arena : “I am feeling very Olympic today”. And Olympic he certainly was as he put in a multiple gold medal performance whilst flicking a two-fingered “Harvey Smith” at his skipper for the offence taken at not winning a Man of the Match award last week. “The Caber” was immense in the triple-jump of batting (40* in 22 balls), bowling (2-0-15-1) and an awesome fielding display (2 catches; one brilliant and a run out) that seriously impressed the Russian judge. On the podium a spirited Redbourn were left to take silver as the Colts took the laurels and the kisses from the hot flower girls defending a par total of 137-4 to dismiss the Red Machine for 80 all out.
The Hedge had already announced that the 9pm start virtually made this game in to a “Night/Dayer” but the return of Capt. “Hammer” Prefab along with David “Hemery” Whiteley, Steve “Ping Pong” Ball and Tim “Javelin” Spencer made it a strong Colts side. Bally had even threatened to wear his new lycra, all-in-one, body-hugging swimsuit in which not only could he smuggle a budgie but also a parrot, two bulls, a cock and as many hares as he likes. With a lost toss the Colts were asked to their marks and to bat first with the Red Machine clearly concerned about coming up against our bowling attack.
“Caber” and “Hemery” (35* in 25) started well but against tight bowling from “Wiley” (3-0-26-0) who seems to improve with age like stilton or Sir Steve Redgrave. Only 5 came from his first over and “Boz” was equally miserly as the batting struggled to cope with the qualifying times. Having got boxed in on the bend at 27 from 4 overs, the score started to creep up towards 10 an over as both openers got themselves retired but “Javelin” (3 in 3) dropped the baton halfway down the track to be well stumped and “Hammer” (12 in 7) started well but ended up like Paul Radcliffe, caught with his pants down, as he tried to pinch a tough single to the off-spinner “Nigel”. This left “Ping Pong” (28 in 11) to get 100 on the board before he was caught in the nets having pulled out of a triple-tuck dive with half-pike roll and the openers had to come back in to scrape together as many as they could. “Caber” hit the bull on the back wall with a straight 8 in the last over from “Wiley” and a couple of possibly harsh umpiring calls left us short of 140 at 137-4.
There was confusion at the change-over as the skip was heard to ask Tim Spencer if he could see his “snatch” but when the subject turned out to be weight-lifting all was forgiven. Redbourn sent their most effective pair in first with “Nigel” (29 in 14) the danger man if he was able to clear the opening height. At this point “Caber” came alive like Allan Wells in the 100m, Moscow 1980, when he beat Leonard of Cuba to take gold in a race where precisely nobody on the planet remembers any of the other runners. As if the catch off his own bowling wasn’t miraculous enough (diving, one-handed and taken off the wall) then he followed up with a back-flick, direct hit run out and another sharp take to dismiss the dangerous “Nigel” from a “Ping Pong” looper. Capt. “Hammer” made like a bob-sledder and slid down the leg-side to snaffle a stumping from his opposite number and this left “Wiley” like Eric “The Eel” Moussambani as the only swimmer in the pool. It took one delivery from “Javelin” who made like Zola Budd as he shoved one through the “Wiley” defences to take the leg peg. Clutch that.
A vital win against our strongest rivals. It was like Coe v. Ovett but without the willowy limbs, pigeon chests and “118-118” GB vests. We got 13 points including bonuses and The Reds ended up with Fanny Blankers-two.
MoM : Mike “Wyndham Halswelle” Howard for a “Nadia” (perfect 10).
(NB : Wyndham Halswelle. Scotland’s most controversial gold. Halswelle, a lieutenant in the Highland Light Infantry and veteran of the Boer War, ran in the 400m final at Shepherds Bush in 1908, but was repeatedly blocked by his three American opponents. Officials disqualified the ‘winner’ JC Carpenter, and ordered a re-run using, for the first time, strings to divide the lanes. All hell broke loose between US officials and their British counterparts, and it was half an hour before the track was cleared. The two remaining Americans, William Robbins and John Taylor, then refused to run, and Halswelle strode round on his own to take gold in a time of 50 seconds. He was so disgusted that he gave up athletics, but was killed fighting in France during the first World War. He remains the only British man to have a gold, silver and bronze in individual Olympic events).
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