THE COLTS V FINAL CC : CUP FINAL : 13/10/12

And so it was, a group of magi led by Captain Prefab von “Balthazar” from the East and with him David “Cherub” Whiteley from the frozen North, Mike “Frankincense” Howard from the even farther frozen North, Rupert “Melchior” Garrett, Simon “Gabriel” Williams and Steve “Donkey” Ball. They sought a village, a stable, a child and the Choice Indoor Cricket “Double of Champions”. The only thing standing in our way were the Herods of Final CC, a formidable band of brothers whom we had only recently clashed with in the league decider. If we won, SPoTY wasn’t out of the question.

As the teams greeted each other from afar, cattle could be heard lowing in the back passage and some form of irritating archangel kept flitting around barking on about inheriting the Earth and all that was in it. We were only there for the silver plasticware, our legendary status and a pint of lager top. We were without a few key players including The Hedge who was somewhere wrapped in swaddling clothes and Peter Makower, anxiously awaiting the birth of his new hip replacement. JC was omnipresent (isn’t he always) and JC3 was monitoring progress on Bethlehem 95.8FM.

Final won the toss and dived straight in to the hay by electing to bowl first and thus reverse the order of the previous match by asking us to set a target rather than chase one. That suited us like a bowlful of honey parsnips on a Christmas lunchtime. As “Balthazar” would have batted anyway, the battle lines were drawn and no amount of farmyard animals, golden stars, strange, rotund, bearded gentlemen with huge sacks and a bunch of flea bitten reindeer were going to stop us. “Cherub” (3 in 6) was an unlucky run out victim early (no stocking for him) but “Frank” (34* in 23) and “Gabriel” (32 in 19) were frankin-immense. They cruised to 70-odd before “Frank” had to retire in the 7th over and we were well on the way to an excellent score. “Gabriel” in particular was a delight to watch with paddles, sweeps and nudges in to corners of the barn not often investigated by most other players. Easy singles were being taken and 3-a-ball plus 31 extras were getting us there. Mind you “Gabriel” has been playing the indoor game since time began. “Balthazar” (12* in 9) scraped his way to double figures but “Donkey” was out to a brilliant catch by “Paul” and “Melchior” (8 in 5) clouted the only “6” of the match before perishing to a caught and bowled off the roof. 105 in 11 wasn’t bad as a Terry’s chocolate orange goes but a crucial last over from “Arif” (.,3,3,2,5,2) went for 15 and this got us up with the angels to a very competitive 120-4. Oh Lord, we’d have taken that on the road to Damascus. The Morecambe & Wise Christmas Special was within touching distance.

The next stage of the match was cagey. The Queen may not even mention it in her speech but she did notice that it reminded her a little of Boycott and Brearley in the 1979 World Cup Final. “Paul” (20 in 19) and “Rod” (26 in 20) put on 67 for the first wicket but it had taken them in to the 8th over to do it. Once “Paul” was run out (unfortunate) it put the rest under great pressure coming in and having to get on with it. Un-Colts-like we were conceding plenty of extras (43 in the end – we must have been on the sherry !!) but it seemed that Final had left it too late. Like the “Eastenders” Christmas omnibus edition, it all happened right at the end. Bally nabbed an LBW (close perhaps but out) and gave it the “quadruple-Channon” to the crowd. “Cherub” took the bauble and took a catch whilst “Balthazar” (miracle of miracles) actually took a ball behind the stumps and nabbed “Tariq” for a Christmas goose. All of a sudden 67-0 had become 84-4 but, strangely, with the game so nearly won, Final actually sneaked ahead in the 11^th over as their 107-5 pipped our 105-4. It was a big ask for “Kevin” (14 in 9) and it proved too much although 10 to win off 4 balls was by no means impossible with the back wall as naked of cover as Grandma after she’s been on the advocaat.

We had done it. Joy to the world, peace to all men and why can you never find a Redbourn shepherd when you need one ?

A warm glow spread over the skip although that may have been a combination of the cold and an unreliable bladder.   

MOM : Simon “Gabriel” Williams (32 in 19) for reminding us all what a sensible, well played and beautifully paced indoor innings can look like.                     

Curried AGM : Look out for dates. It will also be Awards night, a ladies’ “excuse me” in “Billy’s” and Simon Williams’ guitar recital of his full of length experimental version of the Wisden Cricketers Almanac in E flat major.

THE COLTS V.FINAL CC : LEAGUE DECIDER : 4/12/12

Bally had too much time on his hands. Riffing through his CD collection he came upon “Frankie Goes to Hollywood” (a bunch of largely scouse poofs in black leather but hey, we’re not judging) and as the teams warmed up, the bass intro of “Two Tribes” thundered across the arena. There was even a small crowd minus the obligatory pooch. This was big news. The last Colts league game of the season and everything up for grabs. Final are the most improved side on the circuit and were handily placed to dethrone us but the papers were reporting a quiet confidence from the Colts camp. We’d even considered getting our new damson coloured playing shirts out (borrowed from Team England Rugby). 

For the record, the men facing history were: Skip Prefab Von Run Out, David “Tyke” Whiteley, Simon “Michael Jordan” Williams (he leaps, he soars), Mike “Class Act” Howard, Rupes “That’ll be a pound” Garrett and The Hedge. Mako, JC and JC3 were there in spirit as were many others. 

God it was tense. It was as tense as NATO nuclear disarmament negotiations conducted inside a tent. That’s how tense it was. It was tense like Jagger. Tense like Glastonbury. Tense like inside The Duchess of Cambridge’s uterus. It was that tense. Did I mention the tension ? It was beyond comprehension. Final sprang a surprise by winning the toss and deciding to bat. “I knew that we’d bowl” sniffed Hedge. When asked if he knew what the result was going to be Hedge said “Yes....but I’m not going to tell you”. Would he be right ? 

Hell we were good. When rheumy eyed old men scratch their codlings by the fire and stretch their various joint replacements at some distant point in the future, they will talk of how good the Colts were in the field. We were legends of awesomeness. We took hold of it, slapped it about a bit, stacked it and then smothered it in golden syrup before having it with bacon and a cup of coffee. Our seamers bowled like a dream and a particularly sexy dream at that. Mike (3-0-19-1) knocked over Paul (7 in 8), their decent opener and followed that up with a screamer of a catch to get rid of Tariq (7 in 7). He was also involved in one of our three run outs. Hedge (3-0-19-0) was as mean as Pacino in “Scarface” but with a visage containing the innocence of a newborn child. He was vocal from backward point as well. Apparently Rupes was “epic” (word of the day toilet-paper coming in handy). Rupes (3-0-19-1), he of the lengthy warm up and creaking arm, made the ball weave in the middle overs meaning that Nick (28 in 22) was kept pretty tied down. “Tyke” (3-0-27-1) was like a Yorkshireman with a spare brass farthing, not giving anything away if he could help it. You’d have to prize this match out of his cold lambing hands. The Colts were fighting for the inches and the breaks were coming for us. Hedge dropped a chance but the next ball we had a run out. Skip gloved a stumping chance and was momentarily confused when the umpire in the cage shook his head but then pressed the red button.    

At halfway Final were 40-3 and knew they were in a match. Have you ever seen a bunch of strapped up, middle aged geezers swarm ? Well, The Colts swarmed on this night. The blood was up and with minimal motivation required we flew in to the match. No runs were coming except for side wall singles. Nick decided that “Tyke” had to go. He hit a dream of a lofted straight drive. Would it be 8 or even a max 10 ? The crowd drew breath. But hang on.....is that his Royal “Airness” I see complete with Jordan Nike pumps, tongue flapping in the breeze and just about to block the attempt crying “Allez Oop” like a banshee ? Well, sort of, yes. This was what it was to be a Colt last night. The very essence of being a complete and utter Colt. The impossible made to seem ordinary and commonplace. Simon Williams, leaping like a flea just bitten by another flea whilst standing on a Mexican jumping bean. He’ll never reach it. Reach it ? He very nearly bloody caught it. A minimum 6 runs saved. Massive. Vital. 84 all out in 11.3 overs. 7 an over to win. Not huge in indoor terms but only half a job done. 

Hedge was succinct. “If you think that’s the match won then you’re facking nuts. We ain’t there yet. Long way to go”. So wise; so young, they say. 

It was tense (oh please for the love of God get a move on – we get it – Ed.). Skip Prefab thought his heart condition was coming on. He was popping tabs. “Tyke” may have had IBS. Rupes was jittery. Bally was mumbling to himself. Simon was patching up his pads. We needed a good start and we got one. 35-0 in 3 and going well. Over 3 went for 14, the most in the whole match and that was off Tariq’s twirlers. Skip (13 in 13) had been dropped from his very first ball. Another inch. Then it went pear. Or possibly melon. A bad call (not exactly a novelty) and the skip sold “Tyke” (17 in 13) down the Humber. Yorkshire (with some soft Southern vowels) oaths filled the air. As so often this season, another wicket followed shortly afterwards as Skip steered his guilt in to the hands of gully. Shades of Redbourn (also coincidentally the title of Simon Williams’ new album of experimental guitar pieces).

It was time for a class act. Mike (25* in 23) controlled the game with a well paced and crucial innings. He even had the patience to play out an almost unheard of indoor maiden. We were 50-2 at the half and ahead on anyone’s card but those last 36 runs needed scoring. Simon (6 in 7) popped one up and Final sniffed something. It may have been Skip Prefab sitting up in the bleachers, powerless but endlessly flatulent. Sage old Bally muttered “That was a crucial partnership”. Nick to Mike; smash. The ball came back hard at the bowler. Too hard. Like the Times crossword. Nick got his hands up but hardly stopped the momentum of the ball as it headed for a huge 8. A massive moment in the game. Incredibly, the umpire had not been able to duck and the ball smacked in to his cranium before diverting away to safety. Had it rebounded to a fielder Mike would have been caught. Another inch. When their turns came (after Mike retired) both Hedge (4* in 8) and Rupes (3* in 4) showed great sense in picking off the remaining few. Over 10 went for 11 runs but in the 6 overs before that we had scored just 30. An unexpected Tariq leg-side wide and another from Nick helped and we needed 10 from the last 2 overs. A final over wide from Arif and the league title was again ours. 

There was no riotous cheering (yep, we’re that popular). This was a hard won and hard fought title from the loss to Redbourn to eking out the final win against Final who are now very much a team to be reckoned with. It was a match that deserved it’s own DVD. Not the exciting classic of the Cup semi-final loss of last year but a nerve-shredding, chest tightening, nose bleeding, headache inducing test of character. 

Well done boys, Harpenden salutes and is proud of every squad member. This was a tough one.  

MoM : Big matches need big players and vice versa. Like Lionel Messi on a sugar high and the boobs of that blonde bint from “I’m a Celebrity”, Mike Howard was all over the place last night. 25*, 1-19, a great catch and a run out.

THE COLTS V.ST.JOHN FISHER : LEAGUE : 28/11/12

Here starteth the lesson. “Bishop” (male) Prefab had his flock round him at the Church of the Holy Choice as he led his team in prayer. There was “Archdeacon” Hedge with a small chorister nestling under his cassock, Peter “Communion” Makower, Steve “Organ” Ball, David “Boy Soprano” Whiteley, and JC was, well JC was JC. He always is isn’t he ? And he moves in mysterious ways.

The opponents were St. John of the Fishermen and there was no need for talk of loaves and feeding the five thousand before the game although it was a bit concerning that it took four Colts to work out which way round the “Archdeacon’s” pads went on. As a biblical flood continued to rage outside and a plague of locusts filled the air, “Bishop” won the toss and batted after looking at his wristband that says “WWJD” (stands for “What Would Jedward Do ?”). The genesis of a good innings began with 44-0 off 4 and “Bish” (32* in 15) retired despite being dropped off a caught and bowled when his dismissal may have led to a very interesting match indeed. Still, there was no sign of an apple, serpent or fig-leaf at this stage until the usual Colts collapse when we made a right wedding in Cana of the middle overs. “Boy Soprano” (23 in 20) was LBW to the fickle finger of fudge (it was doing just enough) whilst “Communion” (6 in 6) whined about his run out and the “Archdeacon” (1 in 2) lobbed a full toss up in to the netting and got crucified as he came off. 71-3 off 8 required divine intervention and when the world is against you and you need a man to walk on water, it is helpful to be able to call on your own resident JC (17 in 18) to bless this house. “Organ” (15 in 11) tickled a few and blocked a few and when the “Bish” came back in we had managed 25 from the last two overs to set a fair target of 111. Nothing special mind you. The Colts were still just about singing from the same song sheet but the collection plate looked a bit on the empty side. Had we made a hassock of the holy thing ?               

As for most of the season, when we needed something with the orb, we got it. “Archdeacon” (2-0-8-1) bowled with reverence including an absolute jaffa to clip the top of middle peg. “Organ” (3-0-11-3) is probably due to be beatified for a number of absolute beauties in his spell with all three batsmen clean bowled as the ball whistled through like the Holy Ghost up a nun’s nightdress (your scribe is going straight to Hell for this match report). At 30-4 in 6 the match was done as The Fish succumbed to Satan and all his little wizards. They

made the mistake of simply “trying not to get out” rather than trying to score the runs. Anil (17 in 17) probably should have opened and was convincingly the best Fisher on show as he added a few in a last disciple stand. “Communion” (3-0-21-2) took the other wickets as we also let through a disappointing 27 extras including 22 in wides.

The Colts weren’t evil. We weren’t even atheist or agnostic. We didn’t vote against female bishops nor did we trespass in the house of laity nor against those that trespass against us (regularly). We were just a bit hollow rather than hallowed. Maybe the big games coming up against Final were on our minds.

MoM : His kingdom come and his will be done. He’s also not averse to a bit of daily bread. The power and the Bally for his 3-fer.         

COLTS V. FROGMORE : CUP SEMI FINAL : 15/11/12

The Led Zepp theme tune to “Top of the Pops” blasted out across the PA system as the Captain (and Tenille) “Kid Diddy” Prefab tossed up dressed in a white cricket shirt with huge pointed collars, a tank-top, flared trousers, a Dr. Who scarf and strange T-Rex mascara. He called “Talking Heads”. It was “Tails”. The winner takes it all. It was a motley crew of beastie boys who made up the team :  “Kid Diddy”, Dave “Lee” Whiteley, Andrew “The Hairless Cornflake” Hedges, Mike “Fluff” Howard, John “Nicey” Card and Peter “Our Tune” Makower (ever popular with the ladies).

Before the game there had been a remarkable team meeting where every possible scenario of toss, batting line up and God knows what else was discussed. As a guitar gently weeped in the corner, “Kid Diddy” was told to naff off and get the match started by opening the batting with “Lee”. It was a masterpiece. After 5 overs we were ride on time and there must have been an angel somewhere as we were 60-0 with “Kid Diddy” (25 in 14) and “Lee” (31 in 20) both climbing the charts like a boy band with new haircuts. “Fluff” (28 in 11) took it on but the revelation was “Our Tune” (28 in 10). It was remarkable not least because with his killer looks and general irresistibleness, Pete was fighting off Pan’s People, Legs & Co. and the Goombay Dance Band for most of it. Over 9 was a great illustration as “Mick” went for a big 20 (dot,5,3,3,3,6) and “Cornflake” (12 in 7) and “Fluff” both Tatu’d (did you see what I did there ?) the back wall by some terrific clouting with their rhythm sticks. In fact, we only made a blancmange of the final over where we managed to lose 3 nutty boy run outs in a moment of madness but 159-5 (all run out) was Whitney Houston perfect (i.e. an exceptional performance until it went completely deranged at the end). The drugs can work. The only embarrassment was “Our Tune” pumping out his own version of “We don’t have to take our pads off (to have a good time)” in the last seconds.

The Frog Chorus crossed the white line (something like a phenomenon) and after an early run out they took it to 60-1 off 5 and were well on course. This narked “Lee” who decided to body rock their opener with a cheeky little shoulder charge. This caused a falling out like that of Simon and Garfunkel’s when they disagreed over the title of “Tunnel Under Contented Water”. Punches were nearly thrown. Lights nearly went out and walls almost came tumbling down. Further confusion reigned when the umpire intervened to suggest that fielding the ball in the restricted zone was girls not allowed. Oh Vienna. “Our Tune” (3-0-23-2) was having a thriller as the Frogs tumbled to 78-5 and the match was won. “Kid Diddy” mind you was having a Jocky Wilson said of an evening where it would have been nice if he’d taken at least one behind the stumps just for the novelty value. “Everything I do, I do it for you” he wailed in a vain attempt to protect his position as captain of their hearts. It was safe to say there was no chance of him walking off to “The Reflex” at the end.

So, it’s all to play for. St. John Fisher and then double Final including the final against Final. You’d be Jimmy Savile to miss it.

MoM: It’s not even close. Like the old, tall, bald, thin Duke that he is, Pete “Our Tune” Makower (28 & 2-23) rocked it.                               

THE COLTS V. VOCALINK : LEAGUE : 13/11/12

(A Colt-ian Rhapsody)

Is this the real life ?
Is this just fantasy (cricket) ?
Caught down the leg-side (Bally – how ?)

No escape from reality.

Open your eyes
And stop bowling pies you see.
I'm just the poor skip, I get no sympathy
Because I'm "Easy run, easy go"
Simon’s out, Simon’s low
Any way the Colts win, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Mikey, just ran you out
Made a call but made it wrong
Umpire’s triggered, now he's gone.

Mikey, my knock  had just begun
But have we gone and thrown it all away ?
Mikey, Ooohh-ooooh

Didn't mean to run you out
If I’m not back again to play v. Final (CC)
Carry on, carry on, as nothing really matters.

Too late, our time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Knees are aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mikey, Ooohh-ooooh –

I don't wanna die
I sometimes wish I'd never been picked at all. 

I see a little silhouett-o of a man
Is it Dave ? Must be Dave. Will he do the Fandango ?
Rupert bowls like lightning , very very frightening me ?

Bally-leo, Bally-leo

Bally-leo, Figaro - Magnifico!

I'm just the poor skip, nobody loves me
(He's just the poor skip from a poor family
Spare him his life, he’s a monstrosity).
Easy run, easy go – always calling “No !” (eventually)
Bismillah! Wait I I’m always calling No – calling No !
Bismillah! Wait ! I’m always calling No – calling No !

No, no, no, no, no, no, no !

Oh Mikey Howard, Mikey Howard, Mikey Howard ! Let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me ! For me ! For me!

So you think you can stop us with a few games to go ?

So you think you can field but you just overthrow

Oh baby - can't do this to us, baby
Just gotta run out -- just gotta run right outta here

The Double really matters
Anyone can see
The Double really matters
The Double really matters to me.

Any way the wind blows...

(cymbal crash)

(MOM sleeve notes : They only had 5 men and made 82 all out and we chased it down on 83-3. Rupes (3-0-13-1) was on fire but it’s going to David Whiteley (3-0-19-1 and 27* in 14).

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : LEAGUE : 6/11/12

(In best dodgy accent)

Kkhello, my name still “Prefab” Borat and this still my willage. You like ? Ulhaqistan much like it was the last time you here. Global recession. I try to set up Ulhaqistan Hit-Ball-Stick Board Of Control. Not a success. We not have two cow-pats to rub together. Can’t even get Mark Ramprakash on a Bosman.

We still strong in “Hit Ball Stick”. Good side but this year less “Hit” and more “Miss”. “Willow” very grumpy. He say mania with trying to hit willage back wall. Would like to see more “tip and run”. At least his dodgy goatee gone. What about “Hedge with ‘tache" ? Now clean chin. Less virile more shriek like lady-girl when ball tapped to him and hit thumb. Just stop ball “Hedge without ‘tache". This no game for Jessie J’s. I still twice nightly with “Whiteley”. Very nice, yes.

Team made up by “Mike” from North of Border up the Khyber Pass. Also “Bally”. He has touch of the Delhi Belly. These days we are all a bit more Belly and a bit less Delhi.

We play the “Bamga Dins”. We should win. Last year we gave them pummelling like camel mounting kitten. If we win again there is every prospect that we dance “Gangnam Style”. We are dung-hot on the night. “Willow” (26* in 19) and “Mike” (44* in 14) take “Ani” to f@cking cleaners and we soon 79-1 off 6. “Whiteley” (12 in 8) fall trying to cut one off his fringe. “Whiteley” scream in private moment “Wun oop thar, wun doon thar, nae ball, not nae ball – what’s goin’ on oot thar ?”. We send for wise woman to translate for heem.

Borat (25* in 12) not bad and “Mike” take “Jeremy” to the bridge with an 8. “Hedge” (no ‘tache and before lady-girl shriek – 20* in 11) also notching. 190-2 in 12. Sorted. We back on song. Willage come down to watch. Also filming. We may be on “Hit Ball Stick AM” with Sarah Jane Mee. Tasty. Some bloke called “Barney Francis” kybosh deal with Hit-Ball-Stick Board Of Control. Wad.

Also, point of reference. “Bamga Dins” give us 59 extras in wides and no balls. This a bit like bringing ewe’s milk and goat cheese to Ulhaq “Stag Do” and bringing the ewe and the goat as well for afters. Tidy. "Bamga Dins" Youth Project has off night.  

With ball we do fine. “Bally” (2.4-0-15-3) on song with LBW, clean bowled and a catch. Clean bowled not so fun. I get ricochet right in the scrote-pukka after ball hit stump. I am alarmed by claret. Not wish to follow “Hedge” example so man up despite huge cut require many stitch. Men die in battle less hurt. I am   inwincible !! Also get catch behind off “Willow”. We give up 30 in wides which is a pretty rotten return for a bunch of so-called experienced cricketers who ought to know which way round a batsman stands (“Right Hand !”) but no big harm done to result.     

“Ani” give it big grumble on LBW and Manish (29 in 38) get them to 81 all out.

Now for big main tent and drink and songs ! Me feel good and me feel like some man company. Where “Whiteley” and lady-girl “Hedge” (no ‘tache) ?  

MoM : Can’t give to self but deserve it for bravery. Love “Bally” but no runs. Ah “Mikey” (44* and 1-11).

THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : LEAGUE : 1/11/12

And now for something completely pretty much the same... 

At the Choice Ministry for Silly Cricket, The Colts again proved themselves the Knights of Nii with the ball having been upper class twits of the year with the bat for yet another game. Captain “Monty” Prefab’s flying circus freaks dug themselves out of another hermit hole (no juniper berries) having posted a wholly inadequate total of 106 in the first innings. The batting order had been a bit of a thorny issue and “Monty” discussed dropping further down the order with Mike “Spiny Norman” Howard. “Nae,” said “Spiny “you’re a natural opener and I should know as I’ve followed a few”.

“Monty” and “Spiny” were joined by the “Piranha Bothers” of JC and JC3 as well as Rupert “Mr. Creosote” Garrett (last seen stuck in a traffic jam at Heathrow) and Simon “Brian” Williams. The meaning of life this probably wasn’t but the meaning of staying at the top of the table was beating a decent looking Flamstead bunch who did not appear particularly weakened by half term hols, having their haircut but only after taking their coat and moving it down to the lower peg as well as finishing their prep homework and then taking Molesworth junior to afternoon tea. 

In fact “Spiny” and “Brian” opened but the first over was a bit of a disaster. As “Brian” (1 in 3) clumped off after yet another unfortunate run out he was heard to proclaim of “Spiny” (7 in 7) : “He’s not an opening batsman he’s a very naughty boy”. The Colts only averaged 9 an over and early run outs (“Spiny” contributed to his own downfall with a run out involving a giant wooden bunny) didn’t help leaving “Monty” (37* in 25) to cry out at 30-2 off 4 “Alright, let’s call it a draw”. Flam’s bowling was straight and true and a lot of dots came from straight drives that couldn’t pierce the back wall defences. As “Brian” might have put it “Apart from bowling straight, fielding well, protecting the back wall, cutting off singles and taking run outs – what did Flamstead ever do for us ?”. “Mr. Creosote” (16 in 17) played a terrific little knock but the “Piranha Brothers” nailed their own heads to the floor with a LBW and a poke to gully and it was clear that a target of 140 had to be adjusted to 120 and then 110. “Monty” managed to cobble a few as we scraped to 106-4 helped by 28 wides. As an innings though it had passed on. It was no more. It had ceased to be. It had expired and gone to meet it’s maker ! It was a stiff. Bereft of life. It rested in peace. Pushing up the daisies. Our metabolic processes were now history. We had kicked the bucket. Shuffled off our mortal coil. Run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible...

Things were not looking good.

But with the ball, and after a restorative mouthful of otter’s spleens, a packet of wolf nipple chips (get ‘em while they’re hot) and the holy grail stuffed down the skipper’s pants, The Colts are a different proposition. We were terrific. Right from the word “Jehovah” we were terrific. “Spiny” (3-0-26-4) was brilliant for 2 overs and downright dangerous for the last one (beamer). “Mr. Creosote” (3-0-25-1) was just as good with diving stops and a ball a la Glen McGrath to clean bowl their number 4. “Brian” (3-0-24-0) kept it tidy apart from fielding the one that he let go clean under his own scrotum off “Spiny” (run out pay-back) and the “Piranha Brothers” were patrolling everywhere else. At 43-3 off 6 we thought that we had them but “MB” (25 in 26) kept them in the picture and we needed something (not the comfy chair) from the Spanish Inquisition. Fortunately the salmon mousse took care of the rest but the Flams finished on a very creditable and hardly idle 97-5 in another result too close for comfort. We really must sort out the batting chaps . By the way, the meaning of life : It's nothing very special, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. It’s that simple. Also, dab the ball in to the side wall and call and then run like you mean it.   
                
MoM : “Monty” would like to award it to himself (as always) for his 37* and Rupes had a top game as well but truthfully we were up a shrubbery (but a nice one) if it weren’t for the Big Yin “Spiny Norman” (4-26). Happy 41st birthday Mike. 

THE COLTS V. CRABTREE DADS : LEAGUE : 23/10/12

Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the mire of the Choice Cricket Centre. Captain “Lord Voldemort” Prefab took off his invisibility cape and apparated in to the car park with Steve “Ron Weasley” Ball in time to take a sniff of flu powder, sneak past a rancid Dementor and cast a spell on any of the other ridiculously named creatures that JK Rowling saw fit to cram in to 600 pages of childish nonsense masquerading as literature. Andrew “Uncle Feste” Hedges was already there as were Mike “Thing” Howard, John “Hermione” Card and Simon “Whomping” Willow. Quidditch this was not going to be.

The Colts lost the toss for a change but still batted first as the Dads decided to take defence against the dark arts by bowling first and looking to chase. “Lord Voldemort” (38 in 25) strapped on his pads and gathered up his snake (he’s got a big opinion of himself hasn’t he ? – Ed.) and sought to cast a spell of illusionary batsmanship early doors. This backfired somewhat in that he then proceeded to run out three of his colleagues. Even The Ministry of Magic couldn’t have sorted out these deceptions as “Whomping” (6 in 4) was deceived by a poor call (although a direct hit didn’t help) whilst “Thing” (28 in 14) and “Weasley” (12 in 7) were all severusly snaped by bad calls, bad running and generally bad cricket. The irony was not lost on “Uncle Feste” who pointed out that running between the wickets had been the subject of an extensive owl mail exchange that very afternoon. The idea that “Lord Voldemort” might have been on the butter beer was not dismissed out of hand.

The Colts kept a steady 10-an-over going but the Dads are a much improved side and “Ben” (3-0-24-0), “Nearly Headless Nick” (3-0-23-1) and “Al” (2-0-18-2) all bowled well backed up by some sharp fielding. The Colts batting was a little muggled as “Feste” (11 in 5) chipped to midwicket and “Hermione” (6 in 5) was like a Hippogriff caught in the headlights after his fore-hand smash was well caught by the bowler. Even "Nearly Headless Nick" was surprised at the passage of play as "Al" sent down two high beamers in a row to “Hermione” giving up 20 runs in over 9 which eventually proved to be the winning margin. “Lord Voldemort” continued his dastardly deeds to hit a late 6 but he was out with 3 balls to go and The Colts were Cornelius partly-fudged to finish up with a half-blood 128 all out. Only 17 paltry notches came from the last 3 overs when the slog-warts should have been on.

What The Colts lack with the wand they more than make up for with the golden snitch however (and for the golden snitch, don’t forget to ask “Thing” about his Scottish stag party entertainment). “Feste” (3-0-23-0) continues to show he is the bowler in form and “Whomping” (3-0-25-3) was just as dangerous. Several loopy and demonic leg-breaks accounted for an easy stumping and two very difficult caught-and-bowleds as the Dads slumped to 46-3 in 6 and the game was over. Or was it ? Polyjuice potion was pumping through “Ben’s” veins (35 in 15) as he smote the ball over hill and down Mrs. Dale. Two run-outs helped and “Ben” was faced with a tough ask of 20 to win from the last 2 balls and it was doubly dangerous as “Thing” served a peach of an in-swinger to mangle the stumps and send Albus Dumbledore back to his momma. The Colts win but it was closer than many might have thought and a few bonus points may have gone begging.             

MoM: “Lord Voldemort” was effectively 38-4 so he’s out. Gryffindor House recognises Simon “Whomping” Willow for having an entirely apt nickname as well as bowling extremely well and holding most of his catches.

THE COLTS V. FROGMORE : LEAGUE : 18/10/12

Andrew “Grey Goose” Hedges was a shadow of his former self in the warm-up to this match (with warm-up meaning the standing around chatting and watching the previous game through the netting as the batting side inexplicably grabbed defeat from the jaws of certain victory). A blood sample of pure vodka was enough to put him personally on the WADA list as a banned substance right up there next to Lance Armstrong’s urine. With eyes like two red traffic lights in a Minnesota snowstorm, “The Goose” was vaguely aware of his surroundings, vaguely aware that he was doing something sporting and vaguely aware that he had driven to get there. However, he stuck religiously to his theme that “It was all the broker’s fault” before admitting that him and Grey Goose vodka “May have a bit of a problem that we need to sort out”. This was a bit like saying that Serbians aren’t too keen on that nice immigrant family that has just moved in down the road.         

The Colts, still rusty but applying oil like a Balinese goddess of plenty on a feast day, won the toss again and decided to stick with batting first. Captain “Black Swan” Von Prefab led the team with “The Grey Goose” Hedges, David “Dead Duck” Whiteley, Pete “Bald Eagle” Makower, Mike “Red Rooster” Howard and John “Cock Robin” Card. Steve “Ugly Duckling” Ball took his scoring duties very seriously and produced a scorecard worthy of Tony Hart’s gallery. “Duck” (42 in 22) was in prime rib form in the opening exchanges as 45 went on the board in just 3 overs. “Black Swan” (11 in 10) continued his struggle to find a wall or fully complete a run and it was left to “Rooster” (62* in 27) to really spank it around. “Cock Robin”, “Bald Eagle” and “Goose” fell in a variety of ways although “Cock” got a good one first nut. A cock ‘n’ ball story that one. As 69-2 became 71-4 at around halfway, The Colts batting was again as fragile as a BBC 1970 children’s TV presenter’s reputation but finally 141-5 was reached which usually sits as the benchmark for a decent score. The only controversy was a hotly disputed run out but rather than a dispute between the teams it was a dispute between the batter “Duck” and the ump in the cage “Cock”. In fact, the words “duck” and “cock” may well have been used in the exchange (or something very much like them). “Rooster” and “Duck” scored just under 74% of the team’s runs.

Frogmore hadn’t bowled badly and now they were looking to chase well with the bat but they ran in to a Colts bowling unit that finally put an innings together with the apple. “Bald Eagle” (2-0-22-1) had a good LBW triggered bang in front and hurricane “Goose” (3-0-14-2) simply wrecked the innings. Sweating neat grain spirit and focusing grimly on the middle set of stumps that he could see, “Goose” had a nibble behind and a clean bowled in an over that went “w.w1.w” with a run out thrown in for good measure. The Frogs allez from 27-1 to 28-4 and the match was won. Even an extraordinary “Red Rooster” overthrow at the far end when he clearly couldn’t decide whether to under-arm an over-arm throw or over-arm an under-arm one didn’t matter very much. Mr. Salt (19 in 18 with 2 x 6’s) added a bit of spice but 59 all out left The Colts clear winners by 82 runs and a morale boost in the league.

MoM : Can’t look anywhere but the “Red Rooster” for 62* but “Dead Duck” gave us a fine start. The batting in general still needs some work but the bowling tonight was extremely

good.

NB : If you get a chance, ask Hedge about his drive home. It was an episode of “Top Gear” all on it’s own. 

THE COLTS V. CRABTREE DADS : CUP : 12/10/12

It was a new flight of fancy in the cup for The “Women’s Auxiliary Balloon Corp.” Colts as they looked to check in at the economy desk of fate only to hope that we had been upgraded to the First Class lounge complete with free Buck’s Fizz (remember them – now performing in an airport lounger near you) and a complimentary pair of flight slippers and a sleep mask. Captain Baron Von Richtofen had selected his flight crew from jet-setters around the globe with David “Louis Bleriot” Whiteley flying in direct from Schipol with a suspicious bulge in his trousers that may or may not have been a bag of weed. Nice. Andrew “Biggin Hill” Hedges had made it on time in his flying cap and goggles (no handlebar ‘tache though) and Our Lord JC (DFC and bar), Micky “Mannock” Howard and Stephen “Dougie Bader” Ball made up the flying squad.

Chocks away and a win of the toss saw The Colts yell “Contact” as propellers spun in to action with “Mannock” (33 in 13) and “Bleriot” (31* in 13) putting on an unbroken 50 for the first pair. “Biggin” (11 in 7) then swooped in low before running himself out and JC (11 in 7) fell for the oldest trick in the indoor book. At the non-striker’s end he stood nonplussed as his skipper, as unstoppable as a jumbo on a package flight to Malaga, took off from the far end of the runway shouting in to his radio “Waiting, waiting waiting” before then yelling “Abort !!!” and performing an Immelman turn on the spot to land safely back at base to get his oil levels checked. JC, understandably confused by the calling and the sight of what must have looked like the half of the Fleet Air Arm’s finest just about to take off, responded in kind only to have to try and turn around himself and getting shot down in mid-air by a half decent piece of fielding. “Richtofen” (18 in 12) then did something not dissimilar to leave “Dougie” (16 in 7) stranded like a lone bag on the conveyor belt to nowhere and all of a sudden a total of 150 was being taken off the indicator boards and the “Wait at Gate” sign went on. The openers came back to add a bit of gloss including an “8” from “Mannock” but 139-5 was a bit disappointing and The Colts remain a work in progress with the bat.

As the oil can of youth was applied to aching limbs and a fresh can of diesel poured in to the tank, “Biggin” Hedge (3-0-19-1) took aim and started sending down “Hellfires” whilst early on JC (2-0-29-0) had a few surface-to-leg-side missiles. It was Micky “Mannock” who broke the deadlock with a good one and took one of their blighters with him. It was a controversial one in that the batsman had sauntered down the track but an inswinging yorker hitting you low and plumb in front probably meant that fighter command had given a good decision. The batter went to the station mess muttering darkly about Duxford Wings and the “Hun in the Sun”. The match went in to a baggage handlers slump after that with nothing much happening (French air traffic controllers were on strike) apart from any number of edges and balls somehow not hitting the stumps. A word must be said for top gun “Ginger” JC (upgraded to DSO, DFC and a drink at the bar) who threw himself at everything as the ball followed him around the court. It was sensational stuff and probably should have prompted a drugs test and full body cavity search.

The Pops made a good fight of it and at one stage were 85-2 from 8 but with some strong bowling overs still to come the result was not likely to be an upset. Air Chief Marshall Prefab could rule the skies once more as his spitfires came softly in to land on the springy turf of the Kent countryside leaving those Crabtree Fokkes downed all over England.

MOM : Micky “Mannock” Howard has a huge call for this but sometimes one man rises above the occasion to transcend everything and do a hundred things that the rest of us could hardly dream of. That grand chap last night was Our Lord JC who threw himself everywhere and added useful runs and overs. At one point there was a real fear that he’d bought a packet and gone goose over stumps Frog-side. Mercifully not as it turned out.

THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : LEAGUE : 2/10/12

Out of order! Out of order! The cries (or was it crying ?) from the speaker’s chair and from the Choice Indoor balcony rang out as Rupert Garrett, Minister for Lost Causes, was last man out left with the impossible job of trying to turn our Nick Clegg of a second innings in to a Winston Churchill. PM Clement Sprowson had already called the General Election by opting to bowl first and for the first half of the match everything went extremely well. Babies were kissed, speeches given, budgets were approved and hustings were, well, whatever you do with hustings. Minister for Indie Music Simon Williams (0-20) bowled with plenty of spin doctoring (a la Alistair Campbell) and the fielding was keen. John "Ballot" Card was miserly as well but only 2 run outs were made (one required the boot of Tim, the Earl of Spence) as Redbourn went to the country and ended up with a Chorley by-election of a score at 106-2 at only just under 9 an over. In fact, the middle 6 overs went for only 40 runs which is a good effort in anyone’s copy of Hansard. “Boz” (his mum calls him Darren) retired with 25* as did “Chris” but “Anthony” took 18 balls over his painful 9 and it looked as though the Colts would take a second term in office and be able to put our feet up on the leather armchair in the sitting room of No. 10, whilst getting stuck in to the Duchy of Cornwall Hob Nobs in the secret biscuit barrel that nobody has known about since the crisis over that batch of broken Garibaldis.   

PM Clement (14 in 10) and “Two Jags” Whiteley (15 in 18) took the party to 37-0 by the end of the 3rd over and Redbourn were in grave danger of losing their deposit. What could possibly go wrong ? Even Peter Snow’s “swing-o-meter” (on loan from the BBC) was showing a healthy majority and then it all went a bit Brighton hotel. The PM and "Two Jags" had a major policy u-turn in mid-pitch leaving the PM out on a limb, caught short and facing a bail deficit to the tune of two at the non-stricker's end. In the space of the next 15 balls we got David Dimblebyed to the tune of Earl Spencer (run out), the Minister for Indie Music (slapped one back to the 'keeper off the wall), "Two Jags" (leading question and leading edge) and Minister for Churches JC3 (steered a short wide one to the foreign office and was posted overseas). All of a sudden we were 55-5 and done for. The Minister for Lost Causes (Rupes - 13 in 31) took some unhelpful stick from the back benches as he bravely tried to prevent a landslide. Redbourn even helpfully threw in nearly an entire over of John Prescotts (very wides) from their very occasional off-spinner Nigel but it didn't matter.

85 all out and a loss by 21 runs was probably the poorest performance from Dem Colts for years and the feeling in the bar said every bit as much. It was enough for the PM to start drafting his Geoffrey Howe "broken bats" speech or at least offering to spend more time with this family. It's time to prepare (again) for government.

MoM : Awkward. A shared half on a grisly night. Simon Williams for the best cricket of the evening with the ball and Rupes for sheer strength of character in not wrapping the bat around the head of everyone who had already got themselves out but then shouted themselves hoarse with well intentioned bits of so-called advice from the Upper Gallery.

Improvements needed. Green shoots of recovery and all that. All suggestions to Rt. Hon. PM Clement Major-Blair as he re-shuffles his drinks cabinet.

STEVIE BALLY-STEROS : 2 UP....

With no laughing at any Americans intended, Bally took up the pitching wedge of power and made a nice up-and-down from the deep rough that Captain Olly Prefab von Colsaerts had left him in by sodding off to Dublin for the week. Bally-steros went round nicely in 2-under par as Long Marston and Totternhoe were wild off the tee and ended up out-of-bounds.

The scoresheets make for awkward reading so a few quotes from the written words will suffice :-

Long Marston:- 

• Howard: 43* Not Out Legend
• Ali: Howard Juggle x3 (is that like the Ali Shuffle ?). 
• Lee: Apparently The Tower turned one.
• No Balls: Four run outs.

Totternhoe:- 

• The Colts: Long tail
• Mike H.: Dropped on 8 & 14 (never mind - he only made 46*). 
• Tim S.: Chipped one to short mid-on.
• JC3: Bowled by across the line. 
• Ball: Retired for one ball....!!
• Robinson: Nowhere near it !
• Pete: Ct. off roof. 
• Tower: Grenades.
• "Was their scorer watching the same game ?". 

That seems to have been the gist of it. The comments are not attributed to anyone and are written in "tongue-in-cheek" mode !!

For the record The Colts made 120-5 to beat LM (59 all out) by quite a few. Also 155-5 (with Bally doing both his nut and his inner groin at the same time) was too much for the T's (60 all out).

MoM's : Tricky from a Guinness infused haze but we'll give it to Mike Howard for LM and Bally for Totts.   






   



 

THE PRINCE HARRY "POOL PARTY" 2012 PRE-SEASON SESH....

For all those interested and can/might make it, we are confirmed as booked in for 9pm on Weds. 19 Sept. 2012. There will be shuttles, the "bleep" test (that's the "bleep" Bally says when he's been tonked for an 8) and ice baths afterwards. At the moment we have about 7 down as "Yes/Probable" so another couple would be really useful to make it a good session.  

It is with great reluctance that I also have to report that I have dropped "KP" from the squad but after slagging me off in Afrikaans text messages to certain Redbourn players (apparently he called me a "slopjhy kuunt" - whatever that means) I just had to let him go for the greater good of team morale.

Apologies for nagging those that have been away on holiday etc.

THE HEDGE "PRANCING ON ICE" INJURY SHOCKER....

It is appropriate that the Colts now issue an injury bulletin in respect of Andrew “Big White” Hedges and his amazing, performing, upside down, snow-board.

Whilst doing “Acros” off a “Demon Mogul” and attempting to catch “Big Air” whilst surfing a “Rad Bump”, Hedge of the Antarctic managed to leave a “Bomb-hole” and a “Butt-plant” after taking a nose-dive in to the “Boilerplate” in Chamonix. Ending up with the “Champagne powder” (both kinds) up his schnozz, Hedge alleges that the conditions were well gnarly with “Death Cookies” and “Frozen Chicken Heads” everywhere. Luckily there weren’t many “Gapers” to see him “Face-plant” and apparently this wasn’t the result of “Kodak Courage”. No amount of “Manky” would have softened the fall and, as we all know, it’s no good doing “Poodle Turns” if you want to pull a “Daffy”.

Hedge “Rag-Dolled” it big time and has since become known as a bit of a “Powder Pig” (we already knew that) but it’s no good “Pooping” and ending up as a “Screaming Starfish”. It’s fair to say that there may also have been a “Snotsicle” as well as a couple of cracked ribs involved.

It was a “Yard Sale”.

Zorb.

THE CURRIED AGM : FRIDAY 6/1/12

Beer, curry and the AGM were partaken on Friday, 6 January 2012 with a good turnout from the lads. Many thanks to all who came.

AGM:-

i) Captain's Report: Beat almost everyone. Retained league title. Losing semi-finalists in the Cup. Boo.
ii) Election of Officers: Capt. Prefab re-elected unopposed (again).
iii) Award: Captain's Player of the Year 2011: "The Hedge" (with deer-hunter raccoon hat).
v) Award: Player of the Year 2011: Simon "Weeping" Williams.

Other Awards:-

i) The Brian Cant Award for Most Bricks out of Pram: Capt. Prefab v. Vocalink (upon being told that Simon Williams was stuck on a train somewhere outside of Kentish Town 10 minutes before the start of play - League).
ii) The Javed Miandad Award for Petulance Upon Being Out: Capt. Prefab v. Final CC (Cup).
iii) Catch of the Year: Mike Howard v. Redbourn (League).
iv) The International Player Still Most Likely to Feature in a Colts Quiz: VVS Laxman.
v) The Chard/Bromhead Award for Person Most Likely to (and did) invade Iraq (the safe bit anyway) : Capt. Saddam Von Prefab late of the 4th Ulhaqistan Lancers.
vi) The Ron Jeremy Award for a 1970's "Mo-vember" to Remember: The Hedge (with 'tache).
vii) The "Shake 'n' Vac"/CSI Miami Award for the Player Most Likely to Leave Traces of Himself on the Carpet : JC3.
viii) The Val Doonican Award for Services to Knitwear: Mike "Starsky" Howard.
ix) The David Soul Award for Player Most Likely to Play Hutch: David Whiteley
x) The "Duncan Donut" Award for Player Most Likely to Drop his Trophy: The Hedge

It may also be informative that the skipper, on the night, took the following hurriedly scrawled notes in the Curry House. Any explanations as to content and reason are most welcome :-

i) Anthony Way. Eye surgeon for the Queen.
ii) Florence Nightingale - illness.
iii) Kitty. "F-ing Wrong". The Hedge.
iv) "Bums Open Invitation". Equal Opportunities.
v) Colts slang.

Have to admit that iv) worries me greatly.

Any Other Business/Action Points:-

i) "Choice Cricket" to re-vamp the Vets format for next year. Probably 2 leagues.
ii) Player Recruitment (as necessary) ?
iii) Tour. Again. Golf and day at the Test in Yerkshire ? Ask David Byrne.
iv) Playing tops - Romida ? The Skip to look in to.

Let's do it all again this year. Thanks to everyone.

Capt. Borat Prefab etc. etc.
8/1/12