It was a dark and stormy night as the grisly spectre of The Undead Colts took on the Zombies of Long Marston in a battle from beyond the grave. At the abandoned manor house of the Choice Cricket Centre (complete with creaking door on rusty hinges) there was an eerie number of broomsticks in the car park (or broom park) as witches and wizards flocked to drop unspeakable bits of rat in to Peter “The Mad Axeman” Makower’s coffin.
“Axeman” was making his debut at this decapitated format of the game but in a side also containing “Baron Von Franken-Prefab”, Andrew “Uncle Feste” Hedges, David “Slash‘n” Byrne, David “Headless” Whiteley and John “The Vampire” Callendar. To complete the illusion of films from the horror genre, there was even a TV crew from the “Blighty” channel on Sky who had come down to film things for the shock value of watching a group of unsuspecting veterans set upon by a ravenous horde (well, most of us hadn’t eaten). It was going to be like the film “Cocoon” but in reverse – or so we hoped.
The red “Baron” took part in the toss of the severed body part and it correctly came down as a “head”. God knows what dismembered section of corpse would have come down if he’d called “tails”. Long Marston had looked pretty good in the warm-up so The Undead Colts elected to bowl as their opponents unpacked various scythes, swords, sickles and other sharp objects used to good effect if you are playing a cut shot. As the old grandfather clock in the corner struck 13, the pumpkin was thrown to “Headless” Whiteley for the first over. What followed was unfortunately a 6-ball, 18 run nightmare on Elm Street with more wides than there are chainsaws in Texas. “Slash” (2-6) took the next over and calm returned as a lovely over of leg spin brought just 1 run and a wicket for a catch by “The Vampire” off the side wall.
At this point Long Marston really topped themselves as if they knew that the villagers were already at the gates and the monster was never going to rise from the table no matter how much lightning was flashing across the night sky. “Slash” took a sharp caught and bowled and there were a couple of smooth run outs from “The Vampire” as he devoured the non-strikers on each occasion before they made it safe on to holy ground. Marston were deep in the mire and up to their necks in gore as 4 wickets fell before anyone even had a chance to say “I wonder what’s down here in this cellar where the lights don’t appear to work ?”. “The Mad Axeman” hadn’t even unsheathed his enormous weapon yet. Another run out and a “Headless” yorker meant that Marston were all out for just 67.
The Undead Colts were hoping that only the top order of the batting would be required. “Uncle Feste”, “The Axeman” and “Slash” were heard whispering “When shall we three meet again ?” over a cauldron as “Franken-Prefab” and “Headless” (13* in 11) strapped on their pads and marched out to bat holding an iron cross, a clove of garlic and a wooden stake. Martin “Van Helsing” of Long Marston took the first over and it was quickly apparent that the skull being used really did have all of the bounce of a dead cat. “Igor Von Franken-Prefab” was scoreless from 4 balls and was then hit worryingly plumb in front as he tried to play that awful, blood-curdling, nurdle-round-the-corner shot that he never hits. An appeal like a banshee rent the air as ravens scattered from trees and the Marstonites were convinced that they’d drawn blood. It can only be assumed that the umpire was also a zombie and that his index finger had been gnawed off by a rat as the digit of doom was not revealed and “Von Franken-Prefab” (25* in 20) finally made it to the cage by the 5th over. Of course the umpire may also have been put off by the batsman’s head rotating round 360 degrees whist spewing out vomit. Just a thought. The Marstonites knew the game was up by then as 29 extras followed and The Undead Colts romped home for just the cruel loss of “The Vampire” who expired in a shaft of sunlight attempting a quick single.
Afterwards, the Marston captain could be heard saying under his breath : “We would have won too if it hadn’t been for that LBW and you pesky kids”.
MoM : David “Slash’n” Byrne (3-0-6-2) for a bewitching spell of evil leg spin.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : 19/10/10
The Colts were back in the operating theatre of league action looking to surgically remove plenty of points from a frail “Nil by Mouth” looking Bamville team. Enforced changes saw Captain “Dr. Jekyll” Prefab select young locum Paul “Dr. Kildare” Goodwin to keep wicket with “Dr. John H. Watson” Callendar, Steve “Medicine” Ball, David “Serious Byrnes Unit“ and David “Grumbling Appendix” Whiteley to make up the side. Donning gowns, masks and gloves before making themselves sterile (in the medical sense, no that’s even worse: in the operating sense – that’s better) the Colts batting line up got ready to perform the Heinrich Heimlich manouevre by taking the first blow to the head.
“Dr. Jekyll” (35 in 13 balls) and “The Appendix” (35* in 19) are a solid opening partnership and have been consulting with each other and charging huge fees in the private sector for years. This procedure was no different as Bam’s best bowler “Jeremy” (0-37) was sedated with little trouble and apart from a minor hiccough in the middle there were plenty of the runs which Bamville were unable to stop even after swallowing a large number of “Arret” capsules and glugging some Pepto-Bismol. The score-sheet, as usual, was as easy to read as a young intern’s prescription pad after a 19 hour shift. Around 70 was on the board by the halfway stage with “Medicine” (27* in 11) and “Dr. John H.” (24 in 13) popping pills and dropping tabs as the score climbed like the temperature from a thermometer stuck in a cup of tea by Sid James. “Dr. Kildare” and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” did not get in until the 10th over and were both out trying to push the score along but this left the openers to take the stitches out and re-enter the incision with enough time to add a further 17. At the end of a 12 over labour the score was a healthy, bouncing 152-4.
The crowd on the balcony by this time had swelled with the arrival of Mr. & Mrs. Sthetic and their daughter Anna as well as her aunty Septic. Mike Rosurgery had popped in to watch as well as Morgan Transplant and Dai Agnosis who had both travelled up from Wales for reasons that we need not go in to. Reggie Strar was also there and from Scandinavia there was Lars Toplast. As if they weren’t enough, even a Knight of the Realm had turned up but Sir Osis Oftheliver had to leave due to feeling unwell.
So, it was time for the Colts to ask Bamville to drop their trousers, turn sideways and cough at the same time as taking their temperature the old fashioned way. Some refer to this as enjoying a visit from an old friend with a cold nose but be that as it may, it was time for the twitching fingers of “The Serious Byrnes Unit” (1-28) to make the orange tumour (ball) talk. The bowling was as tight as Barbra Windsor’s nurse’s uniform. Much like Captain “Jekyll’s” lower extremities there was line, a goodly length (if one does say so oneself) and a complete absence of leg-side extras. Whilst the machine that goes “Ping !!” recorded that Bamville gave away 30 extras (including 24 in wides), The Colts gave up just 7 and 4 of them were in the second over.
“The Appendix” (1-28) was having a good game as was the young locum “Dr. Kildare”. Having aged several years during the week in order to qualify for the match it was helpful to have Paul jumping around behind the sticks and taking a quite extraordinarily balletic one-handed catch off “Medicine”. Not only was this an important breakthrough but it also made Captain “Jekyll” think seriously about retirement. “Dr. John H.” (1-25) administered to the sick with an LBW that nobody else appealed for and it was only the peculiarly named “Allwyn” (40) that kept Bamville in it. With his unblemished visage and lustrous black ringlets of virility framing his eternal youthfulness it was a relief when “The Appendix” injected him with tincture of iodine without the spoonful of sugar and amputated his bails (painful). The Colts were able to finally breathe easily as opening bat “Oliver” had retired hurt earlier on and was strapped to an MRI machine leaving The Bams at 99-5.
The Colts and Flamstead remain unbeaten and were drawn together in the Cup Semi-Final in the most low level, low key and low expense cup draw ever made over the bar using 4 bits or torn up paper, a biro and a beer mat.
MOM : “Dr. Jek” had a decent night as skip and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” bordered at times on unplayable but “The Grumbling Appendix” gets the nod for 35* and 1-28.
“Dr. Jekyll” (35 in 13 balls) and “The Appendix” (35* in 19) are a solid opening partnership and have been consulting with each other and charging huge fees in the private sector for years. This procedure was no different as Bam’s best bowler “Jeremy” (0-37) was sedated with little trouble and apart from a minor hiccough in the middle there were plenty of the runs which Bamville were unable to stop even after swallowing a large number of “Arret” capsules and glugging some Pepto-Bismol. The score-sheet, as usual, was as easy to read as a young intern’s prescription pad after a 19 hour shift. Around 70 was on the board by the halfway stage with “Medicine” (27* in 11) and “Dr. John H.” (24 in 13) popping pills and dropping tabs as the score climbed like the temperature from a thermometer stuck in a cup of tea by Sid James. “Dr. Kildare” and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” did not get in until the 10th over and were both out trying to push the score along but this left the openers to take the stitches out and re-enter the incision with enough time to add a further 17. At the end of a 12 over labour the score was a healthy, bouncing 152-4.
The crowd on the balcony by this time had swelled with the arrival of Mr. & Mrs. Sthetic and their daughter Anna as well as her aunty Septic. Mike Rosurgery had popped in to watch as well as Morgan Transplant and Dai Agnosis who had both travelled up from Wales for reasons that we need not go in to. Reggie Strar was also there and from Scandinavia there was Lars Toplast. As if they weren’t enough, even a Knight of the Realm had turned up but Sir Osis Oftheliver had to leave due to feeling unwell.
So, it was time for the Colts to ask Bamville to drop their trousers, turn sideways and cough at the same time as taking their temperature the old fashioned way. Some refer to this as enjoying a visit from an old friend with a cold nose but be that as it may, it was time for the twitching fingers of “The Serious Byrnes Unit” (1-28) to make the orange tumour (ball) talk. The bowling was as tight as Barbra Windsor’s nurse’s uniform. Much like Captain “Jekyll’s” lower extremities there was line, a goodly length (if one does say so oneself) and a complete absence of leg-side extras. Whilst the machine that goes “Ping !!” recorded that Bamville gave away 30 extras (including 24 in wides), The Colts gave up just 7 and 4 of them were in the second over.
“The Appendix” (1-28) was having a good game as was the young locum “Dr. Kildare”. Having aged several years during the week in order to qualify for the match it was helpful to have Paul jumping around behind the sticks and taking a quite extraordinarily balletic one-handed catch off “Medicine”. Not only was this an important breakthrough but it also made Captain “Jekyll” think seriously about retirement. “Dr. John H.” (1-25) administered to the sick with an LBW that nobody else appealed for and it was only the peculiarly named “Allwyn” (40) that kept Bamville in it. With his unblemished visage and lustrous black ringlets of virility framing his eternal youthfulness it was a relief when “The Appendix” injected him with tincture of iodine without the spoonful of sugar and amputated his bails (painful). The Colts were able to finally breathe easily as opening bat “Oliver” had retired hurt earlier on and was strapped to an MRI machine leaving The Bams at 99-5.
The Colts and Flamstead remain unbeaten and were drawn together in the Cup Semi-Final in the most low level, low key and low expense cup draw ever made over the bar using 4 bits or torn up paper, a biro and a beer mat.
MOM : “Dr. Jek” had a decent night as skip and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” bordered at times on unplayable but “The Grumbling Appendix” gets the nod for 35* and 1-28.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER (CUP) : 12/10/10
The Colts moseyed in to town for a high noon appointment at the Alamo Cricket Centre in Redbourn. Well, in fact we turned up at about 8.45pm for a cup match against St. John Fisher and none of us knows how to “mosey” but you get the idea of the widescreen picture (in Technicolor) that I’m going for. Cue the Sergio Leone music. The Magnificent Six was led by Captain “Rowdy” Prefab along with Steve “the ex-Outlaw Josie” Ball, David “Bannock” Byrne, Andrew “Yul” Hedges, Simon “The Rumpo Kid” Williams and John “Sundance” Callendar. It was a case of the good, the bad, the ugly and then the other three (in no particular order). These boys had robbed their way from Utah to Oklahoma but the law just could not seem to track them down. And they served their legend well because the folks they loved to tell about when The Colts came to town (apologies to Billy Joel).
The friendly Fisher captain offered a whisky and rye and a free gob in to the spittoon as well as allowing “Rowdy” the chance to draw (bat) first but the skipper was having none of it and asked for the coin to be tossed. You can’t trust a bandit in a bandana in open country. Fisher won and The Colts were batting. The cup this year has an experimental “Power-play” rule that is in the early testing stages so nobody knew quite what to expect. “Rowdy” (27* in 15) went in with “Yul” (25* in 15) and both started to pick off evil henchmen with ease as a good start made 60-0 from 5 overs. The power-play overs made little obvious difference to the scoring but Fisher’s bowling was better than expected although their fielding was perhaps more enthusiastic than effective. With the 3.10 to Yuma due at any time it was “The Rumpo Kid” (28* in 11) who played the best innings of the night but “Sundance” (26* in 15) also played well and The Colts kept their momentum to post 163-0. Not a wicket lost with not even a snifter of a run out was a fine professional innings from the 6 amigos.
Fisher’s batting, much like James Coburn’s ability with a flick knife, was an unknown quantity. Even more difficult to break in to than a safe in a bank or a Red Indian (sorry, Native American) wagon circle was the combination for deciphering the way that Fisher had filled in the scorecard. “The ex-Outlaw” (0-30) was not at his best but “Bannock” (1-27) had an excellent evening with the orange as did “Sundance” (1-27). The Fisher batsmen must have filled up with beans around the camp fire because it became clear that their Achilles’ heel was their running between the wickets. Run out followed run out and only “Hoss” Watson (42) really challenged the back wall. “Rowdy” earned his spurs with a decent stumping but later had to hand them back for dropping a simple edge. “Sundance” tried to run someone out using the hand that didn’t have the ball but all this was indicative of the fact that Fisher were going to fall well short of the total. “Yul” (0-10) closed things out as Fisher ended up not quite in a Boot Hill grave but not quite strolling off in to the sunset either at 123 all out. Not a bad performance from Fisher as new boys to the competition.
The Colts are in to the semi-finals (opponents to be confirmed) with a chance to drink 10 gallons in the bar.
MoM : John “Sundance” Callendar with 26* and 1-27 off 3.
The friendly Fisher captain offered a whisky and rye and a free gob in to the spittoon as well as allowing “Rowdy” the chance to draw (bat) first but the skipper was having none of it and asked for the coin to be tossed. You can’t trust a bandit in a bandana in open country. Fisher won and The Colts were batting. The cup this year has an experimental “Power-play” rule that is in the early testing stages so nobody knew quite what to expect. “Rowdy” (27* in 15) went in with “Yul” (25* in 15) and both started to pick off evil henchmen with ease as a good start made 60-0 from 5 overs. The power-play overs made little obvious difference to the scoring but Fisher’s bowling was better than expected although their fielding was perhaps more enthusiastic than effective. With the 3.10 to Yuma due at any time it was “The Rumpo Kid” (28* in 11) who played the best innings of the night but “Sundance” (26* in 15) also played well and The Colts kept their momentum to post 163-0. Not a wicket lost with not even a snifter of a run out was a fine professional innings from the 6 amigos.
Fisher’s batting, much like James Coburn’s ability with a flick knife, was an unknown quantity. Even more difficult to break in to than a safe in a bank or a Red Indian (sorry, Native American) wagon circle was the combination for deciphering the way that Fisher had filled in the scorecard. “The ex-Outlaw” (0-30) was not at his best but “Bannock” (1-27) had an excellent evening with the orange as did “Sundance” (1-27). The Fisher batsmen must have filled up with beans around the camp fire because it became clear that their Achilles’ heel was their running between the wickets. Run out followed run out and only “Hoss” Watson (42) really challenged the back wall. “Rowdy” earned his spurs with a decent stumping but later had to hand them back for dropping a simple edge. “Sundance” tried to run someone out using the hand that didn’t have the ball but all this was indicative of the fact that Fisher were going to fall well short of the total. “Yul” (0-10) closed things out as Fisher ended up not quite in a Boot Hill grave but not quite strolling off in to the sunset either at 123 all out. Not a bad performance from Fisher as new boys to the competition.
The Colts are in to the semi-finals (opponents to be confirmed) with a chance to drink 10 gallons in the bar.
MoM : John “Sundance” Callendar with 26* and 1-27 off 3.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : 5/10/10
And thus it came to pass (sorry, that was last week’s report in a religious idiom).Tuesday night was fight night. The Rumble in the Jungle, the Clashes for the Ashes and the WWE “All In – Ultimate Fighter Cage Wrestling” bout rolled in to one. The Colts v. Redbourn. It doesn’t get any bigger than this in Herts. Vets. Indoor League cricket. This is the ultimate. The one that everyone wants to play in. We even had Dickie Davis in the World of Sport commentary box and he must have been dead for years.
The warm-up was low-key. “Cyanide Sid” Hedges and Tim “Six” Spence “None the Richer” polished their heads and knuckles, Bally slipped a horseshoe in to his glove, Mike “The Merciless” Howard had a dirk down his trousers (or so he told us but he may just have been pleased to be there), Dave “The Hit Boy” Whiteley performed a half nelson on himself and skipper “Big Daddy Haystacks” stuck in a mouth-guard and practised his belly-flop. The Colts won the toss and the man in the sharp suit and the microphone from the ceiling called out that the favourites would bowl first.
So far so good but then things went a bit off the rails. The Colts were undeniably on the ropes for 6 overs as Mr. Wellsbury from the Ministry (47*) played extremely well and with his opening partner, Bassill (18*), ensured that Redbourn got to 75-1 by the halfway stage of the innings. Steve “The Undertaker” Ball (3-30) then had Bassill put right in to the ratatouille (as Basil Fawlty would say) having him caught by “The Hit Boy” off the back of the bat and the Redbourn innings went in to submission. Having gone at 12.5 per over, the innings then went backwards as two run outs were followed by Bally laying out “Wily” who played no shot to a straight one. Redbourn must have been wanting 150 as a minimum but “Merciless” (0-28) then bowled as fine a penultimate over of indoor quick bowling as anyone can have witnessed. To bowl one fast yorker is good, to bowl two in a row is very good but to bowl an entire over for a maiden just at the time that the slog ought to be on is impressive stuff indeed. Bajpai (6 in 12 balls) ducked, swerved, moved and gave it the ol’ Ali shuffle but he couldn’t lay a glove on anything. Mike danced like a butterfly and with “Cyanide Sid” (0-37) ensured that The Colts would be chasing only a very par score of 132-5. Redbourn had been restricted to 57-4 for their last 6 overs.
So Captain “Haystacks” took to the ring with “The Hit Boy” for one of the more unlikely looking tag partnerships and things started slowly as “Wily” (1-27) was treated with respect. Bassill’s first over consisted of 10 wides and went for 17 and the innings never really looked back. “Haystacks” (17) took a haymaker below the belt as “Wily” sneaked one through for an LBW shout that was upheld by the umpire. “Haystacks” responded with a torrent of good natured banter as the merits of the knockout were discussed with the umpire on his way off court. TV replays, the third umpire, the corpse of Dickie Davis, the white quiff of the corpse of Dickie Davis and the opinion of the rest of the team were that the umpire had made a good decision. It hardly mattered. “Merciless” (26* in 9) spanked it everywhere and “The Hit Boy” (27* in 18) gave him good support. After 6 overs we were 86-1 and all but winners on the referee’s card. Redbourn’s “Full Court Press” tactic was starting to look as effective as Henry Cooper slapping on a good splash of Brut before going in to take on Mike Tyson. “Six” Spence (25* in 11) then rolled back the years to when men were men and to take a bite out of an opponent’s ear during a bout was thought to be dashed bad form. One of his cover drives will not be bettered all season. “Cyanide” Hedges (11* in 10) made sure of the rest and with 9 balls to spare the fight went out of Redbourn as they stared upwards at the lights from the canvas. Two wins in two and the Championship belt feels comfortable at the moment.
MoM : Tough on “Mauler” Ball as his 3-30 was a good effort but it must be Mike “the Merciless” Howard for his sensational maiden over and quickfire 26*.
The warm-up was low-key. “Cyanide Sid” Hedges and Tim “Six” Spence “None the Richer” polished their heads and knuckles, Bally slipped a horseshoe in to his glove, Mike “The Merciless” Howard had a dirk down his trousers (or so he told us but he may just have been pleased to be there), Dave “The Hit Boy” Whiteley performed a half nelson on himself and skipper “Big Daddy Haystacks” stuck in a mouth-guard and practised his belly-flop. The Colts won the toss and the man in the sharp suit and the microphone from the ceiling called out that the favourites would bowl first.
So far so good but then things went a bit off the rails. The Colts were undeniably on the ropes for 6 overs as Mr. Wellsbury from the Ministry (47*) played extremely well and with his opening partner, Bassill (18*), ensured that Redbourn got to 75-1 by the halfway stage of the innings. Steve “The Undertaker” Ball (3-30) then had Bassill put right in to the ratatouille (as Basil Fawlty would say) having him caught by “The Hit Boy” off the back of the bat and the Redbourn innings went in to submission. Having gone at 12.5 per over, the innings then went backwards as two run outs were followed by Bally laying out “Wily” who played no shot to a straight one. Redbourn must have been wanting 150 as a minimum but “Merciless” (0-28) then bowled as fine a penultimate over of indoor quick bowling as anyone can have witnessed. To bowl one fast yorker is good, to bowl two in a row is very good but to bowl an entire over for a maiden just at the time that the slog ought to be on is impressive stuff indeed. Bajpai (6 in 12 balls) ducked, swerved, moved and gave it the ol’ Ali shuffle but he couldn’t lay a glove on anything. Mike danced like a butterfly and with “Cyanide Sid” (0-37) ensured that The Colts would be chasing only a very par score of 132-5. Redbourn had been restricted to 57-4 for their last 6 overs.
So Captain “Haystacks” took to the ring with “The Hit Boy” for one of the more unlikely looking tag partnerships and things started slowly as “Wily” (1-27) was treated with respect. Bassill’s first over consisted of 10 wides and went for 17 and the innings never really looked back. “Haystacks” (17) took a haymaker below the belt as “Wily” sneaked one through for an LBW shout that was upheld by the umpire. “Haystacks” responded with a torrent of good natured banter as the merits of the knockout were discussed with the umpire on his way off court. TV replays, the third umpire, the corpse of Dickie Davis, the white quiff of the corpse of Dickie Davis and the opinion of the rest of the team were that the umpire had made a good decision. It hardly mattered. “Merciless” (26* in 9) spanked it everywhere and “The Hit Boy” (27* in 18) gave him good support. After 6 overs we were 86-1 and all but winners on the referee’s card. Redbourn’s “Full Court Press” tactic was starting to look as effective as Henry Cooper slapping on a good splash of Brut before going in to take on Mike Tyson. “Six” Spence (25* in 11) then rolled back the years to when men were men and to take a bite out of an opponent’s ear during a bout was thought to be dashed bad form. One of his cover drives will not be bettered all season. “Cyanide” Hedges (11* in 10) made sure of the rest and with 9 balls to spare the fight went out of Redbourn as they stared upwards at the lights from the canvas. Two wins in two and the Championship belt feels comfortable at the moment.
MoM : Tough on “Mauler” Ball as his 3-30 was a good effort but it must be Mike “the Merciless” Howard for his sensational maiden over and quickfire 26*.
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