THE COLTS V. LONG MARSTON : 28/10/10

It was a dark and stormy night as the grisly spectre of The Undead Colts took on the Zombies of Long Marston in a battle from beyond the grave. At the abandoned manor house of the Choice Cricket Centre (complete with creaking door on rusty hinges) there was an eerie number of broomsticks in the car park (or broom park) as witches and wizards flocked to drop unspeakable bits of rat in to Peter “The Mad Axeman” Makower’s coffin.

“Axeman” was making his debut at this decapitated format of the game but in a side also containing “Baron Von Franken-Prefab”, Andrew “Uncle Feste” Hedges, David “Slash‘n” Byrne, David “Headless” Whiteley and John “The Vampire” Callendar. To complete the illusion of films from the horror genre, there was even a TV crew from the “Blighty” channel on Sky who had come down to film things for the shock value of watching a group of unsuspecting veterans set upon by a ravenous horde (well, most of us hadn’t eaten). It was going to be like the film “Cocoon” but in reverse – or so we hoped.

The red “Baron” took part in the toss of the severed body part and it correctly came down as a “head”. God knows what dismembered section of corpse would have come down if he’d called “tails”. Long Marston had looked pretty good in the warm-up so The Undead Colts elected to bowl as their opponents unpacked various scythes, swords, sickles and other sharp objects used to good effect if you are playing a cut shot. As the old grandfather clock in the corner struck 13, the pumpkin was thrown to “Headless” Whiteley for the first over. What followed was unfortunately a 6-ball, 18 run nightmare on Elm Street with more wides than there are chainsaws in Texas. “Slash” (2-6) took the next over and calm returned as a lovely over of leg spin brought just 1 run and a wicket for a catch by “The Vampire” off the side wall.

At this point Long Marston really topped themselves as if they knew that the villagers were already at the gates and the monster was never going to rise from the table no matter how much lightning was flashing across the night sky. “Slash” took a sharp caught and bowled and there were a couple of smooth run outs from “The Vampire” as he devoured the non-strikers on each occasion before they made it safe on to holy ground. Marston were deep in the mire and up to their necks in gore as 4 wickets fell before anyone even had a chance to say “I wonder what’s down here in this cellar where the lights don’t appear to work ?”. “The Mad Axeman” hadn’t even unsheathed his enormous weapon yet. Another run out and a “Headless” yorker meant that Marston were all out for just 67.

The Undead Colts were hoping that only the top order of the batting would be required. “Uncle Feste”, “The Axeman” and “Slash” were heard whispering “When shall we three meet again ?” over a cauldron as “Franken-Prefab” and “Headless” (13* in 11) strapped on their pads and marched out to bat holding an iron cross, a clove of garlic and a wooden stake. Martin “Van Helsing” of Long Marston took the first over and it was quickly apparent that the skull being used really did have all of the bounce of a dead cat. “Igor Von Franken-Prefab” was scoreless from 4 balls and was then hit worryingly plumb in front as he tried to play that awful, blood-curdling, nurdle-round-the-corner shot that he never hits. An appeal like a banshee rent the air as ravens scattered from trees and the Marstonites were convinced that they’d drawn blood. It can only be assumed that the umpire was also a zombie and that his index finger had been gnawed off by a rat as the digit of doom was not revealed and “Von Franken-Prefab” (25* in 20) finally made it to the cage by the 5th over. Of course the umpire may also have been put off by the batsman’s head rotating round 360 degrees whist spewing out vomit. Just a thought. The Marstonites knew the game was up by then as 29 extras followed and The Undead Colts romped home for just the cruel loss of “The Vampire” who expired in a shaft of sunlight attempting a quick single.

Afterwards, the Marston captain could be heard saying under his breath : “We would have won too if it hadn’t been for that LBW and you pesky kids”.

MoM : David “Slash’n” Byrne (3-0-6-2) for a bewitching spell of evil leg spin.