THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : 19/10/10

The Colts were back in the operating theatre of league action looking to surgically remove plenty of points from a frail “Nil by Mouth” looking Bamville team. Enforced changes saw Captain “Dr. Jekyll” Prefab select young locum Paul “Dr. Kildare” Goodwin to keep wicket with “Dr. John H. Watson” Callendar, Steve “Medicine” Ball, David “Serious Byrnes Unit“ and David “Grumbling Appendix” Whiteley to make up the side. Donning gowns, masks and gloves before making themselves sterile (in the medical sense, no that’s even worse: in the operating sense – that’s better) the Colts batting line up got ready to perform the Heinrich Heimlich manouevre by taking the first blow to the head.

“Dr. Jekyll” (35 in 13 balls) and “The Appendix” (35* in 19) are a solid opening partnership and have been consulting with each other and charging huge fees in the private sector for years. This procedure was no different as Bam’s best bowler “Jeremy” (0-37) was sedated with little trouble and apart from a minor hiccough in the middle there were plenty of the runs which Bamville were unable to stop even after swallowing a large number of “Arret” capsules and glugging some Pepto-Bismol. The score-sheet, as usual, was as easy to read as a young intern’s prescription pad after a 19 hour shift. Around 70 was on the board by the halfway stage with “Medicine” (27* in 11) and “Dr. John H.” (24 in 13) popping pills and dropping tabs as the score climbed like the temperature from a thermometer stuck in a cup of tea by Sid James. “Dr. Kildare” and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” did not get in until the 10th over and were both out trying to push the score along but this left the openers to take the stitches out and re-enter the incision with enough time to add a further 17. At the end of a 12 over labour the score was a healthy, bouncing 152-4.

The crowd on the balcony by this time had swelled with the arrival of Mr. & Mrs. Sthetic and their daughter Anna as well as her aunty Septic. Mike Rosurgery had popped in to watch as well as Morgan Transplant and Dai Agnosis who had both travelled up from Wales for reasons that we need not go in to. Reggie Strar was also there and from Scandinavia there was Lars Toplast. As if they weren’t enough, even a Knight of the Realm had turned up but Sir Osis Oftheliver had to leave due to feeling unwell.

So, it was time for the Colts to ask Bamville to drop their trousers, turn sideways and cough at the same time as taking their temperature the old fashioned way. Some refer to this as enjoying a visit from an old friend with a cold nose but be that as it may, it was time for the twitching fingers of “The Serious Byrnes Unit” (1-28) to make the orange tumour (ball) talk. The bowling was as tight as Barbra Windsor’s nurse’s uniform. Much like Captain “Jekyll’s” lower extremities there was line, a goodly length (if one does say so oneself) and a complete absence of leg-side extras. Whilst the machine that goes “Ping !!” recorded that Bamville gave away 30 extras (including 24 in wides), The Colts gave up just 7 and 4 of them were in the second over.

“The Appendix” (1-28) was having a good game as was the young locum “Dr. Kildare”. Having aged several years during the week in order to qualify for the match it was helpful to have Paul jumping around behind the sticks and taking a quite extraordinarily balletic one-handed catch off “Medicine”. Not only was this an important breakthrough but it also made Captain “Jekyll” think seriously about retirement. “Dr. John H.” (1-25) administered to the sick with an LBW that nobody else appealed for and it was only the peculiarly named “Allwyn” (40) that kept Bamville in it. With his unblemished visage and lustrous black ringlets of virility framing his eternal youthfulness it was a relief when “The Appendix” injected him with tincture of iodine without the spoonful of sugar and amputated his bails (painful). The Colts were able to finally breathe easily as opening bat “Oliver” had retired hurt earlier on and was strapped to an MRI machine leaving The Bams at 99-5.

The Colts and Flamstead remain unbeaten and were drawn together in the Cup Semi-Final in the most low level, low key and low expense cup draw ever made over the bar using 4 bits or torn up paper, a biro and a beer mat.

MOM : “Dr. Jek” had a decent night as skip and “The Serious Byrnes Unit” bordered at times on unplayable but “The Grumbling Appendix” gets the nod for 35* and 1-28.