The Final match report

It was Cup Final day (or rather evening) and "Abide With Me" played over the Choice Cricket Stadium PA system as Eddie Waring and Stuart Hall warmed up the crowd with a few cheeky gags and a round of "jeux sans frontieres". Most of the Colts team who had arrived early were entertained by a cheeky girls' match between Potters Bar CC and Radlett CC that was a leg-warmer for the main event. Graeme "Stumpy" Sprowson was a little put out at his supposed team-mates amusement at some of the epithets being attached to the Radlett 'keeper but the bowling was tidy, there was a reliable leg-spinner on view and some of the batting was feisty and not
unattractive. The main recommendation might be a little less sugar intake for the Radlett fielders next time as the ground fielding was at best excitable and at worst like white mice who had been fed a diet of washing powder and strychnine as part of an experiment. Still, like all good chick flicks there were screams and plenty of tears at the end as Potters Bar ran out deserved winners

Back to the Cup Final theme such as it is. Billy the white horse cleared the arena as the hordes swept up Wembley Way to the Hertingfordbury Estate. A long team warm-up was followed by Simon "Bobby Moore" Williams introducing his team to the Duke of Kent and the late Princess Diana who had popped along for the evening. In sepia print photographs in the future schoolboys in short trousers with rattles and long Gryffindor scarves will wonder at the nobility of jaw, athleticism of leg and fullness of belly that were on display as "God Save the Queen" was played followed by the Colts' adopted anthem - Bachman Turner Overdrive's "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet". Let's rock !

Redbourn were enthusiastic at the coin toss as the umpire for the evening produced a velvet bag from his coat pocket which contained a rare £ 2 pound coin with Her Majesty depicted wearing a pearl necklace given to her by Prince Phillip on their honeymoon. The crowd was hushed (mainly because there were only 4 of them) as Redbourn's affectionately nicknamed "Scrote" called correctly and charged the Colts with batting first. "Bobby Moore" chose to attack the Kop End and we were away with "Stumpy" and David "Cow's Arse with a Banjo" Whiteley opening the innings.

"Wiley" took the first over and true to his reputation as a ball winning midfielder he was tight like a pair of one size fits all stockings (so I'm told). As a side-bar at this point, when talking about nicknames, surely the footballer "Fitz Hall" was given the best one ever being "One Size" ? Hall is followed closely only by South African bowler Monde "All Hands" Zondecki and Gloucestershire former batsman Paul "Human" Romaines. "Wiley" went for only 7 off his first over but then the Colts eased in to cruise control. "Nigel" was perhaps a strange choice to bowl the next over as his gentle offers went for 16 and the following overs added 14 and 15 whereas the 5th over went for anywhere between 20, 22 or 27 depending upon whose writing you try to read on the score-sheet. It's a sad state of affairs when a Hedge Fund Manager, an insurance Claims Adjuster and a Lloyd's Underwriter can't jot down six numbers in a square box to record a score in a game that they've all played for a combined total of probably over 60 years.

"Stumpy" by this time had retired and "Banjo" followed shortly afterwards with a first wicket partnership worth 70-odd and as the pitch continued to play straight and true and with the crease markings made clear by a new application of silver gaffer tape the Colts were looking good. "Moore" and Mike "Doogie" Howard took the score on before "Doogie" got the best ball of the innings to be bowled through the garden gate. The skipper then Alan Devonshire clotted creamed his way to 25 from only 15 balls to leave us on 119 with 3 overs to go. Steve "Wrecking" Ball and Andrew "Leylandii" Hedges were left with a difficult period with few balls to spare and plenty of back wall to go for but both were well caught and bowled by "Anthony" as they attempted to smash through balls to beat the off-side trap.

"Stumpy" was back in by now and narrowly avoided taking out the Redbourn 'keeper with a two-footed, studs showing challenge in the goal area but "Banjo" was run out for 34 in 16 balls as then was "Moore" with 28 off 15. "Stumpy" took the final over as last man standing and chipped his way to 51 with 19 coming off a strangely tense "Wiley" albeit that he then ran himself out right at the end. As the marching band of the Grenadier guards walked on to play excerpts from show tunes and the crowd tucked in to a Pukka Pie and a cup of hot Bovril, the Colts knew that they had a good total of 161 as they marched to the dressing room. "Bobby Moore" showed true leadership here by having warned "Bonus" Ball after his dismissal "If you don't buck your ideas up I'll pull you off at half time". Without missing a beat Bally replied "Thanks Simon but at the Outlaws all we got was a cup of tea and an orange".

Now it got interesting. "Doogie" took the new jaffa and looked the part in his duck egg blue, Boy George style, Aladdin pantaloon trackie bottoms. In matches past Mike has been known to slip the odd delivery down the leg-side but this evening he was inspired. Quick, on a good length, often swinging away and climbing as they passed the bat, these were deliveries from the James Anderson school of opening the bowling. "Doogie's" analysis came in at 3-0-19-0 which is good darts in anyone's book. He ended with no wickets largely because nobody could lay a bat on him. Redbourn got to 40 without losing a wicket but eventually a delivery from "Banjo" clipped the top of off stump and the Colts were on the board. However Redbourn then put on 31 for the next wicket due to some cunning shots in to space and the inability of Whiteley to be able to pick the ball up and throw it anywhere near the stumps. From a variety of opportunities "Banjo" under-armed, over-armed and generally wombled free but was unable to send the ball in to the same post-code as the stumps. Eventually a "Privet" Hedge direct hit took the next wicket and Redbourn must have felt that the game was nearly up as 73-2 quickly became 94-4. By this stage "Wrecking" Ball was in the game and his delight was obvious as he castled "Wiley" with a quicker one that did the batter all ends up. It's not often you see a wicket celebration that includes wind-milling Mick Channon arms, a double pump fist clench and then an Alan Shearer arm wave as if you've just banged one in to the top corner but Ball knew he'd delivered a killer blow and from then on it was really just a matter of time. By the end of the innings not one Redbourn batter had been able to get to 25 and retire.

"Stumpy" climbed all over a stumping chance off the pacey "Privet" to remove a bespectacled and somewhat bemused "Thompson" who was unaware that he'd been dismissed despite the evidence of bails lying all over the place whilst his feet may as well have been stuck in a bucket of mud for all the attempt that he made to get back in his crease. A somewhat gentle run out finished things off as Redbourn subsided to a Nelsonian 111 all out. The Colts thus became worthy "Double" winners with Redbourn vanquished but providing excellent opposition as they generously shared out the pink plink fizz in the bar afterwards.

Well done to everyone who tugged on a Colts jersey this year and played in position, out of position, over the weather, under the weather and in form or out of form. You know who you all are. Let's do it all again soon.

Final MoM : Despite accusations of a conflict of interest; "Stumpy McGrumpy" for 51 and a decent stumping despite then leaving the cup itself behind and his winner's medal in Hedge's car. You plonker Rodney.

Match report v Park St

Sadly there was no match, they failed to turn up, we felt watching Freddy was a fitting alternative to a match report.

Match fees

Match report v Bamville 1 Dec

History is full of huge wins. England's victory over France on the away goals rule at Agincourt is one such. Joe Pasquale being crowned "King of the Jungle" in 2004 is another and Spurs knocking 9 second half goals against Wigan Unathletic is a third. The Spurs result led to the terrace joke "What time is it ? - It's nearly 10 past Chris Kirkland". Anyway, last night was a huge win for the Colts against Bamville. As giant steps towards something go this was right up there with Neil Armstong popping out of his space module without so much as a "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky ".

Bamville CC play on a pitch cunningly marked out in the middle of a fairway on Harpenden Common golf course. Therefore, it's fair to say that they are not overly concerned with the size of the Choice Cricket "Cowshed of Dreams" as the dimensions are roughly the same as those they play on every other Sunday. With the toss of the golden nugget falling the Bam's way they very quickly asked, nay demanded, that the Colts take first whack with both teams aware of the importance of the fixture. Nerves were highly strung and the tension was so thick that you could have cut a slice and spread it with butter and a generous portion of marmalade as Graeme "Brassica " Sprowson and Mike "Jockey" Howard strapped on their pads to take guard.

The Bam's "Jeremy" (we think that's not a nickname) was quick and straight but the batting was actually calm and collected as the openers picked up in excess of 10 an over without too many alarms. However, Geoff Boycott's old adage that you should always add 2 wickets to your score in Vets indoor cricket was never proved to be more true as "Brassica" sent back "The Laird of Glasgow" for a run out and Steve "Roller" Ball was yorked with his first nut so that 32-0 became 32-2 and a whole new match was unfolding. "Broccoli" Sprowson dropped an anchor that would have held the "Titanic" in place during a hurricane as skipper Simon "Cock" Williams looked to repair the innings with a cautious start. During the Middle Ages the word "cock" was used to describe a self-assured young man (taken after the image of a strutting self-assured rooster) and as a result this nickname was applied to a number of names, including Williams which is where the surname Wilcox comes from. (These match reports are educational too y'know).

The score was up to 79-2 when the Colts received a boost by the introduction of the Bam "mystery spinner". In this context "mystery" is usually used to denote that it is impossible for the batter to detect which way any given delivery will spin. In fact, in this instance it was more the fact that it was impossible to determine which side of the wicket or which bit of the carpet the ball might bounce on if it didn't ping down off the roof in the first place. A telling factor in this match was that Bamville gave away an astonishing 51 extras of which 38 were very wide. The score-sheet ended up looking like an algebra problem where if x = Bamville bowling then y = a shed-load of extras. "Willo the Wisp" retired on 26 even before Sprowson who had grown a beard in the time it took him to retire on 28 in the 9th over but by then the score was up to 109 with 3 overs left. John "Topless" Callender and David "Friction" Byrne then added a sprightly 47 from two delightful cameos with JC notching 16 in 14 balls and "Friction" a gorgeous 24 in just 11 including 2 punched back wall 6's just at the right time. A total of 156 was worth bonus points and the confidence that the Colts knew we had a good score to defend.

For the second dig the nerves returned and it was as fraught as a school prize giving evening out there as fielders pawed the ground and yelps of banal encouragement wafted out from behind the stumps, some of it helpful but most of it mired in cliché. "The Loon from Troon " managed to concede 12 wides in his first over in an effort to even up the extras count and over-throws allowed a rarely seen "9" to feature on the score-card being kept diligently by "The Garden Hedge" up in the crowd. The Bam's were up to 33-0 off 2 overs before the Colts settled down with an easy run out followed by another and then a stumping to reduce the oppo to 58-3 off 5 and some way from home. Another run out saw "Prophylactic" Ball and "Third Degree" Byrne take over with the jaffa and this led to further wickets with "Prophylactic" snaffling a genuine steer to gully like a bulldog stealing a biscuit whilst wearing an expression that suggested he'd just had something inserted into him. With the obdurate "Tony" (16 off 32 balls) building a stone wall around him that even the Emperor Hadrian might have been impressed with time was running out for the final wicket albeit with the game now in the bag. It's difficult to define in indoor cricket terms what a strike-rate of 0.500 is the equivalent to but it's like doing the full 8 minutes 11 seconds of "American Pie" at a karaoke night, or painting Trevor "Forth" Bridger with a toothbrush, or listening to a Billy Connolly monologue at half speed, or catching a First Capital Connect train in the vain f-ing hope that it might actually get you to your destination in the same month as when you left home. Suffice to say that Bamville didn't quite make it to 100 as they closed at 92 all out with Bally getting another bang in front LBW that was so obviously supported by the evidence that Tony Blair would have sent troops to Iraq on the basis of it (a little bit of politics for you there).

The Colts are now 2 matches away from immortality and a place amongst the pantheon of sporting Gods. Surely it can't be too late for Captain "Cock" Williams to get on the panel for the BBC's "Sports Personality of the Year" or for The Colts to be in the race for "Team of the Year" ?

MoM : It's close one, given extras totalled 51, but your scribe goes for David "Third Degree" Byrne for 24 not out and 2-0-13-1.

Match report v Crabtree 26 Nov

Like a certain infamous German Dictator , the Colts only have one Ball but what a difference he made in the top-of-the-table clash against the Crabapple Dads at the Choice Cricket Allianz/Emirates Arena just off the M1. Steve "Ping Pong" Ball announced himself in the 6th over of the match by claiming a wicket with his first ball and went on to record the startling figures of 3-0-12-3 in an awesome display of old fashioned off-spin. From a decent start of 53 off 5 overs with a man retired in the hutch the Elmtree Fathers were looking poised and efficient but Ball's introduction was the turning point thanks to an inspired piece of captaincy. It takes a skipper of rare skill, intuition and intelligence to take a game by the scruff of the neck and shape it in his own image but unfortunately Simon Williams was not playing due to work commitments so the Colts made it up as they went along instead.

Ball's first was an LBW so bang to rights as it hit the batsman on the full in front of middle peg that the departing player was lucky not to get 3 years inside as well as the crooked finger of fate from umpire Gary Sanford . The last time that a decision so obvious was correctly made was when that annoying pair of in-bred Irish parakeets were sent packing from the X-Factor (so I'm told - my wife has it on in the background and I glance at it from time to time when I take a break from reading Dickens under my angle-poise reading lamp).

Ball followed this with his next trick in his next over - a three card trick in fact that even Paul Daniels would have approved of. With Hedge providing assistance as the lovely Debbie McGee on the back wall, Ball sent down one loopy off break and then another loopy off break before whipping the quicker one on with the arm and picking off the bails like the Artful Dodger taking a pocket kerchief from an unsuspecting toff in Marylebone High Street (apologies for the Dickens fixation). The lovely Hedge McGee was so impressed that afterwards he confessed to having called out "well bowled" just after the point that "Fezziwig" Ball had released the orange on it's way but before it had even pitched. Now that's magic.

There were others on court of course; Michael the Bruce was hostile with the ball but full of goodwill to all men having accepted a cash offer on castle Howard. There were twice the number of Whiteleys as usual with David "Baht 'at" Whiteley cheered on by his old man in the bleachers plus Graeme "Jumping Frog" Sprowson and Trevor "Golden Gate" Bridger completing a magnificent 6. "Baht 'at " snaffled a direct hit run out and "Cannon" Ball picked up his last wicket with a catch off a side wall to add to the damage as the Willowtree Parents struggled along at only 7 an over having made such a promising start. Two silly run outs when a last wicket stand might have made a difference left the Colts with a target of 90 to take giant leap towards the league title.

"The King of Rock and Roll" Sprowson and "Farmer" Whiteley opened the innings to avoid any tinkering with the usual order of things and runs flowed like cheap white wine down the throat of a saucy secretary at an office Christmas party. Despite efforts by Hedge to make the scorecard look like an Enron balance sheet there were just enough figures in the right columns to show that both openers made it to retirement and a gold watch with 25 not out. "Trevor" Howard and "Celia Johnson" Bridger then met under the clock at Waterloo station as their brief encounter provided the extra few runs to see the Colts home. Bridger in particular was in an excitable mood being dropped first ball and almost run out on numerous occasions during his knock of 3 not out. At one point he screamed "It's too late" to Howard as they stood next to each other in the batting crease considering the possibility of a single before they both then set off for the far end. The Dutch-Elm-Disease Paters were generous in defeat as they relinquished top spot in the division, possibly forever.

MoM : It can only be - Steve "Medicine" Ball. (It's noteworthy that the word "ball" may have some origins from the Latin word "Foll-is" which can be defined as "a thing blown up or inflated". It makes you think.)

Xmas dates availability

Final CC v Wee Hamish McDiddy

So last night was more like Final CC v Wee Hamish McDiddy rather than The Colts, such was the dominance of the not so wee scotsman. It was very reminiscent of the night two years ago, when Hamish led The Diddymen out of trouble too. We lost the toss and were asked to bowl with Diddy Dave and Wee Hamish opening up. The first over was tight from Diddy and Hamish removed one of their openers with his first ball.

The other opener then also departed run out from a bad call. This unfortunately let in Final’s star player, Tariq, who as usual looked assured stroking the ball around. Our fielding was also mostly on the mark. We hit the stumps 4 times at the keepers end but no decisions were given in our favour. One was a particularly bad decision, made worse as it would have run Tariq out. Three of their batsman reached 25 and with another run out this let Tariq back in at the end. However our bowling good throughout, I don’t think we had a single wide throughout the innings, there were a few no balls though, one being a might harsh for a lifting delivery. So whilst we only took three wickets, we kept them down to 129 for 3, a reasonable, but gettable total.

Hamish and Diddy opened the batting and were moving confidently through the opening overs, with Hamish in particularly fine form hitting the back wall twice with hammered straight drives. Sadly on 24, and hitting the sidewall which would have taken him to retirement, he sent Diddy back and left him stranded. I went in three and Hamish reached his 25 with his next shot. Harry “Hedge” Cott then joined me and couldn’t resist a tempting flighted delivery and was stumped by a mile. Dickie “Murphy” Mint was next in and we started to look comfortable having put on 30, when I tried to run a leg side wide that conveniently came straight off the back wall to the keeper to leave me easily run out. When Sid “Stuart” Short, our stand in keeper for the evening, was bowled almost immediately and then Dickie Mint walked across his stumps and was triggered LBW, it really looked like we had just thrown our chances of the double. We were 77 for 5, but it was only the 8^th over. This is where Wee Hamish turned the game single handed. Dickie Mint called well as the non-striking runner and as each over ticked by we just kept ahead of the required run rate. With less than 10 required and in the 11^th over, Final had one last chance to run out Hamish, but flunked it, when Dickie ran out of puff. However, we only needed 7 off the last over, which were comfortably taken. Hamish ended on 78 not out, an heroic innings.

Hamish was clearly the man of the match. In the end Final got what they deserved for more or less cheating there way to a defendable total.

Match report v Totternhoe Tues 10 Nov

For those of you that don't know, Totternhoe is an ancient village to the south of the county of Bedfordshire. It is noted for Totternhoe Knolls which have been a defensive fort for both the Romans and the Normans. Behind the Knolls are a large chalk quarry producing the famous Totternhoe stone and some modern lime kilns. The 13th century local church is dedicated to St. Giles, being the patron saint of cripples (insert your own joke here) due to the large number of people crippled while working in the quarry [Note from skip: plagurism from Wikipedia, will get you nowhere and are you bored now?]

Adding to St. Giles's work in the community were the Colts last night as a very strong all-round line-up inflicted a big defeat thanks to "Serena" Williams [Note from skip: What, I demand a more appropriate pseudonym! Robbie? Robin? Even Venus is better than being compared to second row forward come tennis player], "Prefab" Sprowson, "Braveheart" Howard, "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne, David "Copper Dragon" Whiteley and Steve "The Secret Policeman" Ball. "Prefab" was still protecting an infinite average as the result of not yet having been out and he and Whiteley both made it to 25 before retiring with 51 on the board inside 4 overs. Some of the Totternhoe bowling was quick but erratic (including a huge first ball wide that might have embarrassed even Steve Harmison) whilst the spin options were steady but perhaps lacking in a bit of devil. To be fair to the Totts they were prepared to put their bodies on the line as "Hamish Macbeth" Howard proceeded to smash the ball everywhere. It's not entirely clear how much of the Totts fielding was based on a selfless desire to help the team and how much was the fact that they just couldn't get out of the damn way of the Howard exocets in time but the 100 was put on the board in about 8 overs and the Colts knew they were on to a good thing.

"The Secret Policeman" and "Serena" then allowed the Totts a couple of wickets. Bally struggled to score threes as he was determined to smash the ball through the side walls and was particularly unlucky to be caught off what appeared to be a combination of wall, net, ceiling, fielder and then a one-handed grab by the bowler. Serena scored 9 in 4 balls before also holing out, but this time off the roof net. Sometimes, a bit like a Manchester United fan wearing all the gear on a flight home from a European match and then being diverted to John Lennon airport in Liverpool, you just know that it's not your day. "Prefab" got back in to join "Chinese" on his high wire act and was looking to pick up some cheap runs but one sharp single too many saw him dismissed for 35 and it was to be "Scotch Broth" Howard and "Copper Dragon" who would see out the final 3 overs with 125 currently on the board. Sensible batting saw both players in to the 40's and it was a race to see who would get their 50 first. Howard was hitting hard and straight but ended just short whilst David picked off the side walls and made it to 51 on the last ball. The Colts had made 165 which was probably about 20 less than might have been if it weren't for Totternhoe fielders throwing themselves in front of big shots like paparazzi on the red carpet of a film premiere.

A score of 165 is a good number on any Blue Peter "Totalizer" no matter how many stamps you've peeled off using warm water nor how many milk bottle tops you've stolen from your neighbours and with the bowling at "Venus" Williams's disposal a win was surely on the cards ? "Frankie" Howard was quick and brutal and Whiteley was accurate from the start and the Totts struggled to maintain even 6 an over despite not losing an early wicket. Some terrible calling and poor judgement of a run then prompted a collapse with Whiteley bagging a brace of run outs like a poacher in the woods at midnight and Howard clean bowling the No. 3 before he'd even thought about deciding whether he should consider the feasibility of playing forward or back. It wasn't to be a Byrne's night as his accurate leggers were largely kept at bay but skipper Williams took the last wicket to leave Totternhoe bewitched, bothered and bewildered at 56 all out in the 7^th over with time to still make it back home for a film starting at 9pm and a takeaway from the local curry house.

The Colts will go clear top of the table after this round of matches, as previous leaders Crabtree Dads lost their second game last night, leaving us as the only team with one loss so far. We then have a mouth-watering semi-final of the cup versus Final CC to come next week. As Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards once said to Douglas Bader - "Keep your eyes on the skis".

Delayed MoM v. Flamstead : David "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne - a brilliant debut.

MoM v. Totternhoe : But for an umpiring indiscretion in "The Cage" it might have been Mike "Braveheart" Howard but the award this week goes to David "The Woolpack" Whiteley for his 51 plus 2 catches and a run out.

Report courtesy of the "Prefab".

Match report v Flamstead Tues 3 Nov

The best plaid plans of pigs and men can be thrown into total chaos when one of your players contracts swine 'flu 24 hours before your next match. The Hedge was duly obliged to provide a doctor's note to certify that had indeed succumbed to the dreaded porcine lurghi and it was fortunate that Steve "Johnny" Ball wasn't pig-headed enough to refuse a last minute call up to add a further spin option for the match versus Hamstead (make that Flamstead - but in any event certainly not Totternhoe as was originally billed on "The X Factor"). With David "Chinese" Byrne and skipper Simon "Napoleon" Williams both ready to purvey some leg-spin and with Ball adding his off-breaks there was more curl and twirl to the Colts' bowling attack than your average pig's tail. John "Norman" Cowan, David "Twice Nightly" Whiteley and Graeme "Wilbur" Sprowson made up the rest of the team.

Flamstead batted first and made a good start with some experienced openers at the top of the menu including a very smart "double run" after a Cowan overthrow went past the slightly porky wicket-keeper and 10 an over was being just about maintained with no wickets down despite a solid opening spell from Whiteley and some cunning and accurate leg-breaks from Byrne. One Flamstead opener was finally stumped playing an offal shot (sorry) and wandering down the carpet whilst the other finally made it to 25 despite pork scratching around for his last few streaky runs and using up a few extra balls to ensure that his team did not lose a crucial wicket. At this point the innings started to turn in the Colts' favour as Cowan turned on some nifty fielding for a couple of run outs and Sprowson completed a second stumping off a ripping legger from Williams who was making the pigskin turn square. It was a piggish delivery to receive and Flamstead's resolve then rested on the two bats who had made it to 25. They had several overs at the end to make a difference with the total hovering around the 100 mark but Ball found his range to bowl one and Whiteley produced a jaffa to get rid of the other and the Colts were content to turn around (bright eyes - that's one for you Bally) chasing just 110.

Sprowson and Whiteley were the "Piglet & Roo" at the top of the order for the Colts reply and they accelerated away right from the start. Flamstead elected to begin with their fielders in a "Full Court Press" as it's known in the NBA but as "Napoleon" Williams shrewdly observed it's a tactic that loses a bit in effectiveness if you keep bowling slow-medium half volleys that do nothing off the carpet. With a pork chop here and a pork cut there and the odd blow to the back bacon wall the Colts were away to a pig's might flyer as both the openers reached 25 with neither getting to hog the strike. "Johnny" Ball and Williams then got their snouts in to the trough as if it were last orders at feeding time before a trip to the abattoir and there would be no coming piggy-back for Flamstead. "Chinese" Byrne and "Norman" Cowan both made it on to court as Ball contrived to lose his wicket and Williams retired but the match was over with plenty of time to spare. We were even able to rib Redbourn in the bar afterwards.

The Colts remain handily placed at 2nd in the table behind Crabtree Dads but with a pig iron fist hiding in their velvet batting gloves.

Match report Colts v Frogmore Thurs 29 Oct

It was half term and the Colts squad was looking as depleted as an audition for "Britain's Got Talent" in Shrewsbury with key players flung across the globe as far as Mauritius and the Highlands of Scotland. Captain Simon William's dicky knee was a little less dicky this week as he declared himself fit although only marginally more mobile than Long John Silver after a night out down at the docks. The rest of the team comprised The Hedge, Sprowson G, Callender J, Smurph (wearing an Everton T-shirt dating back to the early 80's when they last won something) and a genuine colt in the spritely form of Paul Goodwin who was making his debut.

Paul's appearance had to be cunningly disguised in order to pass muster as a 30-something as his energy and athleticism slightly destroyed the plan to declare his age to the umpire as somewhere in the region of a well preserved 40. Even some last minute make-up applied in the car park including a grey wig, some deepening of the wrinkles on his face with an eye-brow pencil (don't ask how we had one to hand) and a Clive Dunn/Corporal Jones mask could not hide the fact that Paul runs half marathons for fun whereas the rest of the team eat half a Marathon (or a Snickers as they now are) as a sugar boost between innings. Still, Paul was a very handy signing as a quality replacement wicket-keeper to allow The Sprout to bowl and block the fire exit on the back wall thus contravening health and safety regulations.

Simon won the toss and elected to let his bowlers loose on a Frogmore batting line-up that resembled a Jamie Oliver cooking programme being big on enthusiasm but sadly lacking in very much quality. The Sprout was thrown the old ball and was somewhat confused by it's appearance looking as it did like half an old apple and half a
coconut macaroon that had seen better days. It was hard to know if it would seam, swing or simply disintegrate on impact. It seems an odd custom these days that we get to warm up with brand new oranges and then get given something that looks like an enlarged spleen for the match itself. The first over from "Brussels" was unmemorable but John Callender then took the first wicket in bizarre fashion before a full-blooded shot had been played in anger. The Froggy opener jabbed at one of JC's "Bruce Forsyth" balls (i.e. a largely inoffensive delivery) but missed it and the ball apologetically kissed the green base of the stumps like a cheerleader
on prom night. Several seconds later the leg bail dropped like a leaf in Autumn and the batsman was declared out while he was getting in to his stance to face the next ball. A run out or two followed shortly afterwards as the Kermits reached 55-4 off 6 overs with nobody able to deal with either Hedge's pace or Simon's demonic leggers. Several overs went by with only a handful of runs scored and the back wall resembled the Berlin Wall as nobody paid it any attention and it might as well have been knocked down for the evening. A final total of 67 all out was never going to be enough.

The Sprout then attempted to add to his chequered history of run out victims by opening up with Smurph but 50 runs were put on the board with ease before the end of the 5th over with Sprout retiring to the cage with 25 and Hedge building a patient innings at No. 3 like a shaven-headed Chris Tavare. A reasonable performance against weak opposition.

Man of the Match : "Dan" the umpire - Cheerful, happy to be there, fun-loving plus he gave Hedge an LBW.

Match report: v Redbourn 22 Oct

Like Chamberlain's piece of paper from Berlin, Princess Diana's last letter to the Queen, the Russian linesman's match report from the 1996 World Cup Final and the score-sheet from The Colts v. Redbourn match - some documents are destined never to be found. On this basis, The Colts famous win against their old nemesis will live on in the memories of those that witnessed it whilst the facts and figures evaporate in to history. Tall tales will be told by old men with rheumy eyes in the corner of The Snug in "The Crossed Keys" on a wet Thursday evening - of Steve "Monsters" Ball's final over, of Don "200 Degrees" Fahrenheim's clean striking of an orange and of Trevor "Harbour" Bridger (brother of Sydney) with hands like fly-paper on the bark of an old apple tree.

The Colts had to make wholesale changes for this match with no Whiteley, Spencer, Howard, Hedges, Callender, Murphy or Williams (was there a party on somewhere that we weren't invited to ?) so there were first appearances of the season for Neil "Chuck" Berry, Tony "Hooperman" Hooper and the old hands Fahrenheim and Bridger whilst Ball and Sprowson made up the final six with Williams watching from the stands with a dicky knee. Redbourn won the toss and chose to field perhaps looking at a perceived weakness in The Colts' line-up as Sprowson and Ball opened up in their contrasting styles. This fixture has some history and is notoriously closely fought but The Colts have always been the crocodile to Redbourn's Captain Hook and there was almost a frisson of interest in the crowd as the first ball was bowled by Redbourn's "Wiley" (it's not known if this is his nickname or his proper name but either way he's a cagey opening bowler). Sprowson nudged and nurdled but Ball was becalmed like a Spanish galleon in calm seas and an attempt to hit a "pieces of eight" to the back wall saw him sink without trace without many on the board. Hoops then strode to the wickert but was a class apart from this crude form of the game and he was run out quickly as Sprowson shrewdly managed to protect his average by sending the sporting scientist back to his test tubes. It was Don Fahrenheim who put bat to ball after Sprowson retired on 25 and he connected freely with several hits to the back wall and aided by the "old skool" cunning of Bridger the score was nursed towards 120. With Sprowson back on court it was agreed that anything like 130 might be a good total and helped by the odd leg-side wide in the final over The Colts reached 134-4 - a par score with the new orange ball but defendable if the bowlers could hold their nerve and their line.

The second innings bowling performance was almost flawless. Ball and Hooper were straight, true and miserly. Whilst no wickets fell in these early overs Redbourn were unable to get up to anything like 10 an over and as the pressure grew it was clear that like Freddie Mercury in drag somebody was going to have to try to break free. Eventually a single to Mr. Bridger (aptly positioned near the cell on the side wall) was a desperate attempt to get things moving and the run out was completed at the non-striker's end. Berry and Sprowson then came on and bowled just as straight with hardly a hint of a leg-side wide. Bridger swooped for a sharp catch and another run out as only the Redbourn opener managed to make it to 25 despite having taken a few overs to get there. A very sweaty Sprowson then conceded an 8 to the back wall of the first ball of his final over but responded with two dots as the rest of the over yielded few extra runs and Redbourn were under intense pressure. The Redbourn opener came back in but "Hooperman" bowled a tremendous penultimate over including a fantastic final ball strategic bouncer that almost took off the batsman's nose. Surely 20 runs off the last over would prove to be too much ? Well, it just about was - but don't call me Shirley. It was a great end game of cat-and-mouse as Bally speared in darts to the one class Redbourn bat who was determined to get down the track and hit straight. By the final ball only a magic top "10" hit would result in a draw/tie. A hush went round the 9 people watching in the gallery. Ball let the orange go - was it a shade too slow, a shade too full or just a hazy shade of winter ? The final delivery was hit hard and well but roughly a bat length wide of the "10" target. The Colts had won by 2 runs despite being the underdogs. Church bells peeled across the night sky as men of Harpenden still a-bed held their manhoods cheap that they had not been with us to celebrate that evening.

Men of the Match : "Big" Don and "Big" Trev - a very welcome return.

Colts v Long Marston match report 6 0ct

A welcome return to winning ways last night. Murph was left stranded at work pricing some german sausage, or that's what it sounded like, so our new recruit Hedge stepped in resplendent in a shirt fast approaching 20 years old.

I lost the toss and we were invited to bat. Dave and Graeme started solidly with Graeme luckily being dropped off a sitter. The use of a new ball and the reinforcement of the cage meant shots were pinging off the walls and returning to fielders rather too quickly to steal singles easily. Dave was the first victim of this, from a well timed cut that went straight back to the keeper, but the opening stand had made over 50. Bally then helped Graeme up to retiring, pushing up the run rate too before he fell to another run out from a well timed shot. John then joined Hedge who was starting to show his pedigree chum narrowly missing a 10. John fell and I joined Hedge and we kept up a reasonable rate until I also fell to another run out neatly bisecting the sidewall back to the bowler. Graeme and Hedge finished off the overs in fine style reaching 159 for 4.

Long Marston lost their first wicket in the first over to an outstanding catch by Graeme from an upish cut returning to the stumps off Dave. John could not quiet return to hero mode and Steve took over determined to stem the flow of runs from last week with a flatter trajectory. Long Marston lost wickets regularly three to run outs by John, Hedge and myself. At this point they were in deep in trouble but there was no recovery as I took the final two wickets, one a great catch by Hedge off his boots via the sidewall from a hard hit drive. They were 63 all out with two overs to spare.

Colts v FinalCC match report

I am afraid this is another season where we have lost our first game. We lost the toss and they decided to bat and made 143 for 5.

Our fielding was clearly rusty, but whilst we didn’t bowl many wides, there were also far too many 6 balls. I think we most have conceded at least 6x6s, which made up for quite a few dot balls we achieved inbetween. I screwed up clearly on one occasion on the back wall and several others perhaps could have been stopped, but were so close to actually hitting the corner it was difficult to slide behind the ball. John Cal, bowled very well throughout his spell as did Mike and Dave in their last two overs who stopped their total creeping completely out of reach.

Mike and Dave opened and started confidently in the first two overs and we were up with the run rate. Then sadly Dave hit the cage which is normally a certain run, but unusually tha ball rebounded much more than expected and when Mike called “no”, Dave was stranded. Steve joined Mike and again continued to push the score along at the required rate, but sadly didn’t quite follow through with shot that could have gone for 10, but there was a fine running catch taken on the backwall off the fielder’s boots. I joined Mike, who then retired on a quickly made 25, but I didn’t last long, moving across my stumpts too far to expose my leg stump. Trevor also didn’t last long, leaving Mike and John as the last pair, with plenty of work to do. On the positive side, we had always remained up with the run rate, but then Mike was given out to a very rare LBW, which looked out, but was a bit unbalanced as we had had 4 good shouts when the new pink ball kept low. John however then played a blinder hitting an 8 off their best bowler and taking 19 off his last but one over. It went down to the last over, we needed 12 to win, they needed one wicket. The first two balls were dots, so John felt then need for big hit, but didn’t get it straight enough, hitting the sidewall hard but going straight back to the bowler. We were 132 all out, with John making 43, clearly our man of the match. However overall, we really just didn’t do well enough.

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