Match report v Bamville 1 Dec

History is full of huge wins. England's victory over France on the away goals rule at Agincourt is one such. Joe Pasquale being crowned "King of the Jungle" in 2004 is another and Spurs knocking 9 second half goals against Wigan Unathletic is a third. The Spurs result led to the terrace joke "What time is it ? - It's nearly 10 past Chris Kirkland". Anyway, last night was a huge win for the Colts against Bamville. As giant steps towards something go this was right up there with Neil Armstong popping out of his space module without so much as a "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky ".

Bamville CC play on a pitch cunningly marked out in the middle of a fairway on Harpenden Common golf course. Therefore, it's fair to say that they are not overly concerned with the size of the Choice Cricket "Cowshed of Dreams" as the dimensions are roughly the same as those they play on every other Sunday. With the toss of the golden nugget falling the Bam's way they very quickly asked, nay demanded, that the Colts take first whack with both teams aware of the importance of the fixture. Nerves were highly strung and the tension was so thick that you could have cut a slice and spread it with butter and a generous portion of marmalade as Graeme "Brassica " Sprowson and Mike "Jockey" Howard strapped on their pads to take guard.

The Bam's "Jeremy" (we think that's not a nickname) was quick and straight but the batting was actually calm and collected as the openers picked up in excess of 10 an over without too many alarms. However, Geoff Boycott's old adage that you should always add 2 wickets to your score in Vets indoor cricket was never proved to be more true as "Brassica" sent back "The Laird of Glasgow" for a run out and Steve "Roller" Ball was yorked with his first nut so that 32-0 became 32-2 and a whole new match was unfolding. "Broccoli" Sprowson dropped an anchor that would have held the "Titanic" in place during a hurricane as skipper Simon "Cock" Williams looked to repair the innings with a cautious start. During the Middle Ages the word "cock" was used to describe a self-assured young man (taken after the image of a strutting self-assured rooster) and as a result this nickname was applied to a number of names, including Williams which is where the surname Wilcox comes from. (These match reports are educational too y'know).

The score was up to 79-2 when the Colts received a boost by the introduction of the Bam "mystery spinner". In this context "mystery" is usually used to denote that it is impossible for the batter to detect which way any given delivery will spin. In fact, in this instance it was more the fact that it was impossible to determine which side of the wicket or which bit of the carpet the ball might bounce on if it didn't ping down off the roof in the first place. A telling factor in this match was that Bamville gave away an astonishing 51 extras of which 38 were very wide. The score-sheet ended up looking like an algebra problem where if x = Bamville bowling then y = a shed-load of extras. "Willo the Wisp" retired on 26 even before Sprowson who had grown a beard in the time it took him to retire on 28 in the 9th over but by then the score was up to 109 with 3 overs left. John "Topless" Callender and David "Friction" Byrne then added a sprightly 47 from two delightful cameos with JC notching 16 in 14 balls and "Friction" a gorgeous 24 in just 11 including 2 punched back wall 6's just at the right time. A total of 156 was worth bonus points and the confidence that the Colts knew we had a good score to defend.

For the second dig the nerves returned and it was as fraught as a school prize giving evening out there as fielders pawed the ground and yelps of banal encouragement wafted out from behind the stumps, some of it helpful but most of it mired in cliché. "The Loon from Troon " managed to concede 12 wides in his first over in an effort to even up the extras count and over-throws allowed a rarely seen "9" to feature on the score-card being kept diligently by "The Garden Hedge" up in the crowd. The Bam's were up to 33-0 off 2 overs before the Colts settled down with an easy run out followed by another and then a stumping to reduce the oppo to 58-3 off 5 and some way from home. Another run out saw "Prophylactic" Ball and "Third Degree" Byrne take over with the jaffa and this led to further wickets with "Prophylactic" snaffling a genuine steer to gully like a bulldog stealing a biscuit whilst wearing an expression that suggested he'd just had something inserted into him. With the obdurate "Tony" (16 off 32 balls) building a stone wall around him that even the Emperor Hadrian might have been impressed with time was running out for the final wicket albeit with the game now in the bag. It's difficult to define in indoor cricket terms what a strike-rate of 0.500 is the equivalent to but it's like doing the full 8 minutes 11 seconds of "American Pie" at a karaoke night, or painting Trevor "Forth" Bridger with a toothbrush, or listening to a Billy Connolly monologue at half speed, or catching a First Capital Connect train in the vain f-ing hope that it might actually get you to your destination in the same month as when you left home. Suffice to say that Bamville didn't quite make it to 100 as they closed at 92 all out with Bally getting another bang in front LBW that was so obviously supported by the evidence that Tony Blair would have sent troops to Iraq on the basis of it (a little bit of politics for you there).

The Colts are now 2 matches away from immortality and a place amongst the pantheon of sporting Gods. Surely it can't be too late for Captain "Cock" Williams to get on the panel for the BBC's "Sports Personality of the Year" or for The Colts to be in the race for "Team of the Year" ?

MoM : It's close one, given extras totalled 51, but your scribe goes for David "Third Degree" Byrne for 24 not out and 2-0-13-1.