THE COLTS V. CRABTREE DADS : LEAGUE : 23/10/12

Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the mire of the Choice Cricket Centre. Captain “Lord Voldemort” Prefab took off his invisibility cape and apparated in to the car park with Steve “Ron Weasley” Ball in time to take a sniff of flu powder, sneak past a rancid Dementor and cast a spell on any of the other ridiculously named creatures that JK Rowling saw fit to cram in to 600 pages of childish nonsense masquerading as literature. Andrew “Uncle Feste” Hedges was already there as were Mike “Thing” Howard, John “Hermione” Card and Simon “Whomping” Willow. Quidditch this was not going to be.

The Colts lost the toss for a change but still batted first as the Dads decided to take defence against the dark arts by bowling first and looking to chase. “Lord Voldemort” (38 in 25) strapped on his pads and gathered up his snake (he’s got a big opinion of himself hasn’t he ? – Ed.) and sought to cast a spell of illusionary batsmanship early doors. This backfired somewhat in that he then proceeded to run out three of his colleagues. Even The Ministry of Magic couldn’t have sorted out these deceptions as “Whomping” (6 in 4) was deceived by a poor call (although a direct hit didn’t help) whilst “Thing” (28 in 14) and “Weasley” (12 in 7) were all severusly snaped by bad calls, bad running and generally bad cricket. The irony was not lost on “Uncle Feste” who pointed out that running between the wickets had been the subject of an extensive owl mail exchange that very afternoon. The idea that “Lord Voldemort” might have been on the butter beer was not dismissed out of hand.

The Colts kept a steady 10-an-over going but the Dads are a much improved side and “Ben” (3-0-24-0), “Nearly Headless Nick” (3-0-23-1) and “Al” (2-0-18-2) all bowled well backed up by some sharp fielding. The Colts batting was a little muggled as “Feste” (11 in 5) chipped to midwicket and “Hermione” (6 in 5) was like a Hippogriff caught in the headlights after his fore-hand smash was well caught by the bowler. Even "Nearly Headless Nick" was surprised at the passage of play as "Al" sent down two high beamers in a row to “Hermione” giving up 20 runs in over 9 which eventually proved to be the winning margin. “Lord Voldemort” continued his dastardly deeds to hit a late 6 but he was out with 3 balls to go and The Colts were Cornelius partly-fudged to finish up with a half-blood 128 all out. Only 17 paltry notches came from the last 3 overs when the slog-warts should have been on.

What The Colts lack with the wand they more than make up for with the golden snitch however (and for the golden snitch, don’t forget to ask “Thing” about his Scottish stag party entertainment). “Feste” (3-0-23-0) continues to show he is the bowler in form and “Whomping” (3-0-25-3) was just as dangerous. Several loopy and demonic leg-breaks accounted for an easy stumping and two very difficult caught-and-bowleds as the Dads slumped to 46-3 in 6 and the game was over. Or was it ? Polyjuice potion was pumping through “Ben’s” veins (35 in 15) as he smote the ball over hill and down Mrs. Dale. Two run-outs helped and “Ben” was faced with a tough ask of 20 to win from the last 2 balls and it was doubly dangerous as “Thing” served a peach of an in-swinger to mangle the stumps and send Albus Dumbledore back to his momma. The Colts win but it was closer than many might have thought and a few bonus points may have gone begging.             

MoM: “Lord Voldemort” was effectively 38-4 so he’s out. Gryffindor House recognises Simon “Whomping” Willow for having an entirely apt nickname as well as bowling extremely well and holding most of his catches.

THE COLTS V. FROGMORE : LEAGUE : 18/10/12

Andrew “Grey Goose” Hedges was a shadow of his former self in the warm-up to this match (with warm-up meaning the standing around chatting and watching the previous game through the netting as the batting side inexplicably grabbed defeat from the jaws of certain victory). A blood sample of pure vodka was enough to put him personally on the WADA list as a banned substance right up there next to Lance Armstrong’s urine. With eyes like two red traffic lights in a Minnesota snowstorm, “The Goose” was vaguely aware of his surroundings, vaguely aware that he was doing something sporting and vaguely aware that he had driven to get there. However, he stuck religiously to his theme that “It was all the broker’s fault” before admitting that him and Grey Goose vodka “May have a bit of a problem that we need to sort out”. This was a bit like saying that Serbians aren’t too keen on that nice immigrant family that has just moved in down the road.         

The Colts, still rusty but applying oil like a Balinese goddess of plenty on a feast day, won the toss again and decided to stick with batting first. Captain “Black Swan” Von Prefab led the team with “The Grey Goose” Hedges, David “Dead Duck” Whiteley, Pete “Bald Eagle” Makower, Mike “Red Rooster” Howard and John “Cock Robin” Card. Steve “Ugly Duckling” Ball took his scoring duties very seriously and produced a scorecard worthy of Tony Hart’s gallery. “Duck” (42 in 22) was in prime rib form in the opening exchanges as 45 went on the board in just 3 overs. “Black Swan” (11 in 10) continued his struggle to find a wall or fully complete a run and it was left to “Rooster” (62* in 27) to really spank it around. “Cock Robin”, “Bald Eagle” and “Goose” fell in a variety of ways although “Cock” got a good one first nut. A cock ‘n’ ball story that one. As 69-2 became 71-4 at around halfway, The Colts batting was again as fragile as a BBC 1970 children’s TV presenter’s reputation but finally 141-5 was reached which usually sits as the benchmark for a decent score. The only controversy was a hotly disputed run out but rather than a dispute between the teams it was a dispute between the batter “Duck” and the ump in the cage “Cock”. In fact, the words “duck” and “cock” may well have been used in the exchange (or something very much like them). “Rooster” and “Duck” scored just under 74% of the team’s runs.

Frogmore hadn’t bowled badly and now they were looking to chase well with the bat but they ran in to a Colts bowling unit that finally put an innings together with the apple. “Bald Eagle” (2-0-22-1) had a good LBW triggered bang in front and hurricane “Goose” (3-0-14-2) simply wrecked the innings. Sweating neat grain spirit and focusing grimly on the middle set of stumps that he could see, “Goose” had a nibble behind and a clean bowled in an over that went “w.w1.w” with a run out thrown in for good measure. The Frogs allez from 27-1 to 28-4 and the match was won. Even an extraordinary “Red Rooster” overthrow at the far end when he clearly couldn’t decide whether to under-arm an over-arm throw or over-arm an under-arm one didn’t matter very much. Mr. Salt (19 in 18 with 2 x 6’s) added a bit of spice but 59 all out left The Colts clear winners by 82 runs and a morale boost in the league.

MoM : Can’t look anywhere but the “Red Rooster” for 62* but “Dead Duck” gave us a fine start. The batting in general still needs some work but the bowling tonight was extremely

good.

NB : If you get a chance, ask Hedge about his drive home. It was an episode of “Top Gear” all on it’s own. 

THE COLTS V. CRABTREE DADS : CUP : 12/10/12

It was a new flight of fancy in the cup for The “Women’s Auxiliary Balloon Corp.” Colts as they looked to check in at the economy desk of fate only to hope that we had been upgraded to the First Class lounge complete with free Buck’s Fizz (remember them – now performing in an airport lounger near you) and a complimentary pair of flight slippers and a sleep mask. Captain Baron Von Richtofen had selected his flight crew from jet-setters around the globe with David “Louis Bleriot” Whiteley flying in direct from Schipol with a suspicious bulge in his trousers that may or may not have been a bag of weed. Nice. Andrew “Biggin Hill” Hedges had made it on time in his flying cap and goggles (no handlebar ‘tache though) and Our Lord JC (DFC and bar), Micky “Mannock” Howard and Stephen “Dougie Bader” Ball made up the flying squad.

Chocks away and a win of the toss saw The Colts yell “Contact” as propellers spun in to action with “Mannock” (33 in 13) and “Bleriot” (31* in 13) putting on an unbroken 50 for the first pair. “Biggin” (11 in 7) then swooped in low before running himself out and JC (11 in 7) fell for the oldest trick in the indoor book. At the non-striker’s end he stood nonplussed as his skipper, as unstoppable as a jumbo on a package flight to Malaga, took off from the far end of the runway shouting in to his radio “Waiting, waiting waiting” before then yelling “Abort !!!” and performing an Immelman turn on the spot to land safely back at base to get his oil levels checked. JC, understandably confused by the calling and the sight of what must have looked like the half of the Fleet Air Arm’s finest just about to take off, responded in kind only to have to try and turn around himself and getting shot down in mid-air by a half decent piece of fielding. “Richtofen” (18 in 12) then did something not dissimilar to leave “Dougie” (16 in 7) stranded like a lone bag on the conveyor belt to nowhere and all of a sudden a total of 150 was being taken off the indicator boards and the “Wait at Gate” sign went on. The openers came back to add a bit of gloss including an “8” from “Mannock” but 139-5 was a bit disappointing and The Colts remain a work in progress with the bat.

As the oil can of youth was applied to aching limbs and a fresh can of diesel poured in to the tank, “Biggin” Hedge (3-0-19-1) took aim and started sending down “Hellfires” whilst early on JC (2-0-29-0) had a few surface-to-leg-side missiles. It was Micky “Mannock” who broke the deadlock with a good one and took one of their blighters with him. It was a controversial one in that the batsman had sauntered down the track but an inswinging yorker hitting you low and plumb in front probably meant that fighter command had given a good decision. The batter went to the station mess muttering darkly about Duxford Wings and the “Hun in the Sun”. The match went in to a baggage handlers slump after that with nothing much happening (French air traffic controllers were on strike) apart from any number of edges and balls somehow not hitting the stumps. A word must be said for top gun “Ginger” JC (upgraded to DSO, DFC and a drink at the bar) who threw himself at everything as the ball followed him around the court. It was sensational stuff and probably should have prompted a drugs test and full body cavity search.

The Pops made a good fight of it and at one stage were 85-2 from 8 but with some strong bowling overs still to come the result was not likely to be an upset. Air Chief Marshall Prefab could rule the skies once more as his spitfires came softly in to land on the springy turf of the Kent countryside leaving those Crabtree Fokkes downed all over England.

MOM : Micky “Mannock” Howard has a huge call for this but sometimes one man rises above the occasion to transcend everything and do a hundred things that the rest of us could hardly dream of. That grand chap last night was Our Lord JC who threw himself everywhere and added useful runs and overs. At one point there was a real fear that he’d bought a packet and gone goose over stumps Frog-side. Mercifully not as it turned out.

THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : LEAGUE : 2/10/12

Out of order! Out of order! The cries (or was it crying ?) from the speaker’s chair and from the Choice Indoor balcony rang out as Rupert Garrett, Minister for Lost Causes, was last man out left with the impossible job of trying to turn our Nick Clegg of a second innings in to a Winston Churchill. PM Clement Sprowson had already called the General Election by opting to bowl first and for the first half of the match everything went extremely well. Babies were kissed, speeches given, budgets were approved and hustings were, well, whatever you do with hustings. Minister for Indie Music Simon Williams (0-20) bowled with plenty of spin doctoring (a la Alistair Campbell) and the fielding was keen. John "Ballot" Card was miserly as well but only 2 run outs were made (one required the boot of Tim, the Earl of Spence) as Redbourn went to the country and ended up with a Chorley by-election of a score at 106-2 at only just under 9 an over. In fact, the middle 6 overs went for only 40 runs which is a good effort in anyone’s copy of Hansard. “Boz” (his mum calls him Darren) retired with 25* as did “Chris” but “Anthony” took 18 balls over his painful 9 and it looked as though the Colts would take a second term in office and be able to put our feet up on the leather armchair in the sitting room of No. 10, whilst getting stuck in to the Duchy of Cornwall Hob Nobs in the secret biscuit barrel that nobody has known about since the crisis over that batch of broken Garibaldis.   

PM Clement (14 in 10) and “Two Jags” Whiteley (15 in 18) took the party to 37-0 by the end of the 3rd over and Redbourn were in grave danger of losing their deposit. What could possibly go wrong ? Even Peter Snow’s “swing-o-meter” (on loan from the BBC) was showing a healthy majority and then it all went a bit Brighton hotel. The PM and "Two Jags" had a major policy u-turn in mid-pitch leaving the PM out on a limb, caught short and facing a bail deficit to the tune of two at the non-stricker's end. In the space of the next 15 balls we got David Dimblebyed to the tune of Earl Spencer (run out), the Minister for Indie Music (slapped one back to the 'keeper off the wall), "Two Jags" (leading question and leading edge) and Minister for Churches JC3 (steered a short wide one to the foreign office and was posted overseas). All of a sudden we were 55-5 and done for. The Minister for Lost Causes (Rupes - 13 in 31) took some unhelpful stick from the back benches as he bravely tried to prevent a landslide. Redbourn even helpfully threw in nearly an entire over of John Prescotts (very wides) from their very occasional off-spinner Nigel but it didn't matter.

85 all out and a loss by 21 runs was probably the poorest performance from Dem Colts for years and the feeling in the bar said every bit as much. It was enough for the PM to start drafting his Geoffrey Howe "broken bats" speech or at least offering to spend more time with this family. It's time to prepare (again) for government.

MoM : Awkward. A shared half on a grisly night. Simon Williams for the best cricket of the evening with the ball and Rupes for sheer strength of character in not wrapping the bat around the head of everyone who had already got themselves out but then shouted themselves hoarse with well intentioned bits of so-called advice from the Upper Gallery.

Improvements needed. Green shoots of recovery and all that. All suggestions to Rt. Hon. PM Clement Major-Blair as he re-shuffles his drinks cabinet.

STEVIE BALLY-STEROS : 2 UP....

With no laughing at any Americans intended, Bally took up the pitching wedge of power and made a nice up-and-down from the deep rough that Captain Olly Prefab von Colsaerts had left him in by sodding off to Dublin for the week. Bally-steros went round nicely in 2-under par as Long Marston and Totternhoe were wild off the tee and ended up out-of-bounds.

The scoresheets make for awkward reading so a few quotes from the written words will suffice :-

Long Marston:- 

• Howard: 43* Not Out Legend
• Ali: Howard Juggle x3 (is that like the Ali Shuffle ?). 
• Lee: Apparently The Tower turned one.
• No Balls: Four run outs.

Totternhoe:- 

• The Colts: Long tail
• Mike H.: Dropped on 8 & 14 (never mind - he only made 46*). 
• Tim S.: Chipped one to short mid-on.
• JC3: Bowled by across the line. 
• Ball: Retired for one ball....!!
• Robinson: Nowhere near it !
• Pete: Ct. off roof. 
• Tower: Grenades.
• "Was their scorer watching the same game ?". 

That seems to have been the gist of it. The comments are not attributed to anyone and are written in "tongue-in-cheek" mode !!

For the record The Colts made 120-5 to beat LM (59 all out) by quite a few. Also 155-5 (with Bally doing both his nut and his inner groin at the same time) was too much for the T's (60 all out).

MoM's : Tricky from a Guinness infused haze but we'll give it to Mike Howard for LM and Bally for Totts.