Match report v Crabtree 26 Nov

Like a certain infamous German Dictator , the Colts only have one Ball but what a difference he made in the top-of-the-table clash against the Crabapple Dads at the Choice Cricket Allianz/Emirates Arena just off the M1. Steve "Ping Pong" Ball announced himself in the 6th over of the match by claiming a wicket with his first ball and went on to record the startling figures of 3-0-12-3 in an awesome display of old fashioned off-spin. From a decent start of 53 off 5 overs with a man retired in the hutch the Elmtree Fathers were looking poised and efficient but Ball's introduction was the turning point thanks to an inspired piece of captaincy. It takes a skipper of rare skill, intuition and intelligence to take a game by the scruff of the neck and shape it in his own image but unfortunately Simon Williams was not playing due to work commitments so the Colts made it up as they went along instead.

Ball's first was an LBW so bang to rights as it hit the batsman on the full in front of middle peg that the departing player was lucky not to get 3 years inside as well as the crooked finger of fate from umpire Gary Sanford . The last time that a decision so obvious was correctly made was when that annoying pair of in-bred Irish parakeets were sent packing from the X-Factor (so I'm told - my wife has it on in the background and I glance at it from time to time when I take a break from reading Dickens under my angle-poise reading lamp).

Ball followed this with his next trick in his next over - a three card trick in fact that even Paul Daniels would have approved of. With Hedge providing assistance as the lovely Debbie McGee on the back wall, Ball sent down one loopy off break and then another loopy off break before whipping the quicker one on with the arm and picking off the bails like the Artful Dodger taking a pocket kerchief from an unsuspecting toff in Marylebone High Street (apologies for the Dickens fixation). The lovely Hedge McGee was so impressed that afterwards he confessed to having called out "well bowled" just after the point that "Fezziwig" Ball had released the orange on it's way but before it had even pitched. Now that's magic.

There were others on court of course; Michael the Bruce was hostile with the ball but full of goodwill to all men having accepted a cash offer on castle Howard. There were twice the number of Whiteleys as usual with David "Baht 'at" Whiteley cheered on by his old man in the bleachers plus Graeme "Jumping Frog" Sprowson and Trevor "Golden Gate" Bridger completing a magnificent 6. "Baht 'at " snaffled a direct hit run out and "Cannon" Ball picked up his last wicket with a catch off a side wall to add to the damage as the Willowtree Parents struggled along at only 7 an over having made such a promising start. Two silly run outs when a last wicket stand might have made a difference left the Colts with a target of 90 to take giant leap towards the league title.

"The King of Rock and Roll" Sprowson and "Farmer" Whiteley opened the innings to avoid any tinkering with the usual order of things and runs flowed like cheap white wine down the throat of a saucy secretary at an office Christmas party. Despite efforts by Hedge to make the scorecard look like an Enron balance sheet there were just enough figures in the right columns to show that both openers made it to retirement and a gold watch with 25 not out. "Trevor" Howard and "Celia Johnson" Bridger then met under the clock at Waterloo station as their brief encounter provided the extra few runs to see the Colts home. Bridger in particular was in an excitable mood being dropped first ball and almost run out on numerous occasions during his knock of 3 not out. At one point he screamed "It's too late" to Howard as they stood next to each other in the batting crease considering the possibility of a single before they both then set off for the far end. The Dutch-Elm-Disease Paters were generous in defeat as they relinquished top spot in the division, possibly forever.

MoM : It can only be - Steve "Medicine" Ball. (It's noteworthy that the word "ball" may have some origins from the Latin word "Foll-is" which can be defined as "a thing blown up or inflated". It makes you think.)

Xmas dates availability

Final CC v Wee Hamish McDiddy

So last night was more like Final CC v Wee Hamish McDiddy rather than The Colts, such was the dominance of the not so wee scotsman. It was very reminiscent of the night two years ago, when Hamish led The Diddymen out of trouble too. We lost the toss and were asked to bowl with Diddy Dave and Wee Hamish opening up. The first over was tight from Diddy and Hamish removed one of their openers with his first ball.

The other opener then also departed run out from a bad call. This unfortunately let in Final’s star player, Tariq, who as usual looked assured stroking the ball around. Our fielding was also mostly on the mark. We hit the stumps 4 times at the keepers end but no decisions were given in our favour. One was a particularly bad decision, made worse as it would have run Tariq out. Three of their batsman reached 25 and with another run out this let Tariq back in at the end. However our bowling good throughout, I don’t think we had a single wide throughout the innings, there were a few no balls though, one being a might harsh for a lifting delivery. So whilst we only took three wickets, we kept them down to 129 for 3, a reasonable, but gettable total.

Hamish and Diddy opened the batting and were moving confidently through the opening overs, with Hamish in particularly fine form hitting the back wall twice with hammered straight drives. Sadly on 24, and hitting the sidewall which would have taken him to retirement, he sent Diddy back and left him stranded. I went in three and Hamish reached his 25 with his next shot. Harry “Hedge” Cott then joined me and couldn’t resist a tempting flighted delivery and was stumped by a mile. Dickie “Murphy” Mint was next in and we started to look comfortable having put on 30, when I tried to run a leg side wide that conveniently came straight off the back wall to the keeper to leave me easily run out. When Sid “Stuart” Short, our stand in keeper for the evening, was bowled almost immediately and then Dickie Mint walked across his stumps and was triggered LBW, it really looked like we had just thrown our chances of the double. We were 77 for 5, but it was only the 8^th over. This is where Wee Hamish turned the game single handed. Dickie Mint called well as the non-striking runner and as each over ticked by we just kept ahead of the required run rate. With less than 10 required and in the 11^th over, Final had one last chance to run out Hamish, but flunked it, when Dickie ran out of puff. However, we only needed 7 off the last over, which were comfortably taken. Hamish ended on 78 not out, an heroic innings.

Hamish was clearly the man of the match. In the end Final got what they deserved for more or less cheating there way to a defendable total.

Match report v Totternhoe Tues 10 Nov

For those of you that don't know, Totternhoe is an ancient village to the south of the county of Bedfordshire. It is noted for Totternhoe Knolls which have been a defensive fort for both the Romans and the Normans. Behind the Knolls are a large chalk quarry producing the famous Totternhoe stone and some modern lime kilns. The 13th century local church is dedicated to St. Giles, being the patron saint of cripples (insert your own joke here) due to the large number of people crippled while working in the quarry [Note from skip: plagurism from Wikipedia, will get you nowhere and are you bored now?]

Adding to St. Giles's work in the community were the Colts last night as a very strong all-round line-up inflicted a big defeat thanks to "Serena" Williams [Note from skip: What, I demand a more appropriate pseudonym! Robbie? Robin? Even Venus is better than being compared to second row forward come tennis player], "Prefab" Sprowson, "Braveheart" Howard, "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne, David "Copper Dragon" Whiteley and Steve "The Secret Policeman" Ball. "Prefab" was still protecting an infinite average as the result of not yet having been out and he and Whiteley both made it to 25 before retiring with 51 on the board inside 4 overs. Some of the Totternhoe bowling was quick but erratic (including a huge first ball wide that might have embarrassed even Steve Harmison) whilst the spin options were steady but perhaps lacking in a bit of devil. To be fair to the Totts they were prepared to put their bodies on the line as "Hamish Macbeth" Howard proceeded to smash the ball everywhere. It's not entirely clear how much of the Totts fielding was based on a selfless desire to help the team and how much was the fact that they just couldn't get out of the damn way of the Howard exocets in time but the 100 was put on the board in about 8 overs and the Colts knew they were on to a good thing.

"The Secret Policeman" and "Serena" then allowed the Totts a couple of wickets. Bally struggled to score threes as he was determined to smash the ball through the side walls and was particularly unlucky to be caught off what appeared to be a combination of wall, net, ceiling, fielder and then a one-handed grab by the bowler. Serena scored 9 in 4 balls before also holing out, but this time off the roof net. Sometimes, a bit like a Manchester United fan wearing all the gear on a flight home from a European match and then being diverted to John Lennon airport in Liverpool, you just know that it's not your day. "Prefab" got back in to join "Chinese" on his high wire act and was looking to pick up some cheap runs but one sharp single too many saw him dismissed for 35 and it was to be "Scotch Broth" Howard and "Copper Dragon" who would see out the final 3 overs with 125 currently on the board. Sensible batting saw both players in to the 40's and it was a race to see who would get their 50 first. Howard was hitting hard and straight but ended just short whilst David picked off the side walls and made it to 51 on the last ball. The Colts had made 165 which was probably about 20 less than might have been if it weren't for Totternhoe fielders throwing themselves in front of big shots like paparazzi on the red carpet of a film premiere.

A score of 165 is a good number on any Blue Peter "Totalizer" no matter how many stamps you've peeled off using warm water nor how many milk bottle tops you've stolen from your neighbours and with the bowling at "Venus" Williams's disposal a win was surely on the cards ? "Frankie" Howard was quick and brutal and Whiteley was accurate from the start and the Totts struggled to maintain even 6 an over despite not losing an early wicket. Some terrible calling and poor judgement of a run then prompted a collapse with Whiteley bagging a brace of run outs like a poacher in the woods at midnight and Howard clean bowling the No. 3 before he'd even thought about deciding whether he should consider the feasibility of playing forward or back. It wasn't to be a Byrne's night as his accurate leggers were largely kept at bay but skipper Williams took the last wicket to leave Totternhoe bewitched, bothered and bewildered at 56 all out in the 7^th over with time to still make it back home for a film starting at 9pm and a takeaway from the local curry house.

The Colts will go clear top of the table after this round of matches, as previous leaders Crabtree Dads lost their second game last night, leaving us as the only team with one loss so far. We then have a mouth-watering semi-final of the cup versus Final CC to come next week. As Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards once said to Douglas Bader - "Keep your eyes on the skis".

Delayed MoM v. Flamstead : David "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne - a brilliant debut.

MoM v. Totternhoe : But for an umpiring indiscretion in "The Cage" it might have been Mike "Braveheart" Howard but the award this week goes to David "The Woolpack" Whiteley for his 51 plus 2 catches and a run out.

Report courtesy of the "Prefab".

Match report v Flamstead Tues 3 Nov

The best plaid plans of pigs and men can be thrown into total chaos when one of your players contracts swine 'flu 24 hours before your next match. The Hedge was duly obliged to provide a doctor's note to certify that had indeed succumbed to the dreaded porcine lurghi and it was fortunate that Steve "Johnny" Ball wasn't pig-headed enough to refuse a last minute call up to add a further spin option for the match versus Hamstead (make that Flamstead - but in any event certainly not Totternhoe as was originally billed on "The X Factor"). With David "Chinese" Byrne and skipper Simon "Napoleon" Williams both ready to purvey some leg-spin and with Ball adding his off-breaks there was more curl and twirl to the Colts' bowling attack than your average pig's tail. John "Norman" Cowan, David "Twice Nightly" Whiteley and Graeme "Wilbur" Sprowson made up the rest of the team.

Flamstead batted first and made a good start with some experienced openers at the top of the menu including a very smart "double run" after a Cowan overthrow went past the slightly porky wicket-keeper and 10 an over was being just about maintained with no wickets down despite a solid opening spell from Whiteley and some cunning and accurate leg-breaks from Byrne. One Flamstead opener was finally stumped playing an offal shot (sorry) and wandering down the carpet whilst the other finally made it to 25 despite pork scratching around for his last few streaky runs and using up a few extra balls to ensure that his team did not lose a crucial wicket. At this point the innings started to turn in the Colts' favour as Cowan turned on some nifty fielding for a couple of run outs and Sprowson completed a second stumping off a ripping legger from Williams who was making the pigskin turn square. It was a piggish delivery to receive and Flamstead's resolve then rested on the two bats who had made it to 25. They had several overs at the end to make a difference with the total hovering around the 100 mark but Ball found his range to bowl one and Whiteley produced a jaffa to get rid of the other and the Colts were content to turn around (bright eyes - that's one for you Bally) chasing just 110.

Sprowson and Whiteley were the "Piglet & Roo" at the top of the order for the Colts reply and they accelerated away right from the start. Flamstead elected to begin with their fielders in a "Full Court Press" as it's known in the NBA but as "Napoleon" Williams shrewdly observed it's a tactic that loses a bit in effectiveness if you keep bowling slow-medium half volleys that do nothing off the carpet. With a pork chop here and a pork cut there and the odd blow to the back bacon wall the Colts were away to a pig's might flyer as both the openers reached 25 with neither getting to hog the strike. "Johnny" Ball and Williams then got their snouts in to the trough as if it were last orders at feeding time before a trip to the abattoir and there would be no coming piggy-back for Flamstead. "Chinese" Byrne and "Norman" Cowan both made it on to court as Ball contrived to lose his wicket and Williams retired but the match was over with plenty of time to spare. We were even able to rib Redbourn in the bar afterwards.

The Colts remain handily placed at 2nd in the table behind Crabtree Dads but with a pig iron fist hiding in their velvet batting gloves.

Match report Colts v Frogmore Thurs 29 Oct

It was half term and the Colts squad was looking as depleted as an audition for "Britain's Got Talent" in Shrewsbury with key players flung across the globe as far as Mauritius and the Highlands of Scotland. Captain Simon William's dicky knee was a little less dicky this week as he declared himself fit although only marginally more mobile than Long John Silver after a night out down at the docks. The rest of the team comprised The Hedge, Sprowson G, Callender J, Smurph (wearing an Everton T-shirt dating back to the early 80's when they last won something) and a genuine colt in the spritely form of Paul Goodwin who was making his debut.

Paul's appearance had to be cunningly disguised in order to pass muster as a 30-something as his energy and athleticism slightly destroyed the plan to declare his age to the umpire as somewhere in the region of a well preserved 40. Even some last minute make-up applied in the car park including a grey wig, some deepening of the wrinkles on his face with an eye-brow pencil (don't ask how we had one to hand) and a Clive Dunn/Corporal Jones mask could not hide the fact that Paul runs half marathons for fun whereas the rest of the team eat half a Marathon (or a Snickers as they now are) as a sugar boost between innings. Still, Paul was a very handy signing as a quality replacement wicket-keeper to allow The Sprout to bowl and block the fire exit on the back wall thus contravening health and safety regulations.

Simon won the toss and elected to let his bowlers loose on a Frogmore batting line-up that resembled a Jamie Oliver cooking programme being big on enthusiasm but sadly lacking in very much quality. The Sprout was thrown the old ball and was somewhat confused by it's appearance looking as it did like half an old apple and half a
coconut macaroon that had seen better days. It was hard to know if it would seam, swing or simply disintegrate on impact. It seems an odd custom these days that we get to warm up with brand new oranges and then get given something that looks like an enlarged spleen for the match itself. The first over from "Brussels" was unmemorable but John Callender then took the first wicket in bizarre fashion before a full-blooded shot had been played in anger. The Froggy opener jabbed at one of JC's "Bruce Forsyth" balls (i.e. a largely inoffensive delivery) but missed it and the ball apologetically kissed the green base of the stumps like a cheerleader
on prom night. Several seconds later the leg bail dropped like a leaf in Autumn and the batsman was declared out while he was getting in to his stance to face the next ball. A run out or two followed shortly afterwards as the Kermits reached 55-4 off 6 overs with nobody able to deal with either Hedge's pace or Simon's demonic leggers. Several overs went by with only a handful of runs scored and the back wall resembled the Berlin Wall as nobody paid it any attention and it might as well have been knocked down for the evening. A final total of 67 all out was never going to be enough.

The Sprout then attempted to add to his chequered history of run out victims by opening up with Smurph but 50 runs were put on the board with ease before the end of the 5th over with Sprout retiring to the cage with 25 and Hedge building a patient innings at No. 3 like a shaven-headed Chris Tavare. A reasonable performance against weak opposition.

Man of the Match : "Dan" the umpire - Cheerful, happy to be there, fun-loving plus he gave Hedge an LBW.