THE COLTS V. FINAL CC : LEAGUE : 27/10/2011

In an office somewhere off Whitehall, Bond sat in a leather-bound armchair and watched Miss Moneypenny at her desk as she gently fingered his security code in to her slot. He was then called through the communicating door by “M”.

“Sit down 007. We have a crisis. Total world domination by The Colts as they leave destruction in their wake. They need to be stopped”.

“Yes of course, sir. Any clues ?”

“They’re playing tonight against Final CC in a secret location. Be careful Bond. They’re armed and at least one has a huge secret weapon”.

“So have I sir”.

Bond arrived under cover of darkness with his Aston Martin DB5 parked neatly next to Mike “Dr. Och Aye the Noo” Howard’s spanking new Audi (that also goes under water). The Colts were assembled as Bond checked them out with his spy-glasses; Prefab “Von Henry Blofeld”, Mike “Dr. The Noo” Howard, “Jaws” Callender, Simon “Drax” Williams, Peter “Oddjob” Makower and John “Nick Nack” Card. To have all of these super villains and henchmen in one place was amazing. To get to watch them carry out their evil plans in a secret, indoor location complete with submarine loading bay was almost worth making a film about.

“Blofeld” won the toss and the Colts fielded with “Oddjob” not having bowled in anger for a year and “Jaws” back from a holiday with Ursula Andress although it wasn’t clear which one of them had worn the bikini. Final CC are often reliant on Tariq as their best player but he was run out off only the second ball as a suicide mission for a single let the evil “Blofeld” collect the bouncing bomb and destroy the stumps with a maniacal laugh. How he did it holding on to a white cat was difficult to make out. “Dr. The Noo” then bowled another hapless victim leaving them shaken and stirred before “Nick” Card had the knack of picking up the next wicket thanks to a catch behind. Final were falling apart like the script from “Quantum of Solace” as another run out and a fumbled catch by “Jaws” Callender (grabbing at the ball as if it were a live grenade) left them something like 50-5. The reason for the confusion about the score is the undecipherable code that the score-sheet was written in. Bond glanced at it but gave up when it looked as though over 12 had been scored in over 7 and over 7 had in fact disappeared like a female Soviet defector in a tight uniform. The bowling figures were impossible to make out even with the help of “Q” and “Goldeneye”.

“Dr. Noo” nabbed the last bonus point with a stumping as the umpire in the cage gave the electronic gold-finger to signal the dismissal. A red flashing light at this stage suddenly seemed very appropriate.

Asked to predict the future, Solitaire could only look at the card of death and see trouble for Final as 75 all out was not likely to trouble the Colts batting unit. What wasn’t expected was a thunder-ball. “Von Blowers” (0 in 1) took strike but then had to acknowledge that he may as well have not taken his bat out with him. It was as much use as opening a poisoned umbrella in a nuclear reactor during a meltdown. Unsuspecting foreign dictators have been shot, blown up, strangled and covered in gold paint for less than delivering a perfect if gentle in-swinger that snaked between bat and pad to clip the top of the “Blowers” leg stump. Bond blinked. Did he expect “Blowers” to walk ? No Mr. Bond, but I expect you to die !! “Blowers” trudged to the cage that fortunately for him did not have a secret opening that allowed tiger sharks and piranha fish to slip in and strip his flesh from his bones in an agony of red food dye. He was stuck there for the rest of the innings not having a set of metal gnashers with which to bite his way to freedom either.

Drax (27* in 17) came in at No. 3 putting a lethal capsule of poison down his box briefs and he started slowly before unleashing a well timed 6 to the back wall. With a lazy swing Drax also moon-rakered a loose one for a maximum 8 but then came a defining moment. Another very good ball from the useful “Biles” found a thin edge but the chance went down like Pierce Brosnan on Dr. Christmas Jones. “Drax” Willo survived, in effect to live twice, and an unusual 6 leg-side wides and a cheeky “double run” ensured that the Colts were pretty much home and ready to slip in to a dry vodka martini. “Jaws” (22* in 15) managed not to meet a horrible end and “Dr. Noo” (5 in 5) was there at the end.

Bond packed his sniper scope and rifle back in to his wristwatch and had to admit that he’d been impressed by what he’d seen. For the Colts, the world truly doesn’t seem to be enough.

MoM: The team got together in the “Evil Henchmens’ Bar” after the match and wanted to give it to “Biles” for knocking over their beloved leader first cracker. “Blofeld” pressed a secret button on his chair and all of them were therefore tipped in to a vat of warm acid except for “Drax” Williams who takes it mainly for his 27*. All of the bowlers did well and have cause to be aggrieved that the score-sheet is so bad that it is impossible to work out any bowling figures.

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : LEAGUE : 20/10/11

"It's got to be-e-e-e-e--e-e perfect. It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e worth it. So many people take second best but I won't take anything less. It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e-e perfect". So sang the big nosed, big chinned lead singer from Fairground Attraction. Captain Prefab may well have warbled something similar as he drove home in the car on Thursday night as the Colts had just been as near perfect as a bunch of middle-aged, out of shape, over the hill indoor cricketers can possibly be. If indoor cricket be the food of love then there were some wives and girlfriends waiting at home who didn't know what they were in for (or maybe they did....). In this Bo Derek of a performance just about everything went right. The Bams won the toss and again asked the Colts to bat despite a heavy defeat in the Cup the week before. In fact the Bams bowling looked stronger with the return of "Jeremy" to bowl some serious wheels but the Colts batting was stronger with the return of David "Bo Diddeley" Whiteley and Mike "Bo Selecta" Howard. Completing our line up were Steve "Bo Tox" Ball, Simon "Bo Peep" Williams and Rupert "Bo Weekly" Garrett.

The first overs were sedate with no sign of the chaos to come as Bo Prefab (31 in 19) and Bo Diddeley (45* in 26) ticked over to be 49-0 from 4 overs with a few iffy runs and some poor calling having not opened together this season. It was the introduction of "Jeremy" that started things moving as an astonishingly wide wide (think Harmison but wider) saw his over go for 15. After that, the next 6 overs went for 142. That's 23 point something an over. The runs from the overs in sequence went 20,21,23,31,24,23 and the Bams are far from the worst bowling attack in this league. It was awesome striking. Bo Selecta (28* in 6: 4,3,3,5,8,5) and Bo Tox (25* in 6: 4,5,3,4,6,3) had incredible strike-rates and Bo Peep (25* in 11) chipped in as well so that Bo Weekly (10* in 5) at No.6 came in with still fully 3 overs to go. There were 4 x 8's to the back wall and whilst the score-board said 207-1 in 12 overs, the score-sheet actually adds up to 217. The only blemish was a "Bo's Up" between Prefab and Rupes that led to an easy run out. On the Blog (saddo that he is) your scribe can only find reference to a score of 189-3 also against Bamville in 2005 but the writer at that time refers to it then as our second best score ever. Have the Colts ever done "double top" before and made 200 ? Where is Benedict on Sky when you need him ?

The bowling was good too with "Weeping" Willo (2.3-0-20-3) making a strong case for MoM status. His leg breaks were fiendish and prompted him to consider writing his biography a la Graeme Swann. Unfortunately using a similar title "The Breaks are Leg" makes little sense. Bo Selecta (1-0-1-1) clean bowled the oppo skipper in one brilliant over. A word also for Rupes (3-0-27-1) who was tidy from the start and put in a fine performance of his own. Apart from a couple of tough catches whilst in "Full Court Press" mode there was little wrong in the field either. The only cheating that we did was to try and sneak in a couple of 5-ball overs just to get in the bar early.

As the young actress said to the bishop: "I don't know what that was exactly but I liked it and we're doing it again".

Can this level of performance possibly be maintained ?

MoM : Simon "Weeping Bo Peep" Williams. No disgrace with the bat and a fabulous spell with the ball including a jaffa to Jeremy.

THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : CUP : 13/10/11

It was a grisly tale of stains on the carpet as The Colts strolled by Bamville in the Cup at the Downton Choice Abbey. No doubt the downstairs maid would have had her work cut out with a scrubbing brush and a pail of cold water from the outside privy tap as John "Playing" Card left puddles of blood from several lower bits of himself on the second floor drawing room carpet whilst Lord Prefab honked up gobbets of high intestine in to the corner by the bookcase with the walnut inlay as he strove to fight off the ravages of man 'flu and gout.

Bamville had left a polite calling note suggesting that they might drop by for crumpet and tea and Stephen "Billiard" Ball, Tim "Mrs. Bridges" Spencer, Andrew "The Backstairs Maid" Hedges and Simon "Mister Bates" Williams were ready with a warm welcome and the best silver. His Lordship (49* in 28) took a deep puff and walloped his first ball for 6 as if he'd found his valet stroking his fob-chain but The Bams (sans "Jeremy") bowled well early on with a new lemon and "Wedd" bowled some fine outswingers. "Mrs. Bridges" (15 in 9) started well but walked around a straight one and "The Hedge" (8 in 5) was eccentrically given out LBW by an umpire most had not met before.

At 42-4 in 4 overs it was time for "Playing" (6 in 6) to come in and knock it around the candelabra like we know he can but our resident "JC" fell for the oldest trick in the book by not lining up on the right line (white) and by the time the fire had taken in the old range cooker and the kettle was on the hob, JC found himself stranded and innocuously run out. "Billiard" was then done like a kipper with another avoidable run out and it was time to send out for "Mister Bates" to calm the whole situation down.

Having laid out his Lordship's starched collars, wing studs and black tails, Simon (32* in 17) batted like a dream landing two 8's with one of them barely missing the ornamental "10" on the mantelshelf in the Chinese room. With dignity of spirit, noble in posture and a determined profile, "Mister Bates" was a silk kerchief in the fraught proceedings...if only it hadn't been needed by his Lordship to mop an extremely sweaty brow as well as hawking up speckets of lung. As someone from the village remarked "If his Lordship gets any more red they'll have to bleed 'im wi' leeches".

From a working class 97-4 in 8 we rallied as only blue bloods can to an aristocratic par score of 149-4 with his Lordship unable to take one last nip out of his hip flask to fall just short of a sickly but valuable half century. He was grateful to just walk off unaided but did contemplate taking his old service revolver and a stiff glass of brandy in to the library and locking the door if things had got any worse.

After the long break for adverts including at least three for different firms of "Lawyers 4 U" it was a bit of the same old story from series 1. The opening Bam tried to smash Spence (2-0-15-1) and was caught and bowled off the wall at the third attempt whilst another was run out wandering from his crease. This left their skipper "Peck" (29 in 24) with a huge amount to do and he was not helped by the excitable "Ani" (9 in 9) who unbelievably did not make double figures but was not dismissed without pay (and with no option on a third series) until the 8th over.

"Billiard" (2-0-17-1) was miserly with the key to the drinks cabinet as we know he can be but he nabbed a wicket with another Spence fumbled catch. "JC" (2-0-17-2) was the ace in the hole, on the persian rug in front of the fire with the Turkish ambasssador inspecting his secret passage as he mutton-chopped his way to a 2-fer with a caught and bowled (held first time, Spence) and a clean bowled.

His Lordship now had the complexion of an early morning tureen of devilled kidneys and the hunting party not even assembled down by the lodge. All was done and several times dusted as the Bams took the charabanc back from whence they came being all out for 73 in the 9th over having not come to terms with the installation of the electric telephone or the Colts' excellent performance on the night.

In the drawing room the lady of the house stroked her pussy and drew the semi-finals. The cads from Redbourn and the Colts were kept apart like families at a wedding as our duel was possibly postponed until Finals Night. The Colts have a full Final CC in our Semi-Final.

Next is Bamville but in the League.

MoM : Easy to be accused of bias but in genuinely batting better than he looked even if he then dropped a sitter off Willo - His Lordship remains in charge and gives the nod to himself for 49* and a glove in 2 run outs. Good show, what.

COLTS "BALL-GATE" SHOCK HORROR.....

Stephen Ball was mis-translated in an interview that contributed to him being suspended by The Colts, claims his adviser David Whiteley. The all-rounder was in danger of being banned for two weeks after allegedly refusing to accept the Captain’s view of an incident in the Redbourn derby encounter. After the match a club translator quoted Ball as saying: "I didn't feel right to play so I didn't" but insisted that "the interpretation was incorrect". Ball does speak English but his English his not good enough to host a full-blown interview. Ball met Colts' officials as part of an investigation into the incident.

Ball blamed "confusion in the bar" for the "misunderstanding" and felt there was no reason why he should apologise to his skipper. "I listened to the questions in English and the interpretations were then misinterpreted".

Whiteley said: "The assumption is that Stephen refused to buy a round. Let's hope it is clarified in the next few days - one way or the other - because it's damaging to the Colts, to their talented squad and to Stephen Ball”.

"A lot of things were said but there are not too many options for him if things are proved to be correct. It's a shame because we don't want top players to leave the club but if it's borne out that the things suggested are correct, it will be very hard to see any other outcome."

However, Whiteley believes Ball has always acted professionally and is keen to play more indoor cricket. "You can criticise Stephen for anything but one thing you can't criticise him for is his commitment when he's on the pitch and you can never criticise him for not wanting to play" Whiteley added. "There have been several times at Colts throughout his career where he is taking injections, playing with swollen ankles, where he has played in situations when maybe even doctors have told him not to play. You have to remember Stephen joined the Colts when he had an official offer from Crabtree Dads and Final CC on the table. He was one of the first players to join the Colts' new vision. It's a great vision and Stephen was brought in to help start that vision. So he feels very differently towards the club, he has a very intense feeling".

THE COLTS V. REDBOURN : LEAGUE : 5/10/11

Like the character in “Cool Runnings” (Feel da Riddim), Mike “The Caber” Howard was heard to say on arrival at the Choice Cricket Arena : “I am feeling very Olympic today”. And Olympic he certainly was as he put in a multiple gold medal performance whilst flicking a two-fingered “Harvey Smith” at his skipper for the offence taken at not winning a Man of the Match award last week. “The Caber” was immense in the triple-jump of batting (40* in 22 balls), bowling (2-0-15-1) and an awesome fielding display (2 catches; one brilliant and a run out) that seriously impressed the Russian judge. On the podium a spirited Redbourn were left to take silver as the Colts took the laurels and the kisses from the hot flower girls defending a par total of 137-4 to dismiss the Red Machine for 80 all out.

The Hedge had already announced that the 9pm start virtually made this game in to a “Night/Dayer” but the return of Capt. “Hammer” Prefab along with David “Hemery” Whiteley, Steve “Ping Pong” Ball and Tim “Javelin” Spencer made it a strong Colts side. Bally had even threatened to wear his new lycra, all-in-one, body-hugging swimsuit in which not only could he smuggle a budgie but also a parrot, two bulls, a cock and as many hares as he likes. With a lost toss the Colts were asked to their marks and to bat first with the Red Machine clearly concerned about coming up against our bowling attack.

“Caber” and “Hemery” (35* in 25) started well but against tight bowling from “Wiley” (3-0-26-0) who seems to improve with age like stilton or Sir Steve Redgrave. Only 5 came from his first over and “Boz” was equally miserly as the batting struggled to cope with the qualifying times. Having got boxed in on the bend at 27 from 4 overs, the score started to creep up towards 10 an over as both openers got themselves retired but “Javelin” (3 in 3) dropped the baton halfway down the track to be well stumped and “Hammer” (12 in 7) started well but ended up like Paul Radcliffe, caught with his pants down, as he tried to pinch a tough single to the off-spinner “Nigel”. This left “Ping Pong” (28 in 11) to get 100 on the board before he was caught in the nets having pulled out of a triple-tuck dive with half-pike roll and the openers had to come back in to scrape together as many as they could. “Caber” hit the bull on the back wall with a straight 8 in the last over from “Wiley” and a couple of possibly harsh umpiring calls left us short of 140 at 137-4.

There was confusion at the change-over as the skip was heard to ask Tim Spencer if he could see his “snatch” but when the subject turned out to be weight-lifting all was forgiven. Redbourn sent their most effective pair in first with “Nigel” (29 in 14) the danger man if he was able to clear the opening height. At this point “Caber” came alive like Allan Wells in the 100m, Moscow 1980, when he beat Leonard of Cuba to take gold in a race where precisely nobody on the planet remembers any of the other runners. As if the catch off his own bowling wasn’t miraculous enough (diving, one-handed and taken off the wall) then he followed up with a back-flick, direct hit run out and another sharp take to dismiss the dangerous “Nigel” from a “Ping Pong” looper. Capt. “Hammer” made like a bob-sledder and slid down the leg-side to snaffle a stumping from his opposite number and this left “Wiley” like Eric “The Eel” Moussambani as the only swimmer in the pool. It took one delivery from “Javelin” who made like Zola Budd as he shoved one through the “Wiley” defences to take the leg peg. Clutch that.

A vital win against our strongest rivals. It was like Coe v. Ovett but without the willowy limbs, pigeon chests and “118-118” GB vests. We got 13 points including bonuses and The Reds ended up with Fanny Blankers-two.

MoM : Mike “Wyndham Halswelle” Howard for a “Nadia” (perfect 10).

(NB : Wyndham Halswelle. Scotland’s most controversial gold. Halswelle, a lieutenant in the Highland Light Infantry and veteran of the Boer War, ran in the 400m final at Shepherds Bush in 1908, but was repeatedly blocked by his three American opponents. Officials disqualified the ‘winner’ JC Carpenter, and ordered a re-run using, for the first time, strings to divide the lanes. All hell broke loose between US officials and their British counterparts, and it was half an hour before the track was cleared. The two remaining Americans, William Robbins and John Taylor, then refused to run, and Halswelle strode round on his own to take gold in a time of 50 seconds. He was so disgusted that he gave up athletics, but was killed fighting in France during the first World War. He remains the only British man to have a gold, silver and bronze in individual Olympic events).

COLTS PRODUCE SOMETHING SOLID WHEN IT MATTERS...

Big up to the two stand-in captains David "Grasshopper" Whiteley and Steve "Object" Ball as they sat on the bowl of destiny and strained hard to produce the goods whilst Chief Oberleutnant Von Prefab took himself off to a conference in Dublin to listen to a lot of dull men talking about heavy machinery.

Frantic text messages were enough to confirm a whopping win against Flamstead (194 in 12 overs - really - ??!!) on the Tuesday but a tenser squeeze by Frogmore on Thursday. Captain Prefab had avoided "Doing an Arsene" by splashing the Colts' cash in pre-season but nobody could have predicted quite how well our new signings would turn out. Rupert "Pat" Garrett, John "The Business" Card, James "Ty" Cobb and Rob "L" Hubbard all did superbly well with bat, ball and even gloves (some of it theirs and some of it begged, borrowed or stolen).

With the regular skipper unable to make much sense of the scorecards (which read a little like the Dead Sea Scrolls) evidence has been established using methods seen on old black-and-white "Baz & Nige" episodes of Sherlock Holmes to see that the Colts 194 was far too much for Flamstead (101 all out and we'll take the bonus points - thanks) whilst the Frogs' 124-3 (or 4) was a teasing little total especially when we were 71-2 off 7 but Bally (26* in 6 balls - really - ??) and The Card (19* in 6 we think) saw us home. In the Flams match Mike Howard (61) played like only a homicidal maniac with a claymore and a kilt can whilst Bally tonked 47 and had 4 "w"'s up his bowling column although some of these might have been run outs.

MoM's : This is tricky as I wasn't even there and my judgement has been clouded by 3 nights on the Black Stuff. Bally was insistent that John Card ("JC3") be given the Frogmore match for getting us home despite a superb effort from "Ty" Cobb with the gauntlets. If Bally doesn't get the award for skippering on Thursday then I feel somewhat duty bound to give him the nod for Tuesday despite Mikey H's efforts (plus Mike jointly held player of the year last season so he now knows that the bar is set a little bit higher for him and 61 out of 194 with 70 coming off the last 4 overs isn't enough to impress us anymore).

Frogmore : Bally for 47 in 16 balls and a 3-0-18-4 (incl. run outs)
Flamstead : John Card for 19* in 6 balls on deyboo)

Now for Redbourn....

Please note and tick y/n for match details for our Cup Quarter Final v. Bamville on Thurs. 13 October 2011 at 9pm.