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CURRIED AGM MINUTES.....

Beer, curry and the AGM were partaken on Friday, 4 January 2013 but alas with no Simon “While my Guitar Gently” Williams whilst Our Lord JC was not present (possibly crucified). The Timmy Spence Cab Co. was a regrettable late withdrawal for having to take his son south of the river late at night. Many thanks to all who came.

AGM:-

i) Captain's Report: Beat almost everyone (one loss in the league). Retained league title. Recovered the Cup. Double. Tidy. Double tidy in fact.

ii) Most Worthy Opponents: Final CC who ran us close in the last 2 games of the season with everything up for grabs. League decider was “epic”.

iii) Election of Officers: Capt. Prefab kind of drunkenly re-elected on the street outside the curry house. To be discussed...

iv) Award: Captain's Player of the Year 2012: Steve.dot.Ball.
v) Award: Player of the Year 2012: Mike “By a Golden Mile” Howard.

Other Awards:-

i) The Brian Cant Award for Most Bricks out of Pram: A toss-up between both factions of the great Rupert Garrett incident v. Redbourn (League). It made David Haye v. Derek Chisora look like a meeting of Quakers.

ii) The Charles Dickens Award for a Great Loss to Literature: Rupert Garrett’s un-sent e-mail the morning after the Redbourn match.

iii) Catch of the Year: Mike Howard v. Final CC (Tariq – one-handed, off the wall) (League).

iv) Shot of the Year: Mike “The Umpire Killer” Howard v. Final CC (League).  
v) The International Player Still Most Likely to Feature in a Colts Quiz: VVS Laxman.

vi) The Yorkshire Tourist Board and Tetley Tea Tankard for Colts Tour still to get off the Drawing Board: David Byrne.

vii) The Hugh Hefner Award (sponsored by the women of Greater Hertfordshire): Peter “Casanova” Makower.  

viii) The Pierre Cardin Cardigan for Non Sourcing of New Playing Shirts: Capt. G. Spot von Run Out.
ix) The Chard/Bromhead Award for Cowardice in the Face of the Enemy: Andrew “the Mole” Hedges for chipping a fingernail (Bamville - League).

x) The Bradley Wiggins/Just for Men Award for Services to Mod Hair Styling: JC3. 
xi) The Aerobics Oz Style Award for Body Language: David Whiteley on being given run out by JC3 (Frogmore - League).

xii) The Rob Bryden “Small Man in a Box” Award: JC3 for giving David Whiteley run out from the safety of the cage (Frogmore - League).

xiii) The Schweppes Award for Most Inappropriate Male Drink by a Scot at a Social Gathering: Mike “Bitter Lemon” Howard.

xiv) The BBC Special Recognition for Most People Dismissed in a Season: Capt. G. Spot Prefab (Yes/Wait/No).

xv) The “Top Gear” Trophy for ditching a car (presented by The Stig): The Hedge

xvi) The “I Wish I Could Fly” Moment of the Year Award (sponsored by the NBA): Simon “Too Tall” Williams and his slam dunk (Final CC– League).

Capt. G. Spot

9/1/13

THE COLTS V FINAL CC : CUP FINAL : 13/10/12

And so it was, a group of magi led by Captain Prefab von “Balthazar” from the East and with him David “Cherub” Whiteley from the frozen North, Mike “Frankincense” Howard from the even farther frozen North, Rupert “Melchior” Garrett, Simon “Gabriel” Williams and Steve “Donkey” Ball. They sought a village, a stable, a child and the Choice Indoor Cricket “Double of Champions”. The only thing standing in our way were the Herods of Final CC, a formidable band of brothers whom we had only recently clashed with in the league decider. If we won, SPoTY wasn’t out of the question.

As the teams greeted each other from afar, cattle could be heard lowing in the back passage and some form of irritating archangel kept flitting around barking on about inheriting the Earth and all that was in it. We were only there for the silver plasticware, our legendary status and a pint of lager top. We were without a few key players including The Hedge who was somewhere wrapped in swaddling clothes and Peter Makower, anxiously awaiting the birth of his new hip replacement. JC was omnipresent (isn’t he always) and JC3 was monitoring progress on Bethlehem 95.8FM.

Final won the toss and dived straight in to the hay by electing to bowl first and thus reverse the order of the previous match by asking us to set a target rather than chase one. That suited us like a bowlful of honey parsnips on a Christmas lunchtime. As “Balthazar” would have batted anyway, the battle lines were drawn and no amount of farmyard animals, golden stars, strange, rotund, bearded gentlemen with huge sacks and a bunch of flea bitten reindeer were going to stop us. “Cherub” (3 in 6) was an unlucky run out victim early (no stocking for him) but “Frank” (34* in 23) and “Gabriel” (32 in 19) were frankin-immense. They cruised to 70-odd before “Frank” had to retire in the 7th over and we were well on the way to an excellent score. “Gabriel” in particular was a delight to watch with paddles, sweeps and nudges in to corners of the barn not often investigated by most other players. Easy singles were being taken and 3-a-ball plus 31 extras were getting us there. Mind you “Gabriel” has been playing the indoor game since time began. “Balthazar” (12* in 9) scraped his way to double figures but “Donkey” was out to a brilliant catch by “Paul” and “Melchior” (8 in 5) clouted the only “6” of the match before perishing to a caught and bowled off the roof. 105 in 11 wasn’t bad as a Terry’s chocolate orange goes but a crucial last over from “Arif” (.,3,3,2,5,2) went for 15 and this got us up with the angels to a very competitive 120-4. Oh Lord, we’d have taken that on the road to Damascus. The Morecambe & Wise Christmas Special was within touching distance.

The next stage of the match was cagey. The Queen may not even mention it in her speech but she did notice that it reminded her a little of Boycott and Brearley in the 1979 World Cup Final. “Paul” (20 in 19) and “Rod” (26 in 20) put on 67 for the first wicket but it had taken them in to the 8th over to do it. Once “Paul” was run out (unfortunate) it put the rest under great pressure coming in and having to get on with it. Un-Colts-like we were conceding plenty of extras (43 in the end – we must have been on the sherry !!) but it seemed that Final had left it too late. Like the “Eastenders” Christmas omnibus edition, it all happened right at the end. Bally nabbed an LBW (close perhaps but out) and gave it the “quadruple-Channon” to the crowd. “Cherub” took the bauble and took a catch whilst “Balthazar” (miracle of miracles) actually took a ball behind the stumps and nabbed “Tariq” for a Christmas goose. All of a sudden 67-0 had become 84-4 but, strangely, with the game so nearly won, Final actually sneaked ahead in the 11^th over as their 107-5 pipped our 105-4. It was a big ask for “Kevin” (14 in 9) and it proved too much although 10 to win off 4 balls was by no means impossible with the back wall as naked of cover as Grandma after she’s been on the advocaat.

We had done it. Joy to the world, peace to all men and why can you never find a Redbourn shepherd when you need one ?

A warm glow spread over the skip although that may have been a combination of the cold and an unreliable bladder.   

MOM : Simon “Gabriel” Williams (32 in 19) for reminding us all what a sensible, well played and beautifully paced indoor innings can look like.                     

Curried AGM : Look out for dates. It will also be Awards night, a ladies’ “excuse me” in “Billy’s” and Simon Williams’ guitar recital of his full of length experimental version of the Wisden Cricketers Almanac in E flat major.

THE COLTS V.FINAL CC : LEAGUE DECIDER : 4/12/12

Bally had too much time on his hands. Riffing through his CD collection he came upon “Frankie Goes to Hollywood” (a bunch of largely scouse poofs in black leather but hey, we’re not judging) and as the teams warmed up, the bass intro of “Two Tribes” thundered across the arena. There was even a small crowd minus the obligatory pooch. This was big news. The last Colts league game of the season and everything up for grabs. Final are the most improved side on the circuit and were handily placed to dethrone us but the papers were reporting a quiet confidence from the Colts camp. We’d even considered getting our new damson coloured playing shirts out (borrowed from Team England Rugby). 

For the record, the men facing history were: Skip Prefab Von Run Out, David “Tyke” Whiteley, Simon “Michael Jordan” Williams (he leaps, he soars), Mike “Class Act” Howard, Rupes “That’ll be a pound” Garrett and The Hedge. Mako, JC and JC3 were there in spirit as were many others. 

God it was tense. It was as tense as NATO nuclear disarmament negotiations conducted inside a tent. That’s how tense it was. It was tense like Jagger. Tense like Glastonbury. Tense like inside The Duchess of Cambridge’s uterus. It was that tense. Did I mention the tension ? It was beyond comprehension. Final sprang a surprise by winning the toss and deciding to bat. “I knew that we’d bowl” sniffed Hedge. When asked if he knew what the result was going to be Hedge said “Yes....but I’m not going to tell you”. Would he be right ? 

Hell we were good. When rheumy eyed old men scratch their codlings by the fire and stretch their various joint replacements at some distant point in the future, they will talk of how good the Colts were in the field. We were legends of awesomeness. We took hold of it, slapped it about a bit, stacked it and then smothered it in golden syrup before having it with bacon and a cup of coffee. Our seamers bowled like a dream and a particularly sexy dream at that. Mike (3-0-19-1) knocked over Paul (7 in 8), their decent opener and followed that up with a screamer of a catch to get rid of Tariq (7 in 7). He was also involved in one of our three run outs. Hedge (3-0-19-0) was as mean as Pacino in “Scarface” but with a visage containing the innocence of a newborn child. He was vocal from backward point as well. Apparently Rupes was “epic” (word of the day toilet-paper coming in handy). Rupes (3-0-19-1), he of the lengthy warm up and creaking arm, made the ball weave in the middle overs meaning that Nick (28 in 22) was kept pretty tied down. “Tyke” (3-0-27-1) was like a Yorkshireman with a spare brass farthing, not giving anything away if he could help it. You’d have to prize this match out of his cold lambing hands. The Colts were fighting for the inches and the breaks were coming for us. Hedge dropped a chance but the next ball we had a run out. Skip gloved a stumping chance and was momentarily confused when the umpire in the cage shook his head but then pressed the red button.    

At halfway Final were 40-3 and knew they were in a match. Have you ever seen a bunch of strapped up, middle aged geezers swarm ? Well, The Colts swarmed on this night. The blood was up and with minimal motivation required we flew in to the match. No runs were coming except for side wall singles. Nick decided that “Tyke” had to go. He hit a dream of a lofted straight drive. Would it be 8 or even a max 10 ? The crowd drew breath. But hang on.....is that his Royal “Airness” I see complete with Jordan Nike pumps, tongue flapping in the breeze and just about to block the attempt crying “Allez Oop” like a banshee ? Well, sort of, yes. This was what it was to be a Colt last night. The very essence of being a complete and utter Colt. The impossible made to seem ordinary and commonplace. Simon Williams, leaping like a flea just bitten by another flea whilst standing on a Mexican jumping bean. He’ll never reach it. Reach it ? He very nearly bloody caught it. A minimum 6 runs saved. Massive. Vital. 84 all out in 11.3 overs. 7 an over to win. Not huge in indoor terms but only half a job done. 

Hedge was succinct. “If you think that’s the match won then you’re facking nuts. We ain’t there yet. Long way to go”. So wise; so young, they say. 

It was tense (oh please for the love of God get a move on – we get it – Ed.). Skip Prefab thought his heart condition was coming on. He was popping tabs. “Tyke” may have had IBS. Rupes was jittery. Bally was mumbling to himself. Simon was patching up his pads. We needed a good start and we got one. 35-0 in 3 and going well. Over 3 went for 14, the most in the whole match and that was off Tariq’s twirlers. Skip (13 in 13) had been dropped from his very first ball. Another inch. Then it went pear. Or possibly melon. A bad call (not exactly a novelty) and the skip sold “Tyke” (17 in 13) down the Humber. Yorkshire (with some soft Southern vowels) oaths filled the air. As so often this season, another wicket followed shortly afterwards as Skip steered his guilt in to the hands of gully. Shades of Redbourn (also coincidentally the title of Simon Williams’ new album of experimental guitar pieces).

It was time for a class act. Mike (25* in 23) controlled the game with a well paced and crucial innings. He even had the patience to play out an almost unheard of indoor maiden. We were 50-2 at the half and ahead on anyone’s card but those last 36 runs needed scoring. Simon (6 in 7) popped one up and Final sniffed something. It may have been Skip Prefab sitting up in the bleachers, powerless but endlessly flatulent. Sage old Bally muttered “That was a crucial partnership”. Nick to Mike; smash. The ball came back hard at the bowler. Too hard. Like the Times crossword. Nick got his hands up but hardly stopped the momentum of the ball as it headed for a huge 8. A massive moment in the game. Incredibly, the umpire had not been able to duck and the ball smacked in to his cranium before diverting away to safety. Had it rebounded to a fielder Mike would have been caught. Another inch. When their turns came (after Mike retired) both Hedge (4* in 8) and Rupes (3* in 4) showed great sense in picking off the remaining few. Over 10 went for 11 runs but in the 6 overs before that we had scored just 30. An unexpected Tariq leg-side wide and another from Nick helped and we needed 10 from the last 2 overs. A final over wide from Arif and the league title was again ours. 

There was no riotous cheering (yep, we’re that popular). This was a hard won and hard fought title from the loss to Redbourn to eking out the final win against Final who are now very much a team to be reckoned with. It was a match that deserved it’s own DVD. Not the exciting classic of the Cup semi-final loss of last year but a nerve-shredding, chest tightening, nose bleeding, headache inducing test of character. 

Well done boys, Harpenden salutes and is proud of every squad member. This was a tough one.  

MoM : Big matches need big players and vice versa. Like Lionel Messi on a sugar high and the boobs of that blonde bint from “I’m a Celebrity”, Mike Howard was all over the place last night. 25*, 1-19, a great catch and a run out.

THE COLTS V.ST.JOHN FISHER : LEAGUE : 28/11/12

Here starteth the lesson. “Bishop” (male) Prefab had his flock round him at the Church of the Holy Choice as he led his team in prayer. There was “Archdeacon” Hedge with a small chorister nestling under his cassock, Peter “Communion” Makower, Steve “Organ” Ball, David “Boy Soprano” Whiteley, and JC was, well JC was JC. He always is isn’t he ? And he moves in mysterious ways.

The opponents were St. John of the Fishermen and there was no need for talk of loaves and feeding the five thousand before the game although it was a bit concerning that it took four Colts to work out which way round the “Archdeacon’s” pads went on. As a biblical flood continued to rage outside and a plague of locusts filled the air, “Bishop” won the toss and batted after looking at his wristband that says “WWJD” (stands for “What Would Jedward Do ?”). The genesis of a good innings began with 44-0 off 4 and “Bish” (32* in 15) retired despite being dropped off a caught and bowled when his dismissal may have led to a very interesting match indeed. Still, there was no sign of an apple, serpent or fig-leaf at this stage until the usual Colts collapse when we made a right wedding in Cana of the middle overs. “Boy Soprano” (23 in 20) was LBW to the fickle finger of fudge (it was doing just enough) whilst “Communion” (6 in 6) whined about his run out and the “Archdeacon” (1 in 2) lobbed a full toss up in to the netting and got crucified as he came off. 71-3 off 8 required divine intervention and when the world is against you and you need a man to walk on water, it is helpful to be able to call on your own resident JC (17 in 18) to bless this house. “Organ” (15 in 11) tickled a few and blocked a few and when the “Bish” came back in we had managed 25 from the last two overs to set a fair target of 111. Nothing special mind you. The Colts were still just about singing from the same song sheet but the collection plate looked a bit on the empty side. Had we made a hassock of the holy thing ?               

As for most of the season, when we needed something with the orb, we got it. “Archdeacon” (2-0-8-1) bowled with reverence including an absolute jaffa to clip the top of middle peg. “Organ” (3-0-11-3) is probably due to be beatified for a number of absolute beauties in his spell with all three batsmen clean bowled as the ball whistled through like the Holy Ghost up a nun’s nightdress (your scribe is going straight to Hell for this match report). At 30-4 in 6 the match was done as The Fish succumbed to Satan and all his little wizards. They

made the mistake of simply “trying not to get out” rather than trying to score the runs. Anil (17 in 17) probably should have opened and was convincingly the best Fisher on show as he added a few in a last disciple stand. “Communion” (3-0-21-2) took the other wickets as we also let through a disappointing 27 extras including 22 in wides.

The Colts weren’t evil. We weren’t even atheist or agnostic. We didn’t vote against female bishops nor did we trespass in the house of laity nor against those that trespass against us (regularly). We were just a bit hollow rather than hallowed. Maybe the big games coming up against Final were on our minds.

MoM : His kingdom come and his will be done. He’s also not averse to a bit of daily bread. The power and the Bally for his 3-fer.         

COLTS V. FROGMORE : CUP SEMI FINAL : 15/11/12

The Led Zepp theme tune to “Top of the Pops” blasted out across the PA system as the Captain (and Tenille) “Kid Diddy” Prefab tossed up dressed in a white cricket shirt with huge pointed collars, a tank-top, flared trousers, a Dr. Who scarf and strange T-Rex mascara. He called “Talking Heads”. It was “Tails”. The winner takes it all. It was a motley crew of beastie boys who made up the team :  “Kid Diddy”, Dave “Lee” Whiteley, Andrew “The Hairless Cornflake” Hedges, Mike “Fluff” Howard, John “Nicey” Card and Peter “Our Tune” Makower (ever popular with the ladies).

Before the game there had been a remarkable team meeting where every possible scenario of toss, batting line up and God knows what else was discussed. As a guitar gently weeped in the corner, “Kid Diddy” was told to naff off and get the match started by opening the batting with “Lee”. It was a masterpiece. After 5 overs we were ride on time and there must have been an angel somewhere as we were 60-0 with “Kid Diddy” (25 in 14) and “Lee” (31 in 20) both climbing the charts like a boy band with new haircuts. “Fluff” (28 in 11) took it on but the revelation was “Our Tune” (28 in 10). It was remarkable not least because with his killer looks and general irresistibleness, Pete was fighting off Pan’s People, Legs & Co. and the Goombay Dance Band for most of it. Over 9 was a great illustration as “Mick” went for a big 20 (dot,5,3,3,3,6) and “Cornflake” (12 in 7) and “Fluff” both Tatu’d (did you see what I did there ?) the back wall by some terrific clouting with their rhythm sticks. In fact, we only made a blancmange of the final over where we managed to lose 3 nutty boy run outs in a moment of madness but 159-5 (all run out) was Whitney Houston perfect (i.e. an exceptional performance until it went completely deranged at the end). The drugs can work. The only embarrassment was “Our Tune” pumping out his own version of “We don’t have to take our pads off (to have a good time)” in the last seconds.

The Frog Chorus crossed the white line (something like a phenomenon) and after an early run out they took it to 60-1 off 5 and were well on course. This narked “Lee” who decided to body rock their opener with a cheeky little shoulder charge. This caused a falling out like that of Simon and Garfunkel’s when they disagreed over the title of “Tunnel Under Contented Water”. Punches were nearly thrown. Lights nearly went out and walls almost came tumbling down. Further confusion reigned when the umpire intervened to suggest that fielding the ball in the restricted zone was girls not allowed. Oh Vienna. “Our Tune” (3-0-23-2) was having a thriller as the Frogs tumbled to 78-5 and the match was won. “Kid Diddy” mind you was having a Jocky Wilson said of an evening where it would have been nice if he’d taken at least one behind the stumps just for the novelty value. “Everything I do, I do it for you” he wailed in a vain attempt to protect his position as captain of their hearts. It was safe to say there was no chance of him walking off to “The Reflex” at the end.

So, it’s all to play for. St. John Fisher and then double Final including the final against Final. You’d be Jimmy Savile to miss it.

MoM: It’s not even close. Like the old, tall, bald, thin Duke that he is, Pete “Our Tune” Makower (28 & 2-23) rocked it.                               

THE COLTS V. VOCALINK : LEAGUE : 13/11/12

(A Colt-ian Rhapsody)

Is this the real life ?
Is this just fantasy (cricket) ?
Caught down the leg-side (Bally – how ?)

No escape from reality.

Open your eyes
And stop bowling pies you see.
I'm just the poor skip, I get no sympathy
Because I'm "Easy run, easy go"
Simon’s out, Simon’s low
Any way the Colts win, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Mikey, just ran you out
Made a call but made it wrong
Umpire’s triggered, now he's gone.

Mikey, my knock  had just begun
But have we gone and thrown it all away ?
Mikey, Ooohh-ooooh

Didn't mean to run you out
If I’m not back again to play v. Final (CC)
Carry on, carry on, as nothing really matters.

Too late, our time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Knees are aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mikey, Ooohh-ooooh –

I don't wanna die
I sometimes wish I'd never been picked at all. 

I see a little silhouett-o of a man
Is it Dave ? Must be Dave. Will he do the Fandango ?
Rupert bowls like lightning , very very frightening me ?

Bally-leo, Bally-leo

Bally-leo, Figaro - Magnifico!

I'm just the poor skip, nobody loves me
(He's just the poor skip from a poor family
Spare him his life, he’s a monstrosity).
Easy run, easy go – always calling “No !” (eventually)
Bismillah! Wait I I’m always calling No – calling No !
Bismillah! Wait ! I’m always calling No – calling No !

No, no, no, no, no, no, no !

Oh Mikey Howard, Mikey Howard, Mikey Howard ! Let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me ! For me ! For me!

So you think you can stop us with a few games to go ?

So you think you can field but you just overthrow

Oh baby - can't do this to us, baby
Just gotta run out -- just gotta run right outta here

The Double really matters
Anyone can see
The Double really matters
The Double really matters to me.

Any way the wind blows...

(cymbal crash)

(MOM sleeve notes : They only had 5 men and made 82 all out and we chased it down on 83-3. Rupes (3-0-13-1) was on fire but it’s going to David Whiteley (3-0-19-1 and 27* in 14).