A long time ago, in a Dairy Milk far, far away…it is a period of uncivil war. Rebel Colts, striking from a hidden base, have won consecutive victories against evil foes in the Vets division of the Outer Rim Indoor Cricket league. The last bastion with an unbeaten record were Flamstead who we had beaten well in the Intergalactic Cup the week before. Captain “Flash – Aha – He’ll Save Every One of Us” Prefab had his team in hyper-drive and at warp speed as they took one further giant leap towards a cosmic “Double”. Along for the trek were David “R2D2” Whiteley, Andrew “Ming the Merciless” Hedges, Mike “Captain, I Cannae Hold Her - She’s Gonna Blow” Howard, Stephen “Uranus” Ball and Simon “Bones” Williams. All we needed were some dilithium crystals and remember that this was a group that had done the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsepts (whatever the Hell that means).
With phasers set to stun the crowd, Captain “Flash” showed stern, Kirk-ish leadership ability by telling his team that his intention was to sweep the local atmosphere for impurities (Redbourn spies) and then bowl. One by one each member of the crew showed mutinous tendencies by saying that we should bat. “Flash” bottled it like a Vulcan drinking vodka shots and agreed to bat despite a recent personal record that would make a Wookie blush (if you could tell). “Flash” (37* in 19) actually did OK after whopping out his light sabre but he was perilously close to being run out in the second over as Mr. Spock in the commentary booth called the decision at the non-striker’s end “illogical”. “R2D2” (13 in 13) was struggling to get going after a good run of form and he fell to a soft catch after driving a straight 6. “Scotty” Howard (44* in 20) was hot like a nova and he set pulses racing before retiring to leave “Bones” (15 in 7), “Ming” (13 in 4) and “Uranus” (8 in 2) to take aim at the back wall like shooting wamp-rats in the swamp back home. “Ming” jabba’d one asteroid over Saturn’s outer rings for an 8 using his new improved Bradbury-blaster before admitting afterwards that “I didn’t really get hold of it”. The Colts are peerless in this form of the game at accelerating and 61-1 after 6 overs was followed by taking 88 from the last 6 to post an imposing 149-4. Like the Death Star on a Saturday night this was enough to frighten anyone especially with the Imperial Guard loosening up to bowl.
Flamstead’s innings was the perfect example of the Colts’ potency in this form of the game. Putting away his sonic screw-driver, Captain “Flash” threw the ball to his opening daleks to “exterminate” the Flamstead top order. Before you could say “Saucy, young, ginger minx side-kick who Bally may fancy” it was 15-4 and the match was over. “Scotty” (3-0-11-2) warped one opener third ball and the next two followed with catches to the ‘keeper, one easy and one decent (like space vixen sisters) whilst the fourth was caught by “R2D2” at the wall. The batsmen’s totals at this stage were 0,0,5,2 which coincidentally is the dialling code for Pluto. “Ming” (33-0-18-1) also had a decent figure like Princess Leia in the gold bikini. The Colts’ total by this stage was “to Infinity and Beyond” for Flamstead and it was left to “Mark” (26* in 27) and skipper “Graham” (26* in 18) to fend off the remaining overs. Well, when I say fend off, that would be doing the “Uranus” second over a major injustice. By the wrath of Khan, skipper “Graham” decided that someone was going to pay for the blowing up of his entire planet and “Uranus” was the bowler of choice. It was as if the back wall had a tractor beam as the asteroid was fizzed back with interest. Of course this can happen to any spinner on any given day but you have to be careful if you then decide to whizz back a photon torpedo in the general direction of the batsman at the end of the over. It wasn’t as if “Graham” was even wearing a tactical re-con battle helmet and he watched “Uranus” behave very Un-Obi-Wan-Kenobi-like by throwing his space-bricks out of the starship. An inter-galactic incident was avoided with the usual diplomacy from “Flash”. Flamstead hit the end credits at 83-4 preventing a few bonus points but if they thought it was all yoda……it very nearly is now.
MoM: Captain “Flash” moonraked his way in to contention but “Scotty” Howard moonwalked the decision with 44* and 3-0-11-2.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : PART 1 - CUP SEMI-FINAL : 18/11/10
The Colts went to the pub with Flamstead last night for a good old fashioned “Knees up Mother Brown”. One team was going to drink the other under the table and with “The Yard of Hedge” on our side we were fairly confident that Flamstead would be the ones chucking up in a dumpster in a couple of hours’ time. Being a vets team we were looking for somewhere with a quiet ambience, log fire, no juke-box and no students drinking out of goldfish bowls with 43 straws. The sort of pub where Pete Makower can smoke his pipe and have his shotgun broken over his knee in the comfort of an antique armchair with Bally lying asleep at his feet in a basket. The Colts team was the usual mix of mild and bitter. Capt. “Aftershock” Prefab was looking to get back amongst the runs. Mike “Whisky” MacHoward had brought his own hip flask. John “Page 3” Callender had brought his own hips. David “Half of Bitter” Whiteley was in his cups whilst “The Yard of Hedge” and Simon “Champagne” Williams were hoping to pop the odd cork if things went well.
We had heard a lot about Flamstead this winter as they are up at the bar with us in the league and they were expected to be tough opponents as we took them on at billiards followed by a round of darts and a game of spoof. The early drinking was going to be with the Colts asked to bat after a coin toss at the quiz machine that took a confusing turn as it took both captains several moments at the introduction before they realised that they were both named Graham/Graeme. Not for nothing had these two been elected to senior office and neither had the excuse of having had a drink yet. So with cocktails shaken and the Colts openers stirred it was Capt. “Aftershock” (10 in 4) and “Half a Bitter” who strode out to sip the first slow comfortable screw up against the wall of the evening. “Half of Bitter” (41* in 24) is in a tremendous run of form at the moment and his dash of tonic was just what the doctor ordered as his drinking partner slid off his stool in the 2nd over being caught and bowled. The Colts batting has consistently out-pernod everyone this season but we were not getting the drinks in tonight as “MacHoward” (15 in 10) played on, “The Yard of Hedge” (3 in 5) was well caught and bowled and “Champagne Willy” was run out in a mix up. Before anyone could strike up a chord on the ol’ piano in the corner it was left to “Page 3” (21* in 14) to show a bit of graft and experience in getting his team to 131-4. Those before him may have held a bat like a slice of lemon but “Page 3” wielded it like a pub landlord taking charge of the TV remote and it proved to be a vital innings. It is also worth noting that whilst they were good the Flamstead Sambucas gave up 33 wides. On the balcony Capt. “Aftershock” (I’m hoping that name might catch on y’know) said to “Champagne Willy”: “Well, we’re in a game now. We’d better bowl well”.
As it happened we bowled very well.
The captain saw no reason to clean out the crisp rack so he stuck with the usual flavours of the cheese ‘n’ onion from “MacHoward” and the prawn cocktail of “The Yard of Hedge” whilst opening a bag of “Wotsits” on the table during the “Full Court Press” dictated by the Powerade regulations. We were spicy “Bloody Mary” with a dash of tabasco hot right from the start. “MacHoward” (3-0-14-2) bounced one out to be caught by “the Yard” in tribute to his fielding hero, Monty Panesar. He also castlemained the No. 3 with a peach schnapps of an in-ducker that was just too good. By the time “The Yard” skulled a stumping, Flamstead were flummoxed at 26-3 off 4 overs and were going to struggle to keep up with the rate if they made it to closing time. The Colts were sharp like a three month old bottle of German table wine and only “Matt” (28 in 23) was able to sip sweetly from the schooner of success as he retired to the snug. “Champagne” (0-28) was gin slinging down some genuine fizz and made a run out before “Half of Bitter” delivered the crème de menthe. The opposition skipper (called Graham if memory serves) swung and missed at one in a straight glass and was bowled but what was needed was a “Royal Lochnagar” of a moment to complete the triumph. “Half a Bitter” pocketed the little package he’d got from that machine in the men’s toilets, zipped himself up and sent down one final slippery nipple at the returning “Matt”. What followed was enough to make anyone feel as tipsy as a typist at the office Christmas party. “Matt” stella’d the ball towards the midwicket wall where “MacHoward” had crept up tighter than a PVC nurse’s uniform in Newcastle on a Saturday night. With the ball almost behind him Mike threw himself down like he’d seen a pound on the floor and picked up the ball one handed and inches from the carpet. Breathtaking stuff.
Flamstead were gracious in defeat and it was good to put in such a performance in front of the watching Redbourn and Final.
MoM : Yorkshire’s finest. A lot of bottle from “Half of Bitter” Whiteley (41* and 2-14) as the man who put the “lower” in to “Lowenbrau”. Follow the Bear !!!
We had heard a lot about Flamstead this winter as they are up at the bar with us in the league and they were expected to be tough opponents as we took them on at billiards followed by a round of darts and a game of spoof. The early drinking was going to be with the Colts asked to bat after a coin toss at the quiz machine that took a confusing turn as it took both captains several moments at the introduction before they realised that they were both named Graham/Graeme. Not for nothing had these two been elected to senior office and neither had the excuse of having had a drink yet. So with cocktails shaken and the Colts openers stirred it was Capt. “Aftershock” (10 in 4) and “Half a Bitter” who strode out to sip the first slow comfortable screw up against the wall of the evening. “Half of Bitter” (41* in 24) is in a tremendous run of form at the moment and his dash of tonic was just what the doctor ordered as his drinking partner slid off his stool in the 2nd over being caught and bowled. The Colts batting has consistently out-pernod everyone this season but we were not getting the drinks in tonight as “MacHoward” (15 in 10) played on, “The Yard of Hedge” (3 in 5) was well caught and bowled and “Champagne Willy” was run out in a mix up. Before anyone could strike up a chord on the ol’ piano in the corner it was left to “Page 3” (21* in 14) to show a bit of graft and experience in getting his team to 131-4. Those before him may have held a bat like a slice of lemon but “Page 3” wielded it like a pub landlord taking charge of the TV remote and it proved to be a vital innings. It is also worth noting that whilst they were good the Flamstead Sambucas gave up 33 wides. On the balcony Capt. “Aftershock” (I’m hoping that name might catch on y’know) said to “Champagne Willy”: “Well, we’re in a game now. We’d better bowl well”.
As it happened we bowled very well.
The captain saw no reason to clean out the crisp rack so he stuck with the usual flavours of the cheese ‘n’ onion from “MacHoward” and the prawn cocktail of “The Yard of Hedge” whilst opening a bag of “Wotsits” on the table during the “Full Court Press” dictated by the Powerade regulations. We were spicy “Bloody Mary” with a dash of tabasco hot right from the start. “MacHoward” (3-0-14-2) bounced one out to be caught by “the Yard” in tribute to his fielding hero, Monty Panesar. He also castlemained the No. 3 with a peach schnapps of an in-ducker that was just too good. By the time “The Yard” skulled a stumping, Flamstead were flummoxed at 26-3 off 4 overs and were going to struggle to keep up with the rate if they made it to closing time. The Colts were sharp like a three month old bottle of German table wine and only “Matt” (28 in 23) was able to sip sweetly from the schooner of success as he retired to the snug. “Champagne” (0-28) was gin slinging down some genuine fizz and made a run out before “Half of Bitter” delivered the crème de menthe. The opposition skipper (called Graham if memory serves) swung and missed at one in a straight glass and was bowled but what was needed was a “Royal Lochnagar” of a moment to complete the triumph. “Half a Bitter” pocketed the little package he’d got from that machine in the men’s toilets, zipped himself up and sent down one final slippery nipple at the returning “Matt”. What followed was enough to make anyone feel as tipsy as a typist at the office Christmas party. “Matt” stella’d the ball towards the midwicket wall where “MacHoward” had crept up tighter than a PVC nurse’s uniform in Newcastle on a Saturday night. With the ball almost behind him Mike threw himself down like he’d seen a pound on the floor and picked up the ball one handed and inches from the carpet. Breathtaking stuff.
Flamstead were gracious in defeat and it was good to put in such a performance in front of the watching Redbourn and Final.
MoM : Yorkshire’s finest. A lot of bottle from “Half of Bitter” Whiteley (41* and 2-14) as the man who put the “lower” in to “Lowenbrau”. Follow the Bear !!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
THE COLTS V. TOTTERNHOE : 16/11/10
It was the announcement that the entire country had been waiting for. The Prince of Colts had gone down on one knee, stuck a familiar ring on the proffered finger and then taken the good men of Totternhoe right up the aisle. By Royal assent the engagement was delivered to the good men of the associated press as the two sides declared their love for each other and discussed plans for a right royal knees up.
“King Prefab of the Netherlands” was accompanied by David “Warden of the Royal Privy” Whiteley, Prince “Randy Andy” Hedges, Peter “The Orb” Makower, Mike “The Duke of Glasgow” Howard and Steve “Princess Margaret” Ball in a line-up dripping with in-bred but noble blood. Grandmas in Swindon were beside themselves with questions like what dress designer did “Princess Margaret” Ball prefer and would he be wearing white ? Would “The Duke of Glasgow” insult all of the foreigners and did “King Prefab” know how to drive through a tunnel after the post match pint of lager without running in to a supporting concrete post ? Would “Randy Andy” arrive by helicopter at the tax-payers’ expense ? Did “The Orb” need a damn good polish ?
Totternhoe were demure and bashful as they offered to bowl first upon winning the toss but their opening overs were testing and well directed like the Queen Mother attempting to locate the drinks cabinet. The Totts kept wides to a decent number (they bettered The Colts by 16 to 34) and quickly beheaded “King Prefab” (11 in 6) as he took off for one of the most ill-advised ventures since The Crusades by running a quick one slowly as he hit the ball straight back to a fielder. This left “The Warden” (46* in 22) and “The Thin White Duke” (40 in 18) to put on a formidable partnership of 52 in brilliant time even though the Totts kept their discipline with the ball. Both knights were retired to allow “Randy Andy” (7 in 7) and “Princess Margaret” (28* in 11) to indulge in a close relationship that may have caused a huge scandal in another time and place but worked very well here until “Margaret” pulled the rug from “Randy Andy’s” head and left him high, bald, dry and run out. Like Prince Charles, “The Orb” (3 in 2) had waited a lifetime to be anointed but he did not get a chance to rule for long before he was cruelly caught short backing-up like a corgi with a stomach complaint. By now the Totts had kept the Colts to 25 in the last 3 overs but “The Duke” then unleashed the crown jewels of his full range of strokes. The penultimate over went for 26 and the last one for 17 as The Prince of Colts mounted Zara Phillips’ horse (careful) and drank deeply from the stirrup cup of glory posting a regal target of 155-4.
Totternhoe’s hopes of a “Peasants’ Revolt” were halted with a superlative bowling performance. Despite the high and wide count of 34 there was menace in almost every delivery and “The Duke” (0-12) and “Randy Andy” (1-21) in particular swung the ball round courtiers and made the ball jump disconcertingly like Edward Longshanks at the sight of a hairy Scot. “The Orb” (0-17) had already proved miserly in a state opening that included an excellent stumping down the leg-side by “King Prefab” off “Randy” and some sound ground fielding. “Tim the Terrible” (25* in 24) hung around well although the run-rate was climbing and The Colts were unable to take the extra wickets they hoped for. The Totts closed at 87-3 with The Colts putting in arguably their best performance of the season as they stay neck-and-neck with Flamstead….just as Henry VIII would like it.
The Colts now have back-to-back matches against Flamstead as the season climaxes like Prince William and Kate Middleton as they……….(nope, I’m not going to The Tower by finishing that one).
MoM: Could be almost anyone but “The Warden of the Royal Privy” takes this one for a gutsy personal performance.
“King Prefab of the Netherlands” was accompanied by David “Warden of the Royal Privy” Whiteley, Prince “Randy Andy” Hedges, Peter “The Orb” Makower, Mike “The Duke of Glasgow” Howard and Steve “Princess Margaret” Ball in a line-up dripping with in-bred but noble blood. Grandmas in Swindon were beside themselves with questions like what dress designer did “Princess Margaret” Ball prefer and would he be wearing white ? Would “The Duke of Glasgow” insult all of the foreigners and did “King Prefab” know how to drive through a tunnel after the post match pint of lager without running in to a supporting concrete post ? Would “Randy Andy” arrive by helicopter at the tax-payers’ expense ? Did “The Orb” need a damn good polish ?
Totternhoe were demure and bashful as they offered to bowl first upon winning the toss but their opening overs were testing and well directed like the Queen Mother attempting to locate the drinks cabinet. The Totts kept wides to a decent number (they bettered The Colts by 16 to 34) and quickly beheaded “King Prefab” (11 in 6) as he took off for one of the most ill-advised ventures since The Crusades by running a quick one slowly as he hit the ball straight back to a fielder. This left “The Warden” (46* in 22) and “The Thin White Duke” (40 in 18) to put on a formidable partnership of 52 in brilliant time even though the Totts kept their discipline with the ball. Both knights were retired to allow “Randy Andy” (7 in 7) and “Princess Margaret” (28* in 11) to indulge in a close relationship that may have caused a huge scandal in another time and place but worked very well here until “Margaret” pulled the rug from “Randy Andy’s” head and left him high, bald, dry and run out. Like Prince Charles, “The Orb” (3 in 2) had waited a lifetime to be anointed but he did not get a chance to rule for long before he was cruelly caught short backing-up like a corgi with a stomach complaint. By now the Totts had kept the Colts to 25 in the last 3 overs but “The Duke” then unleashed the crown jewels of his full range of strokes. The penultimate over went for 26 and the last one for 17 as The Prince of Colts mounted Zara Phillips’ horse (careful) and drank deeply from the stirrup cup of glory posting a regal target of 155-4.
Totternhoe’s hopes of a “Peasants’ Revolt” were halted with a superlative bowling performance. Despite the high and wide count of 34 there was menace in almost every delivery and “The Duke” (0-12) and “Randy Andy” (1-21) in particular swung the ball round courtiers and made the ball jump disconcertingly like Edward Longshanks at the sight of a hairy Scot. “The Orb” (0-17) had already proved miserly in a state opening that included an excellent stumping down the leg-side by “King Prefab” off “Randy” and some sound ground fielding. “Tim the Terrible” (25* in 24) hung around well although the run-rate was climbing and The Colts were unable to take the extra wickets they hoped for. The Totts closed at 87-3 with The Colts putting in arguably their best performance of the season as they stay neck-and-neck with Flamstead….just as Henry VIII would like it.
The Colts now have back-to-back matches against Flamstead as the season climaxes like Prince William and Kate Middleton as they……….(nope, I’m not going to The Tower by finishing that one).
MoM: Could be almost anyone but “The Warden of the Royal Privy” takes this one for a gutsy personal performance.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
THE COLTS V. FROGMORE : 9/11/10
The Democrat Colts lined up against the Republican Frogs at the Redbournville Superdome for Monday Night Football played in fact on any given Tuesday evening (and usually at 9pm). There were tail-gate parties and a motorcade on Wall Street although President “Obama” Prefab did look a little nervously at the grassy knoll and the book depository building as he drove to the venue. Perhaps “Air Force 1” would have been a better bet but it’s not easy trying to slip in to Luton airport unannounced when you’re accompanied by four F-16’s and a stealth bomber plus Hilary Clinton. David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne had even brought a cheerleader with him although the very lovely Daphne looked to have left her pom poms at home as she took her place on the balcony. It has to be said that it was turning in to a worrying evening for President “Prefab” as after grassy knolls, the next thing on a President’s list of favourite things to avoid is balconies at evening entertainment events as people have a habit of popping in and assassinating you before the end of the first act (or innings) but mercifully John Wilkes Booth stayed in the bar watching the soccer on TV. Flanked by his bodyguards “The Prez” called badly and lost the vote on his Healthcare reforms as well as being asked to step up to bat at the top of the first inning.
The very offensive line for the Colts was made up in full from “The Prez”, David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne, Simon “Baked Alaska” Williams, David “Viva Las Vegas” Whiteley, Steve “Sweet Georgia” Ball and “Mississipete” Makower. Lining up on the other side of the pigskin were the Frogs who had arrived by helicopter gun-ship (to the theme tune to “Ride of the Valkyries”) and from the warm up looked to have a decent bowling attack. It was time to enter the playing area and put bat to ball as the Colts openers entered the strike zone for the initial power-play. The Frogs lined up in the slot formation with two tight-ends and a free safety in a “hurry-up” defence using the time-out at the 2 minute warning. “The Prez” (43* in 15 balls) and “Viva Las Vegas” (32* in 19) made an early declaration of independence and a super-size Hawaii 5-3 was on the board by the 4th over with “The Prez” retired to the Starsky & Hutch. In truth there was very little wrong with the Frogs pitching from the mound but runs were still coming freely like fries with a cheeseburger and “Sweet Georgia” Ball (26* in 14) delighted as his milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. “Baked Alaska” (10 in 5) was run out in a Boston Tea Party of a miscommunication with “Viva Las Vegas” and it will be some time before these two attend any sort of party together again. “Ol’ Man Mississipete” (12 in 5) then jumped on the paddle-steamer and burned through the everglades closely pursued by Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane in a patrol car but “The Duke of Hazard” (6 in 5) could only add a few more before he was deemed to be plumb FBI. “Mississipete” caused some consternation by handing his ol’ granpappy’s male protector to “The Prez” in the cage, leaving “The Prez” to comment, much like Robert Duval in “Apocalypse Now !” : “I love the smell of Pete Makower in the evening”. “The Prez” got back in to the West Wing for a few extra runs at the end and The Colts were delighted to have again achieved a score in excess of 160 despite another attempt by the opposition to use the “Full Court Press” fielding technique.
The Frogs were undoubtedly relying on “Lee Harvey” Craig (13 in 6) but he was run out by the CIA in an undercover “Black Op” involving a conspiracy theory, a magic bullet, Richard Nixon, Al Capone, Area 51 and a quick return throw to the bowler’s end as Craig tripped over his own feet. All the Colt quarterbacks had a good evening but particularly the leg-spinning Butch & Sundance of “The Duke” (3 overs, 0-6) and “Baked Alaska” (2 overs, 1-4) as Frogmore caught the Hill Street Blues with not many on the board for plenty of outs. It was left to General “Stonewall” Rob (3 in 21) to use his bat like the Hoover Dam in trying to keep The Colts at bay and avoid a Frogman Missile Crisis but rather than a cold war this turned in to a comfortably warm win. The Dow Jones index for The Colts’ prospects this season remains reassuringly buoyant.
MoM : “The Prez” for 43* in 15 balls. Surely destined for the Hall of Fame plus he’s the leader of the free world.
The very offensive line for the Colts was made up in full from “The Prez”, David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne, Simon “Baked Alaska” Williams, David “Viva Las Vegas” Whiteley, Steve “Sweet Georgia” Ball and “Mississipete” Makower. Lining up on the other side of the pigskin were the Frogs who had arrived by helicopter gun-ship (to the theme tune to “Ride of the Valkyries”) and from the warm up looked to have a decent bowling attack. It was time to enter the playing area and put bat to ball as the Colts openers entered the strike zone for the initial power-play. The Frogs lined up in the slot formation with two tight-ends and a free safety in a “hurry-up” defence using the time-out at the 2 minute warning. “The Prez” (43* in 15 balls) and “Viva Las Vegas” (32* in 19) made an early declaration of independence and a super-size Hawaii 5-3 was on the board by the 4th over with “The Prez” retired to the Starsky & Hutch. In truth there was very little wrong with the Frogs pitching from the mound but runs were still coming freely like fries with a cheeseburger and “Sweet Georgia” Ball (26* in 14) delighted as his milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. “Baked Alaska” (10 in 5) was run out in a Boston Tea Party of a miscommunication with “Viva Las Vegas” and it will be some time before these two attend any sort of party together again. “Ol’ Man Mississipete” (12 in 5) then jumped on the paddle-steamer and burned through the everglades closely pursued by Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane in a patrol car but “The Duke of Hazard” (6 in 5) could only add a few more before he was deemed to be plumb FBI. “Mississipete” caused some consternation by handing his ol’ granpappy’s male protector to “The Prez” in the cage, leaving “The Prez” to comment, much like Robert Duval in “Apocalypse Now !” : “I love the smell of Pete Makower in the evening”. “The Prez” got back in to the West Wing for a few extra runs at the end and The Colts were delighted to have again achieved a score in excess of 160 despite another attempt by the opposition to use the “Full Court Press” fielding technique.
The Frogs were undoubtedly relying on “Lee Harvey” Craig (13 in 6) but he was run out by the CIA in an undercover “Black Op” involving a conspiracy theory, a magic bullet, Richard Nixon, Al Capone, Area 51 and a quick return throw to the bowler’s end as Craig tripped over his own feet. All the Colt quarterbacks had a good evening but particularly the leg-spinning Butch & Sundance of “The Duke” (3 overs, 0-6) and “Baked Alaska” (2 overs, 1-4) as Frogmore caught the Hill Street Blues with not many on the board for plenty of outs. It was left to General “Stonewall” Rob (3 in 21) to use his bat like the Hoover Dam in trying to keep The Colts at bay and avoid a Frogman Missile Crisis but rather than a cold war this turned in to a comfortably warm win. The Dow Jones index for The Colts’ prospects this season remains reassuringly buoyant.
MoM : “The Prez” for 43* in 15 balls. Surely destined for the Hall of Fame plus he’s the leader of the free world.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER : 2/11/10
Match report courtesy of the lead guitarist from U2 – “The Hedge”. Achtung Baby !
Report :-
So the Colts rolled into town once more, this time for an early start, once again up against the new boys for 2010 – St John Fisher, a side we beat comfortably in the Cup a few weeks back. Big changes to the team for this game. Capt “Prefab” was unavailable – apparently “busy” in town looking up colleagues’ skirts and pulling on his, sorry, their boas. No Mike, no Dave W, no John C. No SKY cameras either! So, Captain Bally stepped up to the plate, promptly fell over it, won the toss and stuck the oppo in. Gasps were heard all over Hertfordshire as he opted to open up with not one but two spinners. “Mange tout Rodney, mange tout” – Bally was heard to say….
Fisher came racing out of the blocks, posting 12 off the first over from “Third Degree” Byrne. “Pistol” Pete Mak soon saw an end to such frivolities though, firing ball after ball into the oppo’s pads at an alarming, albeit non-turning, rate. Such was his success though that his 3 overs of frugality helped leave Fisher with just 43 on the board at the half way stage, albeit for the loss of only one wicket. For the remaining 6 overs Fisher did their best to make it ever more easy for the Colts, their decision making when it came to running between the wickets not being of the most obvious quality. The Hedge’s levels of profanity increased commensurably with each squeezed edge for 3 runs. Bally bowled tidily (though went for plenty again) but between them they managed to get the only two wickets not to come from run outs - of which there were 3. Fisher’s opener – having retired early – came back almost as soon as he had sat down and crafted his way to a very respectable 54 not out. Fisher closed on 110-5; eminently get-able.
The old firm (I’m reliably informed they’re referred to as) opened up for Colts. Tim & Simon raced to 47 off 3 overs, Fisher contributing 30 of those via extras – 16 of which came off the 3rd over alone. Simon departed early in the 5th over for a solid 7 with the score on 51, Tim stroked his way to retirement, Hedge steadfastly played straight for a change and Bally came in and dispatched the ball to all parts – though mainly the back wall and somewhat agriculturally, it could be said. His left elbow has pointed higher, shall we say. With the scores tied in the 10th over Fisher sent down yet another wide to complete the match. 40 runs of our 111 target were donated by the opposition; an easy victory against a team who are still clearly finding their feet in the indoor format.
A special mention for Simon who offered up his services behind the stumps in the absence of Capt. “Prefab”. During the warm up the ball was ricocheting to all parts off his pads, arms, gloves – it didn’t bode well. Yet during the game – one hilariously misjudged attempt at a catch aside – he performed magnificently. He conceded just 3 byes - a top effort.
Man of the match was a toss up between “Pistol” and Hedge. Pete bowled flatter than an Icelandic landscape and was impossible to get away. Hedge was mercifully straighter than the previous week, picked up a wicket and got a few runs too. Through a combination of this, showing a pleasingly acceptable level of swearing at the batsmen plus the fact that I’ve written this whereas Bally just couldn’t be arsed, I make my myself MOM.
“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” in other words. And YES, Bally, we do all know a song like that.
Congrats to Capt. Ball for helping to maintain the 100% record. It was sooooooo quiet on the pitch this week……..?
MoM : “The Hedge” just for being there, writing the match report and using (or making up) words like “commensurably”. He could yet be to The Colts what Stephen Fry is to the English language, culture, gentle humour, wry tweeting, celibacy and polite society.
Report :-
So the Colts rolled into town once more, this time for an early start, once again up against the new boys for 2010 – St John Fisher, a side we beat comfortably in the Cup a few weeks back. Big changes to the team for this game. Capt “Prefab” was unavailable – apparently “busy” in town looking up colleagues’ skirts and pulling on his, sorry, their boas. No Mike, no Dave W, no John C. No SKY cameras either! So, Captain Bally stepped up to the plate, promptly fell over it, won the toss and stuck the oppo in. Gasps were heard all over Hertfordshire as he opted to open up with not one but two spinners. “Mange tout Rodney, mange tout” – Bally was heard to say….
Fisher came racing out of the blocks, posting 12 off the first over from “Third Degree” Byrne. “Pistol” Pete Mak soon saw an end to such frivolities though, firing ball after ball into the oppo’s pads at an alarming, albeit non-turning, rate. Such was his success though that his 3 overs of frugality helped leave Fisher with just 43 on the board at the half way stage, albeit for the loss of only one wicket. For the remaining 6 overs Fisher did their best to make it ever more easy for the Colts, their decision making when it came to running between the wickets not being of the most obvious quality. The Hedge’s levels of profanity increased commensurably with each squeezed edge for 3 runs. Bally bowled tidily (though went for plenty again) but between them they managed to get the only two wickets not to come from run outs - of which there were 3. Fisher’s opener – having retired early – came back almost as soon as he had sat down and crafted his way to a very respectable 54 not out. Fisher closed on 110-5; eminently get-able.
The old firm (I’m reliably informed they’re referred to as) opened up for Colts. Tim & Simon raced to 47 off 3 overs, Fisher contributing 30 of those via extras – 16 of which came off the 3rd over alone. Simon departed early in the 5th over for a solid 7 with the score on 51, Tim stroked his way to retirement, Hedge steadfastly played straight for a change and Bally came in and dispatched the ball to all parts – though mainly the back wall and somewhat agriculturally, it could be said. His left elbow has pointed higher, shall we say. With the scores tied in the 10th over Fisher sent down yet another wide to complete the match. 40 runs of our 111 target were donated by the opposition; an easy victory against a team who are still clearly finding their feet in the indoor format.
A special mention for Simon who offered up his services behind the stumps in the absence of Capt. “Prefab”. During the warm up the ball was ricocheting to all parts off his pads, arms, gloves – it didn’t bode well. Yet during the game – one hilariously misjudged attempt at a catch aside – he performed magnificently. He conceded just 3 byes - a top effort.
Man of the match was a toss up between “Pistol” and Hedge. Pete bowled flatter than an Icelandic landscape and was impossible to get away. Hedge was mercifully straighter than the previous week, picked up a wicket and got a few runs too. Through a combination of this, showing a pleasingly acceptable level of swearing at the batsmen plus the fact that I’ve written this whereas Bally just couldn’t be arsed, I make my myself MOM.
“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” in other words. And YES, Bally, we do all know a song like that.
Congrats to Capt. Ball for helping to maintain the 100% record. It was sooooooo quiet on the pitch this week……..?
MoM : “The Hedge” just for being there, writing the match report and using (or making up) words like “commensurably”. He could yet be to The Colts what Stephen Fry is to the English language, culture, gentle humour, wry tweeting, celibacy and polite society.
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