THE COLTS V. FROGMORE : 9/11/10

The Democrat Colts lined up against the Republican Frogs at the Redbournville Superdome for Monday Night Football played in fact on any given Tuesday evening (and usually at 9pm). There were tail-gate parties and a motorcade on Wall Street although President “Obama” Prefab did look a little nervously at the grassy knoll and the book depository building as he drove to the venue. Perhaps “Air Force 1” would have been a better bet but it’s not easy trying to slip in to Luton airport unannounced when you’re accompanied by four F-16’s and a stealth bomber plus Hilary Clinton. David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne had even brought a cheerleader with him although the very lovely Daphne looked to have left her pom poms at home as she took her place on the balcony. It has to be said that it was turning in to a worrying evening for President “Prefab” as after grassy knolls, the next thing on a President’s list of favourite things to avoid is balconies at evening entertainment events as people have a habit of popping in and assassinating you before the end of the first act (or innings) but mercifully John Wilkes Booth stayed in the bar watching the soccer on TV. Flanked by his bodyguards “The Prez” called badly and lost the vote on his Healthcare reforms as well as being asked to step up to bat at the top of the first inning.

The very offensive line for the Colts was made up in full from “The Prez”, David “The Duke of Hazard” Byrne, Simon “Baked Alaska” Williams, David “Viva Las Vegas” Whiteley, Steve “Sweet Georgia” Ball and “Mississipete” Makower. Lining up on the other side of the pigskin were the Frogs who had arrived by helicopter gun-ship (to the theme tune to “Ride of the Valkyries”) and from the warm up looked to have a decent bowling attack. It was time to enter the playing area and put bat to ball as the Colts openers entered the strike zone for the initial power-play. The Frogs lined up in the slot formation with two tight-ends and a free safety in a “hurry-up” defence using the time-out at the 2 minute warning. “The Prez” (43* in 15 balls) and “Viva Las Vegas” (32* in 19) made an early declaration of independence and a super-size Hawaii 5-3 was on the board by the 4th over with “The Prez” retired to the Starsky & Hutch. In truth there was very little wrong with the Frogs pitching from the mound but runs were still coming freely like fries with a cheeseburger and “Sweet Georgia” Ball (26* in 14) delighted as his milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. “Baked Alaska” (10 in 5) was run out in a Boston Tea Party of a miscommunication with “Viva Las Vegas” and it will be some time before these two attend any sort of party together again. “Ol’ Man Mississipete” (12 in 5) then jumped on the paddle-steamer and burned through the everglades closely pursued by Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane in a patrol car but “The Duke of Hazard” (6 in 5) could only add a few more before he was deemed to be plumb FBI. “Mississipete” caused some consternation by handing his ol’ granpappy’s male protector to “The Prez” in the cage, leaving “The Prez” to comment, much like Robert Duval in “Apocalypse Now !” : “I love the smell of Pete Makower in the evening”. “The Prez” got back in to the West Wing for a few extra runs at the end and The Colts were delighted to have again achieved a score in excess of 160 despite another attempt by the opposition to use the “Full Court Press” fielding technique.

The Frogs were undoubtedly relying on “Lee Harvey” Craig (13 in 6) but he was run out by the CIA in an undercover “Black Op” involving a conspiracy theory, a magic bullet, Richard Nixon, Al Capone, Area 51 and a quick return throw to the bowler’s end as Craig tripped over his own feet. All the Colt quarterbacks had a good evening but particularly the leg-spinning Butch & Sundance of “The Duke” (3 overs, 0-6) and “Baked Alaska” (2 overs, 1-4) as Frogmore caught the Hill Street Blues with not many on the board for plenty of outs. It was left to General “Stonewall” Rob (3 in 21) to use his bat like the Hoover Dam in trying to keep The Colts at bay and avoid a Frogman Missile Crisis but rather than a cold war this turned in to a comfortably warm win. The Dow Jones index for The Colts’ prospects this season remains reassuringly buoyant.

MoM : “The Prez” for 43* in 15 balls. Surely destined for the Hall of Fame plus he’s the leader of the free world.