THE COLTS V. FLAMSTEAD : PART 1 - CUP SEMI-FINAL : 18/11/10

The Colts went to the pub with Flamstead last night for a good old fashioned “Knees up Mother Brown”. One team was going to drink the other under the table and with “The Yard of Hedge” on our side we were fairly confident that Flamstead would be the ones chucking up in a dumpster in a couple of hours’ time. Being a vets team we were looking for somewhere with a quiet ambience, log fire, no juke-box and no students drinking out of goldfish bowls with 43 straws. The sort of pub where Pete Makower can smoke his pipe and have his shotgun broken over his knee in the comfort of an antique armchair with Bally lying asleep at his feet in a basket. The Colts team was the usual mix of mild and bitter. Capt. “Aftershock” Prefab was looking to get back amongst the runs. Mike “Whisky” MacHoward had brought his own hip flask. John “Page 3” Callender had brought his own hips. David “Half of Bitter” Whiteley was in his cups whilst “The Yard of Hedge” and Simon “Champagne” Williams were hoping to pop the odd cork if things went well.

We had heard a lot about Flamstead this winter as they are up at the bar with us in the league and they were expected to be tough opponents as we took them on at billiards followed by a round of darts and a game of spoof. The early drinking was going to be with the Colts asked to bat after a coin toss at the quiz machine that took a confusing turn as it took both captains several moments at the introduction before they realised that they were both named Graham/Graeme. Not for nothing had these two been elected to senior office and neither had the excuse of having had a drink yet. So with cocktails shaken and the Colts openers stirred it was Capt. “Aftershock” (10 in 4) and “Half a Bitter” who strode out to sip the first slow comfortable screw up against the wall of the evening. “Half of Bitter” (41* in 24) is in a tremendous run of form at the moment and his dash of tonic was just what the doctor ordered as his drinking partner slid off his stool in the 2nd over being caught and bowled. The Colts batting has consistently out-pernod everyone this season but we were not getting the drinks in tonight as “MacHoward” (15 in 10) played on, “The Yard of Hedge” (3 in 5) was well caught and bowled and “Champagne Willy” was run out in a mix up. Before anyone could strike up a chord on the ol’ piano in the corner it was left to “Page 3” (21* in 14) to show a bit of graft and experience in getting his team to 131-4. Those before him may have held a bat like a slice of lemon but “Page 3” wielded it like a pub landlord taking charge of the TV remote and it proved to be a vital innings. It is also worth noting that whilst they were good the Flamstead Sambucas gave up 33 wides. On the balcony Capt. “Aftershock” (I’m hoping that name might catch on y’know) said to “Champagne Willy”: “Well, we’re in a game now. We’d better bowl well”.

As it happened we bowled very well.

The captain saw no reason to clean out the crisp rack so he stuck with the usual flavours of the cheese ‘n’ onion from “MacHoward” and the prawn cocktail of “The Yard of Hedge” whilst opening a bag of “Wotsits” on the table during the “Full Court Press” dictated by the Powerade regulations. We were spicy “Bloody Mary” with a dash of tabasco hot right from the start. “MacHoward” (3-0-14-2) bounced one out to be caught by “the Yard” in tribute to his fielding hero, Monty Panesar. He also castlemained the No. 3 with a peach schnapps of an in-ducker that was just too good. By the time “The Yard” skulled a stumping, Flamstead were flummoxed at 26-3 off 4 overs and were going to struggle to keep up with the rate if they made it to closing time. The Colts were sharp like a three month old bottle of German table wine and only “Matt” (28 in 23) was able to sip sweetly from the schooner of success as he retired to the snug. “Champagne” (0-28) was gin slinging down some genuine fizz and made a run out before “Half of Bitter” delivered the crème de menthe. The opposition skipper (called Graham if memory serves) swung and missed at one in a straight glass and was bowled but what was needed was a “Royal Lochnagar” of a moment to complete the triumph. “Half a Bitter” pocketed the little package he’d got from that machine in the men’s toilets, zipped himself up and sent down one final slippery nipple at the returning “Matt”. What followed was enough to make anyone feel as tipsy as a typist at the office Christmas party. “Matt” stella’d the ball towards the midwicket wall where “MacHoward” had crept up tighter than a PVC nurse’s uniform in Newcastle on a Saturday night. With the ball almost behind him Mike threw himself down like he’d seen a pound on the floor and picked up the ball one handed and inches from the carpet. Breathtaking stuff.

Flamstead were gracious in defeat and it was good to put in such a performance in front of the watching Redbourn and Final.

MoM : Yorkshire’s finest. A lot of bottle from “Half of Bitter” Whiteley (41* and 2-14) as the man who put the “lower” in to “Lowenbrau”. Follow the Bear !!!