THE COLTS V. ST. JOHN FISHER : 2/11/10

Match report courtesy of the lead guitarist from U2 – “The Hedge”. Achtung Baby !

Report :-

So the Colts rolled into town once more, this time for an early start, once again up against the new boys for 2010 – St John Fisher, a side we beat comfortably in the Cup a few weeks back. Big changes to the team for this game. Capt “Prefab” was unavailable – apparently “busy” in town looking up colleagues’ skirts and pulling on his, sorry, their boas. No Mike, no Dave W, no John C. No SKY cameras either! So, Captain Bally stepped up to the plate, promptly fell over it, won the toss and stuck the oppo in. Gasps were heard all over Hertfordshire as he opted to open up with not one but two spinners. “Mange tout Rodney, mange tout” – Bally was heard to say….

Fisher came racing out of the blocks, posting 12 off the first over from “Third Degree” Byrne. “Pistol” Pete Mak soon saw an end to such frivolities though, firing ball after ball into the oppo’s pads at an alarming, albeit non-turning, rate. Such was his success though that his 3 overs of frugality helped leave Fisher with just 43 on the board at the half way stage, albeit for the loss of only one wicket. For the remaining 6 overs Fisher did their best to make it ever more easy for the Colts, their decision making when it came to running between the wickets not being of the most obvious quality. The Hedge’s levels of profanity increased commensurably with each squeezed edge for 3 runs. Bally bowled tidily (though went for plenty again) but between them they managed to get the only two wickets not to come from run outs - of which there were 3. Fisher’s opener – having retired early – came back almost as soon as he had sat down and crafted his way to a very respectable 54 not out. Fisher closed on 110-5; eminently get-able.

The old firm (I’m reliably informed they’re referred to as) opened up for Colts. Tim & Simon raced to 47 off 3 overs, Fisher contributing 30 of those via extras – 16 of which came off the 3rd over alone. Simon departed early in the 5th over for a solid 7 with the score on 51, Tim stroked his way to retirement, Hedge steadfastly played straight for a change and Bally came in and dispatched the ball to all parts – though mainly the back wall and somewhat agriculturally, it could be said. His left elbow has pointed higher, shall we say. With the scores tied in the 10th over Fisher sent down yet another wide to complete the match. 40 runs of our 111 target were donated by the opposition; an easy victory against a team who are still clearly finding their feet in the indoor format.

A special mention for Simon who offered up his services behind the stumps in the absence of Capt. “Prefab”. During the warm up the ball was ricocheting to all parts off his pads, arms, gloves – it didn’t bode well. Yet during the game – one hilariously misjudged attempt at a catch aside – he performed magnificently. He conceded just 3 byes - a top effort.

Man of the match was a toss up between “Pistol” and Hedge. Pete bowled flatter than an Icelandic landscape and was impossible to get away. Hedge was mercifully straighter than the previous week, picked up a wicket and got a few runs too. Through a combination of this, showing a pleasingly acceptable level of swearing at the batsmen plus the fact that I’ve written this whereas Bally just couldn’t be arsed, I make my myself MOM.

“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” in other words. And YES, Bally, we do all know a song like that.

Congrats to Capt. Ball for helping to maintain the 100% record. It was sooooooo quiet on the pitch this week……..?

MoM : “The Hedge” just for being there, writing the match report and using (or making up) words like “commensurably”. He could yet be to The Colts what Stephen Fry is to the English language, culture, gentle humour, wry tweeting, celibacy and polite society.