Match report v Totternhoe Tues 10 Nov

For those of you that don't know, Totternhoe is an ancient village to the south of the county of Bedfordshire. It is noted for Totternhoe Knolls which have been a defensive fort for both the Romans and the Normans. Behind the Knolls are a large chalk quarry producing the famous Totternhoe stone and some modern lime kilns. The 13th century local church is dedicated to St. Giles, being the patron saint of cripples (insert your own joke here) due to the large number of people crippled while working in the quarry [Note from skip: plagurism from Wikipedia, will get you nowhere and are you bored now?]

Adding to St. Giles's work in the community were the Colts last night as a very strong all-round line-up inflicted a big defeat thanks to "Serena" Williams [Note from skip: What, I demand a more appropriate pseudonym! Robbie? Robin? Even Venus is better than being compared to second row forward come tennis player], "Prefab" Sprowson, "Braveheart" Howard, "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne, David "Copper Dragon" Whiteley and Steve "The Secret Policeman" Ball. "Prefab" was still protecting an infinite average as the result of not yet having been out and he and Whiteley both made it to 25 before retiring with 51 on the board inside 4 overs. Some of the Totternhoe bowling was quick but erratic (including a huge first ball wide that might have embarrassed even Steve Harmison) whilst the spin options were steady but perhaps lacking in a bit of devil. To be fair to the Totts they were prepared to put their bodies on the line as "Hamish Macbeth" Howard proceeded to smash the ball everywhere. It's not entirely clear how much of the Totts fielding was based on a selfless desire to help the team and how much was the fact that they just couldn't get out of the damn way of the Howard exocets in time but the 100 was put on the board in about 8 overs and the Colts knew they were on to a good thing.

"The Secret Policeman" and "Serena" then allowed the Totts a couple of wickets. Bally struggled to score threes as he was determined to smash the ball through the side walls and was particularly unlucky to be caught off what appeared to be a combination of wall, net, ceiling, fielder and then a one-handed grab by the bowler. Serena scored 9 in 4 balls before also holing out, but this time off the roof net. Sometimes, a bit like a Manchester United fan wearing all the gear on a flight home from a European match and then being diverted to John Lennon airport in Liverpool, you just know that it's not your day. "Prefab" got back in to join "Chinese" on his high wire act and was looking to pick up some cheap runs but one sharp single too many saw him dismissed for 35 and it was to be "Scotch Broth" Howard and "Copper Dragon" who would see out the final 3 overs with 125 currently on the board. Sensible batting saw both players in to the 40's and it was a race to see who would get their 50 first. Howard was hitting hard and straight but ended just short whilst David picked off the side walls and made it to 51 on the last ball. The Colts had made 165 which was probably about 20 less than might have been if it weren't for Totternhoe fielders throwing themselves in front of big shots like paparazzi on the red carpet of a film premiere.

A score of 165 is a good number on any Blue Peter "Totalizer" no matter how many stamps you've peeled off using warm water nor how many milk bottle tops you've stolen from your neighbours and with the bowling at "Venus" Williams's disposal a win was surely on the cards ? "Frankie" Howard was quick and brutal and Whiteley was accurate from the start and the Totts struggled to maintain even 6 an over despite not losing an early wicket. Some terrible calling and poor judgement of a run then prompted a collapse with Whiteley bagging a brace of run outs like a poacher in the woods at midnight and Howard clean bowling the No. 3 before he'd even thought about deciding whether he should consider the feasibility of playing forward or back. It wasn't to be a Byrne's night as his accurate leggers were largely kept at bay but skipper Williams took the last wicket to leave Totternhoe bewitched, bothered and bewildered at 56 all out in the 7^th over with time to still make it back home for a film starting at 9pm and a takeaway from the local curry house.

The Colts will go clear top of the table after this round of matches, as previous leaders Crabtree Dads lost their second game last night, leaving us as the only team with one loss so far. We then have a mouth-watering semi-final of the cup versus Final CC to come next week. As Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards once said to Douglas Bader - "Keep your eyes on the skis".

Delayed MoM v. Flamstead : David "The Chinese State Circus" Byrne - a brilliant debut.

MoM v. Totternhoe : But for an umpiring indiscretion in "The Cage" it might have been Mike "Braveheart" Howard but the award this week goes to David "The Woolpack" Whiteley for his 51 plus 2 catches and a run out.

Report courtesy of the "Prefab".