Match report Colts v Frogmore Thurs 29 Oct

It was half term and the Colts squad was looking as depleted as an audition for "Britain's Got Talent" in Shrewsbury with key players flung across the globe as far as Mauritius and the Highlands of Scotland. Captain Simon William's dicky knee was a little less dicky this week as he declared himself fit although only marginally more mobile than Long John Silver after a night out down at the docks. The rest of the team comprised The Hedge, Sprowson G, Callender J, Smurph (wearing an Everton T-shirt dating back to the early 80's when they last won something) and a genuine colt in the spritely form of Paul Goodwin who was making his debut.

Paul's appearance had to be cunningly disguised in order to pass muster as a 30-something as his energy and athleticism slightly destroyed the plan to declare his age to the umpire as somewhere in the region of a well preserved 40. Even some last minute make-up applied in the car park including a grey wig, some deepening of the wrinkles on his face with an eye-brow pencil (don't ask how we had one to hand) and a Clive Dunn/Corporal Jones mask could not hide the fact that Paul runs half marathons for fun whereas the rest of the team eat half a Marathon (or a Snickers as they now are) as a sugar boost between innings. Still, Paul was a very handy signing as a quality replacement wicket-keeper to allow The Sprout to bowl and block the fire exit on the back wall thus contravening health and safety regulations.

Simon won the toss and elected to let his bowlers loose on a Frogmore batting line-up that resembled a Jamie Oliver cooking programme being big on enthusiasm but sadly lacking in very much quality. The Sprout was thrown the old ball and was somewhat confused by it's appearance looking as it did like half an old apple and half a
coconut macaroon that had seen better days. It was hard to know if it would seam, swing or simply disintegrate on impact. It seems an odd custom these days that we get to warm up with brand new oranges and then get given something that looks like an enlarged spleen for the match itself. The first over from "Brussels" was unmemorable but John Callender then took the first wicket in bizarre fashion before a full-blooded shot had been played in anger. The Froggy opener jabbed at one of JC's "Bruce Forsyth" balls (i.e. a largely inoffensive delivery) but missed it and the ball apologetically kissed the green base of the stumps like a cheerleader
on prom night. Several seconds later the leg bail dropped like a leaf in Autumn and the batsman was declared out while he was getting in to his stance to face the next ball. A run out or two followed shortly afterwards as the Kermits reached 55-4 off 6 overs with nobody able to deal with either Hedge's pace or Simon's demonic leggers. Several overs went by with only a handful of runs scored and the back wall resembled the Berlin Wall as nobody paid it any attention and it might as well have been knocked down for the evening. A final total of 67 all out was never going to be enough.

The Sprout then attempted to add to his chequered history of run out victims by opening up with Smurph but 50 runs were put on the board with ease before the end of the 5th over with Sprout retiring to the cage with 25 and Hedge building a patient innings at No. 3 like a shaven-headed Chris Tavare. A reasonable performance against weak opposition.

Man of the Match : "Dan" the umpire - Cheerful, happy to be there, fun-loving plus he gave Hedge an LBW.