Match report v Crabtree 26 Nov

Like a certain infamous German Dictator , the Colts only have one Ball but what a difference he made in the top-of-the-table clash against the Crabapple Dads at the Choice Cricket Allianz/Emirates Arena just off the M1. Steve "Ping Pong" Ball announced himself in the 6th over of the match by claiming a wicket with his first ball and went on to record the startling figures of 3-0-12-3 in an awesome display of old fashioned off-spin. From a decent start of 53 off 5 overs with a man retired in the hutch the Elmtree Fathers were looking poised and efficient but Ball's introduction was the turning point thanks to an inspired piece of captaincy. It takes a skipper of rare skill, intuition and intelligence to take a game by the scruff of the neck and shape it in his own image but unfortunately Simon Williams was not playing due to work commitments so the Colts made it up as they went along instead.

Ball's first was an LBW so bang to rights as it hit the batsman on the full in front of middle peg that the departing player was lucky not to get 3 years inside as well as the crooked finger of fate from umpire Gary Sanford . The last time that a decision so obvious was correctly made was when that annoying pair of in-bred Irish parakeets were sent packing from the X-Factor (so I'm told - my wife has it on in the background and I glance at it from time to time when I take a break from reading Dickens under my angle-poise reading lamp).

Ball followed this with his next trick in his next over - a three card trick in fact that even Paul Daniels would have approved of. With Hedge providing assistance as the lovely Debbie McGee on the back wall, Ball sent down one loopy off break and then another loopy off break before whipping the quicker one on with the arm and picking off the bails like the Artful Dodger taking a pocket kerchief from an unsuspecting toff in Marylebone High Street (apologies for the Dickens fixation). The lovely Hedge McGee was so impressed that afterwards he confessed to having called out "well bowled" just after the point that "Fezziwig" Ball had released the orange on it's way but before it had even pitched. Now that's magic.

There were others on court of course; Michael the Bruce was hostile with the ball but full of goodwill to all men having accepted a cash offer on castle Howard. There were twice the number of Whiteleys as usual with David "Baht 'at" Whiteley cheered on by his old man in the bleachers plus Graeme "Jumping Frog" Sprowson and Trevor "Golden Gate" Bridger completing a magnificent 6. "Baht 'at " snaffled a direct hit run out and "Cannon" Ball picked up his last wicket with a catch off a side wall to add to the damage as the Willowtree Parents struggled along at only 7 an over having made such a promising start. Two silly run outs when a last wicket stand might have made a difference left the Colts with a target of 90 to take giant leap towards the league title.

"The King of Rock and Roll" Sprowson and "Farmer" Whiteley opened the innings to avoid any tinkering with the usual order of things and runs flowed like cheap white wine down the throat of a saucy secretary at an office Christmas party. Despite efforts by Hedge to make the scorecard look like an Enron balance sheet there were just enough figures in the right columns to show that both openers made it to retirement and a gold watch with 25 not out. "Trevor" Howard and "Celia Johnson" Bridger then met under the clock at Waterloo station as their brief encounter provided the extra few runs to see the Colts home. Bridger in particular was in an excitable mood being dropped first ball and almost run out on numerous occasions during his knock of 3 not out. At one point he screamed "It's too late" to Howard as they stood next to each other in the batting crease considering the possibility of a single before they both then set off for the far end. The Dutch-Elm-Disease Paters were generous in defeat as they relinquished top spot in the division, possibly forever.

MoM : It can only be - Steve "Medicine" Ball. (It's noteworthy that the word "ball" may have some origins from the Latin word "Foll-is" which can be defined as "a thing blown up or inflated". It makes you think.)