Out of order! Out of order! The cries (or was
it crying ?) from the speaker’s chair and from the Choice Indoor balcony rang out as
Rupert Garrett, Minister for Lost Causes, was last man out left with the
impossible job of trying to turn our Nick Clegg of a second innings in to
a Winston Churchill. PM Clement Sprowson had already called the General Election
by opting to bowl first and for the first half of the match everything went
extremely well. Babies were kissed, speeches given, budgets were approved and hustings
were, well, whatever you do with hustings. Minister for Indie Music Simon
Williams (0-20) bowled with plenty of spin doctoring (a la Alistair Campbell)
and the fielding was keen. John "Ballot" Card was miserly as well but only 2 run outs were made (one required the boot of Tim, the Earl of Spence) as Redbourn went to the
country and ended up with a Chorley by-election of a score at 106-2 at only
just under 9 an over. In fact, the middle 6 overs went for only 40 runs which is
a good effort in anyone’s copy of Hansard. “Boz” (his mum calls him Darren)
retired with 25* as did “Chris” but “Anthony” took 18 balls over his painful 9
and it looked as though the Colts would take a second term in office and be able to put our feet up on the leather armchair in the sitting room of No.
10, whilst getting stuck in to the Duchy of Cornwall Hob Nobs in the secret biscuit barrel that nobody has known about since the crisis over that batch of broken Garibaldis.
PM Clement (14 in 10) and “Two Jags” Whiteley
(15 in 18) took the party to 37-0 by the end of the 3rd over and
Redbourn were in grave danger of losing their deposit. What could possibly go wrong ?
Even Peter Snow’s “swing-o-meter” (on loan from the BBC) was showing a healthy
majority and then it all went a bit Brighton hotel. The PM and "Two Jags" had a
major policy u-turn in mid-pitch leaving the PM out on a limb, caught short
and facing a bail deficit to the tune of two at the non-stricker's end. In the
space of the next 15 balls we got David Dimblebyed to the tune of Earl Spencer
(run out), the Minister for Indie Music (slapped one back to the 'keeper off the
wall), "Two Jags" (leading question and leading edge) and Minister for Churches
JC3 (steered a short wide one to the foreign office and was posted overseas). All of a sudden we were 55-5 and done
for. The Minister for Lost Causes (Rupes - 13 in 31) took some unhelpful stick
from the back benches as he bravely tried to prevent a landslide. Redbourn even
helpfully threw in nearly an entire over of John Prescotts (very wides) from their
very occasional off-spinner Nigel but it didn't matter.
85 all out and a loss by 21 runs was probably
the poorest performance from Dem Colts for years and the feeling in the bar said
every bit as much. It was enough for the PM to start drafting his Geoffrey Howe
"broken bats" speech or at least offering to spend more time with this family.
It's time to prepare (again) for government.
MoM : Awkward. A shared half on a grisly night.
Simon Williams for the best cricket of the evening with the ball and Rupes for sheer strength of character in not wrapping the bat around the head of everyone who had already got
themselves out but then shouted themselves hoarse with well intentioned bits of
so-called advice from the Upper Gallery.
Improvements needed. Green shoots of recovery
and all that. All suggestions to Rt. Hon. PM Clement Major-Blair as he re-shuffles
his drinks cabinet.
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