The Final match report

It was Cup Final day (or rather evening) and "Abide With Me" played over the Choice Cricket Stadium PA system as Eddie Waring and Stuart Hall warmed up the crowd with a few cheeky gags and a round of "jeux sans frontieres". Most of the Colts team who had arrived early were entertained by a cheeky girls' match between Potters Bar CC and Radlett CC that was a leg-warmer for the main event. Graeme "Stumpy" Sprowson was a little put out at his supposed team-mates amusement at some of the epithets being attached to the Radlett 'keeper but the bowling was tidy, there was a reliable leg-spinner on view and some of the batting was feisty and not
unattractive. The main recommendation might be a little less sugar intake for the Radlett fielders next time as the ground fielding was at best excitable and at worst like white mice who had been fed a diet of washing powder and strychnine as part of an experiment. Still, like all good chick flicks there were screams and plenty of tears at the end as Potters Bar ran out deserved winners

Back to the Cup Final theme such as it is. Billy the white horse cleared the arena as the hordes swept up Wembley Way to the Hertingfordbury Estate. A long team warm-up was followed by Simon "Bobby Moore" Williams introducing his team to the Duke of Kent and the late Princess Diana who had popped along for the evening. In sepia print photographs in the future schoolboys in short trousers with rattles and long Gryffindor scarves will wonder at the nobility of jaw, athleticism of leg and fullness of belly that were on display as "God Save the Queen" was played followed by the Colts' adopted anthem - Bachman Turner Overdrive's "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet". Let's rock !

Redbourn were enthusiastic at the coin toss as the umpire for the evening produced a velvet bag from his coat pocket which contained a rare £ 2 pound coin with Her Majesty depicted wearing a pearl necklace given to her by Prince Phillip on their honeymoon. The crowd was hushed (mainly because there were only 4 of them) as Redbourn's affectionately nicknamed "Scrote" called correctly and charged the Colts with batting first. "Bobby Moore" chose to attack the Kop End and we were away with "Stumpy" and David "Cow's Arse with a Banjo" Whiteley opening the innings.

"Wiley" took the first over and true to his reputation as a ball winning midfielder he was tight like a pair of one size fits all stockings (so I'm told). As a side-bar at this point, when talking about nicknames, surely the footballer "Fitz Hall" was given the best one ever being "One Size" ? Hall is followed closely only by South African bowler Monde "All Hands" Zondecki and Gloucestershire former batsman Paul "Human" Romaines. "Wiley" went for only 7 off his first over but then the Colts eased in to cruise control. "Nigel" was perhaps a strange choice to bowl the next over as his gentle offers went for 16 and the following overs added 14 and 15 whereas the 5th over went for anywhere between 20, 22 or 27 depending upon whose writing you try to read on the score-sheet. It's a sad state of affairs when a Hedge Fund Manager, an insurance Claims Adjuster and a Lloyd's Underwriter can't jot down six numbers in a square box to record a score in a game that they've all played for a combined total of probably over 60 years.

"Stumpy" by this time had retired and "Banjo" followed shortly afterwards with a first wicket partnership worth 70-odd and as the pitch continued to play straight and true and with the crease markings made clear by a new application of silver gaffer tape the Colts were looking good. "Moore" and Mike "Doogie" Howard took the score on before "Doogie" got the best ball of the innings to be bowled through the garden gate. The skipper then Alan Devonshire clotted creamed his way to 25 from only 15 balls to leave us on 119 with 3 overs to go. Steve "Wrecking" Ball and Andrew "Leylandii" Hedges were left with a difficult period with few balls to spare and plenty of back wall to go for but both were well caught and bowled by "Anthony" as they attempted to smash through balls to beat the off-side trap.

"Stumpy" was back in by now and narrowly avoided taking out the Redbourn 'keeper with a two-footed, studs showing challenge in the goal area but "Banjo" was run out for 34 in 16 balls as then was "Moore" with 28 off 15. "Stumpy" took the final over as last man standing and chipped his way to 51 with 19 coming off a strangely tense "Wiley" albeit that he then ran himself out right at the end. As the marching band of the Grenadier guards walked on to play excerpts from show tunes and the crowd tucked in to a Pukka Pie and a cup of hot Bovril, the Colts knew that they had a good total of 161 as they marched to the dressing room. "Bobby Moore" showed true leadership here by having warned "Bonus" Ball after his dismissal "If you don't buck your ideas up I'll pull you off at half time". Without missing a beat Bally replied "Thanks Simon but at the Outlaws all we got was a cup of tea and an orange".

Now it got interesting. "Doogie" took the new jaffa and looked the part in his duck egg blue, Boy George style, Aladdin pantaloon trackie bottoms. In matches past Mike has been known to slip the odd delivery down the leg-side but this evening he was inspired. Quick, on a good length, often swinging away and climbing as they passed the bat, these were deliveries from the James Anderson school of opening the bowling. "Doogie's" analysis came in at 3-0-19-0 which is good darts in anyone's book. He ended with no wickets largely because nobody could lay a bat on him. Redbourn got to 40 without losing a wicket but eventually a delivery from "Banjo" clipped the top of off stump and the Colts were on the board. However Redbourn then put on 31 for the next wicket due to some cunning shots in to space and the inability of Whiteley to be able to pick the ball up and throw it anywhere near the stumps. From a variety of opportunities "Banjo" under-armed, over-armed and generally wombled free but was unable to send the ball in to the same post-code as the stumps. Eventually a "Privet" Hedge direct hit took the next wicket and Redbourn must have felt that the game was nearly up as 73-2 quickly became 94-4. By this stage "Wrecking" Ball was in the game and his delight was obvious as he castled "Wiley" with a quicker one that did the batter all ends up. It's not often you see a wicket celebration that includes wind-milling Mick Channon arms, a double pump fist clench and then an Alan Shearer arm wave as if you've just banged one in to the top corner but Ball knew he'd delivered a killer blow and from then on it was really just a matter of time. By the end of the innings not one Redbourn batter had been able to get to 25 and retire.

"Stumpy" climbed all over a stumping chance off the pacey "Privet" to remove a bespectacled and somewhat bemused "Thompson" who was unaware that he'd been dismissed despite the evidence of bails lying all over the place whilst his feet may as well have been stuck in a bucket of mud for all the attempt that he made to get back in his crease. A somewhat gentle run out finished things off as Redbourn subsided to a Nelsonian 111 all out. The Colts thus became worthy "Double" winners with Redbourn vanquished but providing excellent opposition as they generously shared out the pink plink fizz in the bar afterwards.

Well done to everyone who tugged on a Colts jersey this year and played in position, out of position, over the weather, under the weather and in form or out of form. You know who you all are. Let's do it all again soon.

Final MoM : Despite accusations of a conflict of interest; "Stumpy McGrumpy" for 51 and a decent stumping despite then leaving the cup itself behind and his winner's medal in Hedge's car. You plonker Rodney.