COLTS V. FINAL CC : 28 SEPT. 2010

And thus it came to pass that a man walked among us having been born under a wandering star, wrapped in swaddling clothes and then they laid him in a manger. “I am the Resurrection” said John “JC” Callendar as he arrived for the Colts’ first league game against Final CC. Most of us had just shaken hands and asked how we all were. Hedge had his old bat but a new pair of trainers, Bally had a twinkle in his eye and Captain “Pontius Pilate” Prefab had the skipper’s arm-band. “JC” brought his aura. A 7pm start left little time for much communion between the players as the new skipper lost the “half-a-denari-for-me-life-story” coin toss and the Colts were in the Garden of Gethsemane, fielding under the shadow of a huge wooden cross that JC had brought with him (instead of a bat).

It was a subdued start to play as both sides appeared as rusty as a tin bath which had been left out in the rain on the deck of a Victorian iron sailing ship. The creaking of limbs was audible as arms, legs, knees, backs and shoulders sounded like creaky hinges in a haunted house. Even a pre-match blessing from our Lord didn’t seem to have helped much. Captain Pontius was being advised from behind the stumps by St. Stephen of Ball who had also turned up with a copper bracelet inscribed with the initials “WWJCD” (“What Would John Callendar Do”). In fact “Hedge The Baptist” bowled pretty well in the beginning (was the word) and the fielding was as sharp as a line from St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (and they did love a letter). What was peculiar was Final’s decision not to send their best bat in straight away. This was somewhat like Noah deciding not to bother with an ark. The Baptist (0-12) was miserly but the rest of the bowling was mixed with a good over here followed by a not so good over there. St. Stephen (later to be stoned to death and thus martyred) took a wicket with a fine off-spinner and nabbed another from a stumping. Final struggled to post a total as star player Tariq came in too late and then could not get back on to court after retiring. The Colts were satisfied to take loaves and fishes at the interval facing a target score of 108-4.

Pontius gave a brief sermon on the mount (including 10 commandments – 1. We shalt win, 2. Thou shalt not run me out etc.) before opening the batting with Mike “The Kirk” Howard and there followed a small glimpse of the form The Colts had shown in winning “The Double” last season. The Kirk retired in the 3rd over (strangely on 24* according to the score-sheet – one for the money-lenders in the Temple to recalculate) with the score on 43-0 and from there it looked like it would be a walk in the park (or a wander in the wilderness). Pontius (25*) retired in the 5th over and washed his hands of the whole match. A glance at “JC” showed that everything would be alright although a plague of locusts outside suggested otherwise. St. Simon then entered the fray and with St. Andrew (due to be crucified upside down if memory serves) we started to creep towards the target. It would be fair to say that St. Simon (21*) needs some alone time in order to become reacquainted with his bat but St. Andrew (21) clubbed some lusty blows to the back wall and it looked as though the Lions would defeat the Christians as predicted. Tariq was wheeling away cleverly but still slipping the odd ball down the leg-side and Final could not cling on to the odd tough chance that came along the Appian Way. St. Hedge was finally clean bowled and ascended up to Heaven and that left the Holy One to walk across water and spank his first two balls in to the side wall for the winning runs. A decent win as JC acknowledged by turning water in to lager in the bar afterwards.

Here endeth the lesson.

MoM : St. Hedge for 0-12 off 3 overs and 21. The Captain stands charged with blasphemy for not selecting JC and will now face a stoning (even if he did say “Jehovah”).