THE COLTS V. BAMVILLE : LEAGUE : 6/11/12

(In best dodgy accent)

Kkhello, my name still “Prefab” Borat and this still my willage. You like ? Ulhaqistan much like it was the last time you here. Global recession. I try to set up Ulhaqistan Hit-Ball-Stick Board Of Control. Not a success. We not have two cow-pats to rub together. Can’t even get Mark Ramprakash on a Bosman.

We still strong in “Hit Ball Stick”. Good side but this year less “Hit” and more “Miss”. “Willow” very grumpy. He say mania with trying to hit willage back wall. Would like to see more “tip and run”. At least his dodgy goatee gone. What about “Hedge with ‘tache" ? Now clean chin. Less virile more shriek like lady-girl when ball tapped to him and hit thumb. Just stop ball “Hedge without ‘tache". This no game for Jessie J’s. I still twice nightly with “Whiteley”. Very nice, yes.

Team made up by “Mike” from North of Border up the Khyber Pass. Also “Bally”. He has touch of the Delhi Belly. These days we are all a bit more Belly and a bit less Delhi.

We play the “Bamga Dins”. We should win. Last year we gave them pummelling like camel mounting kitten. If we win again there is every prospect that we dance “Gangnam Style”. We are dung-hot on the night. “Willow” (26* in 19) and “Mike” (44* in 14) take “Ani” to f@cking cleaners and we soon 79-1 off 6. “Whiteley” (12 in 8) fall trying to cut one off his fringe. “Whiteley” scream in private moment “Wun oop thar, wun doon thar, nae ball, not nae ball – what’s goin’ on oot thar ?”. We send for wise woman to translate for heem.

Borat (25* in 12) not bad and “Mike” take “Jeremy” to the bridge with an 8. “Hedge” (no ‘tache and before lady-girl shriek – 20* in 11) also notching. 190-2 in 12. Sorted. We back on song. Willage come down to watch. Also filming. We may be on “Hit Ball Stick AM” with Sarah Jane Mee. Tasty. Some bloke called “Barney Francis” kybosh deal with Hit-Ball-Stick Board Of Control. Wad.

Also, point of reference. “Bamga Dins” give us 59 extras in wides and no balls. This a bit like bringing ewe’s milk and goat cheese to Ulhaq “Stag Do” and bringing the ewe and the goat as well for afters. Tidy. "Bamga Dins" Youth Project has off night.  

With ball we do fine. “Bally” (2.4-0-15-3) on song with LBW, clean bowled and a catch. Clean bowled not so fun. I get ricochet right in the scrote-pukka after ball hit stump. I am alarmed by claret. Not wish to follow “Hedge” example so man up despite huge cut require many stitch. Men die in battle less hurt. I am   inwincible !! Also get catch behind off “Willow”. We give up 30 in wides which is a pretty rotten return for a bunch of so-called experienced cricketers who ought to know which way round a batsman stands (“Right Hand !”) but no big harm done to result.     

“Ani” give it big grumble on LBW and Manish (29 in 38) get them to 81 all out.

Now for big main tent and drink and songs ! Me feel good and me feel like some man company. Where “Whiteley” and lady-girl “Hedge” (no ‘tache) ?  

MoM : Can’t give to self but deserve it for bravery. Love “Bally” but no runs. Ah “Mikey” (44* and 1-11).