THE COLTS V. TOTTERNHOE : LEAGUE : 10/11/11

It was a jam session down at the “House of Blues” Choice Cricket Centre with the good ol’ Colts All Star Blues Brothers Boys Band tuning up for an assault on the Christmas number 1 single (if the sodding X Factor version of “There’s no one quite like Grandma/My Dad/My Dog/My dead Mum who died after a serious illness” doesn’t beat us to it). It’s tough in the music biz. We were on a mission from God but we didn’t know it and James Brown hadn’t yet pointed the way towards the light.

A & R man, John Belushi look-a-like and lead singer Capt. Prefab Sprout (sort of the perfect nickname) called incorrectly as tails it was and Totternhoe elected to play first and strap on their 6-string “Gibson Stratofender” (they bought it at the “Five ‘n’ Dime” and played it 'til their fingers bled if rumours are to be believed) complete with “wah wah” peddle and sustain gizmo. The Colts house band was made up from “Andrew “Blind Lemon” Hedges (who admitted after the match that he needs glasses), Rupert “Howlin’ Wolf” Garrett, JC “Fun Boy” 3, “Seasick” Steve Ball, and Pete “Muddy Waters” Makower.

The Colts looked and sounded great in the sound check and warm-up (with the amps turned up to 11) but as soon as the match started for real it was a bit of a different story. As any Blues fan standing at a crossroads will tell you, good places for the Blues are a) a lonely highway, b) a jail, c) a “cat house” d) an empty bed/cot or d) the bottom of a whisky bottle. To this can be added the first few overs from the Colts during this match. There were leg-side wides, off-side wides, long wides and short wides such that over the course of the innings we conceded 33 extras out of a total of 83-5. Capt. Prefab had a right to bemoan his luck and reach for his rusty revolver due to the lack of love from a good woman or indeed a well pitched delivery on a good length outside of the off stump. It wasn’t that we was bad, we were jus’ no good and sure enough yo pappy was goin’ to reach for the switch and tan our dang hides.

“Howlin’ Wolf” (3-0-21-2) put down his harmonica, tucked his mojo down the front of his pants and got us back on track as he bargained part of his soul with the devil and “Seasick” Steve (2-0-20-2) nabbed a couple including an LBW shout after a cunning signal from behind the stumps. There was also a snaffled run out from “Fun Boy” who was quick to pick up the ball one-handed like he’d found the butt of a king size Camel filter-tipped on the floor and with a sharp release he hit the two stumps that he had to aim at for a brilliant direct hit. Totternhoe were forced to confront the fact that it’s hard to gamble when you lose every bet and even harder to save money when your several wickets in debt. Their only recourse was to the bottle and a bunk in the rundown shack of Mean Momma Dumpling.

The Blues is not about choice. If yo stuck in a ditch then yo stuck in a ditch and there ain’t no use yo cryin’ ‘bout it. Ask Michael Jackson’s physician.

Anyway, Capt. Prefab (27* in 9) was on form with the bat as he made it sing like an angel’s harp with a number of ruthless punches through mid on. “Blind Lemon” (21 in 13) was more wary of a ball that was only partly in focus to him but at 38-0 off 3 overs we were flying. “Howlin’ Wolf” (27* in 15) re-adjusted his mojo which was now dressing to the left and took us closer to the promised land and “Fun Boy” (12* in 3) came in and slapped it like a mean ol’ sheriff from the wrong part of town.

The Colts closed at 88-1 in the 7th over and repaired to the bar to drink gasoline with a bourbon chaser for those who were not drivin’. Others had black coffee or a slug of cheap red wine from a bottle that the barkeep had “out back”.

MoM : If white men can’t jump and only black cats can sing the Blues then the award goes to “Howlin’ Mad Wolf” Garrett for 2-21 and another cheeky red-inker 27*.