THE COLTS V. VOCALINK : LEAGUE : 22/11/11

(In best dodgy accent)

Khello, my name Prefab Borat and this is my willage. You like ? I am pleased to speak up with you and for you to visit me in Ulhaqistan. Please not mispronounce Turkish Kurds wrong way as offends my mother - you right ?

We have new game, "Hit Ball Stick". Very popular. We use cow bits as ball and cow leg-bone as bat. You use willow tree, yes ? Very strange to us. What is Willow ? Is he man with dodgy goaty beard and appear to be some throw-back from a decadent age of "jazz hat" cricket where men wore frilly shirts with cuff-links made from Grandad's gold teeth whilst quaffing a quart of gin at the wicket ? We don't know this custom but we like this Willow. I may sleep with heem.

We have game now. Come see. With me is team. They are very nice. See this man ? He is Hedge. This is because he live in hedge outside willage. He have big strong 'tache but no hair. We say he should put yak dung on head to help hair. Hedge say "My eyes are bleeding" and "Fact" a lot and he virile with 'tache. Some say he look like gay icon from "Boogie Nights" but we not understand this cultural reference.

See him ? He is Mike. He speak in unintelligible manner and say "Aye" and "Wee" a lot. This can be funny. He bowl like wind and often in night he sound like wind. He think that "Darren Fletcher" is good soccer player. This can be funny. "Darren Fletcher" has first touch like pig I keep for pleasure in my front yard tied to stick. "Darren Fletcher" about as mobile too.

See him ? He known as "Twice Nightly Whiteley". He is small and blond for an Ulhaqistanian. He very popular with all men in willage. Nights are long in my country.

This "JC3". He new to us this year and we find out about him. He settle in well. He number three JC. We keep him as spare in case one and two break down like tractor.

Game start. We clear chicks and ducks and geese better scurry. Cow pat on good length. No touch. stinky. Where Willow ? He late. Facking "First Capital Connect" we hear. Trouble. They are cow-fart-horse-ass-flies-round-outdoor-toilet-hole-neighbour-wife-armpits-son-of-hairy-wrong-end-of skunk. Nearly three grand for a season ticket, muddy-funsters.

In lime green mankini I look good no ? See crease from behind ? Nice. Borat (34 in 17) knock it around and Whiteley (46 in 16) strong through off side. Big Mike (0 in 1) smack one back to Srini who dance to hold on to smoking ball. Big Mike sent to cage. No good. Bad Mike. Ulhaqistan kids throw rocks at heem later. Hedge (26* in 14) decide throw off shackles and go for it. No more "Barry Block" for heem. Mash it everywhere. Watch out back wall ! Hedge strong. Men like. With JC3 (16 in 12) we make 151-5 notches on big stick. I am interview by Ulhaqistan TV after innings. I have train for this. I say "To be honest, credit to the lads and we had to respect Vocalink and take each game as it comes after the disappointment of the cup loss to Final CC. If you'd have offered me this before the game, Charles Colville-basha, I'd have taken it".

Second dig. We like to dig in my willage. We dig a lot. Not much else to do in evenings otherwise if Whiteley and Hedge not available. Vocalink struggle. JC3 (3-0-10-1) start well and wickets fall like acorns from big oak. I catch a good one and fumble some not so good. JC3 catch and Hedge catch too. Good catch Hedge ! Big Mike (0.5-0-1-2) out of cage. Kids, leave Big Mike. No rocks. Ah, Big Mike, too much speed on ball and too much something called "zoomer". Harsha and Ken, they don't see it so good. Stumps over. 35 all out.

Now for big main tent and drink and songs ! Me feel good and like some man company. Where Whiteley and Hedge with 'tache ?

MoM : Blond Whiteley. He good. Stroker. 46 and 1-4.