“Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be....”. Let’s face it, after all the time spent ducking the issue, we have finally scooped to the bottom of the barrel. We will have to poke in places where we shouldn’t be poking and sniff around in places where we shouldn’t be sniffing.
With the season reaching a climax (so I’m told) the G-spot to be was the Choice Cricket Penthouse where two teams came together locked in an embrace at the top of the league table. There was barely a merkin between us. One side was cock-sure and wanted to dominate. We were hoping that Long Marston would be ready to receive. Bally, ever the playboy, even had a coloured handkerchief poking from his back pocket but we weren’t entirely sure what that was all about. With both sides having perfect records something had to give and the Colts were determined that it wouldn’t be us ending up in the gimp mask.
For the record, Capt. “Plonker” Prefab had a posse of stiff members lining up alongside him including Andrew “The Length” Hedges, David “Dick” Whiteley, Steve “Spurt” Ball, Mike “Dobber” Howard and Simon “Wee Willy” Williams. There was testosterone everywhere at the toss and after a quick clean up with a Kleenex it was the Colts who were to show off their posing pouch first by taking to the carpet with bat shafts in hand. History will record that this wasn’t the finest of Colts’ innings as in many ways we weren’t that well hung at 127 all out in just about the full 12 overs. It was nip and tuck as both sides knew what was at stake and we struggled, almost too much, to ensure a decent total on the board.
Capt. “Plonker” (26 in 21) took an absolute age before he retired in the 11th over (and how he wasn’t run out before retiring is the subject of a Ben Dover investigation) but there was some value to his knock as it was a night where runs had to be earned. “Dick” (10 in 11) and “Dobber” (21 in 9) were both out to extraordinary catches. “Dick’s” was a one-handed snatch by the bowler whilst “Dobber” smashed it (did you smash it ? I bet he smashed it) to midwicket where the fielder held on using his arms, hands, legs and gentleman’s area before throwing the ball up. “Wee Willy” (28 in 21) put his years of indoor experience to great use as the score kept climbing at 10 an over. At halfway we were 62-2 and Long Marston will reflect, with a post coital cigarette before they roll over and go to sleep, that by the end of their bowling stint they had given us 38 extras of which 32 were wides. In an x-rated final over from the slippery Rashid we managed to lose 4 wickets (that’s right, 4) without adding to the total. Not even a short stroke or one off the wrist for a single. Uncanny. From 127-2 we gave up a series of run outs from the sort of understandable to the downright brainless to close on 127 all out with a ball left to spare. Not great but they were runs on the board.
With his best “actress to the bishop” voice Capt. “Plonker” was heard to say “I’d have taken that if only you’d offered it to me before”.
As Claire Swire (remember her ?) would have said, our bowling attack is tasty. It’s known for being balls out, direct, dirty and even downright nasty, a bit like The Hedge when he’s been on the Tennent’s Super. “Dobber” (3-0-25-2) and “Length” (3-0-18-0) opened with some vajazzling deliveries but the Marston openers looked solid and after 3 overs they were 34-0. Time to slip them something. An easy run out brought in Rashid (25 in 14) and it was quickly apparent that he wasn’t going to die wondering. “Spurt” (3-0-24-0) and “Wee Willy” (3-0-12-0) then made like Michael Hutchence and choked the innings off with a spell of 6 overs for 45 runs that pegged Marston back to 84-4 off 10. Also in that period of play was a run out of such elegance from “Dobber” that it deserved a nice dress, a decent meal and a hotel room before the appearance of the beast with two backs. A drop and run to the off was anticipated by “Dobber” who didn’t try to pick the ball up but instead hockey-flicked the ball from the floor in to the leather and suede ‘keeping gloves (and iron fists inside on the evidence of this performance) of Capt. “Plonker”. “Dobber” finished up clean bowling the last pair with an unlikely 32 still needed to win at the start of the final over. Astonishingly, the analysis for the combined last overs of both sides was 2-1-1-6.
MoM : So who was the Casanova of the carpet ? Who was our top swordsman ? Who took one for the team without blubbing ? “Dobber” was close for sure but for an invaluable knock of 28 and a superb spell of leg-spin conceding only 4 an over for his spell it’s .....Simon “He’s a lover not a fighter” Williams.
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