Diddy Dave’s desperate Doncaster dash doesn’t disappoint

I apologise in advance to those of you too young to remember the rest of this surrealist 70’s nonsense inspired by the long lost cousin of the Diddymen from across the pennines.

We needed just two points from our final game of the season to become clear
winners of the league title. So when Spence pulled out claiming a near-death experience from man-flu and Graeme left a message saying Diddy Dave had deserted us in Doncaster (having missed his train and got the start time wrong), we were potentially 6 points down and needing a clear win to secure the title. So the Diddymen had to be reconstituted from Nottingham (rather than Knottyash) at 1615 from where Ken Dodd had to use his best tickling stick to round up replacements. Fortunately a former close proximity inhabitant of Knottyash (to be referred to every more as Dickie “Murphy” Mint) was available as was the leader of the Diddymen himself, Ken.

So the owner of the Treacle and Jam butty mines, Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece (Neil), kindly gave the evening off to his workers and joined the team: also made up of Sid Short (Andy), Mick The Marmalizer (Graeme), Dickie Murphy Mint (Tim), Wee Hamish McDiddy (Mike Howard) and Ken himself. Ken was not feeling tickled when he proceeded to lose the toss and was asked to bat.

Ken was even less tickled, when Sid fell well Short, misjudging a single, during only the 2nd over and was run out by a mile. When Mick then Marmalized himself, failing for possibly the first time in two seasons, missing a perfectly straight delivery, we were 10 for 2. Ken was relaxed though as we only really needed 70 runs to reach equal points with Redbourn and win the league by a technicality (but we didn’t want to do that)! When Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece was then out too, we were left at 23 for 3 and the title was slipping from our grasp. However the man from north of the border, Wee Hamish McDiddy, stood firm with Ken and put on a stand of over 50, with Wee Hamish retiring for the first time (on 27). Ken soon retired too, to allow Wee Hamish to build a stand with Dickie Murphy Mint. Dickie for once didn’t quite come off missing a turning delivery on 12, letting Ken return with the score on 90 odd for 4. Sadly Ken flailed his tickling stick once to often and was caught off the side wall, leaving Wee Hamish to face the last two overs. But what a couple overs they were to be, adding over 40, hitting the penultimate ball with such ferocity in nearly broke the back netting. Unfortunately, having been warned by Ken that only two runs were required from the last ball to secure our second batting point and become clear winners of the title, Wee Hamish had another pop at their spinner and was caught off the room netting for the 4th time this season, leaving us on 138 all out, not a bad recovery from 23 for 3. Wee Hamish nearly beat our team record with a fine total of 75 not out (I think Spence and Neil have had around or over 75 in the past).

Wee Hamish’s evening was not finished yet, as he opened the bowling and completed a fine first over going for just 3 runs. Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece twirled away and Mick almost Marmalized himself again when he dropped a legside catch and missed a legside stumping(;-). The Bamville openers were feeling the pressure though, as finally they had a mix up and Wee Hamish completed an easy run out at the bowlers end. Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece then took a fine caught and bowled. During this time, their left handed opener still presented a considerable threat, (he is possibly the best batsman we have faced) fortunately he retired on 25 and from that point on Bamville fell further behind the required rate. Following another run out, Mick produced a Marmalizing stumping off Dickie Murphy Mint to remove their next batsman, allowing their danger man to return. However it was all a bit too late and Ken kept the danger man off strike with some useful leg breaks. Wee Hamish then returned for the penultimate over and their left hander really had to cut loose to recover the situation, but Hamish removed his leg bail with a fine delivery. A couple of balls later it was all over, when their final batsman was run out. Bamville were all out 93, leaving the Diddymen victorious, regaining the league title for the 5th time in 7 years. Ken was heard to say "How tickled I am!" and when leaving the stadium could be heard humming a tune:

There was no doubt about last night’s man of the match, it goes to Wee Hamish McDiddy for a fine 75, a run out some fine bowling.