Tottenhoe 131-2 Colts 132-3

It was a somewhat depleted Colts VI that warmed up (well stood around) before the league match against Tottenhoe. No "Frank" Spencer, no "Frankie" Howard, no "Richard" Whiteley and no "Charlie" Williams. It was like a night at the Comedy Club but without the comedians. Anarchy was also in the air (there was a suspicion that Tim Murphy had eaten a curry) as different plans were hatched at bewildering speed: bat first, bowl first, Graeme to keep wicket, Andy to keep wicket. The list went on and on like an American election. Dance Captain Graeme called correctly and decided to bowl and the Colts took to the carpet with Andy in the gloves and Johnca & Johnco waiting to perform the foxtrot as the first couple on to the floor. Johnca was in a stunning red, satin off-the-shoulder dress and Johnco was looking forward to getting his newly acquired leg extension in to his delivery stride. Graeme stood at the back net like a kindly, benevolent but less agile Bruce Forsyth. In a certain light (i.e. pitch dark) Tim Murphy looked a bit like Tess Daly.

The Totts started slowly and in truth the first few overs lacked action and a bit of snap in their routines. Johnca was mixing good balls with a few odd wides chucked in here and there like a Rumba but without the rum. Johnco was rusty like an old accordion at the back of the garage but there's many a fine tune played on an old instrument (so they tell me) and the run rate was well below the desired 10 an over. The openers were making a heavy Craig Revel Horwood of it as Johnco finally trapped one dead in front for a plumb lbw and celebrated by chucking the next 4 balls down the American Smooth-side for plenty of wides. The introduction of Murphy and Ball changed the tempo of the innings. Murph is now thought more desirable by his superiors when he is away from his money markets computer console rather than when he is sitting at it clenching a stress ball between his teeth and unlike the markets recently he began straight and true. Bally was as reliable as ever until a sharp direct hit run out brought the genial "Woody" to the crease. "Woody" holds his bat like a frustrated frontier woodsman who hasn't seen a tree for a week and he had decided that Bally was the man to take on. A 6 and an 8 followed before Bally adjusted his range-finder and pinned "Woody" back for the rest of the over. The score was mounting and no more wickets fell as the Totts closed on 131-2 with the Colts leaving a few bonus points to go begging. Bruno Tonioli in the upper gallery thought the target was gettable if the run chase started well.

Graeme & Andy (who had already kept wicket very well) started as if they had been born to tango together since those early days at the Italia Conti Drama College. Runs came easily despite a fair Tottenhoe bowling attack and Andy got us well ahead of the run rate with a brace of 6's. At this point, the Len Goodman fell off. The calling had been good up until now but a mis-judgement left Andy doing a quick-step in mid-pitch whilst Graeme was break-dancing after tripping himself up. A shimmy followed a shake and either batsman could have been dismissed but in a fitting tribute to Armistice Day, Andy (who was on 19) sacrificed himself for the team and allowed Graeme to receive tug assistance and a crane barge in order to get to safety at the striker's end. Bally then came in and whacked it to all parts ending up retired with 28* but Johnca was run out without even getting to sniff the air at the striker's end. He had called for a suicidal quick one that most people thought wasn't even a dot let alone a single and he rather gave the game away that he was struggling when he yelped "Oh no !" as he was barely in to the first 4 bars of the overture let alone the final chorus. Johnca reported that his moment of madness was due to a dislike for being "in the cage" - an argument also trotted out over the years by discontented lions at London Zoo. Johnco was then bowled by a delivery that he reported swung both ways, pitched, yorked and left him all at the same time and it was left for Murph with 10* and Graeme with a cheeky 40* to waltz the Colts in to next week's cha-cha-cha with plenty of time to spare.

Thanks to Graeme for the write up.